mirage12 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Is it possible to ever be "friends" with an ex? I dated a girl through the end of college for the past 8 months, and it was amazing. Things worked out well after college to where we would both be ending up at different grad schools in different cities, so we decided to transition to a new city. She went down there earlier and we did long distance for a little more than a month. After that, things started going downhill. I moved down to the new city, but we ended up fighting all the time and eventually we split. At first it was absolutely horrible, I was all alone in a new city, knew almost no one and it was the worst transition I'd ever made. Things have gotten a little better, but throughout all that, she constantly would keep in touch, saying how she wanted to be friends, how we didn't end on a bad note, etc. I deleted her number so many times, but every time she texts I add it back in...I think about her all the time still and I know how bad it is to be talking to her, but in the back of my mind maybe I'm holding on to some part of her...or maybe its that she's been such a huge part of my life that I don't know how to let her go fully. What do I do?? She still brings up so much emotion in me, but at the same time I can't imagine completely removing her from my life, and it's driving me crazy..
EthanH Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 quick question: if you argued all the time... why do you want to be with her? I mean, were you happy?
boosh Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Is it possible to ever be "friends" with an ex? I dated a girl through the end of college for the past 8 months, and it was amazing. Things worked out well after college to where we would both be ending up at different grad schools in different cities, so we decided to transition to a new city. She went down there earlier and we did long distance for a little more than a month. After that, things started going downhill. I moved down to the new city, but we ended up fighting all the time and eventually we split. At first it was absolutely horrible, I was all alone in a new city, knew almost no one and it was the worst transition I'd ever made. Things have gotten a little better, but throughout all that, she constantly would keep in touch, saying how she wanted to be friends, how we didn't end on a bad note, etc. I deleted her number so many times, but every time she texts I add it back in...I think about her all the time still and I know how bad it is to be talking to her, but in the back of my mind maybe I'm holding on to some part of her...or maybe its that she's been such a huge part of my life that I don't know how to let her go fully. What do I do?? She still brings up so much emotion in me, but at the same time I can't imagine completely removing her from my life, and it's driving me crazy.. BINGO. What I bolded is exactly what you're doing. I'm guilty of doing the exact same thing currently. Granted I'm not in your specific situation. It's tough. It took me almost 2 years to be friends with my ex that I dated for a bit over 3 years. We're friends now, but not to the extent of we hang out all the time, etc. Things aren't weird if we see each other somewhere, but I wouldn't call her specifically to hang out, nor would she do the same. She came on a trip this past weekend with myself and my friends, because she became friends with them too, and honestly I didn't mind it one bit. My current ex is a completely different story. I want to be friends with her. I want to get back together with her as well, but I also know that any potential of that process occurring needs to start with proving to her through friendship who I am again. It also needs to not get stuck in the dreaded "friend zone" as well. We're nowhere near the beginning of that process yet though, as the wounds are still fresh. I gave myself a timeframe of the middle of October at the earliest to begin to initiate that process. Honestly, you need to cut her out of your life COMPLETELY for a bit. Going NC (no contact) was the best decision I ever made with my current ex after the break up, even though I want her back in my life eventually. It's tough as hell, but it's allowed me to at least have a new view on everything, and begin to move on with my life and heal up. Trust me when I say this, you will get NOWHERE, both physically, but more importantly emotionally, if you keep talking to her, as much as you want to right now.
skydiveaddict Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I agree with boosh. dont contact her. delete her from fb, block her phone#, delete her email. Quit torturing yourself. She wants to be friends? Why would you ever settle for second best. Go find a new girl, have a good time and leave the old garbage at the curb where it belongs
EthanH Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 boosh... sorry i know this is about mirage12's situation... but how did you 'move on' with your life if you still wanted to be with her? I am in the same situation, i progressed in every part of my life, didn't sit around feeling sorry for myself... uni/term time jobs/friendships/future career/vacations/family... i was proactive in all of it... but... she is still on my mind, and while i can see other girls as hot, i don't want them at all...
Author mirage12 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 ethanh, yeah you're right we did fight towards the end and she also treated me kinda bad at that time too...a lot of it was her fault, but still i have feelings for her that I can't get rid of...when I go out to bars, I don't even feel like talking to new girls..(i even tried an online dating thing for the first time, went to coffee with a girl that looked cute and turned out to be not so much, now she texts me all the time and its just blah all around)...and ethan, i agree with your last post, how do you move on when you still want to be with her? in spite of everything, i still think about her a lot, look at her fb and maybe i talk to her because i have some shred of hope that things might go back to the way they were..
EthanH Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 v difficult situation... 1) you need to remember that for as long as you are always there on fb or on the phone... she won't miss you. If you are always contacting her, she won't even notice you are gone. She will have you chasing after her and it will feel normal, and that's not something you should allow. I know it is massively difficult, and i didn't work this out, couldn't get the balance between respecting myself and still staying close enough to her that it wasn't over for good. 2) totally know what you mean about girls after a break-up. I never had the problem until now. Last weekend I slept with a girl, and then flipped half way through and said i had to leave, for no reason apart from the fact that i don't want to be with anyone apart from my ex... :s
boosh Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 boosh... sorry i know this is about mirage12's situation... but how did you 'move on' with your life if you still wanted to be with her? I am in the same situation, i progressed in every part of my life, didn't sit around feeling sorry for myself... uni/term time jobs/friendships/future career/vacations/family... i was proactive in all of it... but... she is still on my mind, and while i can see other girls as hot, i don't want them at all... I usually try not to hijack threads, but since this response is also helpful to the OP I'll respond to it. Honestly, I dealt with it because I didn't have a choice. It was either move on with the things I needed, and wanted to change about myself personally, or sit and wallow in my sadness for a year, and then have the same thing happen with a new girl. I've ruined 2 relationships because I have an extreme temper and I'm extremely stubborn. That's not to say that both ex's didn't play a role in that, but when the same issues crop up with two separate relationships, I consider that a failure on my part, and it was. After my most recent relationship ended, I had my epiphany that I should've had 2 years ago. I realized what I needed to do to make myself a better person FOR MYSELF. Others would see and feel the benefits of that, but I put myself first. The worst possible thing one can do change yourself to fit someone else's needs. I forced myself to pick my broken psyche off the mat and begin to move on, even though the ex still is always on my mind (read my post history, you'll get the idea). It's not easy, but for me it was basically forcing yourself to go into NC mode and stay there, no matter how much it hurts, and no matter how much you want to talk to your ex, even if it's not about you two specifically. Ethan like you said above, and Mirage, please listen to the next bit "you need to remember that for as long as you are always there on fb or on the phone... she won't miss you. If you are always contacting her, she won't even notice you are gone. She will have you chasing after her and it will feel normal, and that's not something you should allow. I know it is massively difficult, and i didn't work this out, couldn't get the balance between respecting myself and still staying close enough to her that it wasn't over for good." This is the best advice. You CANNOT allow yourself to fall into that trap. Nothing will change if you do that. She won't miss you at all. She won't miss talking to you, she won't miss seeing you, etc., because YOU AREN'T ALLOWING HER TO MISS YOU! I can't state and stress that enough. I've been guilty of that many times, but trust me when I say, you need to allow yourself to stop talking to her. By going NC, you allow yourself to make her miss you, but more importantly it allows you to figure out what you really want. By going NC, you're moving on from your current situation which clearly isn't working, and if you adhere to it, you'll move on to another, BETTER, situation. Whether or not it's with the current ex, is up to both of you. For me, I'm moving on from my current ex, even though I want her to be in my life again eventually, because I cannot allow myself to fall into a depression, and exile myself into a virtual world, and away from my family and friends again like I did in the past. As much as it sucks, and believe me it does, forcing yourself mentally to do this, is the best thing you can do. TL;DR version: Go NC. Force yourself to adhere to it, and you'll realize that it's something that needs to be done, even though it's extremely hard, if you ever want to move forward emotionally.
EthanH Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I agree with everything you have said. BUT I have tried everything with her, and it was NC which really ended things for us. Don't get me wrong, I believe it is the most, if not only way for someone who has been dumped to move on and get over their ex, but with me, it was the ultimatum i basically gave in an email before 2 months of NC that basically changed the whole dynamic of her thoughts, she went from thinking that it was her choice to break up with me, and having the massive pressure of knowing that it was up to her if she got back with me, to thinking it was now a mutual decision, and the stress she had from before was lifted, and there is no way she wants to go back to that. So yeah, NC is great...but it's not meant to be to get the person back, if you read some of the big proponents of NC on here, they will say that it isn't a method to get someone back, it's about putting yourself first and healing, to the extent where you don't even want your ex back.
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