Would you be insecure if your significant other was friends with their ex?

[SteveC80]

Yes,a guy should be more worried about that then some random handsome stranger wit ha 6 pack approaching your wife/girlfriend

 

Women cant control their emtions at times and can all of a sudden fall right back in lvoe with an ex ive seen it happen many times

[meerkat stew]

I am friends with my ex husband...we are not bosom buddies but we are cordial and civil. I guess the "friendship" has to be defined. I am friends with the first and only guy who has ever dumped me !

 

Look, we've had this discussion, when you go and write a giant "FU" in a man's lawn with herbicide, you get dumped, simple as that! You put sugar in my gas tank, shaved my dog's hair into a mohawk, called and had my power and gas turned off, what's a guy to do?

 

And all because of that "penile implant" incident that was your fault, I TOLD you not to ever get in the shower with me when I have my implant on and it is going through its warning beep sequence. That says, "danger of severe shock," the protective shield in the tub is only big enough for one person, we've been through this. I know it's hard to resist the 30,000 rpms the thing puts out and you want it all the time. That's natural, all women do. But show some restraint and you won't end up in the ER with second degree burns on those pretty lips and a tic in your left eye from sudden shock. Don't forget you are the one that destroyed my sheetrock when you got blown out of the tub and halfway through the wall. Sheetrock is expensive!

 

You know I would take you back if you promised to stop putting vicks vaporub in my boxer briefs

[Peter Pry]

Your gf should be your priority, not your ex. If your gf doesn't like your ex hanging around, your priority should be to make your gf happy, not to continue seeing your ex. What you said sounds extremely selfish - if your gf conflicts with something else in your life then you'll dump her rather than make any compromises.

 

My priority is my partner. I spend the vast majority of my free time with her; she's the person I come to with problems; she's the person I depend on the most; she's the person I will always be there for.

 

But I am there for my friends as well, otherwise friendship means nothing. Friendship to you must mean meeting someone for coffee every once in a while. I call those people "acquaintances" and don't have any because I can't stand small talk. To each his own, but you folks all seem to me like a bunch of fair-weather friends standing ready to abandon anyone at the drop of a hat. You could never be my friends.

 

Friendship to me is more than that; it's a relationship in its own right that deserves respect both from me and my partner. If she were to insist that I compromise my principles of loyalty and friendship, then that is unacceptable. That GF and I would obviously have wildly different ideas concerning these values, and we would not be compatible. I'm allowed to dump noncompatible girlfriends.

Edited September 2, 2010 by Peter Pry

[Eeyore79]

If your relationship is a serious one, no friendship should be prioritized above your relationship. Your gf has the right to request that you end a friendship which is detrimental to your relationship, and if your friendship with your ex upsets your gf, then it's detrimental.

 

If you're so keen on your ex, you should probably dump your gf and get back together with her. If you're not so keen on her, then you shouldn't need to keep her as a friend. There are millions of people in the world who you can be friends with, without resorting to choosing your ex as a friend and thereby damaging your relationship with someone else.

 

I realize that you have principles of loyalty and friendship, but you have to get your priorities straight. If a friendship is negatively affecting your relationship, and the relationship is a serious one, then the friendship needs to end.

[desertmoon]

 

You know I would take you back if you promised to stop putting vicks vaporub in my boxer briefs

 

You dumped me?????? I was not talking about you! OMG :mad:!

 

To the OP-as long as they do not have "us" times...and the relationship is OPEN...why be insecure? There is a good reason why the other person is an EX and you are the current!

[aerogurl87]

My boyfriend is actually friends with his ex. And yes it bothered me a great deal when we first started dating. That was until I got the whole story about how they dated for a week, which to me doesn't exactly count as a relationship. Anyway, they're friends and her and I are becoming friends because she's actually quite nice. So it doesn't bother me anymore, although in the beginning it did.

[Green]

 

 

Are you serious?!? Even OLD ex's from years ago?

 

Any ex needs to go. I thought you like teritorial guys. I'm fine with pictures and memories... but it doesn't need to be a facebook thing.

 

I am against picture of old boyfriends (couples pictures) still being out and about the house.

 

I'm sorry, but that is really controlling. Your partner's ex was a part of her life for a long time--- an important part. It's over now, but that doesn't mean she has to purge her memory and psyche and life of this person. So it didn't work out between them. She's allowed to keep pictures and mementos of a bygone time on her facebook.

 

Don't judge me. I'm find with pictures and memories as long as they arn't out on display. (that includes fb)

 

We broke up with some exes acrimoniously. No one probably ever wants to hear from them again. Other exes we shared a life with and it just didn't work out for one reason or another; we weren't compatible with them romantically. But if we broke up with them on good terms, with the understanding that it just wasn't right, on what basis could our partners insist that we never see them again? We have a shared life and history with them. They're part of who we are today.

 

If some girl told me this is my ex that I broke up on good terms and hes an important part of my life I would say "goodbye" and that would be my good term break up with her. But unlike her former exs I wouldn't stay in contact cause I live in the here and now not the past.

 

To insist that we give that all up and never see those people again is way off base. You're all off base and using normative rules of behavior to mask deep insecurities that will likely, eventually, tank any healthy relationship. I'd like to know exactly how you believe that remaining friends with exes is "disrespectful" to anyone. If it's "disrespectful" because it might make the partner insecure, then that's the partner's problem to appropriately deal with that insecurity. Insecurity is an internal psychological issue that must be dealt with by the individual, not by the individual attempting to control who his partner is friends with. Even if the partner does ditch the friend, or ex, or whatever, that won't address the core psychological issue and the controlling behavior will continue.

 

Interesting in how you try to shame us with your psychological controling behavior... I'm not foolish enough to believe I can control any one and thats not what I want in a relationship. I look for some one who wants to make me as happy as I want to make them.

 

What's disrespectful to a partner is to serve ultimatums. Any partner who tries to get between me and something important to me, especially a friend, whether they are exes or not, is going to find themselves kicked to the curb in very short order. Similarly with a friend who serves an ultimatum on another friend, or certainly a partner.

 

Very interesting backward logic good luck with that. Have fun with your open relationships I don't judge the way you do.

 

This is so funny because I just posted my date story and I am asking myself this same question as we speak. We went on our first date and I brought my kindle with me and I had a kindle book with 101 dating questions and I asked him that question - are you friends with any of your exes? He said "some" - I was trying to act like it didn't bother me, but it kind of did and now I'm worried it might bother me in the long run, if it works out. We had a great time though answering questions and I got to know him pretty well for a short time period.

 

So to answer your question, I'm not sure! But probably!

 

101 dating questions on a first date sound like a bad idea but maybe you had fun finding out he is still friends with his ex. Its a bad sign, but if you guys get serious and after a few dates you should ask questions and get to the bottom of it. Friends might just means he is on friendly terms.

 

Obviously if friends means they hang out all the time like an episode of seinfeld that wouldn't be cool.

 

Nonsense. I am a heterosexual guy who enjoys at least two platonic friendships with exes where I have absolutely zero interest in any further sex with them (primarily because it was the sexual aspect of the relationship that was causing all the problems leading to them becoming exes). While I'm sure it's nice to live in an oversimplified model of reality, your theory fails by counter-example.

 

Not all guys are like you.

 

You live in the oversimplified model of reality where all that matters is YOU.

 

If you do date like activity like spending ALONE time with them then you are not platonic and having an EA. Enjoy

 

You dumped me?????? I was not talking about you! OMG :mad:!

 

To the OP-as long as they do not have "us" times...and the relationship is OPEN...why be insecure? There is a good reason why the other person is an EX and you are the current!

 

Is this for real... ???? u 2 dated ? u and meerkat

 

My boyfriend is actually friends with his ex. And yes it bothered me a great deal when we first started dating. That was until I got the whole story about how they dated for a week, which to me doesn't exactly count as a relationship. Anyway, they're friends and her and I are becoming friends because she's actually quite nice. So it doesn't bother me anymore, although in the beginning it did.

 

If shes like a friend who invites him out to group events and suff thats cool. But if he has private meals with her and spends alone time and chats with her on the phone... he cheats

[Confusedalways]

anything beyond being 'civil' would probably not be good.

 

I totally get if they have many mutual friends-- but anything beyond hi, how are you, how's your family, is not needed at all. I would never want to 'demand' someone not be friends with an ex, but in my experience NOTHING good comes out of being friends with an ex.

 

Especially no ex better be texting my boyfriend, there's no reason for that what so ever.

[meerkat stew]

You dumped me?????? I was not talking about you! OMG :mad:

 

Oh, sorry, didn't look at the username carefully, thought you were tami-chan. She makes posts like that sometimes.

[Peter Pry]

Your gf has the right to request that you end a friendship...

 

No, she doesn't. Or rather, she has the right to request it, and I have the right to refuse, and to leave her if it comes to giving me an ultimatum. I'll leave anyone who gives me an ultimatum. My friends come with me as a package deal. If you don't like them, you really don't like me either.

 

I should also mention (as long as we're talking about me being all selfish because I'm coming to the defense of friendship) that my partner's two best friends are exes. I would never remotely consider asking her to end these friendships, or feel the desire for her to do so, because I know that it would hurt her, and her happiness is my priority. And because both those fellas are cool, fun, intelligent guys who are excellent supportive friends to her.

 

If you're so keen on your ex, you should probably dump your gf and get back together with her. If you're not so keen on her, then you shouldn't need to keep her as a friend. There are millions of people in the world who you can be friends with, without resorting to choosing your ex as a friend and thereby damaging your relationship with someone else.

 

I'll be friends with the people who have earned my friendship and who will have me as friends. I'll be partners with someone I love and am sexually interested in. You're discussing important people in my life as if they were interchangeable objects to be traded in for different models.

 

Nor is it damaging to anybody's relationship, since I select partners that share my values. Part of that selection process is letting go of those who don't.

 

I realize that you have principles of loyalty and friendship, but you have to get your priorities straight. If a friendship is negatively affecting your relationship, and the relationship is a serious one, then the friendship needs to end.

No it doesn't, and it won't. Not for that reason. That's not loyalty, or love. And I do have my priorities straight; you're explicitly asking me to sacrifice principles for romance. No. I'll find someone to romance who shares my principles instead. I refuse to hurt someone (or really, two people, including myself) just to gloss over someone else's insecurity complex. It's not a very caring or compassionate sort of love that demands injury and injustice towards others.

 

What would happen if this were to arise, which it wont, because I have selected carefully, is that my partner and I would work together on the insecurity issue which is the root of the problem. Otherwise, today it's friends who are exes, tomorrow it will be all female friends, the next day all friends, the day after that work colleagues, then anyone or anything out of her sight. No.

[Star Gazer]

Either way there's always one party that wants to get back.

 

100000000% DISagree with this.

[InceptorsRule]

Nonsense. I am a heterosexual guy who enjoys at least two platonic friendships with exes where I have absolutely zero interest in any further sex with them (primarily because it was the sexual aspect of the relationship that was causing all the problems leading to them becoming exes). While I'm sure it's nice to live in an oversimplified model of reality, your theory fails by counter-example.

 

Not all guys are like you.

 

 

(No personal attacks, please. "Not all guys are like you?" When did I ever state that I have any relationships with exes that are supposedly "platonic" but which I have ulterior motives about?)

 

In any event, all you're claiming here is that you don't have any overt sexual motivation in remaining friends with these exes. OK let's take that at face value. Obviously however you must be getting some kind of an emotional benefit from maintaining these friendships. Emotional entanglements with other women can be just as damaging to your current relationship as an overtly physical one. The energy you are putting into these "friendships" is energy that is not available to put into your primary relationship.

[InceptorsRule]

I am friends with my ex husband...we are not bosom buddies but we are cordial and civil. I guess the "friendship" has to be defined. I am friends with the first and only guy who has ever dumped me !

 

Cordiality and civility are something that we are each supposed to give to each other regardless of whether we are "friends" with them.

 

I'm glad you've been able to maintain a cordial, civil relationship with your ex-husband, however, I try to do the same with grocery clerks and everyone I meet and it doesn't constitute a "friendship" in my pov.

 

My understanding of "friendship" is something more than having gotten to the point where you no longer want to strangle each other.

[InceptorsRule]

My priority is my partner. I spend the vast majority of my free time with her; she's the person I come to with problems; she's the person I depend on the most; she's the person I will always be there for.

But I am there for my friends as well, otherwise friendship means nothing. Friendship to you must mean meeting someone for coffee every once in a while. I call those people "acquaintances" and don't have any because I can't stand small talk. To each his own, but you folks all seem to me like a bunch of fair-weather friends standing ready to abandon anyone at the drop of a hat. You could never be my friends.

 

Friendship to me is more than that; it's a relationship in its own right that deserves respect both from me and my partner. If she were to insist that I compromise my principles of loyalty and friendship, then that is unacceptable. That GF and I would obviously have wildly different ideas concerning these values, and we would not be compatible. I'm allowed to dump noncompatible girlfriends.

 

 

Well I guess you and I have different understandings of what "always" means. Based on what you've said in the above post, you'll never dump your current gf because you just said you will be there for her, "always."

 

That means if she should ever tell you she's getting uncomfortable with your "platonic friendships"--and I note you haven't provided us with your current gf's point of view on any of this--you're going to have to change your pov on this whole issue.

 

Because "always" doesn't mean "until I change my mind" or "until we have a disagreement on what constitutes setting of appropriate boundaries in our relationship."

[gypsy_nicky]

even though you knew it was purely platonic? Would it bother you?

 

yes. It is impossible for it to be fully platonic.

[InceptorsRule]

No, she doesn't. Or rather, she has the right to request it, and I have the right to refuse, and to leave her if it comes to giving me an ultimatum. I'll leave anyone who gives me an ultimatum. My friends come with me as a package deal. If you don't like them, you really don't like me either.

 

So this confirms that when you said, in an earlier post, that you'll be there for your current gf "always," you didn't actually mean "always."

 

Thank you for the clarification.

 

 

I should also mention (as long as we're talking about me being all selfish because I'm coming to the defense of friendship) that my partner's two best friends are exes.

 

Well naturally. Neither you nor your current partner appear really super-committed to each other. You both have at least a couple of "back up plans." At least there's a certain degree of "balance" in your current relationship.

 

 

I would never remotely consider asking her to end these friendships, or feel the desire for her to do so, because I know that it would hurt her, and her happiness is my priority. And because both those fellas are cool, fun, intelligent guys who are excellent supportive friends to her.

 

Wow now I'm not sensing "insensitive selfish guy," I'm sensing "doormat" for some reason.

 

Do you actually believe neither of your gf's exes could possibly harbor any ulterior motives simply because you claim that you don't harbor them?

 

 

 

I'll be friends with the people who have earned my friendship and who will have me as friends. I'll be partners with someone I love and am sexually interested in. You're discussing important people in my life as if they were interchangeable objects to be traded in for different models.

 

Borat, the more you describe actual details of your current relationship, the more it seems like it's really not that much of a committed, serious relationship. Neither you nor your current gf sound like you are really ready to take the "next step."

 

Again that's fine as long as there's balance and you're not fooling yourself about this stuff.

 

If I had to guess I'd guess rather than you actually being worried about your gf's imposing an ultimatum on you, you're afraid to impose one on her, so as a "substitute" for that, you're just playing the same game that she is.

 

You might want to consider actually having a discussion with her about both of you disposing of these extraneous "friendships" and spending more of your mutual energy on each other to see if you're able to take the relationship to the next level. But only if you want to--it's scary and can be risky because if you don't make it to the next level then oftentimes the relationship sputters out and ends.

 

 

Nor is it damaging to anybody's relationship, since I select partners that share my values. Part of that selection process is letting go of those who don't.

 

LOL aren't you done with the whole process of "select[ing] partners"? Aren't you going to be with your current gf "always"?

 

Please don't get upset Borat. You're the one who said "always."

 

Answer yourself the question, why did you say "always" and what exactly does "always" mean?

 

 

 

 

No it doesn't, and it won't. Not for that reason. That's not loyalty, or love. And I do have my priorities straight; you're explicitly asking me to sacrifice principles for romance. No. I'll find someone to romance who shares my principles instead. I refuse to hurt someone (or really, two people, including myself) just to gloss over someone else's insecurity complex. It's not a very caring or compassionate sort of love that demands injury and injustice towards others.

 

Wow this is all pretty abstract and pretty much irrelevant to your real life situation. The bottom line, for you, is that your gf has multiple attractive guys who she had sexual relationships with in the past, hanging around her, and you don't feel you have the right to even suggest that you want that to stop. So you tell yourself that these guys have no ulterior motives? Seriously dude? How well do you actually know your gf's exes? Have they given you some kind of blood oath that under no circumstances would they even dream of ever getting physical with your gf again, no way, no how, even if you weren't around and the opportunity were to somehow present itself?

 

It sounds like what you've actually done is construct a very abstract and counter-intuitive philosophical "construct" of human behavior and human nature in order to justify remaining in an unhealthy relationship dynamic, rather than facing objective reality. Which is that there is pretty much at least a 50-50 chance, if not a 100% chance, that one or more of your gf's exes wants to get back into your gf's pants. Whether you, or she, want to admit to that or not.

 

 

 

What would happen if this were to arise, which it wont, because I have selected carefully, is that my partner and I would work together on the insecurity issue which is the root of the problem. Otherwise, today it's friends who are exes, tomorrow it will be all female friends, the next day all friends, the day after that work colleagues, then anyone or anything out of her sight. No.

 

Fine then go ahead and marry your gf.

[Green]

I love your response to his slipery slope arguement.

 

First it will be ex gf's then the world....

[Eeyore79]

No, she doesn't. Or rather, she has the right to request it, and I have the right to refuse, and to leave her if it comes to giving me an ultimatum. I'll leave anyone who gives me an ultimatum. My friends come with me as a package deal. If you don't like them, you really don't like me either.

Therefore you prioritize your friendships ahead of your relationship. If a friendship is having a negative effect on your relationship, you need to end the friendship because your priority should be the relationship. Your gf shouldn't even have to ask you - you should recognise when something affects your relationship and take steps to resolve the issue.

 

My friends come with me as a package deal. If you don't like them, you really don't like me either.

You seem to be equating "friends" with "exes", and it's not the same type of relationship. One is a friendship which has never progressed beyond being platonic, while the other has previously been a deeper sexual and emotional relationship which you're now reducing to friendship. There has been too much previous closeness in your relationship with an ex, and maintaining that closeness is inappropriate if you have a new gf.

 

I refuse to hurt someone (or really, two people, including myself) just to gloss over someone else's insecurity complex.

It isn't an insecurity complex to want to be the only person in your partner's life with whom he has shared certain deep and personal things. The fact that he has previously shared those things with an ex is what makes the friendship inappropriate. A friendship with an ex is obviously going to be deeper than a normal friendship - inappropriately deep if you have a new gf.

[phineas]

yes. It is impossible for it to be fully platonic.

 

This is true, but I believe the non-platonic feelings usually come from the male side of the "friends with ex" situation.

 

He may not have feelings for her, but he still wants to sleep with her.

[Minnie09]

Generally I wouldn't mind. However, my Ex was weird in that respect. He didn't want me to be friends with my exes, and I usually don't feel the need to be friends with exes, because they are exes for a reason. BUT:

He did maintain (and still does) relations with almost all his exes, whereas I was not allowed to. Plus: He did it in secret. Lying by omitting. Leaving the room when on the phone with exW no 1 or 2, or GF no 6. You get the picture.

So, I don't know. His attitude and double standards kind of changed my naiveté as far as this subject is concerned. Yep. We will be divorced soon.

He also had an A with one of his female "buddies".

Oh, and I wasn't allowed to have any male friends, of course.

This is the period in my life during which I just learned to hate double standards.

 

If there's a balance and fairness in an R, I don't mind most things. Friends with exes, friends with the opposite sex, going out alone, traveling for business a lot.....who cares? But same rights for everybody, pls.

[aerogurl87]

 

 

If shes like a friend who invites him out to group events and suff thats cool. But if he has private meals with her and spends alone time and chats with her on the phone... he cheats

 

Yeah it's pretty much like this. He comes from a small town and they go to the same church and he hangs out with her and all their friends together. No one on one time, more like hanging out with her and his other friends at the same time as they have the same circle of friends. But he always tells me when she'll be around and he doesn't try to hide her from me which is why I guess it doesn't bother me anymore.

[aerogurl87]

You know some people make good friends but horrible partners for each other. That's how things were with my most recent ex and there's no way I'd go back to dating him, although I can't really talk to him as he was secretly holding out hope on a reconciliation between the two of us. But for some people being friends can work I think.

[Peter Pry]

Therefore you prioritize your friendships ahead of your relationship. If a friendship is having a negative effect on your relationship, you need to end the friendship because your priority should be the relationship. Your gf shouldn't even have to ask you - you should recognise when something affects your relationship and take steps to resolve the issue.

 

Yes, steps should be taken to resolve an issue that affects the relationship. Those steps need not involve injury to innocent bystanders to whom bonds of friendship have been forged.

 

 

There has been too much previous closeness in your relationship with an ex, and maintaining that closeness is inappropriate if you have a new gf.

Is the closeness "previous", or is it being "maintained?" It can't be both.

 

 

It isn't an insecurity complex to want to be the only person in your partner's life with whom he has shared certain deep and personal things.

Yes it is, because for anyone over the age of 20, your partner almost certainly has a sexual or romantic past that you're just going to have to deal with. Your partner has already shared most of those things with other people. Burning photos, letters, and bridges doesn't change that fact. It merely glosses it over.

 

So this confirms that when you said, in an earlier post, that you'll be there for your current gf "always," you didn't actually mean "always."

 

Thank you for the clarification.

 

Excuse me for getting a little romantic about my romantic partner. Yes, my love is conditional, as is yours, if a "doormat" is not something you want to be. The relationship would be over if she cheated, or betrayed my trust, or went on an axe-murdering spree. But I trust that she's not going to do any of that, and so, yeah, "always."

 

Well naturally. Neither you nor your current partner appear really super-committed to each other. You both have at least a couple of "back up plans." At least there's a certain degree of "balance" in your current relationship.

Believe me, my ex is no back up plan. There's a reason we're not together, and that will never happen again.

 

I really haven't said all that much about my relationship with my partner at all; it's irrelevant to the discussion, but from a fierce defense of friendship, you infer that I can't possibly have a serious committed relationship to her. I find that super interesting.

 

Do you actually believe neither of your gf's exes could possibly harbor any ulterior motives simply because you claim that you don't harbor them?

No, I claim that because I know them well and they're my friends too. Actually, I don't even have to claim that. She has no ulterior motives, and I trust her. That's what trust is.

 

Borat...

Weren't you the one who called me out on no personal attacks? This makes you a hypocrite.

 

Fine then go ahead and marry your gf.

Okay.

[InceptorsRule]

 

Excuse me for getting a little romantic about my romantic partner. Yes, my love is conditional, as is yours, if a "doormat" is not something you want to be. The relationship would be over if she cheated, or betrayed my trust, or went on an axe-murdering spree. But I trust that she's not going to do any of that, and so, yeah, "always."

 

Obviously cheating is a legitimate deal-breaker for most people so we have no disagreement there. But, two points--you'd previously stated that it would be a deal-breaker for you if your gf gave you a hard time about you maintaining relationships with ex-gf's. You said it was a matter of "principle." I don't think breaking up with your gf because she cheats on you is in any way comparable to breaking up with her because you want to maintain relationships with ex-gfs.

 

In fact IMO the contrary is true, and as a matter of fact, your sensitivity to the cheating issue as a deal-breaker for a relationship is key to trying to get some effective communication in this discussion. That's the second point.

 

Let's agree that cheating is a deal-breaker. O.K. So now try to imagine why so many people believe it to be a not-very-good-idea to maintain close friendships with exes.

 

It's all about protecting and preserving the primary relationship, the "romantic" one with a partner, by establishing and maintaining adequate boundaries. Apparently this is not something you've thought about extensively.

 

I'm going to ask you to do so. Think about how most cheating probably happens in most relationships. No one deliberately selects as a romantic partner, someone that they believe will be likely to cheat on them. Right? Yet cheating happens quite a bit despite that selection process.

 

Ever wonder why? Do you think everyone who cheats is an evil person to the core (obviously some are)? No they are not all evil to the core. And certainly many people in relationships don't start out to cheat.

 

So how does it happen? In many many cases it's a result of failure to maintain strong personal boundaries.

 

This includes being VERY careful about things like hanging out with exes, because of the track record of prior romance. It's just asking for trouble. People think they can just "hang out," OK. But if various boundaries are crossed, that makes it that much easier to cross the "ultimate" boundary.

 

So let's say one day you have a big fight with the gf. You haven't been getting along too well for several weeks. Then one day you have a big blow up. Who does she (or you) go running to for solace?

 

Well if there are exes around, and available, maybe she (or you) go running to the ex. Esp. if it's become a habit based on the so-called "friendship." And while she (or you) is doing the crying on the shoulder thing, maybe there's a little alcohol drinking going on. A couple of glasses of wine. And she's crying to her ex-bf about you, she's stressed out, she doesn't know what to do, and they're both drinking. And maybe they're both kind of horny.

 

And next thing you know they have their arms around each other. And dam* it it feels good just like it used to when they were together. And they look at each other and he or she says "Why did we ever break up?" And once any physical contact happens in that kind of situation, things can escalate rapidly--ESPECIALLY when they've already had sex in the past. They're both known quantities to each other.

 

And as they say "stuff happens."

 

And then the next morning in the bright light of daytime, with a hangover, they're both like "Ugh why did we do that?" But by then of course it's too late, isn't it?

 

THAT'S WHY so many people are leery of relationships with "exes." It makes it SO MUCH EASIER to cross boundaries which should not be crossed if one is in a committed relationship with someone else.

 

Listen--I really DON'T think that ANYONE would have a serious objection if you limited your relationship with an ex to say bowling on Tuesday nights.

 

BUT THAT'S JUST NOT THE WAY THESE THINGS TYPICALLY PLAY OUT.

 

If you are concerned about cheating in a relationship, then why not try to apply a little practical common sense to the situation? Remember all it takes is ONE error of judgment in the wrong circumstances and your entire relationship is blown apart. It's so much easier to make that kind of a mistake if you're spending a lot of time with people you've previously had a romantic or sexual involvement with. THAT'S WHY it's not a very good idea to maintain close friendships with exes IMO.

 

 

Believe me, my ex is no back up plan. There's a reason we're not together, and that will never happen again.

 

There are just too many exes involved in your relationship. Someone is someone else's backup plan, we just don't know the details. It's great to have good intentions but it's kind of hard to believe that someone with the amount of relationship experience you seem to have wouldn't understand what the concerns are.

 

 

 

 

I really haven't said all that much about my relationship with my partner at all; it's irrelevant to the discussion, but from a fierce defense of friendship, you infer that I can't possibly have a serious committed relationship to her. I find that super interesting.

 

How could your relationship be "irrelevant to the discussion"? That's what the discussion is all about. The reason that you don't keep exes around is to protect the boundaries of your primary romantic relationship. If you don't care about your primary relationship then yes I agree it's irrelevant to this discussion, you can have whoever you want as friends.

 

 

 

 

No, I claim that because I know them well and they're my friends too. Actually, I don't even have to claim that. She has no ulterior motives, and I trust her. That's what trust is.

 

Lots of people who do get cheated on, get cheated on by their partners with their best friends, it's not uncommon at all. In reality they most likely view you as competitors for your gf's affection and are jealous of you.

 

As far as your gf's intentions, obviously, if you believe her to have ulterior motives, why would you be with her in the first place? That's not the point at all. The apparent notion you have that you, your gf, your mutual friends, and your current relationship are somehow magically "invulnerable" to the workings of ordinary human nature simply because you "want it to be so" is what is most concerning to me. There is a term called being "blind sided" and I hope it doesn't happen to you OR your gf. But if you aren't able to establish firm and clear boundaries in relationships, then there won't be any, and you put your primary relationship "at risk," regardless of anyone's high minded principle and intentions. An ounce of prevention, in this case, is worth a ton of cure.

 

 

 

 

Weren't you the one who called me out on no personal attacks? This makes you a hypocrite.

 

 

I referred to you as "Borat" not as a "personal attack" but because your avatar is a picture of Borat. Isn't it?

[Crazy Magnet]

UGH. I'm going through this again right now. I maintain that when these "friends" cross lines and do things like detailing her first kiss with MY boyfriend to my face, and constantly making remarks about dating MY bf then she's not really a "friend" and needs to go the F away.

 

Thoughts? I'm not crazy, right? (Though he is trying to convince me that I am "restricting" his circle of friends by asking him to not hang out with this girl post kissing story. Not to mention the penis story....Ick.)