Hopeful30 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Even though you knew it was purely platonic? Would it bother you?
skydiveaddict Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Yes it would bother me a great deal. In fact I would not put up with it. Have you told him how much it bothers you?
yah Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Depends on how serious/long the relationship was and their extent of current contact I guess. If they're just acquaintances, no. If they're basically best buds, somewhat. If I met her and joined into their social circle I think I could be OK with it but once in a blue moon I might still feel a pang of jealousy/insecurity.
Author Hopeful30 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Yes it would bother me a great deal. In fact I would not put up with it. Have you told him how much it bothers you? This doesn't relate to me at all.
USMCHokie Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Are they actually friends or acquaintances? That is, do they talk maybe once every few months or do they go out every weekend like they are still best friends? That would be what matters to me...the frequency and extent of their contact...
northstar1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Are they actually friends or acquaintances? That is, do they talk maybe once every few months or do they go out every weekend like they are still best friends? That would be what matters to me...the frequency and extent of their contact... I agree. If they catch up once in a while and it's clear that there is no residual romantic feelings, then it doesn't bother me. I may not really like it, because you never really want any ex's in the picture at all, but it's not worth getting that upset about. I don't think you can expect that current SO never has any form of contact with any ex ever, esp if they have any sort of mutual friendships. You have to be able to trust your SO. However, if they ex is contacting them frequently, and they are responding or going out alone, then I would have a problem since you have to question the purpose and in most cases it's because they like to receive the attention and ego stroke.
Hannah86 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Keeping in touch with is ok. An occasional email or text is fine and it will die down with time. There might be some residual feelings or loose ends to tie up particularly if the breakup was amicable. It crosses a line when the ex is just as involved in his everyday dramas as you are. Does she know about his promotion? His nephew's first word? Did she help him pick out your birthday present? Does she offer him advice on your relationship? I put up with a guy for too long that was in touch with his ex a suspicious amount (in spite of her living in another state!!) and POOF! We breakup, and two weeks later she visited him, pictures all over facebook. She was waiting for me to be out of the picture, and his feelings for her never subsided.
phineas Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 IF they were friends before & she's close with his family I can see friends after but it depends on how much time they spend together & how much she talks about him. If she talks about her ex more than her other friends i'd just walk away. I'd never have an ex on the brain with a woman i'm really into & would never even talk about her as I think it's disrespectful at worst & annoying at best. I don't want to be a place holder while round 2 with the ex ramps up. My ex-wife remained friends with her ex's & even though they lived out of state I caught her sending them nude pics while we were married & i'm assuming she hooked up with them when they came into town while married because according to her e-mails she had met them a few times & kept it from me.
Green Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I don't think "insecure" is the right word. I just don't want to date a girl who is friends with her ex. Really I wouldn't even be cool with a girl who was still facebook friends with her ex and had him posting on her wall... heck I don't even want him on the friends list or his pictures of him with his arm around her showing up. (I'm cool with her keeping pictures just not having them up on her fb page and having him as a friend) What would really piss me off is if she hung out with her ex in date like situations like going over to his place... spending any type of alone time like eating, drinking, coffee ect... So insecure isn't the right word because its just drama I don't want to deal with and I actualy find it insecure to put up with drama.
EasyHeart Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I don't think "insecure" is the right word. I just don't want to date a girl who is friends with her ex. Exactly right. It's not being "insecure", it's being rational. And she isn't being cool by being "friends" with an ex, she's being selfish and disrespectful to you. You can be friendly with an ex, but you can't be friends.
Philetus Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Even though you knew it was purely platonic? Would it bother you? In a word, 'no'. When I make a commitment to someone, that commitment is total. I trust them, I believe them, I take them at their word. Unconditional love means just that to me. Of course, the flip side is I don't give second chances. I accept that they have a past, that they have a life beyond me, and they are the best judges of what is right for them. I don't presume to tell people how to live their lives. If a friendship with an ex is a problem for some reason, I'd address it. If I was unhappy with the response, I would move on.
LoveLace Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Exactly right. It's not being "insecure", it's being rational. And she isn't being cool by being "friends" with an ex, she's being selfish and disrespectful to you. You can be friendly with an ex, but you can't be friends. That's what I was thinking. Anything beyond a catch up phone call every 6 months or so isn't necessary IMO. That's assuming they had a pretty long term thing and were very close to each other's families and such; then it's natural to wonder about people and how they are doing, etc. But if any "hanging out" was involved I could never tolerate that...unless MAYBE that hanging out included me, my SO, plus the Ex and their SO, but even that would be weird.
Lorelai Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 It would not bother me. And if it did, it would be hypocritical, since I'm friends with several of my exes. The ones I speak to most often are two guys that I dated well over 10 years ago -- one was my high school sweetheart. My most recent ex had some jealousy issues -- we met through an ex of mine, a guy he used to be friends with, and apparently the guy said something really crass about being able to get me in bed anytime he wanted if he tried. Both because that type of comment really pissed me off, and out of respect for the guy I was dating, I cut contact with him to a bare minimum. But I did that by my own choice. If a man I was dating tried to tell me not to talk to my friends, regardless of if they were exes or not, I would likely not take that well. BTW: Most of the time I talk to my exes over the PC, and I keep all of my IMs logged. If a guy I was dating questioned it, I would be more than willing to let them see the logs.
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 It's not really that I'd be insecure; more that I'd choose not to put up with it. If I were in the early stages of dating a guy and found out that he was buddy-buddy with an ex or exes, I would take it as a strong negative and probably look elsewhere. But if my boyfriend, who I've been with for over two years, came home one day and told me he was going to start hanging out/being friends with an ex, it would be even more inappropriate, and I would likely end the relationship if it continued. The way I view it is, there are millions of people to choose from to be your friends. There is NO reason, while in a relationship, to choose an ex out of those millions of people. It's highly inappropriate. I remain completely contact-free with my exes and expect the same from my partner.
Star Gazer Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Are they actually friends or acquaintances? That is, do they talk maybe once every few months or do they go out every weekend like they are still best friends? That would be what matters to me...the frequency and extent of their contact... I agree. If they catch up once in a while and it's clear that there is no residual romantic feelings, then it doesn't bother me. I may not really like it, because you never really want any ex's in the picture at all, but it's not worth getting that upset about. I don't think you can expect that current SO never has any form of contact with any ex ever, esp if they have any sort of mutual friendships. You have to be able to trust your SO. However, if they ex is contacting them frequently, and they are responding or going out alone, then I would have a problem since you have to question the purpose and in most cases it's because they like to receive the attention and ego stroke. Rational responses - totally agree. I think it also depends on who the "hurt" person was, and my gut instinct on whether there were any residual feelings there. I don't think "insecure" is the right word. I just don't want to date a girl who is friends with her ex. Really I wouldn't even be cool with a girl who was still facebook friends with her ex... Are you serious?!? Even OLD ex's from years ago?
Eeyore79 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I am Facebook friends with a couple of exes, because they were decent people and didn't treat me badly, we just weren't compatible and we broke up amicably. I like to keep in touch occasionally and see how they're doing, but I think it would be inappropriate for us to be close friends and hang out all the time - it would be disrespectful to my new partner and also to his. If my partner was friends with his ex, I wouldn't like it, but would tolerate it depending on the level of contact. If it was occasional texts or emails, seeing each other when out with mutual friends, and he didn't expect me to see her or be friendly to her, that would be bearable. But if she wanted to come round to his house (especially if I lived with him and it was also my house) that would not be ok. If they were in regular contact and he wanted to spend time with her alone, having dinner or coffee etc, that would also not be ok. My bf is in contact with his ex, but the contact doesn't seem to be too close, and she appears to be disappearing a little since he's been dating me and she's dating someone else. If their contact doesn't diminish appropriately over time or she appears to be too involved in his life, I will ask him to rectify the situation, and if he doesn't I will simply dump him.
Peter Pry Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 (edited) Really I wouldn't even be cool with a girl who was still facebook friends with her ex and had him posting on her wall... heck I don't even want him on the friends list or his pictures of him with his arm around her showing up. (I'm cool with her keeping pictures just not having them up on her fb page and having him as a friend) I'm sorry, but that is really controlling. Your partner's ex was a part of her life for a long time--- an important part. It's over now, but that doesn't mean she has to purge her memory and psyche and life of this person. So it didn't work out between them. She's allowed to keep pictures and mementos of a bygone time on her facebook. We broke up with some exes acrimoniously. No one probably ever wants to hear from them again. Other exes we shared a life with and it just didn't work out for one reason or another; we weren't compatible with them romantically. But if we broke up with them on good terms, with the understanding that it just wasn't right, on what basis could our partners insist that we never see them again? We have a shared life and history with them. They're part of who we are today. To insist that we give that all up and never see those people again is way off base. You're all off base and using normative rules of behavior to mask deep insecurities that will likely, eventually, tank any healthy relationship. I'd like to know exactly how you believe that remaining friends with exes is "disrespectful" to anyone. If it's "disrespectful" because it might make the partner insecure, then that's the partner's problem to appropriately deal with that insecurity. Insecurity is an internal psychological issue that must be dealt with by the individual, not by the individual attempting to control who his partner is friends with. Even if the partner does ditch the friend, or ex, or whatever, that won't address the core psychological issue and the controlling behavior will continue. What's disrespectful to a partner is to serve ultimatums. Any partner who tries to get between me and something important to me, especially a friend, whether they are exes or not, is going to find themselves kicked to the curb in very short order. Similarly with a friend who serves an ultimatum on another friend, or certainly a partner. Edited September 1, 2010 by Peter Pry
cottoncandy1 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 This is so funny because I just posted my date story and I am asking myself this same question as we speak. We went on our first date and I brought my kindle with me and I had a kindle book with 101 dating questions and I asked him that question - are you friends with any of your exes? He said "some" - I was trying to act like it didn't bother me, but it kind of did and now I'm worried it might bother me in the long run, if it works out. We had a great time though answering questions and I got to know him pretty well for a short time period. So to answer your question, I'm not sure! But probably!
InceptorsRule Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 The bottom line to answer OP's original question is that no heterosexual guy is going to have any interest at all in maintaining any kind of a "platonic friendship" with an ex-gf unless he's holding out the hope of somehow reinitiating the sexual aspect of the relationship. No such thing as truly "platonic friendships" between exes. That's ludicrous.
Peter Pry Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 The bottom line to answer OP's original question is that no heterosexual guy is going to have any interest at all in maintaining any kind of a "platonic friendship" with an ex-gf unless he's holding out the hope of somehow reinitiating the sexual aspect of the relationship. No such thing as truly "platonic friendships" between exes. That's ludicrous. Nonsense. I am a heterosexual guy who enjoys at least two platonic friendships with exes where I have absolutely zero interest in any further sex with them (primarily because it was the sexual aspect of the relationship that was causing all the problems leading to them becoming exes). While I'm sure it's nice to live in an oversimplified model of reality, your theory fails by counter-example. Not all guys are like you.
Eeyore79 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 What's disrespectful to a partner is to serve ultimatums. Any partner who tries to get between me and something important to me, especially a friend, whether they are exes or not, is going to find themselves kicked to the curb in very short order. Similarly with a friend who serves an ultimatum on another friend, or certainly a partner. Your gf should be your priority, not your ex. If your gf doesn't like your ex hanging around, your priority should be to make your gf happy, not to continue seeing your ex. What you said sounds extremely selfish - if your gf conflicts with something else in your life then you'll dump her rather than make any compromises.
Fire Salamander Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Nonsense. I am a heterosexual guy who enjoys at least two platonic friendships with exes where I have absolutely zero interest in any further sex with them (primarily because it was the sexual aspect of the relationship that was causing all the problems leading to them becoming exes). While I'm sure it's nice to live in an oversimplified model of reality, your theory fails by counter-example. Not all guys are like you. Either way there's always one party that wants to get back. In your case It's probably your exes that want another relationship with you. Most of the time the girl does the dumping that's why there seems to be mostly girls with lots of ex boy friends. There's no such thing as platonic relationships. Even if you're friends with that ugly girl she wants you. People don't hang around to things they're repulsed by. Hence the term attraction.
desertmoon Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 The bottom line to answer OP's original question is that no heterosexual guy is going to have any interest at all in maintaining any kind of a "platonic friendship" with an ex-gf unless he's holding out the hope of somehow reinitiating the sexual aspect of the relationship. No such thing as truly "platonic friendships" between exes. That's ludicrous. I am friends with my ex husband...we are not bosom buddies but we are cordial and civil. I guess the "friendship" has to be defined. I am friends with the first and only guy who has ever dumped me !
Crazy Magnet Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I've never seen a relationship between ex's that was purely platonic on both sides.
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