BB07 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Pollyanna, isn't your husband a serial cheater and has had numerous affairs during your marriage? Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else. As for my 2 cents worth, I'd leave the OW alone. There is no reason to be digging up bones, for you nor for her. I would think talking to her would reopen old wounds for all involved.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Pollyanna, isn't your husband a serial cheater and has had numerous affairs during your marriage? Sorry if I have you mixed up with someone else. As for my 2 cents worth, I'd leave the OW alone. There is no reason to be digging up bones, for you nor for her. I would think talking to her would reopen old wounds for all involved. Yes my husband is the serial cheater, but this last affair was also emotional, He loved her, He says he thought it was love...I say he did love her. I know...I don't know whats in his head but being with him since the age of 14 I know he loved or at least cared for her. I just feel like she got the brunt of our ..very back then disfunctional marriage...and to clarify...I was NEVER, or will I ever be the OW, I did have a short affair with a single man, after I heard the truth of my husband and my sham of a marriage, it ended quick when my husband begged me to stay..I loved him and he loved me..I"m just trying to figure out if I can live with the fact he loved someone else...I don't think the OW deserved any of the pain she felt because of his lies, and I know this now...wether or noth she knew he was married.
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 I see what you're saying but to come in and be the BS, then later admit in passing you were also unfaithful, then make rude comments to your Hs OW about how great the sex was, then come on here in a matter of days and all of a sudden be all apologetic and understanding. Sorry it doesn't wash with me. I was a BS and an OW so I'm well aware of the anger and healing but her dday was 2 years ago and I'd think that all of this flip flopping would have been better explained in the first 6 months or so. Not 2 years out. I know there's not a rule for healing times but this isn't pretty in my eyes. This was'nt the same OW I was wanting to apologize too...it was the first OW he was with that I made this remark about...long story, not a nice person...and yes I know how incredibly messed up this all sounds...but I'm pretty messed up myself...sorry:(
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 This was'nt the same OW I was wanting to apologize too...it was the first OW he was with that I made this remark about...long story, not a nice person...and yes I know how incredibly messed up this all sounds...but I'm pretty messed up myself...sorry:( also...6 months into all of it I was so highly medicated, and my H and I were spending every waking moment together trying to bond...6 months ago I had no Ideal I would feel this way now, it took my 2 years just to get as strong as I am now...so sorry if the time frame was'nt appropriate.
BB07 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Yes my husband is the serial cheater, but this last affair was also emotional, He loved her, He says he thought it was love...I say he did love her. I know...I don't know whats in his head but being with him since the age of 14 I know he loved or at least cared for her. I just feel like she got the brunt of our ..very back then disfunctional marriage...and to clarify...I was NEVER, or will I ever be the OW, I did have a short affair with a single man, after I heard the truth of my husband and my sham of a marriage, it ended quick when my husband begged me to stay..I loved him and he loved me..I"m just trying to figure out if I can live with the fact he loved someone else...I don't think the OW deserved any of the pain she felt because of his lies, and I know this now...wether or noth she knew he was married. I don't think that you wanting to contact her has much to do with wanting to tell her you apologize, which that's OK, I get that and understand it, but if you and your husband are in a good place now. Let it go. If you still suspect that he has feelings for her or is maybe contacting her, to maybe find out if your suspicions are true, that is a totally different thing, is that it?
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Polly, If you feel the need to really get the act of forgiving out into the world for your own healing, you can do that without actually contacting the OW and stirring things up for her again. (which would likely only hamper her own recovery.) Might I suggest something that has helped me before... Just write the words, "I forgive you." on note cards. (Index cards work well.) Punch a hole in the corner of the card, tie a ribbon through it, and tie it to a helium balloon. Make as many of them as you need in order to feel as though you really truly have released yourself from the pain of carrying the anger with you. (because that is really what the forgiveness is about, releasing yourself from the pain of carrying the anger.) Then take the balloons outside and release them one at a time while saying outloud "I forgive you." I know it sounds cheesy, but I found it very therapeutic to go through with a physical act of forgiveness. I really did feel as though I was letting go of my anger with each card I sent on it's way out into the world. **It works to write it on paper and fold them into paper boats you release into the ocean as well.... I'm taking your advice and writing it all down...to everyone...and never sending it, tx for the idea.
herenow Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 OK, here is my honest reply. May sound harsh, but you don't owe the OW anything. She isn't part of your life. Your focus should be on you, your H and your marriage. To bring her back in your life, even to apologize, would be counter-productive to your reconciliation. Let the OW go in every way. JMO.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 OK, here is my honest reply. May sound harsh, but you don't owe the OW anything. She isn't part of your life. Your focus should be on you, your H and your marriage. To bring her back in your life, even to apologize, would be counter-productive to your reconciliation. Let the OW go in every way. JMO. exactly!! because OW certainly don't think they owe anything to the wife...so you don't owe jack to the OW
Author pollyanna22 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Of course you are.... What is your problem? if you don't have anything constructive to say ...don't say anything.pleae.
Mombot Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Are you sure he is not still seeing her? If he isn't apologize. He mut have told some ginormous lies. And not only to you.
torranceshipman Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 I have a question for the OW/OM out there. I found out about my husbands affair...or should I say many affairs two years a go. The one in paticular that he was actually thinking of leaving for was the one that broke the camels back. I called this OW and completely chewed her up, thinking it was all her fault, being totally distraught that was my first reaction. After my husband and I decided to work it out he told me of other infidelity, so we can move on with honesty. I now know it was not her fault and for some reason I actually feel bad, she knew he was married, but I'm sure there were a lot of lies by him that made her think it was over with us. It's been two years an I still struggle but we are trying to make it work. part of me wants to tell this woman I know it was'nt her fault..probably for my own selfish reassons, I feel like If I told her that maybe I could let it go. What do you all think? If it was you would you want the wife to write you and tell you that? should I just let it go...probably right. please let me know. she probably could give a crap anyway...tell me what you think Wow, you sound nice. And your intutition is telling you something strong, and I think you should listen to it. Regardless of her reaction, it is a nice thing to do, and I think it will make YOU feel better, which is the only important thing here. Definitely do it.
Author pollyanna22 Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Are you sure he is not still seeing her? If he isn't apologize. He mut have told some ginormous lies. And not only to you. thers no way he is seeing her still...of course I was fooled before, It's been two years, I think she's just moved on, and as far as I know she has a boyfriend..thats not to say he would'nt cheat agian, thats what I struggle with, by i"m most certain it would'nt be with her.
Author pollyanna22 Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Wow, you sound nice. And your intutition is telling you something strong, and I think you should listen to it. Regardless of her reaction, it is a nice thing to do, and I think it will make YOU feel better, which is the only important thing here. Definitely do it. My intuition is telling me there is probably a lot more I don't know about the two of them, not sure I need to know all of it, as much as I want to some times, I do know he lied to her just as much as to me. The week before all this was found out , we went out for dinner, and had a nice long night together, he put my hand on his heart and said "you have this forever, since I was 14"..not to be weird and give to much info..but we acted like teens that nigh having sex in his car!...then when he told me everything he said...how could you not know something was wrong????....If thats not a screwed up situation nothing is! the point is I know he lied a lot..to both of us..thats why I feel bad.
torranceshipman Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 My intuition is telling me there is probably a lot more I don't know about the two of them, not sure I need to know all of it, as much as I want to some times, I do know he lied to her just as much as to me. The week before all this was found out , we went out for dinner, and had a nice long night together, he put my hand on his heart and said "you have this forever, since I was 14"..not to be weird and give to much info..but we acted like teens that nigh having sex in his car!...then when he told me everything he said...how could you not know something was wrong????....If thats not a screwed up situation nothing is! the point is I know he lied a lot..to both of us..thats why I feel bad. That sucks...but it is also an interesting view into the mind of a cheater - and also useful for OW's to read. Seriously, he wonders why you didn't see that anything was wrong, after a night like that?! - and was obviously also telling the OW stories that were opposite to how things really were, if he was saying romantic stuff like that to you. I'd do whatever you feel is right...perhaps do some more thinking - maybe it is still the need for more info you need, or the need to talk to her...think it through then whatever you feel you need, I say just do it. One last thought - is your intuition possibly flagging something up to you right now...as in, suspecting there might be an OW again? - and you are presuming these feelings are about the old A? Possibly keep your eyes open and see if there is any evidence of anything happening right now as (I hope not, but) I suppose it is possible that another OW might be in the picture.
2themoon&back Posted September 5, 2010 Posted September 5, 2010 (edited) i am the OW, and i have been blamed for the whole A, and i do not see a need for the W to say anything else to me... even 2yrs from now ... let her be, she may not be so forgiving or receptive to you, and you do not need that my question to you is why do you want to stay with this M, i know you have loved him since you were 14, but i bet you loved a lot of things when you were 14, that you really have no use for now and he has hurt you over and over, i am sure you too deserve better and maybe some forgiveness for yourself ... for allowing him to hurt you this way. good luck Edited September 5, 2010 by 2themoon&back
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