should I just let it go?? I'm the wife

August 30, 2010

I have a question for the OW/OM out there. I found out about my husbands affair...or should I say many affairs two years a go. The one in paticular that he was actually thinking of leaving for was the one that broke the camels back. I called this OW and completely chewed her up, thinking it was all her fault, being totally distraught that was my first reaction. After my husband and I decided to work it out he told me of other infidelity, so we can move on with honesty. I now know it was not her fault and for some reason I actually feel bad, she knew he was married, but I'm sure there were a lot of lies by him that made her think it was over with us. It's been two years an I still struggle but we are trying to make it work. part of me wants to tell this woman I know it was'nt her fault..probably for my own selfish reassons, I feel like If I told her that maybe I could let it go. What do you all think? If it was you would you want the wife to write you and tell you that? should I just let it go...probably right. please let me know. she probably could give a crap anyway...tell me what you think

August 30, 2010

Tell her ... the affair would not have happened without your husband's consent. Get real with the marriage. Is he willing to consider counseling for his repeated transgressions? Can YOU live with this?

August 30, 2010

Tell her ... the affair would not have happened without your husband's consent. Get real with the marriage. Is he willing to consider counseling for his repeated transgressions? Can YOU live with this?

not sure what the answer was you were trying to convay? but yes we've been in counceling for a long time and I am real with the marriage...believe me lol! the Question is ..does she even want, need , or care for my forgiveness to her? does it even matter? Part of my recovery for "myselff" is lwtting go and forgiveness of everyone involved.

August 30, 2010

I don't know what to say to you. On the one hand, if you need to apologize in order for you to move on..then by all means do so. But........do you really think this will help you to move on? Why do you think it will help you? Why does saying those words to her have an affect on how you might feel afterwards?

On the other hand, why do you think she deserves to hear that you forgive her? What will it mean for her? For you? There are so many questions you should answer within yourself before you take this step. What are your plans?where do you want to go? How are you going to get there?

Until you answer those questions I wouldn't contact her. I would write her a letter and never send it. I wrote many letters to the OW(and Mr. Messy), but I didn't send them. When I felt like I needed to speak with her for my healing..I did. When I felt like speaking to her and it no real benefit for me...I didn't speak with her.

August 30, 2010

If you feel bad about the way you talked to her, tell her. What have you got to lose? It's a nice gesture of good will and if she reacts badly, it's her problem, although I don't see why she would.

She might be over it all now but I would imagine it to be a positive surprise for her.

You can just send an email or something, very brief one.

August 30, 2010

Its been 2 years. He was seriously thinking of leaving. It takes a long time to get over something like that for all 3 of you.

I think telling her would be selfish. It probably took her a long time to get over this and the last thing she needs is to hear from you even if your intentions are good. Its a slap in the face to call her and say gee now I know you werent the first, its not your fault that is just how he is. If you feel the need to slap her then thats what you will do, but to me its a slap.

And its 2 years later. Do you really need to slap her 2 years later?

Telling her you were wrong to blame her has nothing to do with you getting over it. She has no new informaton to offer you. Some here would say that she was in part at fault. If you wanted to call and say you felt badly that you blamed her and leave it at that, thats one thing but I suspect you will want to say more and that you really are feeling the need to tell her she was not that special and to hurt her because 2 years on you are still hurting.

I hope you find more peace soon.

August 30, 2010

Its been 2 years. He was seriously thinking of leaving. It takes a long time to get over something like that for all 3 of you.

I think telling her would be selfish. It probably took her a long time to get over this and the last thing she needs is to hear from you even if your intentions are good. Its a slap in the face to call her and say gee now I know you werent the first, its not your fault that is just how he is. If you feel the need to slap her then thats what you will do, but to me its a slap.

And its 2 years later. Do you really need to slap her 2 years later?

Telling her you were wrong to blame her has nothing to do with you getting over it. She has no new informaton to offer you. Some here would say that she was in part at fault. If you wanted to call and say you felt badly that you blamed her and leave it at that, thats one thing but I suspect you will want to say more and that you really are feeling the need to tell her she was not that special and to hurt her because 2 years on you are still hurting.

I hope you find more peace soon.

I think your right...I' m leaving it alone, because it is selfish on my part..and I don't need her thinking Im totally insane! my theraptist says I'm too forgiving if there is such a thing..it may be a gift, but it could also hurt people including myself...thanx for the response.

August 30, 2010

Polly,

If you feel the need to really get the act of forgiving out into the world for your own healing, you can do that without actually contacting the OW and stirring things up for her again. (which would likely only hamper her own recovery.)

Might I suggest something that has helped me before...

Just write the words, "I forgive you." on note cards. (Index cards work well.)

Punch a hole in the corner of the card, tie a ribbon through it, and tie it to a helium balloon.

Make as many of them as you need in order to feel as though you really truly have released yourself from the pain of carrying the anger with you. (because that is really what the forgiveness is about, releasing yourself from the pain of carrying the anger.) Then take the balloons outside and release them one at a time while saying outloud "I forgive you."

I know it sounds cheesy, but I found it very therapeutic to go through with a physical act of forgiveness. I really did feel as though I was letting go of my anger with each card I sent on it's way out into the world.

**It works to write it on paper and fold them into paper boats you release into the ocean as well....

August 30, 2010

I think your right...I' m leaving it alone, because it is selfish on my part..and I don't need her thinking Im totally insane! my theraptist says I'm too forgiving if there is such a thing..it may be a gift, but it could also hurt people including myself...thanx for the response.

I hope you haven't been too forgiving of your husband

I think jj is right, it could certainly be a slap to the OW. But even if its not I can't see any benefit to the OW and it could open the door to further trauma for you.

August 30, 2010

Tell her ... the affair would not have happened without your husband's consent. Get real with the marriage. Is he willing to consider counseling for his repeated transgressions? Can YOU live with this?

That wasn't the OP's question. Can YOU stay on topic?

August 30, 2010

You're attitude really touched me, Pollyanna. In my opinion, I wouldn't like to receive an apology for blame (I was chewed up over the phone) for all the reasons JJ gave - it would set me back. She will still believe that you blame her but she may just understand your position and, if anything, bear more anger towards your husband for letting that happen, and perhaps spinning it that way.

I understand your desire to apologise; it shows your compassionate, forgiving nature. I think FA's idea is a nice one (she recommended it to me a while back and I did it; it left a feeling of catharsis and is worth a try).

I hope you find your way out of this situation, whatever path that may be.

August 30, 2010

It seems you're over the guilt now!

The OW/OM board can be a supporting place for the BS. But to enter in here under false bull$hit stories may not get you too far.

August 30, 2010

It seems you're over the guilt now!

The OW/OM board can be a supporting place for the BS. But to enter in here under false bull$hit stories may not get you too far.

Jamie,

Your link does not appear to work for me. Can you please clarify what the accusation is that you are making?

August 30, 2010

I pretty much agree with JJ but want to add a few other things.

Maybe the OW doesn't know there were other As in his life. If all of a sudden you call her and start saying I forgive you because I found out he was sleeping with others you're doing her no favors on her healing.

You may not like the reaction you get from the OW. You may go into it with the idea it'll be a peaceful and forgiving and almost nice call. A moment where the warring factions find a graceful resolution. If my exMMs W rang me after some of the conversations and emails and texts she threw at me I would verbally rip her head off. I think most OW are understanding enough of the hurt a BS feels upon discovering what happened (many of us have been the BS) but once the emotion has died down and there is no 'excuse' for the call then all bets are off. I took all sorts from her when it happened but she called me a few months later and she was told the calls weren't welcome and if she ever called again I'd make sure and get in touch with her kids, as she'd done mine, and let them know how happy the marriage was at that point. I would have done it then as well. She awoke the sleeping monster and she had her hand nipped at but if she'd prodded I'd have gone at her as she had done me.

I would think twice about it. I don't think it wold be nearly as cathartic as you might think.

August 30, 2010

It seems you're over the guilt now!

The OW/OM board can be a supporting place for the BS. But to enter in here under false bull$hit stories may not get you too far.

Ah. Nice. Well, I'm guessin' you won't struggle with hour conscience much longer. I'm not sure what you were after here Pollyanna; it seems you still have a lot of healing to do but leading people on may hold you back more than move you forward.

For what it's worth, yeh, you probably did really hurt her - job done well.

August 30, 2010

Ah. Nice. Well, I'm guessin' you won't struggle with hour conscience much longer. I'm not sure what you were after here Pollyanna; it seems you still have a lot of healing to do but leading people on may hold you back more than move you forward.

For what it's worth, yeh, you probably did really hurt her - job done well.

I couldn't get the link to work either FA. After seeing this post and Jamie's I did go back and read a few by Polly girl. This one from May where she started the thread and another asking how anyone could be an OW/OM and here she clearly says she was. Curious about what's in the link as it looks like there may have been some altercation with the OW.

[sIZE=5][COLOR=#990000]pollyanna22[/COLOR][/sIZE]

Established Member

Join Date: May 2010

Posts: 70

tx for your response, you are so right about the knight in shining armor thing, the woman he almost left with started with her tears of her cheating fiance...what he's doing? could be more, we do go to therapy, but he's stopped going on his own, he's still in the band, and he's still at the same place of work, I guess I just answered my own question. He says he'd never go through all this again, esp since I cheated on him too and he could'nt take it again, but he lied so well before, I don't want to be fooled again!

August 30, 2010

Hope this works. I tried to link to a single post. Here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2968648

August 30, 2010

Hope this works. I tried to link to a single post. Here it is:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2968648

Thank you, yes that one works now. I saw that post earlier and responded to it in the thread in which it was posted. Somewhat ahead of the time when I was accused of having lost my compassion oddly enough. (In yet another thread, but not relevant to this I suppose.. *sigh*)

In any case, I am not sure that Polly has come here under false pretenses. I think she may genuinely WANT to forgive the OW. I am just not sure if she is READY to forgive.

When she posted what appears to be a real JAB at the OW on the other thread, I saw more pain in her post than anything. I feel that the OW in that thread touched a nerve with Polly and Polly struck out in an effort to fight back against the pain she is still feeling.

There are many on this board that do just that, Polly is far from the first, will not be the last, and is far from the worst!!

She is simply surviving in the best way she knows how. She can not face striking out again at the OW in her real life. She is struggling with wanting to forgive. She knows that for her own healing she must reach a point of being able to let go of the anger she is carrying. But she need feel no real guilt about striking out against an OW here. She can send out a zinger and feel a moment of "HA! Take That!" without having done anything that she need to face her H with later.

I understand that desire.

Many OW do the same thing to BW. They can not strike out at the BW that is in their real life, so they strike out at the ones on the board.

Is it good? No. People still get hurt, and if you strike out, ineveitably someone will strike back, and eventually we all end up with bruises and bad feelings and even less willingness to at least TRY to see the other "side"s point of veiw for what it is... usually valid, at least for them.

But, it is a "safe" way of slapping down the person who has caused you (general you) pain, without having to actually confront that person. Kind of like a bitchslap-by-proxy.

Try not to judge too harshly... I think the intent is to heal, we all have set backs....

August 30, 2010

Thank you, yes that one works now. I saw that post earlier and responded to it in the thread in which it was posted. Somewhat ahead of the time when I was accused of having lost my compassion oddly enough. (In yet another thread, but not relevant to this I suppose.. *sigh*)

In any case, I am not sure that Polly has come here under false pretenses. I think she may genuinely WANT to forgive the OW. I am just not sure if she is READY to forgive.

When she posted what appears to be a real JAB at the OW on the other thread, I saw more pain in her post than anything. I feel that the OW in that thread touched a nerve with Polly and Polly struck out in an effort to fight back against the pain she is still feeling.

There are many on this board that do just that, Polly is far from the first, will not be the last, and is far from the worst!!

She is simply surviving in the best way she knows how. She can not face striking out again at the OW in her real life. She is struggling with wanting to forgive. She knows that for her own healing she must reach a point of being able to let go of the anger she is carrying. But she need feel no real guilt about striking out against an OW here. She can send out a zinger and feel a moment of "HA! Take That!" without having done anything that she need to face her H with later.

I understand that desire.

Many OW do the same thing to BW. They can not strike out at the BW that is in their real life, so they strike out at the ones on the board.

Is it good? No. People still get hurt, and if you strike out, ineveitably someone will strike back, and eventually we all end up with bruises and bad feelings and even less willingness to at least TRY to see the other "side"s point of veiw for what it is... usually valid, at least for them.

But, it is a "safe" way of slapping down the person who has caused you (general you) pain, without having to actually confront that person. Kind of like a bitchslap-by-proxy.

Try not to judge too harshly... I think the intent is to heal, we all have set backs....

I would agree if she hadn't spouted off about OW and then confirmed she was once an OW and now within a few days she's lashing out at OW and then showing her compassion to OW. Get a story and stick to it. I'm happy to show compassion to anyone who is in pain and genuinely looking for help but she's a little too all over the place to convince me she's genuine.

'Nuff said from me.

August 30, 2010

I see this now, FA; torn between wanting to forgive and wanting to attack. Went through those phases myself as xOW. Are you in IC Polly?

Thank you, yes that one works now. I saw that post earlier and responded to it in the thread in which it was posted. Somewhat ahead of the time when I was accused of having lost my compassion oddly enough. (In yet another thread, but not relevant to this I suppose.. *sigh*)

In any case, I am not sure that Polly has come here under false pretenses. I think she may genuinely WANT to forgive the OW. I am just not sure if she is READY to forgive.

When she posted what appears to be a real JAB at the OW on the other thread, I saw more pain in her post than anything. I feel that the OW in that thread touched a nerve with Polly and Polly struck out in an effort to fight back against the pain she is still feeling.

There are many on this board that do just that, Polly is far from the first, will not be the last, and is far from the worst!!

She is simply surviving in the best way she knows how. She can not face striking out again at the OW in her real life. She is struggling with wanting to forgive. She knows that for her own healing she must reach a point of being able to let go of the anger she is carrying. But she need feel no real guilt about striking out against an OW here. She can send out a zinger and feel a moment of "HA! Take That!" without having done anything that she need to face her H with later.

I understand that desire.

Many OW do the same thing to BW. They can not strike out at the BW that is in their real life, so they strike out at the ones on the board.

Is it good? No. People still get hurt, and if you strike out, ineveitably someone will strike back, and eventually we all end up with bruises and bad feelings and even less willingness to at least TRY to see the other "side"s point of veiw for what it is... usually valid, at least for them.

But, it is a "safe" way of slapping down the person who has caused you (general you) pain, without having to actually confront that person. Kind of like a bitchslap-by-proxy.

Try not to judge too harshly... I think the intent is to heal, we all have set backs....

August 30, 2010

I would agree if she hadn't spouted off about OW and then confirmed she was once an OW and now within a few days she's lashing out at OW and then showing her compassion to OW. Get a story and stick to it. I'm happy to show compassion to anyone who is in pain and genuinely looking for help but she's a little too all over the place to convince me she's genuine.

'Nuff said from me.

Having been an OW in your past would not necessarily mean that you wouldn't be angry and hurt like hell at finding yourself the BW. Likely her having a dual role makes it even harder for her to "pick a side" per se, and her struggle to heal even more complicated... IMO.

Edited August 30, 2010 by Fallen Angel

August 30, 2010

Somewhat ahead of the time when I was accused of having lost my compassion oddly enough. (In yet another thread, but not relevant to this I suppose.. *sigh*)

Just saying it the way it seems to me. And yes, as its completely not relevant why comment on it in this thread? Does it really bother you that much? That's a rhetorical question, by the way.

Although I'm not worried about being quoted out of context, I do feel its mighty two faced of you to do so given your own hang up about it.

August 30, 2010

Having been an OW in your past would not necessarily mean that you wouldn't be angry and hurt like hell at finding yourself the BW. Likely her having a dual role makes it even harder for her to "pick a side" per se, and her struggle to heal even more complicated... IMO.

I see what you're saying but to come in and be the BS, then later admit in passing you were also unfaithful, then make rude comments to your Hs OW about how great the sex was, then come on here in a matter of days and all of a sudden be all apologetic and understanding. Sorry it doesn't wash with me.

I was a BS and an OW so I'm well aware of the anger and healing but her dday was 2 years ago and I'd think that all of this flip flopping would have been better explained in the first 6 months or so. Not 2 years out. I know there's not a rule for healing times but this isn't pretty in my eyes.

August 30, 2010

It seems you're over the guilt now!

The OW/OM board can be a supporting place for the BS. But to enter in here under false bull$hit stories may not get you too far.

?? I'm confused...

August 30, 2010

I have a question for the OW/OM out there. I found out about my husbands affair...or should I say many affairs two years a go. The one in paticular that he was actually thinking of leaving for was the one that broke the camels back. I called this OW and completely chewed her up, thinking it was all her fault, being totally distraught that was my first reaction. After my husband and I decided to work it out he told me of other infidelity, so we can move on with honesty. I now know it was not her fault and for some reason I actually feel bad, she knew he was married, but I'm sure there were a lot of lies by him that made her think it was over with us. It's been two years an I still struggle but we are trying to make it work. part of me wants to tell this woman I know it was'nt her fault..probably for my own selfish reassons, I feel like If I told her that maybe I could let it go. What do you all think? If it was you would you want the wife to write you and tell you that? should I just let it go...probably right. please let me know. she probably could give a crap anyway...tell me what you think

If you want to call her and tell her for some sense of closure or need to move on, go ahead. Otherwise unless she thought that he was not married, she knew what she was doing.

Yes, your husband is the most to blame. but the only thing, IMO, that absolves her of her role in things is if he told her he was not married.

If she knew, whether he told her things were rosey with you or not, then she knew what she was doing and then it would be my advice to just leave it alone. You chewed her out. Big deal. If that was the worst she got from you, then she should just move on.

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should I just let it go?? I'm the wife

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