theresa303 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Hi everyone, I'm hoping you can give me some perspective on my situation: My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We have quite different personalities and a lot of times have a hard time communicating with each other. We tried working on it by seeing a MC. It was a good experience for me and helped me understand him better. Based on what he told me, he didn't get anything out of it and unfortunately thought it was a waste of time. So he won't go to MC anymore. That was about a year ago. The situation I find myself in now is that sometimes things are good for a few weeks, but whenever an argument comes up it gets totally blown out of proportion. To the point where I'm frequently told that if I don't like it I can leave. Needless to say that hurts. The thing we argue about most is his video gaming habit. When we met he played games on his XBOX360 for maybe an hour, sometimes two at night to wind down. And that was perfectly fine. Since then, he started playing a game on the computer that requires teaming up with other players to reach goals and complete quests. To be able to do that he needs more time at specific times/days of the week. So now (when I'm home) he plays for 4 hours three times a week and two hours the other nights. However, I travel a lot for work, usually about half a week every week. A while back I asked him to take one night a week off so we can spend some time together, just the two of us. After arguing about it for a few weeks he said he won't play Fridays. Though he now comes home from work early Fridays to work from home and plays during that time instead. If I end up traveling until late at night on a Friday, too bad for me. Of course during the days that I travel he plays nonstop. He doesn't even stop/pause for 5 or 10 minutes to talk to me on the phone when I call at night. I'm tired of trying to have a conversation with someone who's not paying attention or taking 30 seconds before answering. I tried talking to him about that numerous times but he just says he can't stop because he's in the middle of something with other people. It just makes me not want to not call anymore. Then about two weeks ago, he became the leader of his group of people in the video game. That means he spends even more time on the computer now and worst of all, they started to call him about things on top. So whenever he wasn't playing, he was taking calls to talk about the game. This really annoyed me and I asked him to talk about these things when he was playing instead. After another nasty argument he said he'd tell them to not call him anymore. It turned out on Friday that nothing has changed except he's lying to me about it. He pretended his boss was on the phone and somebody else from work later. To the point that even when it was REALLY obvious he still wouldn't admit it. I just don't get it. It's not like his affair's calling or anything, it's about a video game. If he lies about minor things like that, then what does he do with the hard things? I called him on it and he kept pretending that he's right. He flipped out when I didn't believe him and hasn't said another word to me since Friday. I didn't see him either, he spent the weekend in the basement. I know this might sound like the blame game and trust me I am by no means perfect but I'm just SO frustrated. How are you going to work on something when one person pretends that there is no problem? So far I have always been the one coming to him to talk after an argument. Every single time. But I really don't feel like doing that anymore. What's the benefit? He'll just lie to me again. I have another business trip coming up on Tuesday, and I'm sad to say that I'm really looking forward to it. Any advice?
willowthewisp Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 The first thing you need to do is tell your husband how serious the situation is, because although you have had arguments he may not fully realise the gravity of the problem. Now, I know that might sound a bit silly, but when people are in a marriage or a commited relationship and are having arguments, they may well beleive that the problems are being solved through compromise and with the security of commitment, the thought of divorce may not even cross their mind. It's good it's that way in a sense because if we had no security in marriage then we would all be constantly worrying that our partner will leave us unless everything is perfect. Sit down with him and tell him this is a very serious problem that is affecting your marriage and you are seriously considering leaving him. Tell him what you need in order for that not to happen and tell him how long you are willing to wait for him to decide if he is able to work on this with you. Make it VERY CLEAR that this is so serious you will leave him. Hopefully this will be enough to pull him out of his addiction?
spriggig Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 It's a mild addiction, but it is an addiction. My wife got hooked on Lord of the Rings Online and she also used that game to find a willing affair partner. She was a SAHM and she played almost non-stop for two years. In total she threw herself at three different men until she found one that "stuck". She DID get tired of the game near the end but stayed at it for the social aspect. She only quit when she was forced to, her computer died and she can't afford to replace it. This happened after she had already left the house.
Author theresa303 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Thank you guys. I'll try to talk to him tonight I guess. I really didn't want to be the one coming to him again, but it doesn't look like there are any options. I'm just afraid I will get to hear again that if I don't like it I can leave. I'm also not sure what it would take to "fix" this. Even if he'd be willing to work on it, how am I going to know if he's telling the truth in the future? How can I rebuild the trust? spriggig, I'm really sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, there's no chance that he'll stop playing that game. Not even if the computer broke. I'd give everything for him to go back to playing XBOX. I'll keep you posted.
hopesndreams Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I would seriously look into and investigate who he has a "connection" with playing the game.
You Go Girl Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 (edited) Well I can offer the Al-anon philosophy. Just like married to an alcoholic, or whatever addiction, the non-addictive partner needs to stop focusing on the addictive partner, and get their own life in order, therefore reducing codependency. I would read up on codependency and take note of the signs, and stop any behavior that was non-productive. You may have to wait this one out. Could it take years? yes, unfortunately, it could. You might consider living as if you are a gaming widow. Friday nights, make dates with friends and go out. Do things that maybe he might want to go along too in normal circumstances, but ooops, he can't because he has to game. He could start to feel a little torn between gaming and joining you if he sees that you are out and about and having a lot of fun. It might draw his attention away from himself, and he might even start to wonder if he is going to lose YOU! Instead of the other way around! So you build a life as a single person, minus the dating which would be infidelity. Join groups, clubs you have interests in. Take trips to visit relatives and friends. Do everything you would like to do if you were single, because you're a widow of sorts. google gaming widow. You'll be surprised how many are out there! Edited August 30, 2010 by You Go Girl
spriggig Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 spriggig, I'm really sorry this happened to you. Unfortunately, there's no chance that he'll stop playing that game. Not even if the computer broke. I guess that was the point I wanted to make, as long as he has the means, he'll play the game once addicted. And, that the social connection is what keeps him going, the game itself becomes repetitive and boring pretty quickly (I played myself for about four months). So, probably YGG has a good suggestion, try to draw him away from the game with more attractive social events. Another point about how serious this can get, I fought with my wife over this and threatened to delete her characters. While she didn't say it to me, she wrote in her journal the night of the fight that if I deleted her characters, "I would leave him, he wouldn't have to leave me!". Good luck.
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