Said all i could say, still holding on, but a hopeless situation

[realization]

This is going to sound like many other posts/break up on here, but I need to get over it in my own way. I have been with my current gf for over 2 years. In that time, we were always there for each other and things were great. We knew everything about each other, accepted all the flaws, and had the best time together.

 

About a year ago, we started having problems. We took some time, reconnected and it seemed all was well again. Now, it just seems that after all this time together, we've simply become sick of the relationship and have grown apart. In retrospect, I have not put forth my full effort in the past but have always still cared and done everything for her.

 

Now: In the past year, the roles have reversed and it is me now on the brink of this break up trying to do everything I can to salvage it and get over it together. She seems cold and distant, and just doesn't care anymore. I feel like i'm just here for her like a crutch to her insecurities and for the sake of routine, until she moves on. I'm the one with a more active social circle and group of friends. I don't look at her the same as when we first met, and vice versa. Lately, I have been out with some colleagues from work that are women and alot of hang outs that include friends of friends that are quite attractive. Things often are flirty and can easily happen when we are at a club together or for work functions, but I know better to be with someone I'm attracted to and just for fun, and instead try to work on her and I and get things to the way they were before where we were the best in each other's eyes.

 

I guess I have come to the conclusion that this time is the last time. We still talk on a daily basis, and there are days where we are ok, but for the most part it is just hanging on. It just sucks because there are always constant reminders of her, the good times we had together, and how great everything was at one point to have made plans. I still want to talk to her, but I know it is not healthy for me and need to stop. I'm at a stand still, wanting everything to be perfect but knowing i've tried my best and was willing to give her everything i had emotionally, and everything she wanted to the best of my abilities. It also hurts thinking that she will most likely move on quickly as she doesn't even seem fazed by all of this. I just wish she took time out for herself, re evaluate what i meant to her, if shes happier with or without me. If she moves on I would know I meant nothing to her and would never want to get back with her in the future. I was so comfortable with her, I showed all my emotions with her and in turn she took that as a sign of weakness. Never again will I be vulnerable and give her all of me and the possibility to be burned again.

 

I am contemplating just accepting the fact, going NC and live my life. I am just going to allow myself to go on dates again, not actively look for anything but just allow things to progress naturally. Its hard but i will try to forget about her, and no longer wonder what she is doing, if she is moved on already, or even care about her fb. I will let many of the what ifs* with a few women that i have repressed in the course of my relationship to happen and see where they go. I just had to get this off my chest. Any insight is much appreciated and would help me get over this. Thanks.

[mogul]

When you really cared for someone, going NC is the hardest but best thing you could possibly do. Hang in there.

[leftfield]

If there's one piece of advice I can give you from my own breakup, that is do something now, even if it does mean that you inadvertently put the wheels in motion to break up for good, at least you will have mentally prepared yourself for it and you will not simply prolong the difficulties you are having at the moment.

 

You saying you are doing everything you can to salvage it, but seriously, are you? I don't mean to sound harsh saying that, but what are you doing? Acting a certain way, or avoiding doing things that you know she finds irritating is not doing anything about it, honestly, it's not.

 

My ex started acting cold and distant from me in the last few months of our relationship and I tried to smooth over the cracks, but it doesn't work. The only thing you can do to truly have a chance at happiness is to have a serious conversation with her about the relationship and what she wants.

 

You do need to be careful how you approach this of course, it's well known that the "we need to talk" opener is like a match to tinder when relationships are having difficulties, but I would give my right arm to have the opportunity to go back and risk it rather than let my relationship fizzle out and die the way it did, while I was p***ing about with piecemeal offerings like putting the toilet seat down and wiping up crumbs or whatever it might be.

 

It sounds as though there are problems from both sides of the relationship, so you more than most should have the conversation where you both get to lay your cards on the table. Make sure you listen, without interruption, if she is finding it difficult to talk about it, help her along, but make sure she has a chance to really say what she needs to say, and you do the same.

 

If you are going to work things out then I don't see any other way, please trust that I'm talking from experience, many of the things that you think are salvaging a relationship are really not doing anything at all. You need to address the problems head on, and if they can't be fixed, then so be it.

 

This is only my opinion, of course, others might disagree, but I do see a similarity between your situation and my own a few months ago, so personally I would urge you to do something now before it runs its course and you lose the opportunity to do anything at all.

 

Good luck to you.

[stillafool]

I think if the two of you have only been together 2 years and have struggled to keep the relationship hanging on a thread; duh! - Why?

 

You have indicated that you are sick of the relationship and her actions tell you she is as well. You say you have sort of moved on socially. Why prolong the agony? Break up and start NC.

[realization]

Been going NC lately, honestly though, i'm not sure what to do if she were to call. I keep thinking that we can work it out, and another part of me is just telling me that shes not worth it and I can do better with someone who feels the same.

 

stillafool- Yes, its been over two years, but there are circumstances that make it so that two years is impressive. For the longest time, things were perfect and I guess certain things started to get annoying to each other and we drifted apart. I'm leaning towards moving on completely. However, I know that if she was to show the least bit of effort to make it work, we can have the best time again like before.

 

leftfield- When I say I try, I honestly mean it. I've tried to confront the problem but it only seems that is what is causing the tension. I've told her exactly whats on my mind, where i want this relationship headed, and what i'm willing to do to head towards that goal. The thing that bums me out is, the past few days she would still call me and act like everything is fine, then for some reason we would start arguing due to her being in a bad mood and me getting annoyed at her lack of interest.

[mogul]

I was given some good advice in a similar situation. You know you did the best you can and really tried to make it work. Give it time, move on, and maybe one day soon she'll realize how vital you were to her life and she'll miss you and come back if its meant to be. At that point, its a matter of whether you want her back. Good Luck.