Break up over freedom but she wants me to be her best friend

February 19, 2004

WoW ,what a situation I am in.

Part 1

I have been going out with this girl for 2 years and 11 months to date. She is 20 Years of age and I am 21.

Last week she decided it is time for her to get her freedom, meaning no more relationship. I took it really badly initially and was very emotionally deprerssed. I could not eat, study and train. So I wanted clarification on this "freedom break up" so I saw her at her place and she was so nice to me, kissing me and hugging me. Now I am confussed.

So I asked her if there was any hope of us getting back together and she said she cannot read into the future.

I asked her if she trully love me, and she said yes.

Now the big question from me to her was "Can we sleep with other people?" and she said YES.

I was shocked and really upset.

Part 2

She won movie tickets for last night, I was not keen on going but I got my mind right and knew I had to play the same game she is playing but better. So I told her I would go in my car and meet her there. Therefore no us. I was intentially 10 mins late because I am so busy. When she saw me she wanted to kiss and hug me, I pusshed her away and said "Hi". I bpought my own popcorn and she got her own. Normally I get us both. Funny enough there were 3 good looking girls that I knew standing around us. I started talking o them for 5 minutes. While my EX was standing next to me. when we sat down in our seats there was this lady next to me who started talking to me and asked how I got tickets. I told her my friend won them. My girlfriend heard all of this and I think she realised that I am getting over her. She tried to hold me during the movie and I just pushed her away. But they were all subtle hints.

Part 3

After the movie she told me she loved me, numerous times. I did not reply with my typical I love u to statement. I just said I know u do. She invited me to come over to her place but i declined, then she said this is not how best friends act towards each other. The I said which friends do u know that kiss each other!

I told her I had to leave because I had to go to a party at a club. She was asking y she was not invited and I said that someone invited me. I did not tell her who because there was no party to go to.

Then I asked her the big question HOW DO U FEEL ABOUT US SLEEPING WITH OTHER PEOPLE? Now she says she only wants us to kiss other people.

WHAT A TURN AROUND!

Do u think she will come back to me if I continue to play hard to get?

I do not know if I would take her back because she really hurt me.

February 19, 2004

To answer your question, yes, you probably could manipulate her into getting back with you in the short-term.

But is that what you really want, a relationship based on manipulation?

I think what you have to get at first (before you start playing games) is to figure out how much interest is left on her part. It's good that you've at least got her attention - maybe this is where you can both sit down and talk about the issues that are affecting your relationship. If you're crowding her too much then you can give her space, as you're doing now. If it's more complicated then that, I don't know what you can do to save the relationship.

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to play games just to get a girl back. Once the flame burns out, it's hard to turn on again. She may jump back into the relationship only to regain her composure or get reacquainted with whatever it was she didn't like about the relationship in the first place, and she'll jump out yet again.

February 19, 2004

The typical situation......Alright so far the way I see it is, she wants to move on, but she doesn't want to be alone. Sounds like you are a temp thing till she finds someone new. Question is.....Do you want this situation? I think if she has no on at this time, you will be her emotional and affectionate connection.

She more or less wants to cruise for another relationship and tag you along till she has succeeded, more than likely after that she will say "I don't think we should be friends anymore". Not to mention if your still stuck on her, how are you going to feel when she finds someone? Your doing a good job so far, with pulling the emotional away from it.

All I can say is good luck and if you want her back I hope it works out well.

February 19, 2004

WHat both of you have said is very true and I need to talk to her after we suffer awhile. BUt yes she is try to use me for emotional and affectionate support. I do not want to manipulate her but I want her to know what we have and get it back.

But if it does not turn out that way I will just walk away.

She called today and I ignored her call i will pick up next time. I can get really hurt by playing this game so I have to be carefull.

February 19, 2004

Quit playing these damn head games. She's confused and she's trying to contact you. By you pushing her away you will eventually do the opposite of what you want to happen. Instead of playing this cat & mouse game how about sitting down & having a heart to heart talk with her about how you both feel. You need communication.

If she hasn't lived on her own, etc.. Then I doubt she'll stay for the long term. Just about every woman I know needs a time where she lives on her own and to feel her independence. There's not much you can do about that. If you get caught up in this game which you are starting to, you'll slowly get hurt more & more. Just read about the other 10,000 posts on here regarding situations like yours.

You need to find out why she's doing this, and try to deal with the underlying problem. That's the only way to get any resolve out of this.

February 19, 2004

All valid points and yes these games should end.

Could I be scared that she will go out with someone else? Yes

I am starting to have to much pride.

WOW, I want all of this to end and I just want things to be the way they used to be.

I asked her "does she see me in her future"? She said that she could not awnser that because it could trap her. And that is true it could but it gives me hope.

February 20, 2004

Wow,

I went through nearly -exactly- the same thing you did starting 5 months ago. The only difference is that I'm about 10 years older and was about to start shopping for an engagement ring.

Best friends my ass. I heard the same thing too Would you ever intentionally hurt YOUR best friend? That is what she is doing now with the continued contact.

Let me ask you a question: If someone truly loved you, would they want to sleep with other people? Would they even say it is OK if you did? Would they want to see other people? Would they "want their freedom"? NO!!! They would want to share everything with you and see you all the time. It is one thing to spend a week or two away from each other and be "free" in that sense (i.e. the good kind of space, hearts growing fonder, etc...), it is another to end the relationship and at the same time tell you that if you wait around long enough, you may get another shot. Let me guess: she didn't say how long she needed to be away. When I need to go away for alone time, I tell the people that care about me how long I will be away. Because I care about them.

She is stringing you along, by doing as little as necessary to keep some little bit of hope alive. She may feel guilty about kicking you to the curb, so she tries to maintain contact. Ultimately what she is doing is selfish. NO ONE who has REAL LOVE for you would ever dare put you in that kind of situation. They would never dare to hurt you like that. Whatever the problem is, you work it out within the context of the relationship. That is real love.

You do not need to contact her. You need to STOP contacting her and continue getting over her. As in you do not return calls or e-mails. It does not matter if that hurts her feelings, since she has already made it clear that your own feelings are not important to her. You will know (and feel) when it is over. Until then you YOURSELF, will not be in the proper frame of mind to figure out what you want and need, and are able to determine whether she is the sort of person that can give that to you. You have spent all your emotional energy worrying about her, and what she is doing. Until you take the time to get yourself back to normal, you cannot make a good decision about a serious relationship.

let me ask you a question: If she wanted to get back with you, wouldn't she say it? It's not hard. You can even say it on the answering machine (big hint there if you get my drift). It's easier than saying "I love you". But she hasn't said it, has she?

February 20, 2004

Very true Dixiecron

I am still young and good looking so I should just move on and she can suffer. She has this idea that the grass is greener on the other side. Well that is never true and relationships are what u make them out to be.

Last night she told me the same story again about being friends and I told her that she is being selfish and then hung up the phone. I feel really bad about it because I never hang up on someone. But the truth is she is being selfish.

Should I see her today and play this game of being friends but I will still ignore her?

February 21, 2004

You're not playing games, you are taking care of yourself. Stop making an effort to see/contact her. If you have mutual friends, then OK, because you can't let her get all the friends too, but otherwise just hang out with your own REAL FRIENDS.

Don't worry about revenge or making her suffer. Karma will take care of that for you. Just do your own thing and get back to an even keel.

February 21, 2004

WOW, I miss her so much.

I spent yesterday with her, I t was ok but of course the issue of us being apart came up again. She said that she has made up her mind and we will just be firends.

I want her to get out of my mind and heart so badly, obviously i am not in hers.

What a mess this is just because I fell in love with someone!!

February 21, 2004

Stupid question

WILL SHE COME BACK TO ME?

February 21, 2004

Hi Wow,

I can't predict your future and there's always a comfort to us when we're given hope. Hoping that maybe our ex-lover will return. But sometimes that "hope" might keep us from moving on and experiencing new relationships that might benefit us greater in the long run.

It doesn't mean that you have to stop loving your ex and keeping a special place for her in your heart and treasuring the good times, but it does mean coming to an acceptance. Accepting the fact that that the relationship is over. It's kindof like when someone you love dies. We go through all the stages: denial, shock, anger, depression, then acceptance.

I frequent another B.B. and there's a post that sticks out. This woman broke up with her ex and now she is in a new relationship. But she constantly dwells on her ex. She loves and misses him so much. She even acknowledges that she has made a huge mistake. The reason why she left? She wanted time and space and "experience" life. Well, obviously her ex moved on with his new life (he is in a relationship) and she is devastated.

Sometimes people take advantage of the person they're with, to only realize when they lose them (break-up), how wonderful they truly are. I know the "grass is greener" statement is so cliched. But it carries a lot of truth to it. And once they cross over to see if the grass is greener, they realize that no 'relationship' is perfect and they all take work.

Anyways, for now, since your ex has told you she doesn't want a relationship, you need to move on. It doesn't mean you can't care or love her, it means that you live life to achieve your own happiness/goals. And if it was meant to be (the two of you together) I believe life has an amazing way of making that happen.

February 22, 2004

Will she come back to you? Maybe. But here's what you need to think. NO. She will NOT. That will allow you to move on with your life and begin to get your act back together. Because if you DO think she's coming back, you will be tormented night and day with these questions:

"When is she coming back? Will she leave me again? What is she doing right now?"

When there is no hope, there are no questions.

February 22, 2004

Wow,

You've got a catch-22 here. If she does come back, it happens -after- you're over her. Either way, the only thing you can do yourself is to get over her. That won't happen if you're seeing her all the time.

February 23, 2004

She keeps on calling and sugests things that we should do.

She called this morning asking if i wanted to come over, I declined and said I am busy. Then 20 mins later she called again and asked if she could come over. I said no.

I wanted to see her but I am trying to get over her.

Stuff this friend stuff she is trying to do. Or does she want me back, from what she has told me NO!

When will she realize what we had?

February 23, 2004

This is what you should say, or at least what I would honestly say in your position.

"Listen, I know that you want to be my friend, but we were in a relationship, and you broke that relationship off. It's not as simple as changing your place in my heart from lover to friend, not for me at least. I'm still in love with you, I think, but I'm not blind to the fact that the feeling is not mutual. Ergo, it brings me pain to be with you, but not WITH you. I don't want to be your platonic friend, I can't do that with the feelings I have, and the recovery over the connections severed. At this point, you need to stop contacting me. Any further attempt to try to have a relationship is selfish on your part, because you're neglecting my need for emotional healing. If I'm able to get my life together and work out what needs to be worked out en solitaire, I will contact you if you would still like to be friendly with me."

February 23, 2004

I saw the lady today at her place to give her the repair bill of something she damaged of mine.

I told her that she should stop calling and leave me alone for 2 weeks so that i can heal and fall out of love with her.

I FELT so much closure after that!

I have to let go and have no hope

March 2, 2004

I recieved a text message from the ex saying "I just thought I should let you know that i love u. I really loveyou"

No what da f does that mean?

I did not reply because I having trying to keep military silence.

April 5, 2005

This story is going to make you laugh and cry. Well as you know we broke up last year this time. Well it has happened again after having another great year together. Lets get to the crux, we celebrated our 4 year anniversary last week and spent 2 weeks house sitting her parents home very nice, but not. I got no form of affection or any intrest towards me. I tried to find out and she said i am making an issue out of nothing.

Well we broke up last week because she wants freedom and her feeling for me have changed to love me like a friend.

Do i want her back NO but a little yes. She says that ever since she has moved to a new campus her perspective on life has changed. So no place for me but only as a friend. She is 22 now and me 23. We have invested 4 years together and I do love her. I am currently having no contact, and will do so for another 2 weeks.

I was really sore when this happened last year but this time I feel alot better and not as sore but the pain is still there. Will she come back again like last time and should i make an effort because this time i have just let her go.

But I love her and miss the comfort zone.

PS everyone smile because we all deserve the best.

April 5, 2005

should i find out if she has met someone or if she did some stuff with someone?

April 5, 2005

Hey, Wow, I'm sorry to hear that you broke up again.

I guess NC includes not knowing what she's doing in her life right now

In any case, how would you find out about her? Ask a mutual friend and it is likely to get back to her...

April 5, 2005

If she hasn't lived on her own, etc.. Then I doubt she'll stay for the long term. Just about every woman I know needs a time where she lives on her own and to feel her independence. There's not much you can do about that

.

So true, same thing happened with my ex and I about a month ago. She needed to find herself, experience the college life. I know its not another guy or anything like that, just women at that age need to be alone for awhile and be on their own. I saw one of her friends at the bar last Friday and he told me she still loves me and talks about me all the time. We have talked a few times on the phone since then, but we both make it a point to not call each other all the time. I talked to her a week ago, we talked, flirted, caught up on things. She still won't send my apartment key back.... after I have asked for it 3 times. I asked her on the phone and she said she didn't want to pay 2 dollars for postage.... (this is coming from the same girl who used to buy me 50 dollar games and a 400 dollar computer monitor). Anyone have any thoughts on that?

All you can do is give her time to figure things out on her own. "Don't crowd the monkey and you'll get a better show." I am 21, she about to be 20 in a few days. NC, just don't bother with her for awhile, because if you do she feels like she can use you as a crutch and it will take her longer to realize the error of her ways and also it will take longer for her to realize what its like to have this "freedom" she is talking about. If you keep in close contact with her, talking to her all the time, it will likely end up pushing her away. Don't be strung along and don't let her play head games with you. Use this time alone to get your head out of your ass focus on other things to keep you occupied. School, work out, spend time with friends, whatever...

Also someone said she won't come back to you until you are -over her-. True, if she feels like she can come back at any time then she won't. If that makes any sense. People want what they can't have. Just next time she calls tell her you were on your way out the door, etc.

Hope this helped

Ty

April 5, 2005

I will just ask her but, only when i get back in 2 weeks time from SPAIN AND Portugal. Her step dad called today to see if i am okay and that i should focus on my trip. He suggest I talk to her when i get back and see then. He says she cried the whole weekend so we will see when i get back.

April 5, 2005

her brother and i are friends and have a good relationship. He has just informed me that she is serious. So there it is over and hopefully wont be my last post. LOVE ALL YOU

Funny how we express the way we feel on this forum. Are we all desperate, lonely people that think our current partners are our world and that there is no one else available. I am sure there is somebody on this forum that would love to be with me and I with her.

Why waste time and energy about someone who does not care?

Are we all crazy? No just people making an effort to make our relationships better. If you are posting here what is your partner doing, dont they care?

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Break up over freedom but she wants me to be her best friend

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