TheOddOneOut Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Hi, I'm new here. I am struggling today trying to understand how things happened in a recent falling out with a group of people I would have described as very close friends over what seemed to me at a petty misunderstanding between one of them and my husband. We had a real time chat room we used to stay connected...while we visited with one another in real life, some of us lived far apart and so we used our "online living room" as a place to leave up all the time and talk to one another. It was a place where we identified as "misfits" and over a long time (5-6 years) we bonded and felt close. I actually *met* my husband there...we started talking and met in real life and ended up falling in love and being married. People came and went, but there was a "core group" that was there from the start, and I was part of that group. There have been a few "tiffs" over the years, and I always took the side of "we are all human, and we all have faults, so we should be forgiving and get past stuff." Over the years I saw one guy as kind of an instigator, and the last time we had an issue he and I "got into it" and he said hateful things to me and about me and my husband, and told me he had a idea of what the place should be and he would do what he had to do to keep it that way and that included goading people so they would not feel welcome and leave. This admission was in a private conversation. I was upset but I just stopped engaging with him, and I didn't go around sharing his admission, figuring that people would figure it out on their own and I wouldn't partake in mudflinging. This was about 18 mos ago. One member was someone I considered a really good friend. She actually knew my husband before she knew me, and from the day we met we connected. She lived close by and was really one of the reasons I chose to move here when I did, because I am not a person who makes friends easy and having a real live friend nearby was going to be awesome. So in the past 4 years we had socialized with a lot, spent holidays together, etc. A couple of years ago, she got mad at my husband over a disagreement (basically, they disagreed about how a third party handled something) over a year ago, she started seeing malice in everything he did. I felt the "chill" and tried to mediate between them...basically my husband was in denial over what he saw as a "non-issue" and she avoided the subject because she avoids conflict. He couldn't believe she was actually mad at him for an argument of something inconsequential, especially when they saw each other and he helped her move, etc. I also admit that while I thought of her as a good friend, I too thought the argument was petty, and was inclined to think that she was being overly dramatic, especially considering that he had done a lot of things for her: helped her move, fixed her car, etc. I also saw her friendship with another person I didn't know that well end, and based on what I knew it seemed like she was being petty, and that affected how I felt about her friendship. The last few months, things seemed to be OK with her being sick and having some surgery, and my husband and her seemed to get along. We went over her house twice while she was recovering, once bringing dinner and once invited to a small get together. Then a week ago, they clashed. They were both wrong. She actually started it, he reacted, she over reacted back and he did as well. It was mostly petty again (arguing about an online "game" at a site). Laterthat night he admitted he over reacted to her and apologized: she refused to accept and told him they were no longer friends. I asked her to talk to me, and she said she was too upset and we would talk later. 2 days later I woke up to an "Open Letter" from the group, written and posted by the guy who I no longer liked. It said my husband was "banned" from out little chat home and that while I wasn't "banned" per se, that everyone would be "uncomfortable" with him "reading over my shoulder" So, basically, several people in the "core" group got together and decided we were no longer welcome, and took what should have been between this person and my husband and made it a "whole group" decision, and threw me out with the bathwater. I am still stunned. There was a lot of back and forth and it was all led by the guy who I stopped getting along with, and it was really ugly. I do not make friends easily and often lose friendships when I do make them, I thought this place was special, that we were there for each other. It seems that how she feels trumps ditching me as a friend, and I am so hurt and sad its hard to deal with, even today. That chat was always there, it was always a place to talk and connect. Its now gone and the hole is huge.
FeedingOnFever Posted September 9, 2010 Posted September 9, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear that. I'm in college and I always thought that high school level drama would get left behind in high school, but I guess this goes to show that no one is exempt from this kind of thing, no matter when or where. It's a real shame that this has happened, but as much as I hate to say it, I think it's time to move on. Real friends would have handled this differently. If there are still people on that chat room that you believe would stand by you and your husband, that's great. Maybe you can send out messages and say that you regret everything that's happened but hope to still maintain contact and friendliness with those who may not agree with the banning. Hopefully there are some people who do not approve of this decision and will want to keep in touch outside the main chat. If not, it sounds like these people were either bullied into believing what your (former, I suppose?) friend and that guy have said, and are too nonconfromtational to stick up for you and your husband. It's a real crying shame, something I'm going through right now too. In my mind, the people who matter will deal with things head on, and will talk to you and your husband directly about any issues they might have. If not, they can forever hold their tongues, and they'll have lost good friends. It's never easy when friendships fall to the wayside. I too have lost many over the years, more than I care to remember. It's not the easiest thing to make new friends and connections, but it can be done. Sometimes it's best to move on if your attempts to keep the peace and reach out are rebuffed, time and time again. Best of luck to you and your husband, keep me posted.
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