Author morea7 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 difficult to reset the relationship after 10 years of this... and to be honest I don't really know if I want to! Sometimes she's just such a selfish cow I want to scream... I hope your situation improves. As per me, I will try to follow some advices here. I see that there is a fine line between things going fine and getting frustrated after repeated efforts go in vain....The more we get frustrated, the more it creates further issues...and the more W gets into her defense mechanism, ..etc... If you'd like, we could exchange notes about our efforts -- so that each one of us does not feel alone (which can lead to more frustration) in the situation as we can discuss and rant and have some kind of mental outlet and lets see if situation improves over time... If anyone else wants to join in they are welcome... And Ladies please keep the advices and tips coming -- its been very helpful to know their perspective and experiences (especially from an objective point of view)..
Author morea7 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 One thing that wasn't clear in the post was how you would describe your current attempts at increasing her interest. I know you mentioned that you help around the house, but I assume this was not related to the sex issue, but just the overall relationship. Don't want to assume you haven't tried, but the post wasn't clear. My personal situation is almost the opposite. My wife is very upset that three to four times a week is enough for me, but I've assumed it was due to her insecurities. Still, you should probably accept that whatever tact you take will take time. And, if its worth it, you'll likely have to stretch your creativity to find what works. Some would ridicule - but hey, it works for me. Never once had to ask for sex. There is no recipe that works for all people, so most people just don't really stretch themselves or they tell themselves they shouldn't have to try. When I'm in the mood, I start as soon as I get home from work, or if she is not working, I like to call her during the day to let her know I'm thinking about her (but let her know I can't tell her how because people might overhear.) When I know she'll be home alone, I might call her and warn her that there are some hidden messages in her china that she wouldn't want the kids to read. In between the plates, I'll insert coupons good for sensous massages, bubble baths, etc. During the evening, does she respond when you whisper in her ear? As the evening progresses, whispering and compliments turn to touching? Are there areas she is particularly sensitive? My wife has a birthmark on her neck. It drives her crazy when I go after it while I'm cooking. Some nights, I'll just give a massage and then just kiss her and tell her goodnight. My wife responds to the captured glance, where I look at her meaningfully during dinner as though I'm implying more. More importantly, if she expreses that she's feeling used, you can let her know that sex is off the table for a while, then focus on driving her crazy under the blanket some nights while you watch television. Ultimately, if she senses that the focus is more her than you, it might work. Lastly, does she respond better when you come off as self-confident as opposed to begging? My wife said it drives her crazy when I sometimes introduce a little conflict. Or after following her into the restaraunt because I enjoy the view, then telling her that I'll let her follow behind on the way out (she likes my butt). But its always possible that the issue is medical, and if so, at least you tried. I must say you are one lucky person and have good tricks up your sleeve ! I wonder that the fact you can so easily woo your W based on your needs -- could it be because you are not under any pressure to "get" it because it seems your W already is proactive in bed.. I guess my situation is that when I try to make efforts, I try to look for immediate results (its like a hungry person won't wait for food as soon as he sees any prospects of food) and that probably back fires... Whatever it is, your tips have been helpful in making me think somewhat objectively....
Author morea7 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Actually, to my mind, you have several options: She could go to the doctor to evaluate her health, hormone levels and general lifestyle. After that, if nothing inherently significant comes back, you should both seriously consider Psychosexual Counselling. A very good organisation called Marriage Care will help you, or seek a referral through your doctor. Remember that Psychosexual Counselling is not a way to play a Blame Game. You have a problem within the marriage. Providing you both recognise that, and both want to work on that, then, psychosexual counselling will help fathom the cause, not focus on the symptoms. If none of the above seems feasible, you then have further sub-options: Cheat, with a willing FwB; Divorce; (Trust me, kids are resilient, and do survive, it happens a lot....) Find a sexual partner with your wife's agreement, consent and tacit understanding that this is never referred to, discussed or alluded to. This is your release, it's not an emotional involvement and should it become one, you stop and end it immediately, Or finally - get used to it, and get over it. Roughly 50% of women go off sex at some point in their lives, it happens and the reasons are legion, but the fundamental fact is the same, They go off it, their men go without. The way round it is to understand that this isn't about fault, resentment, animosity or hostility. It's a dynamic, it happens and it's the way it is. Go to it, pick an option....... Oh and by the way: You may get a member on here (fowler) who will make a flaming troll post about no woman liking sex and it's completely natural and he won't know why you're surprised. Leave him be and ignore him, he's just bitter and somewhat resentful, but it's purely personal..... Thanks for the article you posted ! Its interesting to see the whole perspective...
Author morea7 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 I'm of the opinion that when sex is missing from a marriage, more than likely something is missing in the intimacy dept. I'm talking about really knowing each other, really being close emotionally. I think women go off sex (and they do quite often, and without a replacement of any kind) that they don't feel emotionally close to their H's. Women's libido is often lower than a man's, particularly when their focus is raising children. But women have been wooed since the dawn of time I'm sure...and their interest is there when they feel very close and truly loved by their man. Kind of like the saying that men are always ready, women need to be warmed up...well that warming up for a woman starts in her heart. I don't mean buy flowers. I mean take the effort to really be emotionally close to her. Thanks for the thoughts. Apart from other things, I particularly take note of "I don't mean buy flowers".... This is something which I can't come to terms with somehow because it feels somewhat artificial to me. Thanks to let me know as a woman (I guess you are a woman) that buying flowers is not the only option for making a woman happy and there could be other options too...
Author morea7 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Good that progress is being made, and you're doing things for her, but make sure you're getting your needs met also, because it seems as if you're putting in a lot of work and no playtime. Playtime !! I wish I had control on that (and had immediate solutions for playtime) in my current situation that I have been talking about...
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