chalkfarm Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 It seems that most A end with a D-day and the M heads toward reconciliation and potential recovery. What about those A where there was real love (yes, genuine love to all you naysayers), a breaking apart of the APs due to circumstances but no D-day?
crazycatlady Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I am not sure what you are asking. I don't understand if there is real love on the part of the APs and not in the marriage, why on earth would you try to recover? The only reason to recover would be if there is also love in the marriage as well. Some here believe you can not recover without the truth coming out. I think its hard without the truth coming out, but I think marriages do go on after affairs have ended without there being a dday for whatever reason when there is love in the marriage.
jj33 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Chalk I dont know your story or the details but its all subjective. Reconciliation is not a fixed term. It can mean a desire not to put the marriage at risk and it doesnt necessarily mean the spouses are getting along any better. It could be a realization that finances, relationships with family etc are in jeopardy if the A goes any further. Its not unusual for people to stop just short of leaving because the reality of what leaving means finally hits them. BSs will say no if he loved you he would leave but many people feel its not that simple for them. They may love the AP but they dont want to uproot their lives for anyone. Many marriages are comfortable. There may not be sex, there may not be affection but the 2 people get on with their lives, sometimes independently and the broader life (outside of the 2 of them) is not something that they want to change. And that is part of what it means to be married. Its not all romance and hot sex. And it is a big decision to divorce and keeping the status quo is easier and more desirable if hte person is not unhappy. Happiness is relatiive. Someone has to be VERY unhappy to divorce, but not as unhappy with their overall situation to have an A. Enter the cake eater... Some cake eaters fall in love. The fact of reconciliation is not a reflection on what hte AP shared with the WS. And you dont know what reconciliation means. Sometimes it means that the couple falls in love again, other times it means they fight less. And other times it means the WS has simply reframed his or her view of hte marriage,
Diamante Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I ended a very intense EA (that almost turned PA) with a MOM about 3 months ago. It was definitely real love, we were both blown away by the intensity and how much we just loved to talk and look into each others eyes. We could read each others mind, magic was always in the air when together, and we could finish each others sentences. Our connection was unbelievable! He is LT married w/ kids, I am LT engaged/common law. There was no D-day, I ended things when I looked down the road and saw the hurt we would be causing several innocent people (my F, his W and kids etc). He wasn't happy about it but he understood. My F had no idea, but ultimately, I ended things for him and our future. I love my F, he is wonderful, but I just happened to find some of the important qualities my F doesn't have with another man. BIG mistake! Over the past 3 months, I have worked hard to open the communication with my F to understand what I was missing to make me consider straying (for the first time in my life). He has been very responsive and honestly, things have been great! Open communication without judgment has been key for us; we now discuss our needs more openly. As for my xMOM, he feels the same love for me and he tells me via the occasional email. He is trying very hard to respect my wishes for NC, but I know it's hard for him. I don't respond to his emails and I think he uses them as an outlet to express his feelings. He seems to have no one else to talk to. In his last email, he told me that after more than decade of marriage, he is concerned about "living a lie" for the sake of the kids. He is scared than when the kids leave home in a few years, there will be nothing left between him and his W. He is not in love with her, apparently, but then again, what the hell do I really know??? For me, I try not to think abut it anymore b/c his dilemma is not my issue. I still love him in my own special way, I always will, but I love my F and my sanity a lot more. I made the right choice, even though it was one of the hardest decisions of my life.... That's my story anyway, for whatever it's worth. Regardless, I hope you are well, OP, and find the peace and love you deserve. Dia
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I would think reconciliation would be basically the same, perhaps with less anger involved since the affair was never found out.
NancyBotwin Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Interesting cause the only As that I know of that ended without a dday were ended by the OW/OM who did as Diamante did. Looked ahead and avoided pain for someone including themselves. Most WS won't end either relationship without a push. Of all the stories I've read her and in other forums there's been just one other and it was a man who went to his W because he couldn't handle the guilt. No for all of the forums and reading I've done over the last 10 years I've never heard those terms used around As. Come on now. Not everyone that has affairs seeks support. Very few do, I'd bet. A friend sent me the link to this site. I was shocked there was support here. Shocked there would be such demand. If there were such demand for WS support, why aren't forums for them easier to find? Because most WS don't need it. When they become inconvenienced, they move on to the next willing participant.
strawberrysprinkles Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'm sorry. I hardly ever post but this thread made me giggle. The offending post has been removed but everyone has quoted it. Hit it and quit it? That's youngster slang for a hookup! Sorry, it just cracked me up.
Summer Breeze Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Come on now. Not everyone that has affairs seeks support. Very few do, I'd bet. A friend sent me the link to this site. I was shocked there was support here. Shocked there would be such demand. If there were such demand for WS support, why aren't forums for them easier to find? Because most WS don't need it. When they become inconvenienced, they move on to the next willing participant. No idea what you're talking about but I was talking about BS on here who have spoken about the end of the A, either by a DDay or by the WS admitting it freely with no DDay. I never said anything about WS saying it. In all fairness you'll find most WS don't go to the NEXT participant, they go back to the same OP. If the OP is better at holding boundaries than the BS is then they may be forced to go to the next, if they are after nothing but an A.
jj33 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Nancy thats totally untrue. There is loads of research about how people who stay married wonder about the AP for years after. I think many of them dont post because they dont want their stories on a public forum. The fact that someone doesnt post doesnt mean that they arent lurking, arent hurting or arent in IC. Apologies for tj
NancyBotwin Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 jj, We are going to have to agree to disagree. If the demand for support for the WS was so great, that demand would be met. There's a reason the demand is not great. Most WS don't need it. Again, there's a reason for that.
jj33 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Men dont ask for directions either, but it doesnt mean they dont need them. Yes we will have to agree to disagree.
Summer Breeze Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Men dont ask for directions either, but it doesnt mean they dont need them. Yes we will have to agree to disagree. And I'll agree with you jj33. My exH would have been one of them but I knew it deep in my heart and it wasn't something I could live with so we were over.
Owl Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 It seems that most A end with a D-day and the M heads toward reconciliation and potential recovery. What about those A where there was real love (yes, genuine love to all you naysayers), a breaking apart of the APs due to circumstances but no D-day? To get back on subject, I'd suggest that it really would depend on the MM/MW at that point. If, once they grieved the loss of the affair and went through the "withdrawl" of that, they chose to recommit to their marriage relationship...then there would be a chance at marital recovery. Especially if NC between affair partners was maintained. If they never choose to recommit to the marriage...then of course recovery becomes problematical at best. IMO...and this is just my opinion...the "odds" of successful recovery are HIGHER if there's a d-day, than if the truth is never brought out.
silktricks Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Nancy thats totally untrue. There is loads of research about how people who stay married wonder about the AP for years after. I think many of them dont post because they dont want their stories on a public forum. The fact that someone doesnt post doesnt mean that they arent lurking, arent hurting or arent in IC. Apologies for tj I'm not saying you are wrong (or right), but loads of research???? Where? By whom? Please PM me, as I'm curious about this (and this thread has been jacked enough ) Thanks. Silk
silktricks Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 To respond to the original question - I think that even without a D-Day, the marriage can be fixed, but that puts a lot more on the shoulders of the WS. When there is a D-Day, then both people know there is a fundamental problem in the marriage. Both can work on it (or choose not to and divorce). When only one person knows, then either only one person can work on it, or it is in the hands of the WS to convince the BS to work on the issues without exposing the affair. Difficult to do, IMO.
Grace2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 As someone who is the OW and who is living this exact situation, I can chime in and say that I wonder if it's harder because there isn't a DDay. We both decided to end it before there was a DDay (after a year-long PA and many years of friendship), and because he wasn't able to leave his marriage without feeling absolutely confident that he wouldn't look back and wonder if he gave it his all, it had to be done. So he's gone back, we have LC (as limited as we can keep it as there are social circles that would notice if we were completely NC), and he's recommitting. It is unbelievably hard, and we have both cried many nights away. Our moment of 'goodbye' was ridiculously emotional...he wasn't DYING, but it WAS the ending of what was an incredible connection and a very intense love. I still love him. He is trying to fall back in love with his wife (after years of emotional abuse and 'checking out' a LONG time ago). I am not waiting for him, and am using this time to work on myself, be stronger and better, love myself. I accept that he loves me, and loves her, but because of their history this is what he HAS to do. A DDay did not force us to end this, we chose to. He needs to do what he needs to do if there is ever going to be a chance at us. And I need to let him go completely, expecting nothing, and let him do his work. Not having a DDay forced us to form our own boundaries, and they would have been (and STILL would be) so easy to let slip. It's so hard to NOT slip, which is why I'm here...but I don't have doubts that, for once, we are doing the right thing. Should his wife know? We wrestled with that, and I hope we made the right decision to not add pain to what is already a broken marriage. As I said, there are many other issues at work here, not the slightest being that we travel in some of the same circles. Selfishly, to be found out would lead to a social media outcasting akin to The Scarlet Letter, circa 2010. But also, and simply, I don't want to hurt her. I know, ridiculous coming from an OW. But...it's true.
Snowflower Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 As someone who is the OW and who is living this exact situation, I can chime in and say that I wonder if it's harder because there isn't a DDay. We both decided to end it before there was a DDay (after a year-long PA and many years of friendship), and because he wasn't able to leave his marriage without feeling absolutely confident that he wouldn't look back and wonder if he gave it his all, it had to be done. So he's gone back, we have LC (as limited as we can keep it as there are social circles that would notice if we were completely NC), and he's recommitting. It is unbelievably hard, and we have both cried many nights away. Our moment of 'goodbye' was ridiculously emotional...he wasn't DYING, but it WAS the ending of what was an incredible connection and a very intense love. I still love him. He is trying to fall back in love with his wife (after years of emotional abuse and 'checking out' a LONG time ago). I am not waiting for him, and am using this time to work on myself, be stronger and better, love myself. I accept that he loves me, and loves her, but because of their history this is what he HAS to do. A DDay did not force us to end this, we chose to. He needs to do what he needs to do if there is ever going to be a chance at us. And I need to let him go completely, expecting nothing, and let him do his work. Not having a DDay forced us to form our own boundaries, and they would have been (and STILL would be) so easy to let slip. It's so hard to NOT slip, which is why I'm here...but I don't have doubts that, for once, we are doing the right thing. Should his wife know? We wrestled with that, and I hope we made the right decision to not add pain to what is already a broken marriage. As I said, there are many other issues at work here, not the slightest being that we travel in some of the same circles. Selfishly, to be found out would lead to a social media outcasting akin to The Scarlet Letter, circa 2010. But also, and simply, I don't want to hurt her. I know, ridiculous coming from an OW. But...it's true. Grace, Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find happiness and peace someday soon. Just take care of yourself for now and try not to worry about what he is doing. I know, easier said than done.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 It seems that most A end with a D-day and the M heads toward reconciliation and potential recovery. What about those A where there was real love (yes, genuine love to all you naysayers), a breaking apart of the APs due to circumstances but no D-day? then I'd say they got away with it:o
East7 Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 It seems that most A end with a D-day and the M heads toward reconciliation and potential recovery. What about those A where there was real love (yes, genuine love to all you naysayers), a breaking apart of the APs due to circumstances but no D-day? I started a similar topic. We ended the A with my MW, she decided to stay with her H but there was no D-day. Eventhough her husband had lots of suspicions and started to control her. There was a true and genuine love between us, we have both suffered a lot. She stayed for the sake of the kid and we mutually decided to move on as the best decision. As far as I know her M is not any better now. Not having a D-day is worse because the BS doesn't know the truth but the BS is not stupid, they often "feel" that something was happening. Not knowing it all is like a silent poison that destroys trust. When there is a D-day at least that can decide what to do with their M. A BS always deserves to know the truth even if it hurts like hell. WS choosing not to tell and fix the marriage is honorable but as I said keeping a secret history is like keeping a poison.
silverplanets Posted October 25, 2010 Posted October 25, 2010 It seems that most A end with a D-day and the M heads toward reconciliation and potential recovery. What about those A where there was real love (yes, genuine love to all you naysayers), a breaking apart of the APs due to circumstances but no D-day? I must admit I don't get the "no exposure" reconciliations ... How can you reconcile with someone whom you don't respect enough to give the right to make their own decision? Even if you spend the whole of your life serving their every need and make it the most wonderful life ever ... that life will be based on a premise that simply isn't true .. ie that you were faithful. Yes YOU may feel better, yes YOU may be glad you got out of the A, and yes YOU may honestly feel it's a mistake ... but it's a mistake they (as a human being) have a right to know about and have a right to make a decision on. So it would seem to me that the WS that secretly returns to the M is really saying "I respect my other half SO much as a person that I have decided to keep from them something which is fundamental to the assumptions they are living the rest of their life on. " .... What's done is done, the WS DID have an A ... it's a REAL FACT .. and the BS deserves the option to reject you as a life partner because of it. If the BS decides not to reject them and they move themselves forward with total honesty then, to be honest, I wish them all the happiness inthe world. But at least everyone KNOWS the choices they have made. Going back in secret just makes the choice for someone ... and who do we think we are that we have the right to make such a choice for someone else???? be safe Chris
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