blind_otter Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I have been split up with my ex for almost 9 months now, but we share a son who is 2 years old, so we are forced to continue associating with each other. The situation is difficult. There was domestic violence towards the end of our relationship. The stronger I grew and the more sure I was that I was leaving him, the more frantic, controlling, and angry he became. I started going back to school over the summer and he became angrier and more erratic. But this attempt to control has continued, even though we are no longer involved in a romantic relationship. I have been in therapy - group therapy through the domestic violence shelter locally, as well as private talk therapy - throughout this process. My ex refuses to seek therapeutic intervention for his binge drinking and control issues and says he does not need therapy. As a result, I continue to take on the lion's share of the burden of raising our son in an emotionally healthy environment; my ex does not pay child support on a regular basis, and only gives money when he feels that my behavior is "appropriate and worth getting money". I don't attempt to argue any more. I make my budget without relying on money from him. It is extremely difficult. Now that I have been accepted to graduate school for the spring, he is extremely erratic - going from attempts at seducing me back to horrendous name calling and physical intimidation (not actually putting his hands on me like he did when we were intimate - now, he will park his car in my driveway and stalk around the outside of the house). It's not the abusive behavior I worry about, it is how erratic the behavior is and how rapidly he seesaws from declaring eternal love for me to screaming at me. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that if I end up dead, or missing, or my house mysteriously burns down, it will be due to my son's father. If so, then that is my fate. I have no legal recourse. I have sought help from the authorities a handful of times. Because domestic violence occurred in the home, last year a DCF case was opened on my son and I (it has since been closed)...but our caseworker actually flat out told me not to call the police again - this county is horrendously biased against abused women, and men who are found guilty of abuse only get slaps on the wrist because of the "good old boy" mentality. She said they might even take my son away from me, because I am the one seeking therapy which could actually be used AGAINST me in court. I am struggling to live my life. It is hard, but I am grateful for what I have been given. I have been looking for work since late spring, I can't seem to find any. I get bitter because my ex has taken 3 vacations this summer. I can't even scrape enough money together to pay a speeding ticket - I just had to buy books and pay for classes. I wish I could just pop his head open and pour understanding and compassion into his mind.
CailinPig Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 That's really scary. Don't give up please! You have to use the support of other people in your family and your neighbourhood. Let them know what's going on, and that it's possible this guy might try to harm you. Make sure you are NEVER alone with this man, be sure that if you need to discuss things with him or drop your child off, that SOMEONE ELSE is the mediator. Install an alarm on your house, let the local police station know, write down any major event that happens, and make sure that you're always aware of your surroundings. Don't be another number.
Lishy Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I was in your exact place 6 years ago BO ... I know exactly what you are going through, I could have written that post myself back then I am so sorry you are in this place, I wont scare you with what happened to me but all I will say is that you need to consider your options and your sons safety .... When guys like him realise they have lost control with you they try to get to your through your children Big {{{{{hug}}}}} darling and again I am so sorry you are going through this (but it will get better) xx
marlena Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 BO, No, it isn't your fate. This kind of thinking is not helping you. To a great extent, we shape our fate. You've done so already by going back to school which, incidentally, I congratulate you on. I am sure that you will excel and have cause to be very proud of yourself. If I were in your place, I would take my baby under my wing and not allow my ex to have any sort of impact on him. He's noxious right now. For the both of you. You need to be calm and strong to provide a proper environment for your child. All this stress can not be doing you or your son any good. If you feel that you he can harm you, you need to take all the necessary precautions. Police, restraining orders, lawyers, friends, family, shelters, whatever is necessary to shield yourselves from his violence, both verbal and physical. Could you perhaps move? I am sorry, really I am. I was in somewhat of a similar situation. But I got out. I hope you do too.
Author blind_otter Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 I have to stop participating in this community, as there is abuse on LS just as in my life. I will not be replying any longer or coming back to this place. Thanks for your best wishes. I hope that you are right, but I can do nothing but withdraw further into my shell. Any attempt to reach out and ask for help will always be rejected. This is what my life has taught me for 30 years. I am sorry I had no gotten to point sooner.
marlena Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I have to stop participating in this community, as there is abuse on LS just as in my life. I will not be replying any longer or coming back to this place. Thanks for your best wishes. I hope that you are right, but I can do nothing but withdraw further into my shell. Any attempt to reach out and ask for help will always be rejected. This is what my life has taught me for 30 years. I am sorry I had no gotten to point sooner. No, it won´t be rejected, not always, BO. There are some truly caring and understanding people left in the world. You just have to find them. You can PM me any time you feel like it and I will respond straight from the heart. I have always had great respect for you.
carhill Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 When in group, what are you hearing from other survivors? Does your story and choices inspire others? Is the shelter/therapy group reinforcing the 'good old boy' equity impossibility, or are there other options? The shelters in our area have private lawyers who work pro bono handling abuse cases and yours sure sounds like one ripe for making an example of the abuser. My sympathies and kudos for getting into a graduate degree program. That takes incredible focus, considering the circumstances. Best wishes
Darth Vader Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) [quote I haven't been online in several months. We didn't have internet. I didn't have access to a phone, either. My son's father stopped paying for my cellphone, but luckily my mother helped me out. I think it had to do with my appearance. I gained a lot of weight while pregnant, and he seemed more relaxed when I looked less attractive. I lost 70 lbs (thanks to breastfeeding, since I am averse to excessive sweating) and he got all weird and controlling. I am thinner now than I was when he and I met. ] You posted this on another Thread, but I couldn't post there because the Thread is too old. Anyway, you said you lost weight, Good for you! BTW, you do look really GOOD! Especially after having how many children? I have to wonder what you look like in a bikini. Maybe you have a picture? Anyway, keep posting, because if you shut down, your Ex-HEX of a loser husband husband will win! You don't want that! Side note, your husband is trying to control you even after he's gone. You realize that your Ex knows that you look really GOOD(and I stress really GOOD!) and HOT. He knows that you could find a guy/s on a bad day and Ride them hard having orgasmic sex with them, if you haven't done so already! I'm not saying to cheat on him by no means, but, yes I know where you're coming from, because I had a controlling parent myself, NO FUN! We're here for you girl! ;)BTW, Did I say you look really FREAK'IN HOT? Edited August 29, 2010 by Darth Vader
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 If you have to leave LS and this place is doing more harm than good, then it's a sign to go or take a break. Please keep intouch, you have my email and PM me anytime. You've always been a pillar of strength and inspirational to me. I truly mean that - You are much stronger than you realize, so please, remember that!
Lishy Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I have to stop participating in this community, as there is abuse on LS just as in my life. I will not be replying any longer or coming back to this place. Thanks for your best wishes. I hope that you are right, but I can do nothing but withdraw further into my shell. Any attempt to reach out and ask for help will always be rejected. This is what my life has taught me for 30 years. I am sorry I had no gotten to point sooner. Who has rejected you here? This post makes no sense???????
Recommended Posts