Justme2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 My soon to be ex husband left me for his mistress. Two weeks after he moved out he decided to tell our children about his girlfriend. He told them that he was so in love with her etc. Needless to say, our children were devastated about what he told them. According to our court documents, my soon to be ex husband is not allowed to have our children around his girlfriend. Well, it's a couple of months later and he is not coming to see or calling his children often. Every week that goes by he is starting to see our children less and less often. However, he is now living with his girlfriend and her young daughter and from what I have heard he is doing a lot with her daughter - such as taking/picking her up from school, taking her to the park, etc. He seems to be disassociating himself from our children. When he does see our children, he takes them to dinner but my children say that he doesn't eat dinner with them ever. I am guessing that he goes home and eats dinner after he has been with our children. Also, if my children call him during the evening he rarely answers his phone. However, during the day when he is at work he will always answer. Also, he seems to have a problem with lying. He lies about everything and he lies not just to me, but also to our children. In addition, he also only wants to see our children when it is convenient to him - such as when his girlfriend is busy or working. My children are deeply hurt. I am having a hard time understanding the distancing and disassociation regarding our children. It seems like our children come second in his "new life". I am having a hard time dealing with this. Is this typical during a divorce? How should I handle this?
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I'm not necessarily singling guys out for this, but I'm afraid it happens a lot with men who leave the nest. There are a couple of threads running with gripes about distant fathers, or those who grow disinterested after they have left/divorced. It's not, sadly, uncommon. I'm afraid I put it down to some men not being the caring/nurturing types. It's a feeble reason, given that we are supposedly so much more advanced than this, but as basic mammals, it's the female who rears the young and teaches them the rudiments of youth. it's only when the young reach an older level, that the males show any further interest, and even then it's not even necessarily as a 'dad' but as a kind of 'buddy' situation.... I have to say at this point, that my partner has just reconnected with his now-18-year-old daughter. But hand on heart, honestly, his ex-wife made it really difficult for him, and was extremely obstructive. It distressed him a great deal, and he was thrilled when he did manage to contact her and renew contact. However, you don't sound at all as if you are in any way blocking him. My only counsel would be, to not make excuses for him, but try not to badmouth him either. Leave all channels open, and let them know they can always see their father whenever they want. In time, they'll want to less and less. And as and when and if, he actually tries to re-establish contact, they will know exactly how it is, and make their own decisions, because there will be nothing he can say about your attitude. it will all be on him. And serve him right.
willowthewisp Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Your husband is a very selfish man. In the same way he treated you, lying, sneaking around, having an affair, he is now exhibiting that selfish behaviour with your children o the recieving end. Basically, he sounds like he wants everything his own way, he wants to spend time with the OW and her child and see his children at his convience. Either that or maybe the OW is puuting pressure/guilt trips on him. May I ask why the court has said that the children are not to be around the OW? She may very well be resentful about this and is probably making your XH feel guilty. I can hear it now "but I want you to spend time with me, it's not my fault the court said I could not be around your children, why can't you see them at ..."etc "but I want you to eat dinner with us" and so on. I mean lets face it, we already know she is a completely self centred women by the fact that she had an affair with a married man with children to boot. I'm not sure what your communication with your XH is like? WOuld it be possible to ask him to meet you to discuss the responses and difficulties that you have noticed the children are having to his behaviour? Perhaps he is unaware of their unhappiness and maybe he is trying to walk the line between OW's wants and the childrens needs? If you do take this route, just be careful how you approach the subject and how you say it.
Author Justme2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 My communication with my ex is zero right now. Anytime I try to talk to him about our children, he ends up hanging up on me. I am tired of being hung up on, so at the moment we are conversing via our attorney's. This last week he was supposed to pick them up from school on one of his visitation days. He did not pick them up so they waited after school for 30 minutes until the school contacted me. Her soon to be ex husband contacted me recently and told me that she didn't want nor encourage him to stay in contact with his children from a prior marriage. He heard from their son that she did not want my ex contacting me. This leads me to believe that she doesn't want my ex to be around our children. The reason she can not be around our children is because our children are seeing a counselor and our children have expressed how hurt they were by the revelation that their father had a girlfriend. The counselor wrote a letter to the court which stated that at the present time it would not be our children's best interest to be introduced to her. It is for their emotional well being.
Steadfast Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 The reason she can not be around our children is because our children are seeing a counselor and our children have expressed how hurt they were by the revelation that their father had a girlfriend. The counselor wrote a letter to the court which stated that at the present time it would not be our children's best interest to be introduced to her. It is for their emotional well being. And this is better for them? Hardly any father at all? Look, I know it stinks and I know what he did is wrong, but something tells me mother is 100% in support of this letter from the court. Don't deny it, it's common. You've forced his hand and don't like his reaction. I don't blame you. But... Yes, he's a selfish jerkass, but like it or not, you and your kids have to adapt to the situation. That means (if he stays with her...and that's no lock) them spending time with him and her, even in a family environment. Lots of people have to face this but that does not make it any easier. If it's any consolation (and depending on how old your kids are) if your kids hate being around them, then they have a good reason to stay away. It'll be on him to make it right then. You tried. Not sure how all this will work out, but remember; what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If you meet someone and want to bring everyone together, you're good to go. Just do it the right way. Be nice. An old friend once told me; 'When in doubt, do what's best for the kids'.
Author Justme2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 This stipulation is for right now. In the months to come, it will change. I do not think that meeting a mistress a couple of weeks after their father has moved out is not healthy for them. In time, it will be ok for them to meet her. My children need to process their parent's divorce before they can accept the fact that their father has moved on.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Your tbx's priorities are all messed up because he doesn't want to make the OW angry, because she's his new nookie. He could also have a "show you" attitude about that letter. Doesn't really matter though what it is. YOU be there for your kids, they will come to find you the trustworthy parent, and you are then pretty much guarantteed to be the custodial parent for the rest of their childhood. He's responsible for his relationship with his kids. Don't do anything to block it--him alone without the OW. He may plan on seeing them quite a bit after this restriction is lifted, or he may become a deadbeat dad. Either way, he's responsible for maintaining his relationship with them, not you. You just do what you have to do to ensure a clear conscience.
willowthewisp Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 And this is better for them? Hardly any father at all? Look, I know it stinks and I know what he did is wrong, but something tells me mother is 100% in support of this letter from the court. Don't deny it, it's common. You've forced his hand and don't like his reaction. I don't blame you. But... Yes, he's a selfish jerkass, but like it or not, you and your kids have to adapt to the situation. That means (if he stays with her...and that's no lock) them spending time with him and her, even in a family environment. Lots of people have to face this but that does not make it any easier. If it's any consolation (and depending on how old your kids are) if your kids hate being around them, then they have a good reason to stay away. It'll be on him to make it right then. You tried. Not sure how all this will work out, but remember; what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If you meet someone and want to bring everyone together, you're good to go. Just do it the right way. Be nice. An old friend once told me; 'When in doubt, do what's best for the kids'. I have to disagree with you on this, if a qualified mental health professional thinks that in treating the children this is the best course of action for the time being, then that is the end of it. Courts are well aware of the importance of children to have a relationship with their father (both parents) and will stirve to make that possible, this is just an interim order and will be reviewed regualrly by the court, but they will not stipulate a relationship at the expense of the emotional and physical well being of the children. If the father doesn't like it then maybe he should of thought about his childrens emotional well being before he dropped his pants. He is exhibiting the typical selfish behaviour of someone who cheats. He has disrespected his wife and children already by having an affiar and leaving his family for this OW, so why are we surprised when he disrespects his children again by putting the OWs' wants before their well being. OP, I feel very bad for you and your children, there is nothing you can do to improve your childrens relationship with their father, only he can do that and he's choosing not to. All you can do is give your children love and understanding about the situation, be honest with them and continue to make sure they get the therapy support they need.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Focus on your kids. Don't try to figure him out. He's a real sh.it for doing this to the kids! One day he WILL regret his selfish choices, but right now he cannot see what he is doing (how he's handling this) is just SO WRONG and cruel. Get your kids into family counseling. It'll help you all. Don't bash him, just explain to them that daddy isn't himself right now and that he does love them, even though it doesn't seem like it.
Steadfast Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 This stipulation is for right now. In the months to come, it will change. I do not think that meeting a mistress a couple of weeks after their father has moved out is not healthy for them. In time, it will be ok for them to meet her. My children need to process their parent's divorce before they can accept the fact that their father has moved on. That's quite a stipulation, and not mentioned in your first post. Just the same, well said and FWIW, I agree. No matter how much you respect the 'professionals' who work in the field (yes, I'm being a bit sarcastic because...) they don't know your child as well as you do. If there is one thing that my ex and I did that was right, was to leave the courts, mediators and lawyers out of it. I'd advise the the same to anyone unless your STBX is intent on exposing the kids to harmful situations. Sadly, it happens often. Good luck and all the best. One parent must hold it together, and you sound more than up to the job. It isnt easy, but not impossible either-
trippi1432 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Hi JustMe - As much as we wish we could protect our children, they are smarter than we give them credit for. I was against bringing our son around any new people in the separation until he was able to deal with the divorce. My ex thought differently and wanted to introduce his GF right away. While I was not in total agreement with the idea, it happened and has actually worked out okay. My daughter from my previous marriage is a different story, her father decided not to take an interest in her life after we divorced. He did make one attempt to see her years later; however, that did not go over well when he divorced wife #2 very shortly thereafter. In the wake, he has left a total of 3 daughters abandoned as he has nothing to do with any of his children now. As long as you stay the strong constant in their lives, they will come out on the other side. I won't say totally unscathed, but they will know that someone loves and cares for them.
worlybear Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 My soon to be ex husband left me for his mistress. Two weeks after he moved out he decided to tell our children about his girlfriend. He told them that he was so in love with her etc. Needless to say, our children were devastated about what he told them. According to our court documents, my soon to be ex husband is not allowed to have our children around his girlfriend. Well, it's a couple of months later and he is not coming to see or calling his children often. Every week that goes by he is starting to see our children less and less often. However, he is now living with his girlfriend and her young daughter and from what I have heard he is doing a lot with her daughter - such as taking/picking her up from school, taking her to the park, etc. He seems to be disassociating himself from our children. When he does see our children, he takes them to dinner but my children say that he doesn't eat dinner with them ever. I am guessing that he goes home and eats dinner after he has been with our children. Also, if my children call him during the evening he rarely answers his phone. However, during the day when he is at work he will always answer. Also, he seems to have a problem with lying. He lies about everything and he lies not just to me, but also to our children. In addition, he also only wants to see our children when it is convenient to him - such as when his girlfriend is busy or working. My children are deeply hurt. I am having a hard time understanding the distancing and disassociation regarding our children. It seems like our children come second in his "new life". I am having a hard time dealing with this. Is this typical during a divorce? How should I handle this? Your story mirrors mine. My STBX had a very public affair at the small village school where he was head. OW and I also worked there and my 8 yr old daughter was friends with hers. He lost his job and moved away with OW.(walked away from mortgage etc) He is now living with OW and her daughter and my daughter can't understand why. He has had minimal contact for the last year and refuses to phone her. My oldest son is in contact with him (grown up with problems-long story) and says that his father has told him that I have turned daughter against him:rolleyes:yeah,right. On the contrary it has been at my insistence that XH at least writes to her. This has been on-going for about a year. Our daughter has decided for now that she wants no contact and is adamant that she won't visit him with OW and OW's daughter- quite frankly I don't blame her- he has made his choice and now she is exercising her right to make hers. But to be honest- the more time that passes, the less she misses him. He has had many chances to contact her (all these hols for example) but the sad fact is he's not really bothered. She doesn't fit his new image. At the end of the day people who leave families in this way are so selfish they're not worth bothering with. I would love to be more positive but honesty won't let me.Hugs:bunny:
Clep Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I am wondering how old are your children? That makes a huge difference in the route to go in aiding them with their father's poor choices. I would not allow my children around the new woman until they have a grasp on the relationship ending and have come to terms with that. Their age and aid you provide will be a determining factor in when they are ready for that. I would have long term concern as well about my children being in the care of others that have already been so careless with them. I don't think this is typical during divorce but is when a parent is lacking values, a conscience and the ability to think of others in the slightest. A psychologist would be a help here I think. Getting your children involved in outside activities is also a help along with play dates, special nights with you, new family pictures, a vacation if you can afford it, a new pet etc. I went through the same with my son when he was six. I did all of the things above and all of the above were a wonderful aid. We talked about his feelings, and concentrated on ourselves. I had a plan A,B and C for if dad didn't show or call. I would say that I wanted to do B with him but couldn't because of his call or visiting time with dad. Now we can do what I was thinking. I would make it something I knew he would love. We had regular Friday night movie and snack night. He got all the things he couldn't eat during the week and a movie or video games of his choice. That is still his favorite thing. It has now extended to neighbor children and a sleepover every Friday night. I wouldn't waste my time on trying to understand him, but doing what is best for my children and keeping myself at my emotional best. The better you are, the better your children are. Just my two cents.
drewsmom Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 My stbh is doing the same exact thing. He only bothers when the gf isnt around. I took a different road than you, I dont care what he does. I was always the one who did everything with my son even when we were together, so my son doesnt know any different. The funny thing is my son hardly answers the phone when he calls for him. I will tell him daddys on the phone and he says he dont want to talk to him. my son is 6 and already knows, I asked stbx to take him weekends, he said no friday nites are good for him. and when he does have him friday nite they go to dinner then go hang in walmart. not so much fun for a 6 yr old but stbx is an idiot and has no idea how to be a father. lone day stbx called and asked son to sleep over(gf must have been busy) they dont live together, son said nope, stbx laughed like as if to say wtf, but like my lawyer told me you cant force them to be good fathers and see them, and i say when my son dont want to be with him i cant force him either. works both ways. I dont badmouth my stbx I am living for my son and myself. At 6 he already knows how things are gonna be and he isnt taking his fathers **** either. My son is fine with me doig everything with him and i love it. I cant count on one hand how many times stbx played outdoors with my son and stbx will agree. kids are smart. your children will understand who was there for them all along. My stbx will call alot too much but its only to see what were doing. I mean 5 phone calls in a row on my answering machine, but thats only his control thing, because when he does get intouch with us or my son he will talk to him 20 seconds. just live for yourself and your children, screw the stbx and gf, In the long run he loses.
Gfkr2 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Focus on your kids. Don't try to figure him out. He's a real sh.it for doing this to the kids! One day he WILL regret his selfish choices, but right now he cannot see what he is doing (how he's handling this) is just SO WRONG and cruel. Get your kids into family counseling. It'll help you all. Don't bash him, just explain to them that daddy isn't himself right now and that he does love them, even though it doesn't seem like it. I second this great advice:rolleyes:
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