Forgiving a 4 year affair?

[barelybreathing12]

I have been with my SO for 16 years. Obviously a great deal of history. Let's start with; I met him online, he told me he was single. I found out he wasn't but not after meeting with him and sleeping with him. He told me that they were getting a divorce and I told him that when that happened, we would see what might happen. They did get divorced. So, 8 months after we met and with us only spending 6 actual days together (it was a long distance relationship), he asked me to marry him. I said yes and he moved cross country 2 months later. Leaving his 2 children with his ex-wife. HE was having financial trouble before he moved and I helped him out a bit.

So he moves cross country and things are good. Then I find out he had a sexually transmitted disease that he did not tell me about. Not one that goes away - EVER. Shortly after that one of his children come to live with us and then the other. So I have gone from having a fun single life to having a SO with family in 18 months. I did not have any children of my own and had a great career, not really thinking about having children.

He struggled with employment and ends up startind a company of his own which was never very profitable. I always made more money than he. I do believe he really was trying but never really succeeded.

We had a fantastic sex life when we met and for awhile into the relationship. Then when the kids moved in, it was hard for me because the house was very small and I was sure they would hear.

We argued a lot especially about money. I always felt like I was having to support the family. Like the roles were reversed BUT I still had to uphold the female end of the relationship as well. I tried to be the best mother I could to his kids as their biological mother was just that and not much more. I felt more and more taken advantage of and began to resent him and the situation I was in. The more resentful I became, the less interested I was in him. Our sex life was pretty non-existant and then the day when he was angry at me and told me that I wasn't good enough to have any children with him, it was if a switch went off in my brain and I couldn't fathom the thought of sex with him. I had to be drunk to ever do anything again and I bet we have had not had sex more that 2 times a year in the past 6 years.

So the kids are now out of the house and have been for a a couple years. We own a very successful business together and our finances are entertwined. We have never married. We are pretty much roommates but we fight all the time. We work together all day long and then come home. We rarely fight at work but when we are not getting along there is a tension in the air and I know the employees feel it as much as we try to not let it show.

About 2.5 years ago I caught him cheating. His cell phone dialed me accidentally and I heard him talking to a woman. I kicked him out for about 2 weeks and then he promised me it would never happen again and we tried to repair things. I thought we were past all of that until 10 days ago. I was out of town at a business conference and I kept getting blocked calls. After the sessions ended for the day, I finally answered it to make it stop. It was a woman who told me she had been having an affair with SO for 4 years. She told me that she had broken it off a year before but that she had called him the night before (she knew it was his golf night and that he would be away from me) and that he had told her that he was seeing someone else. I thought it was a joke and asked her why I should believe her. Let's just say she gave me enough info to believe her. And told me that if she were me, she would want to know (of course). So, I called SO and told him about the call. There was a lot of silence. It was not pretty. And in the midst of the call with SO, the woman called me again (this is good) to see if I had any other questions for her. WTH??? Who does that????

The past 10 days have been horrific. The woman has been in my home and in my bed. She knows more about me than I ever knew about her. I feel violated, disgusted, deceived...I could go on but I'm sure you get the idea. I figured out that she had contacted his company and wanted an estimate on work for her home AND THIS WAS AFTER THEY WERE FOOLING AROUND!!! She even gave him a cell phone to avoid getting caught AND they exchanged "pictures" of each other. She is a fat skanky looking woman. I found her pictures on her employer's website. And...by the way, they had unprotected sex and he did not tell her about the disease either. I SO want to call her at work (the calls are recorded for quality - priceless) and let her know about the disease - after all, if I were her, I would want to know. But...she is clearly horrid and who knows what she would do. I feel like she has complete control over the situation and that REALLY sets me off.

So, he is out of the house. I'm devastated on many levels. I hate him for what he did not only to me personally but to our life together, our business and his kids (who do not know a thing yet).

Of course, I've heard the "it was sex and that is all" line over and over and how he really wanted me the whole time. He promised me that it was over and then he continued to cheat for another 2.5 years!!! Of course, he tells me that he was trying to break it off but that she would threaten to tell me. What kind of man is that???

As angry, disappointed and hurt as I am, I feel like I am responsible for him looking outside of the relationship. I know that what he did was way wrong but after listening to some relationship info in the past 10 days, I clearly was not treating him well and not being the best partner I could be. He knows that he was not the best partner he could be (aside from the affair) and tells me that he will work on himself and show me that he can be the man that I need him to be. I just don't know if I can get past all of this. I don't know if I can get this out of my mind and ever believe in him again. I have thought of ending things with him throughout the last several years and have definitely had an emotional affair or 2 but never went any further than that.

I not only have our personal relationship to contemplate but we have the business. It's really a cussin mess that he has dumped in my lap and that makes me very angry. So I'm angry and then I miss him and then I want to throw things and then I want to cry....I have a lot of self respect and I feel by allowing him back into my life that I am showing him and everyone else who knows that I am willing to be a doormat. I'm not but I'm so confused. Help???

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, let's look at the facts, ma'am.

 

He was married when he cheated on her, and basically left his wife and kids to be with you.

Then he has an STD, which he obviously didn't catch off his wife, so he was multi-cheating.

Then he lies and cheats on you, and basically lets you do the donkey work, and makes you mum to his kids and chief breadwinner, while all the time screwing another woman, who by the way, had no idea he had an STD.

 

And you think any of this is your fault?

 

You're kidding, right?

 

Tell me, d'you think his ex-wife was at fault, or all his numerous lovers (including the one that infected him)? They were all somehow to blame were they, because he obviously put his pipe elsewhere every time....?

 

 

the guy is a cheating skank. he has little or no regard at all for any women in his life and little for his kids.

he's lumbered you with more problems than you should ever have to be dealing with.

 

File for divorce, don't let him anywhere near you and do not be a doormat, because trust me, let him back in, and you definitely are.

This is intolerable, and nobody would blame you for doing what you know you must do.

Sell the business, find a good commercial lawyer to do this for you, and sue his ass off, if you can.

Honey, this guy needs to take a long walk off a short pier. he needs to know that at least one woman in his life is no pushover, and what's more is not only made of stern stuff, but will teach him a lesson he will never forget.

 

Be that woman.

And get rid of the parasite.

[whichwayisup]

He is a cheater..Was before and still is. He isn't and hasn't changed his ways, he copes by 'when life gets tough, he gets selfish and cheats'.

 

Break up with him. He isn't worth fighting for. He lies, cheats, treats you like an idiot and expects/hopes you'll forgive him. He has a shady past and hasn't learned ANYTHING along the way. You deserve better! Sadly for you, you'll never get that from him. Ever.

 

Do counseling to help you cope if needed, but please, do yourself a favour and detach, get away from him..Otherwise he's just going to feed you more lies and when the coast is clear he'll cheat on you again. He doesn't care about anybody but himself. The proof is there, you just need to be willing to see it and accept it.

[You Go Girl]

They've been nothing but business partners for years, it seems to me. Maybe a strange friendship going on, with fighting in it, but no sex life, which means no intimacy.

Intimacy hasn't been on the top of her list, the business has.

Him? It looks like he has wanted a relationship, and found one elsewhere.

He did some selfish things early on, and I'm not excusing any of it. But, you have to work through conflict in relationships. There can't be an arrangement in which there is no sex, and you are not allowed to get sex elsewhere either. She was forcing celibacy? She can't do that.

So as much as I sympathize that he brought her down to such a low level, I also see that she too played unfairly.

Why didn't this couple care about closeness? Because it appears that neither one did.

[crazycatlady]

He cheated first with the lie about the std and about being married. You cheated by withdrawing sexually from the relationship and not leaving. He repeatedly cheated with you with others....why on earth with you want to save that relationship? Doesn't seem to have anything good about it going for it. Complications, sure, but who cares if its complicated I would think getting your freedom in the end is worth a whole butt load of complications. End the cycle of cheating, kick him out.

[barelybreathing12]

There was only one person he cheated with (if I can believe what I was told). He continued to cheat with the same person I caught him with.

I never thought of myself as "cheating" in the relationship. I wasn't withholding sex as a punishment or really on purpose. I just had absolutely no interest in it with him and maybe no one else either. I'm at that wonderful age where things are starting to change and I'm not quite ready for all of it.

The replies are having an interesting effect on me. I'm actually getting more angry about what he's done. I'm not totally letting myself off the hook. I have focused on the business. It had to be focused on to pull us out of the financial hole we were in. Now were out and this year, I have spent more time enjoying things than the past several.

This affair supposedly ended a year ago. The story is that she called him because she had been thinking about him and wanted him back. He said no and she wouldn't stop (at this point any rational person would have HUNG UP THE PHONE!!!) so (as the story goes) he told her that he was seeing someone else to get her off his back. He "claims" that he is not seeing anyone and that he broke things off with her a year ago because he wanted to work things out with me. Not making excuses for him but he had a really crappy upbringing. He had to be taught how to be a good parent as he didn't have any model for that. He was a menopause baby and his brothers were 10+ years older. His parents spent most of their time in bars according to him. Now he tells me that he has really been trying to be more of a man for me but he doesn't know what else to do. I had two very loving parents who went through hell together. I have a vague recollection of my Mom getting upset about a woman but I have never asked my Mom about it. It was very long ago. My Dad always showed my Mother the most respect. That is what I am accustomed to and that is what I deserve as well. My Dad passed away 2.5 years ago and in my grief, I remember screaming at my SO and telling him he would never be the man that my Dad was. Little did I know....

It's really easy to point the finger at him. As I mentioned, I had an emotional affair that came very close to becoming more than that. The OM made me feel special and wanted. He was always happy to see me every day (we worked together before the company started) and we had lunch every day. We talked about things other than work and kids and it felt wonderful. That was probably just as good at the time as a sexual affair. He was single and if I had expressed an interest in taking it further, it would have been reciprocated. I think the people we worked with thought we were having an affair. I've never really told the SO that it was like this although he knew that we had lunch together all the time.

I'm not one to just throw things away but I also don't want to do this again. He is claiming that he will never do this again. Is it worth going to counseling?

[You Go Girl]

Can't think of an example that counseling would hurt. Well, maybe. Maybe if you were blindsided and had a counselor that totally sided with your H and skewed things in his favor.

What have you got to lose? Try it.

 

Meanwhile, even without the counselor involved, it sounds like communication is opening up. Hey, that's quite an accomplishment! For the first time? the two of you are openly and honestly talking. I would reveal the EA to him too. Why not let him see that you too can be aroused given the right circumstances. It might just lead to some closeness and gratitude by both of you to have the other in your life. Might even lead to...a little sexual bliss...somewhere down the road.

 

It's sad to see people who could be staring lovingly into each other's eyes and really appreciating each other giving each other the cold shoulder all the time.

But it can only be accomplished if there is good open honest communication, and a realization that there is something worth fighting for, and an appreciation for the other on both sides.