how did YOU stop the pain & memories,? Be Honest!

[9Lives]

I'm ready. Sambo and Try is right. Along with some other good posters about getting his over. my problem now is stupid thoughts and memories and I hate love songs right now.

 

when you was serious about getting on. what did YOU do? You not anyone else..You! I'm listening

[jon3105]

I cant quite comment on my current situation, because I am really really struggling with the same problem.

 

But before my current ex I did date someone for 3.5 years. Obviously I had the same problem when that ended, but now looking back I cant really remember the memories.

 

I can remember the significant ones, a couple skiing holidays, the occasional birthday and chirstmases, etc. But I think overall, as you make new memories, you forget.

 

You forget what their voice sounds like, you forget their favourite food, music, tv shows, etc and generally you forget about them. Its sad to think about, almost tragic, though nescessary in healing. After all, if you didnt then everyone would be in constant mourning over failed relationships.

 

Its funny though, I can write the above and know it to be true from experience, though when I try and think it rationally in my head about my current ex I just cant.

 

Meeting someone else does also play a big part. Replacing those memories of your ex with new ones with them. I was still angsty about the first ex after 18 months of being broken up. Then I met my most recent ex and havent thought about the first one since.

Edited August 29, 2010 by jon3105

[Sambo]

I'm ready. Sambo and Try is right. Along with some other good posters about getting his over. my problem now is stupid thoughts and memories and I hate love songs right now.

 

when you was serious about getting on. what did YOU do? You not anyone else..You! I'm listening

 

9Lives,

 

First let me start by saying I really do think your such a very special woman. I always enjoy reading your posts and I can tell you have a wonderful and sensitive heart.

 

That's the problem though !

 

Most of the people that find themselves here are sensitive people.

 

It's important to understand that because it's a great gift to be able to love the way we do but it also makes us much more vulnerable to hurt and disappointment.

 

 

Last night I had a date and she wanted to go to a restaurant that my ex and I use to go to alot and it was in my old neighborhood where my ex still lives.

 

At first I was worried about running into my ex but then I said to myself.

 

IF I think like this I am allowing my ex to have power over me and I am way to strong and proud to let anyone have power over me.

 

So I said F it I'm going and not only that I'm going to enjoy myself.

 

The evening was actually a hit because the whole time we were there I kept reminding myself that I was with someone that actually respected me and was enjoying my company. Later we walked around and held hands and every time a thought about my ex came into my mind I forced it out and focused on this woman that was obviously appreciating me and the more attention I gave her the more she appreciated me.

 

If I would have allowed the memories and past to stay inside my mind then it would have been a terrible evening and I would have missed out on getting to know someone new and I would have missed out on feeling good about myself because someone thought I was interesting and someone was appreciating ME.

 

The bottom line is people like you and I and so many other sensitive people that find themselves here in this forum are SPECIAL, we love with all we have and sure it's can hurt us at times but it's GIFT from God and I know that one day all this love I have to give will be found by someone that will give me AS much back.

 

WE are Diamonds and Gold !

 

Once you truly believe that you will forget those memories because you will be focused on the future !

 

Whenever you feel a memory or negative thought coming into your mind remind yourself that if I allow this thought to stay in my mind then the bad situation still controls me...... so OUT you go and ask yourself what can I focus my attention on now or about my future that will make me feel good right now.

 

It's your mind sweetheart, nobody else's.

 

Sincerely

Sambo

Edited August 29, 2010 by Sambo

[jon3105]

I realise I didnt answer your question directly either, and instead just explained the aftermath of getting over someone.

 

What honestly helped me through my first break up? It sounds silly but Scrubs and Arrested Development.

 

Never underestimate the power of laughter and escaping to a different place, even just for 30 minutes at a time. Through watching both those shows I was able to take my mind off my ex enough to enjoy life and laugh for just a bit. It can be a good tv show, or even a book.

 

People will always say "hang out with friends, meet new people, etc" and yeah that is important, but for some it isnt so much of an option and at first, atleast for the first few weeks of breaking up, you generally really dont feel like it.

 

I went for a meal with some friends the other night and it was nice, but at the end of the day it was 3 couples and me round a table and I just couldnt stop thinking about her sitting in the empty seat next to me.

 

Another night I went out to watch a local firework display with a different group of friends. The same problem, I enjoyed myself but the whole time I just found myself imagining her there in my arms watching too.

 

Sometimes its easier just to relax and lose yourself in a good show or book. Doing things like going to the gym is ofcorse equally important (or atleast regular exercise), but you cant constantly be doing that.

 

Make a list too, of just 3 things you would like to change now that you arent with them, and focus on that. For example, my list is as follows:

 

Gym/Fitness: I stopped going to the gym when I met her, and lost the level of fitness I had previously worked so hard for, along with the confidence that came with it. I'd love to get properly back into shape again, firstly for my own gain, and secondly to bump into her in 6 months and see the look on her face. Thats my motivation.

 

Smoking: Again, following the slump in fitness I shamefully started smoking purely because she did. Although it has never been a full on addiction, I want to focus on becoming a non smoker again and will need to anyway to fulfil my first goal.

 

Career: Im currently stuck in a horrible office job. 9-5 would seems like a dream come true to what im currently in. It makes me miserable and, especially with what im feeling at the moment, its a hell hole to go into each day. I've now got the time and chance to focus on what I want to do with my life, and take the steps to do that. No commitments holding me back now.

 

My self confidence has taken a huge battering over the past 2 years because of the way I let myself be treated. Through dating someone younger and immature I let myself fall into all the old faults I had back at that age too. Jealousy, Paranoia and Posessiveness being the main traps. I was above all of that before, but through being belittled and made to feel insecure about myself it all came rushing back. Again, a boost to my self confidence will hopefully come as a result of achieving those goals.

[Thorgs]

You can never stop the memories, but you can stop the pain. Keep yourself busy, eat right, and exercise. You'll feel like a new person in no time

[9Lives]

You can never stop the memories, but you can stop the pain. Keep yourself busy, eat right, and exercise. You'll feel like a new person in no time

 

dude!!!! none of u guys really answered the question!! LOL not cool but whatever

 

sambo, thanks for the sweet message(wink)

 

well I know reading something interesting distracts me. looking at super fine guys gets me excited!!! I think in the morning, I need to read. that's when its the worst

[yah]

It took me a long time to grieve after my last relationship. I was a mess. Ultimately, I began to look forward to new things. I just started to have a new outlook in life. We were engaged so I had to start picturing a new future without him, which didn't seem so grim anymore. I threw out his stuff, REALLY concentrated on work, read and cooked more (my hobbies), avoided romantic anything, etc. When I felt down (which became less after awhile) I talked to my best friend and we would just talk and laugh for hours, avoiding the subject. It worked.

 

Good luck to you!!

[Minnie09]

what did YOU do? You not anyone else..You! I'm listening

 

Presumably not the most socially acceptable answer, but an honest one, guaranteed:

I have definitely been smoking and drinking too much. Need to change that asap.

[9Lives]

Presumably not the most socially acceptable answer, but an honest one, guaranteed:

I have definitely been smoking and drinking too much. Need to change that asap.

 

don't feel bad. I was smoking some weed in the morning. I just needed to feel a little better jsut to get the day moving. I'm not a big smoker but after being down for so long I needed a lift. I be needing a break. I'm not trying to become a big smoker but at times its got to happen. I'm smoking less and less tho. I know its just a phase for me. the ship won't sink over one dude! nope

[9Lives]

Normally, I am a daily smoker. However, once relationship stress entered the picture, I havent bothered to touch the stuff. Cant find myself capable of enjoying it.

 

We will get thru this bullsht! It is going to get better. I refused to be feeling like this for 3 or 4 months. It is going to stop...yes

[whatadeer26]

You will get through it. Most importantly LIVE YOUR LIFE. We all get bogged down by memories and thoughts, but the show must go on.

 

Trust me, Love comes again. Anyone who said you only have 1 true love is a liar. F that noise.

 

Trust me go about your daily business go have fun. When you least expect it, love will come out of nowhere and into your life.

 

I tried living my life to the fullest. I surrounded myself with my friends. I just went out and partied.

 

Stay strong in time it will fade.

[9Lives]

You will get through it. Most importantly LIVE YOUR LIFE. We all get bogged down by memories and thoughts, but the show must go on.

 

Trust me, Love comes again. Anyone who said you only have 1 true love is a liar. F that noise.

 

Trust me go about your daily business go have fun. When you least expect it, love will come out of nowhere and into your life.

 

I tried living my life to the fullest. I surrounded myself with my friends. I just went out and partied.

 

Stay strong in time it will fade.

 

Your right. Im just trying to get tothe other side of this nonsense. Im not trying to be stuck in time

[Sambo]

9 lives,

 

I would like you to try an experiment with me.

 

Sit somewhere quite and close your eyes and focus on your breathing then in your mind imagine yourself doing something you love to do.

 

ie: dancing, a sport or anything that you like.

 

Force yourself to think of the thing for 30 seconds straight no stopping.

 

See yourself doing it, hear the sounds you would hear when you do it and even try and imagine the feelings you would have doing it.

 

Then monitor your feelings for the next 30 mins.

 

Write down the results on a piece of paper.

 

Try it 3x per day !

 

And then comeback in a few days and tell me what the results are ok?

Edited August 30, 2010 by Sambo

[9Lives]

9 lives,

 

I would like you to try an experiment with me.

 

Sit somewhere quite and close your eyes and focus on your breathing then in your mind imagine yourself doing something you love to do.

 

ie: dancing, a sport or anything that you like.

 

Force yourself to think of the thing for 30 seconds straight no stopping.

 

See yourself doing it, hear the sounds you would hear when you do it and even try and imagine the feelings you would have doing it.

 

Then monitor your feelings for the next 30 mins.

 

Write down the results on a piece of paper.

 

Try it 3x per day !

 

And then comeback in a few days and tell me what the results are ok?

 

I tried thst before and it worked. I will do it starting today cause work has been a littl crazy lately

[ChrisMc]

Presumably not the most socially acceptable answer, but an honest one, guaranteed:

I have definitely been smoking and drinking too much. Need to change that asap.

 

I'm no expert on getting over someone, believe me, but one thing I have learned during this time is alcohol can be a very very dangerous crutch.

 

Studies have shown that alcohol, in the body of an already depressed individual, most often leads to greater heights of depression. There might be momentary lapses of joy, but it will not last and you'll likely end up feeling worse than ever.

 

I know this is what happened to me. I went out to the club with some friends a few weeks back, feeling very good about my ex and basically on some "**** her" ****. I got a lil drunk, and literally, as if a light switch was struck, I became RIDICULOUSLY depressed, to the point where my friends were sure I got a text or some news about her.

 

A few weeks before, i went on a stupid bender on my own, and at that point, I was probably the most depressed being on Earth lol.

 

As a result, I've decided, since I am not exactly in the best state of mind these days, no alcohol will touch these lips until further notice. It'll be hard (how the hell am I gonna enjoy week 1 of the NFL with NO BEER?!?), but I know it's the right move.

 

So I went out again this past weekend, no drinking, just a few energy drinks, and STILL had a great time. Believe me, one of the funniest things in the world is watching people twisted out of their minds act foolish while you're stone cold sober.

 

This is all not to say you and I are the same person, and will have the same results, but just a heads up to watch the drinking during your fragile period.

[Gironbachs]

One thing I have learned that bears repeating. NEVER pin all your hopes, dreams, and future happiness on another person, because people will ALWAYS let you down, guaranteed.. no matter how much you love them

 

Believe in yourself.

[9Lives]

It took me a long time to grieve after my last relationship. I was a mess. Ultimately, I began to look forward to new things. I just started to have a new outlook in life. We were engaged so I had to start picturing a new future without him, which didn't seem so grim anymore. I threw out his stuff, REALLY concentrated on work, read and cooked more (my hobbies), avoided romantic anything, etc. When I felt down (which became less after awhile) I talked to my best friend and we would just talk and laugh for hours, avoiding the subject. It worked.

 

Good luck to you!!

 

yep, i believe this takes time. It must have been hard for you to work thru a engagement and look you are making it. Im glad you responded. It gives me hope. It will get better.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm ready. Sambo and Try is right. Along with some other good posters about getting his over. my problem now is stupid thoughts and memories and I hate love songs right now.

 

when you was serious about getting on. what did YOU do? You not anyone else..You! I'm listening

 

 

I went (and still am ) a skydiving fool . I go every chance I get, I just jumped three times today, That helps alot. Freefalling from 16,000 ft. will clear every worry from your mind. Trouble is it only lasts for a short time. My unit is due to deploy again soon so that helps as well. But I must be honest that she ripped my heart out and stomped on it. I am still not over her even after a year.

If you stay busy and find new things to do you will be ok. It just takes time to get over someone, no doubt about it. But staying busy is the what you need while that healing takes place.

[Nappeal]

You know, after I got divorced, all I could do was think of the memories. They would never go away no matter what I did. We separated 3 yrs ago about.

 

Slowly, you do just forget all those things, I imagine just as you make new memories. Sadly I guess time is the only thing that helps. Then and now I just do my best to get out and do something instead of sitting around @ home thinking about it. I struggle w it @ work...when I'm slow all the memories of my X take over. When that happens, I try my damndest to find something to do, but you know, that doesn't always help.

 

After 8 yrs w my ex husband, now about all I can remember was our Sunday nights @ Dairy Queen; it used to make me sad but now it just makes me smile. W my current X, I would always ask 'you don't want peppers, onions or tomatos w dinner, right?' I only asked since those were what my XH HATED in his food. LOL I had them mixed up. Just goes to show I guess.

[Sambo]

I tried thst before and it worked. I will do it starting today cause work has been a littl crazy lately

 

The point is that you can keep those memories out of your mind by choosing to think about better things.

 

It just takes some effort