jon3105 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) So my ex and I broke up from our 2 year relationship properly just over a week ago. I've really struggled with it all so far, particularly falling into the trap of idolising her and only remembering all the great times together (we took a huge holiday together a few months ago to New York, Vegas and San Fran which unfortunately could not have been more perfect and I really struggle with the memories of this). Anyway, hard as it has been I'd been trying to maintain no contact as much as possible, and once it had been a few days of NC I began to find myself thinking slightly less about it, though I would have still given anything for another chance. She contacted me yesterday, suggesting we meet up and talk. I foolishly accepted thinking "Yes! She's realised shes made a mistake and maybe we can talk things through". Anyway, I went and met her last night, we started talking and I got a few things out in the open about how I felt. She then just turns around and says to me "You're going to hate me". I got that sinking feeling in my heart, she proceeds to tell me that shes slept with someone else, and then feels the need to provide more details about the event. I was speechless and crushed. I genuinely thought we might be fixing things and then she hits me with that blow. I had suspicions that she might have been seeing this guy from her work (he was constantly texting her towards the end of our relationship), but I denied it deep down thinking it was my own paranoia and that it'd take her atleast a little time to move on from us too. Now I'm back at home, sat on my own, with the images that I had been torturing myself with for the last week confirmed. And yet despite all of this, I still blame myself for some reason, convincing myself that it was me that pushed her towards this bloke, it was me that made the mistakes, etc. Atleast I now know that there is absolutely no chance in hell of this working now, my pride wouldnt let me get back with her, but it hurts so much more and I just really find it hard to believe that shes forgotten about me and moved on so fast. I was with my ex before her for 3.5 years, and after that broke up it took me over a year to even sleep with anyone else, and a further 6 months before I found my current ex. I've never been the type to just casually sleep around or have one night stands like most of my mates, sex has always been a much more meaningful thing and I've always considered myself to be a relationship person I guess. I just feel like an idiot, sat here wimpering over her while she's off ****ing someone else, and knowing it'll take me much much longer to be in a position to find someone else and do the same. Edited August 29, 2010 by jon3105
yah Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'm sorry that you are feeling so heartbroken today... She told you she slept with someone else. Use this information to your advantage to get over her. Every time you ponder on the good times, picture her with another guy. Every time you find yourself missing her in the next few weeks/month, picture her with that guy. Now picture yourself happily single and eventually meeting someone who you'll have an awesome relationship with. Look fwd to the future and don't dwell on the past.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Sorry she dropped that bombshell on you bro. That's a bad surprise and really was not cool of her. Ok you feel like an idiot ... and maybe rightly so. But you'll feel like even more of an idiot if you sit around heartbroken about your Ex for a year or two when you could be out meeting another woman or the right woman. No one said have a one night stand ... but no sex for a year? Come on bro. Getting out there NOW and meeting some women is, IMO, the best thing for you to do. The longer you postpone getting out, the longer your anguish will continue. The week my Ex dumped me another woman basically fell in my lap. I am actually a lot like you; I go for quite a while between GFs and don't really sleep around. This time I tried something different. I started dating the new one and having sex with her after a week or two. Was it uncomfortable and difficult to be with another woman so soon? Of course. But after a while I got more used to it. To be honest, it sure beats the hell out of sitting home alone in misery about my Ex. So get out there bro.
leftfield Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I'm really sorry to hear that someone has done that to you. I mean seriously, what a bitch. The worst thing is that you still love this girl and she knows it, yet she is quite prepared to tell you something like that right after you broke up, and for what - did she honestly think that it would help you to know? Absolutely not, she felt guilty so she somehow persuaded herself that "honesty is the best policy", but it was really just a way to assuage her guilt. It was all about her, she should not have done that to you. I found out some things I didn't want to hear about my ex recently, not quite what you've had dropped on you, but it's terrible to hear that someone you still have feelings for can move on from you so quickly, because it's almost like a double whammy - not only are you feeling the loss of losing someone, you also have to find out that your already fragile feelings, and indeed you as a person, are no longer worthy of being handled with care. The natural reaction is to take that very personally, but she is really just being a very selfish human being, which many and in fact most of us are at one time or another. Don't let her behaviour dictate you, take control. You said you felt "crushed", and that is exactly the right word, I know how you feel, but most of the crushing you are doing to yourself, torturing yourself with images etc. Unless she really is an utter cow and she really wanted to hurt you, she probably just told you those things because she felt a burden of guilt, and thoughtlessly transferred some of her crap onto you. As if you didn't have enough! You're not an idiot for "wimpering" over her, you're just really hurt, understandably so. If you're an idiot then so am I, and no doubt countless other people on here. I'm sure there will be people telling you to "man up", "get out there and meet other women" etc etc, easier said than done sometimes. However, you do need to pull it together and not let this consume you. Post your thoughts on here, read the responses and realise that other people do understand and empathise with you. But like Yah and Don Ho said, the future is now yours to mould as you see fit. The previous phase of your life is over, you have crystal clear clarity on that, so what you do with the next phase is entirely up to you. Do not give her any say in your future, no more contact with her of any sort, give yourself a slap every time you feel your mind slipping into thoughts about her and that tosser from work, and look after yourself my friend.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Amen. Move on bro. Believe me, I know what your heartache and anguish feel like. I agree, she told you to assuage HER guilt. It was classless and insensitive to you. That really shows you that she is all about HERSELF. IMO, THAT should show you that she is not the type of woman that you would want to have a relationship with. Get up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse. I know how difficult that is to do, but the sooner you can muster the energy to do that, I think the sooner you will move on emotionally. Hang in there, it gets better.
Chi townD Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 So, what was the point of unloading that **** on you? Why, out of all people, did she feel compeled to tell you that?!?! Did she want to rub your nose in it! I would have dropped a couple of bucks on the table and walked the hell out for good and not listen to her ramble any further. She's not worth your time Dude!
Lost Fish Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 So, what was the point of unloading that **** on you? Why, out of all people, did she feel compeled to tell you that?!?! Did she want to rub your nose in it! I would have dropped a couple of bucks on the table and walked the hell out for good and not listen to her ramble any further. She's not worth your time Dude! I agree 100%. In time you will find yourself getting angry at her over this. And it is completely justified. This emotional nuke she unleashed on you should be enough to actually help you get over her that much faster. But it still doesn't let her off the hook for feeling compelled to tell you something like that. How utterly selfish and gross of her.
a.lyons1 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Effing bitch, playing games, never be happy in life, n emotional vampire, and downright evil. DO you really want to be with a woman who is like this eh? Better off outof it mate.
Author jon3105 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Thank you so much for the encouragement everyone. The justification she used at the time for telling me was so that it would "help me realise that things were over for good". I'll admit, it did do exactly that, but I really wish she hadnt. In one way it's helped. As I said before I was really struggling with thinking of all the good times we had together, and now when my mind even tries to think of that stuff I just automatically remember those words "You're going to hate me" and conjure the images that follow. It still hurts, a lot. In fact moreso than before. But its more a pissed off hurt. Before I felt sorry for myself, blaming myself for a lot of the breakup. Whereas now I just feel gutted, but see her as a bitch and much less of a victim. I still find it incredibly hard to believe that this girl, who only a few weeks ago was so head over heels in love with me, and would do anything to be with me, is now off doing that kind of thing with someone else so soon afterwards. I had so many problems with her at the start of our relationship through her pot addiction and paranoia, and stuck through it with her, even going with her to get help until she was off the stuff. It just shows how people can change I guess. I dont plan to spend the next 18 months feeling sorry for myself like I did the last one. I'd love to meet someone new, if only to take my mind off all this and help focus on someone else. The only thing that makes me a little hesitant is that my confidence has taken a huge hit and I dont think I could face more rejection right now. I plan to get out of my current job and into something that gives me a bit more free time. Then hopefully I can hit the gym for a few weeks and start feeling good about myself again. Thanks again for the support!
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I dont plan to spend the next 18 months feeling sorry for myself like I did the last one. I'd love to meet someone new, if only to take my mind off all this and help focus on someone else. The only thing that makes me a little hesitant is that my confidence has taken a huge hit and I dont think I could face more rejection right now. Good! Of course it has and of course you can't. Can I suggest you join Match.com or Plenty of Fish? Put up some good pics and a profile and WAIT and see who contacts you. That will lessen you chance of rejection. Good luck!
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