Author Ash78 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 opt for the short-term pain rather than long-term pain and divorce her. Gorilla I wish it was that simple.. My head is getting to the right place to move on but there are things with this girl that keep dragging me back in. Today has been a good day but the bad days are really bad. Maybe after a couple of month I will be in a different mind set but at the moment I will forgive her. Only time will tell how the whole story will turn out.
Distant78 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Gorilla I wish it was that simple.. My head is getting to the right place to move on but there are things with this girl that keep dragging me back in. Today has been a good day but the bad days are really bad. Maybe after a couple of month I will be in a different mind set but at the moment I will forgive her. Only time will tell how the whole story will turn out. So you're going to forgive her that easily? Without her even putting the work in?
Author Ash78 Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 (edited) So you're going to forgive her that easily? Without her even putting the work in? There are no definates in this case. I did not think I could ever forgive the infidelity. The pressures on the marriage have been huge particularly over the last two to three years. I can accept that she inherited a lot of money and cut and run leaving me in the sh*t and there can be no excuse for that. This affair started one month before her mother died whilst she was very ill. There was an exposion two weeks after she died and I was not there for her cos my head was wedged up my azz. In answer to the origonal question "so you're going to forgive her that easily?" the simple answer is I do not know. I am playing everything by ear and taking one day at a time. When the situation arises that she wants to come back who knows where my head and my heart will be. Maybe she will never come back. Edited August 31, 2010 by Ash78
Darth Vader Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I get the message she is shagging the other man, she will not come back until he dumps her and I should move on with my life until the time he has finished having his fun. Yes I have thought about spying and I am in the process of tracking down his ex-partner to get the low down. I have also bought something that lets me know what they are up to. The origonal question was how to save my marriage! Why are you going to take her back, why are you going to accept her and her OM's sloppy spermy seconds? While you were faithful to her all this time, she's lying and riding this OM, don't you think you deserve better?? I do! DROP THE BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just move on without her ASS! Don't wait, that's exactly what she's counting on!
InceptorsRule Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Everyone's different, but I am pretty much of the belief that the vast majority of people don't radically change their attitudes and behavior patterns in late middle age, esp. when it comes to dealing with "relationships." It's difficult for me to believe that a woman in her 50's would out of the blue respond to stress in her life by deciding to cheat, never having done so before. That would mean if you accept what she is doing with this other guy right now is "cheating," then most likely she has cheated on you at various points in the past. However her ability to cover it up may have been successful in the past as well. First thing I would do is get your kids DNA tested to see if they are really yours. If they're already adults, explain the situation and ask them to voluntarily be DNA tested. You all have a right to know their true paternity.
Distant78 Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 Everyone's different, but I am pretty much of the belief that the vast majority of people don't radically change their attitudes and behavior patterns in late middle age, esp. when it comes to dealing with "relationships." It's difficult for me to believe that a woman in her 50's would out of the blue respond to stress in her life by deciding to cheat, never having done so before. That would mean if you accept what she is doing with this other guy right now is "cheating," then most likely she has cheated on you at various points in the past. However her ability to cover it up may have been successful in the past as well. First thing I would do is get your kids DNA tested to see if they are really yours. If they're already adults, explain the situation and ask them to voluntarily be DNA tested. You all have a right to know their true paternity. Exactly. You'd think that a woman that age would know how to handle most situations maturely and reasonably instead of resorting to another man as a woman who is 25 to 40 years old. I think she has been cheating on him throughout their marriage also.
whichwayisup Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Guys just to let you know I really appreciate the harsh advice. It is what I need at the moment. I know you are all talking sense but my heart is aching but my head remains rational. She wanted me to take the kids over night four night in two weeks and I have refused, she said I was just tryijng to stop her sex life but I told her that my sister (child care specialist) had stated that the kids need to be settled and in a routine and that I needed to get my head straight before I could take them. The upside is it curtailed her night time activities. I am going to speak, hopefully, with his ex to get an idea of the man. I really want to catch him out in some way time will tell. I think he is the weakness, there is no way he is going to have anything to do with my kids and I cannot see my wife bringing them up on her own. You need to get full custody of your kids, she's not considering the kids at all, she's more concerned about herself and her sex life. Consider going to counseling for yourself, to help you though this, to cope better so you can be the stable parent for your kids. They need that from you.
Author Ash78 Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 (edited) The latest on my story is on Tuesday someone sent the OM a text and this caused some concern between my wife and the OM enough to quiz me. I denyed any involvement and it was confirmed that the text did not come from my phone. On Thursday the OM ditched my wife as the OM's wife had received a letter and texts from someone and this had caused the OM problems. Again I confirmed that the texts nor the letter came from me. I am about to pick my kids up so should be able to gauge the mood of my wife. Things have been very good recently with a lot of talking going on but my wife still saying that she doesn't know how she feels about me and is going to see a psycologist a week on Tuesday. This little incident has not helped and whilst she is 99% certain that I am not involved she still has that 1% doubt. I am hopeful that a reconsiliation is possible. But it is not guaranteed what can I do if anything to push this in the right direction? Edited September 25, 2010 by Ash78
eamherst14051 Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I am totally amazed at how much crap certain men will endure for the "love of their life", aka wife. I am attracted to strong women and strong women don't pull this junk on guys.
hopesndreams Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Your W has zero respect for you. No respect=no love. You are being an extreme wuss at the moment because you're not thinking with your brain. You are just running on pure emotion. A few months from now you are going to look back on this and kick yourself, hard. Guaranteed. Perhaps look into some therapy for yourself? Find out why your self-worth and self-respect are non-existent and DO something about it. Once that is figured out and the W wants to reconcile or NOT, you will be in a much better place. Your W cheated. That alone will and can destroy you, BUT only if you let it. Self-preservation is what you need. You can live life without her. Imagine a life without the lies and deceit. It truly is wonderful.
Author Ash78 Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 Your W has zero respect for you. No respect=no love. You are being an extreme wuss at the moment because you're not thinking with your brain. You are just running on pure emotion. A few months from now you are going to look back on this and kick yourself, hard. Guaranteed. Perhaps look into some therapy for yourself? Find out why your self-worth and self-respect are non-existent and DO something about it. Once that is figured out and the W wants to reconcile or NOT, you will be in a much better place. Your W cheated. That alone will and can destroy you, BUT only if you let it. Self-preservation is what you need. You can live life without her. Imagine a life without the lies and deceit. It truly is wonderful. I could be completely derogatory to you but I will not lower myself. I am no wuss and I have got plenty of self respect. The point of this is that my wife regardless of what has occured is a truly remarkable woman and one well worth the effort. If I thought that this was an affair with no other issues present I certainly would not be chasing her but there is sufficient evidence to suggest that she is mentally unwell/exhausted and it is for that reason that I am fighting for the marriage. Thaanks for your help and sympathy NOT
hopesndreams Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 (edited) Have you been to the Marriage Builders site? There are just too many people on this site, LS, that will steer you toward living a life free of misery and then helping with the transitions of such. There isn't much hand holding here for someone wanting to stay with a cheater. Edited September 25, 2010 by hopesndreams
silverfish Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I could be completely derogatory to you but I will not lower myself. I am no wuss and I have got plenty of self respect. The point of this is that my wife regardless of what has occured is a truly remarkable woman and one well worth the effort. If I thought that this was an affair with no other issues present I certainly would not be chasing her but there is sufficient evidence to suggest that she is mentally unwell/exhausted and it is for that reason that I am fighting for the marriage. Thaanks for your help and sympathy NOT I didn't see that particular post as derogatory, especially compared to the 'tough love' posts previously made in your thread (mostly by men?!) - why pick on this one? Interesting.... That anger right up there in your post - that's going to have to come out at some point. It sounds to me like you don't want to upset your W by telling her how you really feel (angry, hurt, used?) in case she drops you. Your W should be 'fighting for the marriage' and no one has an affair with 'no other issues present'. I know you are really new to this, but your W just had her new relationship outed by her BFs wife - just go over to the other woman / man forum on LS to see how often that actually ends the sexual relationship (there are people still in affairs years later) Also, read how genuinely remorseful cheating spouses behave and reconcile after an affair.
Author Ash78 Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 I didn't see that particular post as derogatory, especially compared to the 'tough love' posts previously made in your thread (mostly by men?!) - why pick on this one? Interesting.... That anger right up there in your post - that's going to have to come out at some point. It sounds to me like you don't want to upset your W by telling her how you really feel (angry, hurt, used?) in case she drops you. Your W should be 'fighting for the marriage' and no one has an affair with 'no other issues present'. I know you are really new to this, but your W just had her new relationship outed by her BFs wife - just go over to the other woman / man forum on LS to see how often that actually ends the sexual relationship (there are people still in affairs years later) Also, read how genuinely remorseful cheating spouses behave and reconcile after an affair. Silverfish It was the part about the wuss and self respect that I felt is derogatory I am Ok with the "tough love" that I have received and am happy to listen to different opinionss and make my own mind up. I know there are issues in the marriage that need addressed and I am prepared to address them. My W was starting to come round to me when this occured she has again put the shutters part way up and I am having to take them down. The only way we can reconsile is if the issues are addressed. If we do not address them in 6 months to a year they will raise their head again and we will be back where we started. My wife is very sensitive and whilst she still is not admitting this is an affair I am taking it as such and dealing with it accordingly. She has admitted to being emotionally exhausted and that I can fully understand given our recent history. I am trying to find people who have been through what I am going through and give me some assistence to get my wife to restart our marriage. All I seem to be getting is people who want to tell me to forget her and go and find someone who will appreciate me. I my head I can move on but I do not want to do that until I know for sure that there is absolutely no hope for the marriage I have. That way in 10 years time when the kids ask why mummy and daddy split up I can categorically say that I did everything possible to save the marriage.
Iconoclast Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Have you been to the Marriage Builders site? ... There isn't much hand holding here for someone wanting to stay with a cheater. I mentioned this to you earlier. Go over to Marriage Builders, there is a lot of great information on reconciliation for free. Posting there as well is good if you are going to forge ahead and try to repair, they are very good at hand holding, and are all about reconciliation. But oh boy, just read some of the threads, it can be a real nightmare. I don't think I would have the stamina to go that route.
FryFish Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I am trying to find people who have been through what I am going through and give me some assistence to get my wife to restart our marriage. All I seem to be getting is people who want to tell me to forget her and go and find someone who will appreciate me. I my head I can move on but I do not want to do that until I know for sure that there is absolutely no hope for the marriage I have. That way in 10 years time when the kids ask why mummy and daddy split up I can categorically say that I did everything possible to save the marriage. She is NOT going to try while she is still seeing her OM in ANY capacity. OUT THEM! You have to OUT THEM and hope that the cheating OM goes groveling back to HIS WIFE and leaves yours alone. After that you have to make yourself almost COMPLETELY unavailable to your wife. She cant miss you if you are always there like some wussy little puppy dog. Its called the 180.... Look it up.
Author Ash78 Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 She is NOT going to try while she is still seeing her OM in ANY capacity. OUT THEM! You have to OUT THEM and hope that the cheating OM goes groveling back to HIS WIFE and leaves yours alone. After that you have to make yourself almost COMPLETELY unavailable to your wife. She cant miss you if you are always there like some wussy little puppy dog. Its called the 180.... Look it up. Fryfish He was outed last week and as you say he has gone scurrying back to his wife. My wife on the otherhand was starting to come round to the idea of us getting back together but this outing has pushed us back a little. I have told her how I feel but I am not fussing around her like "some wussy little puppy dog". I will try to be a little more unavailable certainly before the OM left the stage it did have an impact.
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