Saving my marriage

[Ash78]

My wife and I have been separated now for 5 weeks but we are now talking in fact when I dropped the kids off last night I offered to help sort her laptop and she invited me up to her flat. Once there we chatted for 3 and a half hours and we had a meal with the kids.

 

Upshot is she has a male freind who she assures me is a freind with no sexual relationship. This started before the split and she has spent a night in a hotel with him but again she assures me that nothing happened.

 

I am accepting of this and want to win her heart back. She says she loves me but is not in love with me.

 

I know the marriage broke down because of stress factors that include a failed/failing business, money worries increasing debt, loss of driving licence, difficulties with communication, an elderly relating firstly coming to stay and then a month after leaving dying.

 

We didn't speak for three weeks and now we are talking regularly and well. When we talk we talk for an hour or more usually outside while the kids go to the flat to play. I am trying not to push her away but am trying to keep her close as well. Too much too soon will finish. I am beginning to build trust again.

 

The first issue that I need to resolve is the substantial debt that has accumulated and to try and raise the income of my business or get a job which in the current climate is extremely difficult.

 

I have a project that is likely to at least halve the debt in one go.

 

Can anyone give me advice on what I can do to keep my wife interested and hopefully bring her back to me?

[edgeofdarkness]

become the other guy.

 

u really think she is telling the truth when she talks about another guy, dude trust me she is banging him or very soon will becos if she says there is another guy, he is more than just a friend.

no woman about to go thru a divorce finds another guy and doesnt have sex with him, shes with him, and you better get yr life together becos this one is over, thats my opinion, but i think others will say the same, no person has an opp.sex friend with no strings, in a sitch like this one...

[WalkingOnEggs]

If she spent a night in a hotel room with him there's pretty much a 99.99% chance they had sex.

 

She's probably trying to let you down easy and/or keeping you as a possible backup. She's gone, for now.

 

Your best bet is to keep being upbeat and positive. Work out, develop ouside interests. Next, date someone else and make sure she finds out. That'll likely start her thinking about the possibility of losing you.

[Ash78]

If she spent a night in a hotel room with him there's pretty much a 99.99% chance they had sex.

 

She's probably trying to let you down easy and/or keeping you as a possible backup. She's gone, for now.

 

Your best bet is to keep being upbeat and positive. Work out, develop ouside interests. Next, date someone else and make sure she finds out. That'll likely start her thinking about the possibility of losing you.

 

It is interesting that everyone is saying that she is having sex. I have one freind who says it is possible and she has slept with a guy without the sex in a hotel room. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt at present.

 

I need to find out more about this guy and preferably talk to his ex wife to get some insight. My wife is 51 with two kids 7 & 8. I cannot see this guy taking that lot on at 50 to 54 no matter how smitted he is. My wife is way too clever to leave without a back up plan so it is possible that she is keeping me on the hook. We are talking alot and it is only a matter of time before she says something that will give her away so I will know for sure the score at some point. Having said all of that I have said if this guy makes her more happy than me I will let her go. (I am potentially a mug)

 

I have been seeing other people and my wife knows about it. Have done some internet dating just to keep my mind occupied and have my own "freind" who my wife knows came to the marital home and helped me make a pizza. She didn't seem too bothered.

 

There is a wrangle going on about money at the moment and we are playing mind games. She thinks I am totally in love with her and will not do anything to jeperdise a reconsilliation. This is true in the most part but my head and my heart are capable of different things. Whilst my heart still clings on in hope my head is making contingency plans.

[Distant78]

My wife and I have been separated now for 5 weeks but we are now talking in fact when I dropped the kids off last night I offered to help sort her laptop and she invited me up to her flat. Once there we chatted for 3 and a half hours and we had a meal with the kids.

 

Wow.

 

Upshot is she has a male freind who she assures me is a freind with no sexual relationship. This started before the split and she has spent a night in a hotel with him but again she assures me that nothing happened.

 

She's just gaslighting you to keep you as a safety net. She has her own home and she goes to a hotel with this guy? If you think she's not screwing him then we can't help you.

 

I am accepting of this and want to win her heart back. She says she loves me but is not in love with me.

 

She said this to you? Oh yea, she gave you the classic line from Cheaters101. If she gave you that line she's cheating.

 

I know the marriage broke down because of stress factors that include a failed/failing business, money worries increasing debt, loss of driving licence, difficulties with communication, an elderly relating firstly coming to stay and then a month after leaving dying.

 

No, it doesn't matter how bad the marriage was, what she did was below the belt and there were other ways to fix the problems, not giving up so easily and resorting to another man. It is not your fault for what she's doing.

 

We didn't speak for three weeks and now we are talking regularly and well. When we talk we talk for an hour or more usually outside while the kids go to the flat to play. I am trying not to push her away but am trying to keep her close as well. Too much too soon will finish. I am beginning to build trust again.

 

Don't bother trying to reestablish trust, because its already destroyed. She moved out to the point of even getting her own place and leaving her life all for a 10 minute orgasm.

 

The first issue that I need to resolve is the substantial debt that has accumulated and to try and raise the income of my business or get a job which in the current climate is extremely difficult.

 

Just focus on that right now and don't worry so much about what she's doing.

 

I have a project that is likely to at least halve the debt in one go.

 

Then don't persue it.

 

Can anyone give me advice on what I can do to keep my wife interested and hopefully bring her back to me?

 

Here's some advice: focus on yourself and your kids and she may come back. If she doesn't, then keep focusing on your job/debt, and health and confidence so that you can provide a good life for your kids because there will be a woman out there who will love you for what you are worth. Plain and simple. You don't need a book to know this stuff.

[Distant78]

It is interesting that everyone is saying that she is having sex. I have one freind who says it is possible and she has slept with a guy without the sex in a hotel room. I am giving her the benefit of the doubt at present.

 

Wow. Who sleeps with another man in a hotel room (never mind the fact she's married) and not have any type of sexual contact what so ever? Ridiculous. Even IF she didn't screw him, the fact that she slept in a bed without you and with someone else is a cause for divorce. Like I said, you're in denial and if you think she's not boning this guy then you need to face the music.

 

I need to find out more about this guy and preferably talk to his ex wife to get some insight. My wife is 51 with two kids 7 & 8. I cannot see this guy taking that lot on at 50 to 54 no matter how smitted he is. My wife is way too clever to leave without a back up plan so it is possible that she is keeping me on the hook. We are talking alot and it is only a matter of time before she says something that will give her away so I will know for sure the score at some point. Having said all of that I have said if this guy makes her more happy than me I will let her go. (I am potentially a mug)

 

Wow again. I take it you must be also in you're early fifties. This is a classic tale of a milf having sex with a young stud. She's 51 years old and she's trying to have wild sex? How immature she is. You'd think women that age would've grown up by then. I also take it this guy is about 15 to 30 years younger than her also, so in that sense, both of them are mostly with each other for the sex and you're right: this guy will dump her soon after he gets tired of her and will find her unattractive when she gets older. But if I were you I wouldn't stick around to find out.

 

I have been seeing other people and my wife knows about it. Have done some internet dating just to keep my mind occupied and have my own "freind" who my wife knows came to the marital home and helped me make a pizza. She didn't seem too bothered.

 

I would suggest holding off on dating until the ink on the divorce papers are signed.

[Ash78]

Wow. Who sleeps with another man in a hotel room (never mind the fact she's married) and not have any type of sexual contact what so ever? Ridiculous. Even IF she didn't screw him, the fact that she slept in a bed without you and with someone else is a cause for divorce. Like I said, you're in denial and if you think she's not boning this guy then you need to face the music.

 

 

 

Wow again. I take it you must be also in you're early fifties. This is a classic tale of a milf having sex with a young stud. She's 51 years old and she's trying to have wild sex? How immature she is. You'd think women that age would've grown up by then. I also take it this guy is about 15 to 30 years younger than her also, so in that sense, both of them are mostly with each other for the sex and you're right: this guy will dump her soon after he gets tired of her and will find her unattractive when she gets older. But if I were you I wouldn't stick around to find out.

 

 

 

I would suggest holding off on dating until the ink on the divorce papers are signed.

 

Distant

Interestingly enough she is dating a guy who from the electoral register is somewhere between 50 and 54. I on the otherhand am the toyboy at 46. She looks okey at the moment but I have noticed that she is showing signs of aging and she is painfully thin. size 6 (UK)

I have suspicions that this guy is a womaniser and have found out that he lived with a woman from 2004 to 2009 who I am tracing at the moment I need to find out who the guy is for the sake of my kids.

I do think it will burn itself out quickly. My heart and my head are in to different places. My heart wants her back my head is still doing a lot of digging. If I walk away I am worried about how my kids will fare in the long run. She inherited a flat and an amount of money and potentially will inherit a substantial sum from her father.

I can easily move on and have been out with women at 36 to 39. I think I will look for a younger woman. :-)

[whichwayisup]

Upshot is she has a male freind who she assures me is a freind with no sexual relationship. This started before the split and she has spent a night in a hotel with him but again she assures me that nothing happened.

 

Stay separated. Keep contact because of the kids, but close your heart off from her. She is into that guy, whether or not they had sex doesn't matter, fact is, he IS a factor in all this. Don't even consider working on the marriage for a long (LONG) time. She will need to show you true and real remorse, want to put in effort and work on herself, as well as do marriage counselling. She's nowhere near ready for that. Live your life, let her live hers, and make it clear - The other man is to be NOWHERE near your kids!

 

Focus on you, your children and healing. You have to see her as a woman you once loved and married, but right now she is NOT that woman you fell inlove with, and created a family with. She is selfish, a cheater and betrayer. She's made bad choices which hurt you and your family unit..

[Darth Vader]

Stay separated. Keep contact because of the kids, but close your heart off from her. She is into that guy, whether or not they had sex doesn't matter, fact is, he IS a factor in all this. Don't even consider working on the marriage for a long (LONG) time. She will need to show you true and real remorse, want to put in effort and work on herself, as well as do marriage counselling. She's nowhere near ready for that. Live your life, let her live hers, and make it clear - The other man is to be NOWHERE near your kids!

 

Focus on you, your children and healing. You have to see her as a woman you once loved and married, but right now she is NOT that woman you fell inlove with, and created a family with. She is selfish, a cheater and betrayer. She's made bad choices which hurt you and your family unit..

 

 

Yep, your wife's Riding another man, that's for sure! Wake UP MAN, we all can see it, shoot, Ray Charles could see she's banging this "friend" guy! And he's NO "friend" to you!

[Ash78]

Yep, your wife's Riding another man, that's for sure! Wake UP MAN, we all can see it, shoot, Ray Charles could see she's banging this "friend" guy! And he's NO "friend" to you!

 

You lot are harsh but probably right. There is no fool like an old fool I hope she knows what she is doing cos bringing up kids on your own is difficult but when you are in your 50's and they are so young she is going to have a very hard time.

[Iconoclast]

Harsh, yeah. Go read about a thousand threads. Then you'll know that "I love you but not in love with you" almost always means affair. Combine that with the overnight motel stay and I'm now 100% sure.

You're in deep denial, we see if all the time. Time to get tough and hard, or lose her if she is not already gone.

You need to spy and find out what is really going on, don't say a word while you're doing this, no matter what you find.

 

"Upshot is she has a male freind who she assures me is a freind with no sexual relationship. This started before the split and she has spent a night in a hotel with him but again she assures me that nothing happened."

 

Upshot? Oh god. Really. If a friend told you this you would laugh at him.

[Ash78]

Harsh, yeah. Go read about a thousand threads. Then you'll know that "I love you but not in love with you" almost always means affair. Combine that with the overnight motel stay and I'm now 100% sure.

You're in deep denial, we see if all the time. Time to get tough and hard, or lose her if she is not already gone.

You need to spy and find out what is really going on, don't say a word while you're doing this, no matter what you find.

 

"Upshot is she has a male freind who she assures me is a freind with no sexual relationship. This started before the split and she has spent a night in a hotel with him but again she assures me that nothing happened."

 

Upshot? Oh god. Really. If a friend told you this you would laugh at him.

 

I get the message she is shagging the other man, she will not come back until he dumps her and I should move on with my life until the time he has finished having his fun.

 

Yes I have thought about spying and I am in the process of tracking down his ex-partner to get the low down. I have also bought something that lets me know what they are up to.

 

The origonal question was how to save my marriage!

[Iconoclast]

You have to kill the affair first. Exsposure! That's why you need evidence.

[stillafool]

become the other guy.

 

u really think she is telling the truth when she talks about another guy, dude trust me she is banging him or very soon will becos if she says there is another guy, he is more than just a friend.

no woman about to go thru a divorce finds another guy and doesnt have sex with him, shes with him, and you better get yr life together becos this one is over, thats my opinion, but i think others will say the same, no person has an opp.sex friend with no strings, in a sitch like this one...

 

I agree. More than likely he is someone she has developed romantic interest in. If they didn't have sex, she laid in his arms all night and I gurantee you she has kissed him. You said that she told you she loves you but isn't in love with you. That's because she is falling in love with him. She still has her kids to worry about and support.

[whichwayisup]

The origonal question was how to save my marriage!

 

Please re-read my earlier reply to you.

 

You cannot save your marriage until your wife suffers and feels the consquences of her selfish choices, feels the loss of you and what you've provided for her over the years. She needs to SHOW you genuine remorse and want to fix herself so this never happens again. To prove to you that she is worthy of a second chance to earn your trust back again. So far, she's NOWHERE close to this.

 

DO NOT take her back immediately if things go south between her and the OM. If you do, she will just turn around and cheat on you again with the OM or with someone else. Hope this makes sense to you.

[Ash78]

Please re-read my earlier reply to you.

 

You cannot save your marriage until your wife suffers and feels the consquences of her selfish choices, feels the loss of you and what you've provided for her over the years. She needs to SHOW you genuine remorse and want to fix herself so this never happens again. To prove to you that she is worthy of a second chance to earn your trust back again. So far, she's NOWHERE close to this.

 

DO NOT take her back immediately if things go south between her and the OM. If you do, she will just turn around and cheat on you again with the OM or with someone else. Hope this makes sense to you.

 

 

Guys just to let you know I really appreciate the harsh advice. It is what I need at the moment. I know you are all talking sense but my heart is aching but my head remains rational.

 

She wanted me to take the kids over night four night in two weeks and I have refused, she said I was just tryijng to stop her sex life but I told her that my sister (child care specialist) had stated that the kids need to be settled and in a routine and that I needed to get my head straight before I could take them. The upside is it curtailed her night time activities.

 

I am going to speak, hopefully, with his ex to get an idea of the man. I really want to catch him out in some way time will tell. I think he is the weakness, there is no way he is going to have anything to do with my kids and I cannot see my wife bringing them up on her own.

Edited August 30, 2010 by Ash78

[GorillaTheater]

Guys just to let you know I really appreciate the harsh advice. It is what I need at the moment. I know you are all talking sense but my heart is aching but my head remains rational.

 

She wanted me to take the kids over night four night in two weeks and I have refused, she said I was just tryijng to stop her sex life but I told her that my sister (child care specialist) had stated that the kids need to be settled and in a routine and that I needed to get my head straight before I could take them. The upside is it curtailed her night time activities.

 

I am going to speak, hopefully, with his ex to get an idea of the man. I really want to catch him out in some way time will tell. I think he is the weakness, there is no way he is going to have anything to do with my kids and I cannot see my wife bringing them up on her own.

 

A little intel on the OM is probably okay, and I suppose may even prove useful. But he's not your problem, your wife is. All the advice you're getting is correct and yes, it IS counterintuitive: you have to stop listening to your heart and DETACH if you want the best chance to save your marriage, and most importantly save yourself regardless of what happens.

 

Best way to lose your marriage for good? Follow her around. Bring up talks on your relationship and the future. Make it clear that you're waiting for her to come to her senses, and that you'll accept crumbs in the meantime. In short, be a doormat. Talk about attraction-killers.

 

Step back. Detach. Live your life without her. Stay calm, cool and confident. Maybe that'll save your marriage and maybe it won't, but it's your best chance and if nothing else you'll at least salvage your integrity.

[WalkingOnEggs]

How about you stop using your kids as a tool and instead let them come over so you can spend time with them.

 

You're not going to get her to come back to you with stupid attempts to screw up her sex life. She'll hire a baysitter or have the guy come over.

 

Accept that she found another guy for now and your best bet is to act like it doesn't bother you. Meanwhile you're still a father to your kids. You need to accept that role.

[Ash78]

How about you stop using your kids as a tool and instead let them come over so you can spend time with them.

 

You're not going to get her to come back to you with stupid attempts to screw up her sex life. She'll hire a baysitter or have the guy come over.

 

Accept that she found another guy for now and your best bet is to act like it doesn't bother you. Meanwhile you're still a father to your kids. You need to accept that role.

 

 

I still have my kids I just cannot take them over night because I can't look after myself properly yet and what my sister said.

 

My wife has made it clear that I am not going to stop her doing what she wants and I am certainly not going to try.

[Ash78]

A little intel on the OM is probably okay, and I suppose may even prove useful. But he's not your problem, your wife is. All the advice you're getting is correct and yes, it IS counterintuitive: you have to stop listening to your heart and DETACH if you want the best chance to save your marriage, and most importantly save yourself regardless of what happens.

 

Best way to lose your marriage for good? Follow her around. Bring up talks on your relationship and the future. Make it clear that you're waiting for her to come to her senses, and that you'll accept crumbs in the meantime. In short, be a doormat. Talk about attraction-killers.

 

Step back. Detach. Live your life without her. Stay calm, cool and confident. Maybe that'll save your marriage and maybe it won't, but it's your best chance and if nothing else you'll at least salvage your integrity.

 

 

I have stayed calm managed to get her to speak to me after 3 weeks of silence. Have managed to get the solicitors called off to give us an oportunity to talk and discuss things.

 

I need to stop telling her I love her. I have told her I will fight for the marriage but will just have to wait and see what happens.

 

The last few days I have started to sort my head.

 

I did ask a freind outright about the hotel and you guys are right he said they were at it.

[Distant78]

The others are right. Don't worry about her "sex life" (whatever that is) or her for that matter. Let her do what she feels because sooner or later its going to bite her in the azz. What you really need to focus on right now is yourself, your employment status and finances, and your kids. The time for confrontation will not come now, but when you will be able to live without her.

[Iconoclast]

Pop over to Marriage Builders and read up on plan A and exposure. Read some of the threads. You want to fight for your marriage? Prepare for hell.

[hopesndreams]

You say your head is in the right place. It isn't, unfortunately.

 

If it were, you'd know she was a cheating, lying piece of trash and that you deserve better.

 

Your heart is ruling you right now. That's normal. Fight it with all you can.

 

She's gone Ash.

 

Acceptance of that is the next step.

[Ash78]

Acceptance of that is the next step.

 

I am coming to terms with that. There is nothing I can do everything has to come from my wife.

 

I know that I am loyal honest and hard working and despite screwing up a business expansion plan I can hold my head high and say I have done everything I can.

 

I have files and letters for the kids when they are older of they ask.

[GorillaTheater]

Hopes may be right, perhaps your head isn't in the place it needs to be. But it seems to me that you're getting there.

 

You say that you've confirmed that your wife had sex with this guy? Or at least as close to confirmation as you can get without an outright confession or videotape? Then opt for the short-term pain rather than long-term pain and divorce her.