SamWest Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Hi all, I hate writing these things. Long story short, met my partner 5 years ago. Year 1 - end of year one made the 1st discovery of him net dating. Year 2 - knew the net dating was still going on, but he was supposidely done with it. Year 3 - realised the net dating was nothing compared to the cam shows and vulgar pictures of himself he was sending and similar he was receiving, the usual him naked, her naked etc. Year 4 This stuff stopped, I was never entirely convinced but now believe it was over. Were into year 5, I believe all of that is over with but I am so insecure. Since I discovered the net dating, I hate myself! I hate seeing myself in the mirror and I feel like the ugliest most annoying person alive. I have absolutely no self confidence. I am an entirely different person. People actually used to describe me as bubbly. Hes said to me that Ive changed, Ive become a nag,I feel hes made me like this. I dunno, Im lost, Ive never been so lonely in my life. I feel like nothing, I feel like I have no security and im afraid to mention marriage or anything in the future. I need to get back to old me, he has a way of knocking me though when Im up, he`l say something and it just sets me off. Recently Ive started scraping myself as a sort of release, Im 29 so should be past all thi stuff. Im lost.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 When it takes a very long time to fix a problem that should have been fixed in a short period, it can be too late to trust again. I think this is what has happened to you. You felt that this issue should have been immediately addressed, honesty and openly, and respectfully. For this behavior to take 3 years or whatever it was to stop, only points to that this partner had an addiction. I know. Porn addiction was one of my partner's addictions. He had others. It took too many years for the behavior to stop, and never really did, and then, finally, I just gave up. It destroys intimacy. Not everything broken can be put back together again.
Author SamWest Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 When it takes a very long time to fix a problem that should have been fixed in a short period, it can be too late to trust again. I think this is what has happened to you. You felt that this issue should have been immediately addressed, honesty and openly, and respectfully. For this behavior to take 3 years or whatever it was to stop, only points to that this partner had an addiction. I know. Porn addiction was one of my partner's addictions. He had others. It took too many years for the behavior to stop, and never really did, and then, finally, I just gave up. It destroys intimacy. Not everything broken can be put back together again. I forgave and forgave and forgot too at the start. Im stupid, I should of walked when it first happened. Porn I could live with, thats just masturbation. But this, I saw a message that will always stick with me, it was the week after valentines and Id gone all out for him, the next week I saw a message from him to a random woman who asked him what he did for valentines, it read" I did nothing just met a frend". I dont know if i should go with, hes done it its over, get on with things. At this stage, I forgave so many times in the past and got hurt that I dont think Im able to love him again. I dont let myself fall back in love if that makes sense. such a ****ed up mess.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Listen, you have to take care of your own feelings, especially if someone who you have trusted your entire life to by marrying, doesn't take care of those feelings. What is this "scraping" you are doing to yourself?
Author SamWest Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Listen, you have to take care of your own feelings, especially if someone who you have trusted your entire life to by marrying, doesn't take care of those feelings. What is this "scraping" you are doing to yourself? Nothing major, just when I feel backed into a corner and dont want to be accused of nagging again, or if he says something upsetting, I scrape my stomach or legs just with my own nails. A couple of time Ive done deep enough scratches. It helps me vent,I cant be accused of taking anything out on him then to be honest it feels good, feels good to feel something again.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 This isn't much different from "cutting". I suggest you talk to a therapist before it gets out of control. Subduing your own feelings in order to pacify someone else isn't a good idea. It doesn't solve anything for you, or your marriage. Like I said, if someone isn't taking care of your feelings, then you need to take care of yourself. That includes taking care of your body by not hurting yourself.
Author SamWest Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 This isn't much different from "cutting". I suggest you talk to a therapist before it gets out of control. Subduing your own feelings in order to pacify someone else isn't a good idea. It doesn't solve anything for you, or your marriage. Like I said, if someone isn't taking care of your feelings, then you need to take care of yourself. That includes taking care of your body by not hurting yourself. Thanks for listening Im at a stage where I think Ive compromised si much that Im not even the same person I was anymore. Ive also lost contact with a lot of my frends and stopped going out, I just got sick of being ignored in public by him and also felt like he was always on the lookout for something better. I do realise how pathetic I sound. I feel invisible at times.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I isolated myself a lot too. I did this because I didn't want to share how nasty I felt about my life and marriage. Putting on a facade and pretending things were lovely made me even more sick, because I didn't want to be a fraud. I also didn't want to burden friends with my troubles, so I didn't want to share them. This is what you can do: Get out there and either seek out your friends again, or in the meantime, until you are ready to talk to them, start a new interest. I stumbled upon a new interest/hobby that became my means of supporting myself these days. When you have an interest-love-passion-for an activity, or creativity, that is all about you and not about your marriage/husband, it is freeing because it isn't a heavy emotional experience, and it rejuvenates your energy to live. It's all about finding something in life to enjoy, despite what he has done to your self-esteem and confidence. I too didn't like going out in public with him, because after a porn addiction I never knew what girls reminded him of porn vids, what girls he would be imagining in a porn vid, what girls he would be wanting to make a porn vid with, you get the idea, it goes on and on. It can really shake you up when the person you have trusted your life and heart to ignores your emotional needs. I know, I've been there. It still hurts sometimes. I am going through a divorce now. I am not trying to convince you to get a divorce. But...in the end, you have to save your own life, by whatever means necessary. Save your heart, save your life, save your love for life from disappearing. This is the stage you are at. Your are writing here because you have made it to the stage of needing to save yourself. It took me years too. If you read up on sex addiction, you will find that these people have a deep seated fear of true and real intimacy. Plug "sex addiction" "fear of intimacy" into google and read. But read only enough to understand what you have been dealing with. Then stop reading. Why? Because it's not about HIM. Your life is about you, and you need to stop codependency behaviors. The first step to stopping codependency behaviors is to stop focusing your attention and energy on the addict, and instead start to focus on yourself, your life, how you want to improve, what goals you want to achieve, what your dreams are, independent of anything the addict does. This is why I suggested that you find a passion and pursue it.
SoConfusledandHurt Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Im sorry if I sounded insincere...its just something my granny told me when I was in a relationship much like yours. I took on his son as my own, with no intentions of replacing mommy, just be a great role model in his life. I helped with all the bills while he quit every job where someone pissed him off. I worked round the clock to make money for his habits...which soon turned into a HUGE struggle. I know how hard it is to be in public with your man but feel invisible or not even happy to have people around you at all. You are feeling depression...and you have to work on that! Dont wait until you see the pregnancy test to determine its time to leave. Thats what happened to me...I knew then I couldnt be with him anymore and his love hurt too much.
willowthewisp Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 This isn't much different from "cutting". I suggest you talk to a therapist before it gets out of control. Subduing your own feelings in order to pacify someone else isn't a good idea. It doesn't solve anything for you, or your marriage. Like I said, if someone isn't taking care of your feelings, then you need to take care of yourself. That includes taking care of your body by not hurting yourself. This is excellent advice. He's calling you a nag? Well why are you "nagging", I'll tell you why, not because you are a nag, because he is not hearing your emotional needs. If he was, then you wouldn't have to keep repeating them would you? I'm getting the feeling that this is a very selfish guy? But that could just be me projecting my own hurts on your situation? Please seek help for the self harm.
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Fix "you". Do therapy, gain self confidence, find yourself again. Learn to "love and respect" you and maybe you'll realize being with someone who you can't trust, someone who makes you feel bad, crazy, insecure is worth walking away from.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Fix "you". Do therapy, gain self confidence, find yourself again. Learn to "love and respect" you and maybe you'll realize being with someone who you can't trust, someone who makes you feel bad, crazy, insecure is worth walking away from. Here is some more excellent advice, but this advice above is usually disregarded. The victim mentality can run so deep that the person can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps can't even find the tunnel. OP-Life will change if you do the above. But it won't change if you disregard that very important advice, carry on status quo, and expect things to change without you exerting your power on them.
Author SamWest Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Thank you so much guys for taking time to respond. I really needed to get it all out. Never in my life have I felt so alone. The worst part is I dont want frends or anybody around me, I actually like to cry. Thats pretty f`d up I know but it makes me feel good. Ive become so bitter, I hate everyone and everything, I dunno Im not in a good place right now. I already feel single, Im just ignored, never any praise for anything and his frends are the best in the world, I come 3rd to his frends and a laptop. The things Ive done, I practicallly jump up and down for attention. He only notices me when Im upset and he asks whats wrong, but gets really annoyed with me, he knows already whats up, Ive told him enough times. He noticed some marks on me the other night, stuff Id done myself, it was obvious markings. I said I didnt know what happened, he just went to sleep. I lay there and cried.
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