SamWest Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Hi all, I hate writing these things. Long story short, met my partner 5 years ago. Year 1 - end of year one made the 1st discovery of him net dating. Year 2 - knew the net dating was still going on, but he was supposidely done with it. Year 3 - realised the net dating was nothing compared to the cam shows and vulgar pictures of himself he was sending and similar he was receiving, the usual him naked, her naked etc. Year 4 This stuff stopped, I was never entirely convinced but now believe it was over. Were into year 5, I believe all of that is over with but I am so insecure. Since I discovered the net dating, I hate myself! I hate seeing myself in the mirror and I feel like the ugliest most annoying person alive. I have absolutely no self confidence. I am an entirely different person. People actually used to describe me as bubbly. Hes said to me that Ive changed, Ive become a nag,I feel hes made me like this. I dunno, Im lost, Ive never been so lonely in my life. I feel like nothing, I feel like I have no security and im afraid to mention marriage or anything in the future. I need to get back to old me, he has a way of knocking me though when Im up, he`l say something and it just sets me off. Recently Ive started scraping myself as a sort of release, Im 29 so should be past all thi stuff. Im lost.
LisaLee Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Good Lord... how did you and this guy even get past year 2? Dump him, he is not worth that heart ache.
Author SamWest Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Good Lord... how did you and this guy even get past year 2? Dump him, he is not worth that heart ache. The 1st time, I went with everybody deserves a 2nd chance and I was head over heels, but it niggled away at me. Then I serioulsy considered walking in year 2, he talked me around, I actually thought maybe I had imagined the entire thing, and then after that to be honest my self confidence dropped so much that I just stayed put. I dunno, I cry a lot and I really do not feel good about myself. I just want him to make me feel secure.
LisaLee Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 He is not going to ever make you feel secure. Ask yourself, why would you wants security from this guy, anyway? From year 1 he was not faithful to you. In fact, he probably has never been faithful to you, the entire 5 years that you have been together. It seems like you are wasting your life with him, and he is turning you into something you don't like. I know it is easy to say to dump him, and 5 years is a lot of emotional investment, but this guys sounds very poisonous. No good is going to come out of your relationship with him. You know you need to move on, everyone who reads this thread will know it as well. It is just a matter of whether you are brave enough to leave this guy.
Author SamWest Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 The thing is I know all that stiffs stopped now, I cant helop but feel too little too late and I just cant forget everything thats gone on. Ive turned very bitter, Ive in a way disconnected a lot from the situation, I do cry but Ive gine somewhat numb, I actually often think how it was better when I had it in me to get angry but now Im just drained from it all. He is making more of an effort but I am hurt and cant seem to get over this.
lala82 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 It seems that your relationship has not being a healthy for you. He has damaged the relationship along five years. It is not easy to end things with the person that we love. However, I think that in your case is the best. Your relationship has a lack of trust. You do not trust him and I do not think you will trust him again. If you need to cry more cry, but do not continue with a guy like that. You will sad for a while. However, it is better to split up with than continue with a bad relationship. Be strong and do not allow to him to hurt you anymore.
Deneia13 Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 (edited) Hi Sam I just finished reading your post and although the context is different, i completely understand where you are coming from. I have been there for sure. You are right! You have changed from the time you were 24 to now 29. Women change frequently. Here is a step by step process I think you should try in order to feel like your fabulous self again: 1. Write down the "facts" about this man. Remove all emotions from this fact sheet and use your intellect to describe a detailed reality of him. You basically did this in the post and it is a great first step. However if you can get more detailed it will be better. Also writing will make the process much more visual and powerful. This is a fact vs. illusion test. Tf there are too many negative facts, you really have to make a choice regarding you and your happiness or him and your misery. Pay Attention To Those Facts! nothing else. Let your intellect over ride your emotion. I over E. 2. Think about and write down what your passions are. What do you want to do? What have you always dreamed of doing but were not convinced enough to move in that direction? Do you enjoy helping people? Do you enjoy working with children or the elderly? Do you like yoga or other forms of exercise? Do you like hiking? Live music and instruments? Listen to yourself and determine what it is you like to do and start moving in that direction. 3. Spend time alone! you have been with someone for five years in your twenties, your most active fruitful years. Spend some time alone and start enjoying yourself. Be your own loving best friend. Say positive things to yourself. Change your passwords to something positive like "iambeautiful". 4. Finally believe it or not this is great that you are feeling like this. This is your inner self telling you something is wrong and you are really listening. Now is time for some action. Be obedient to what your self is telling you and don't doubt or deny the facts. Have an exit strategy and feel empowered. He can never give you any information and answers about yourself. The only person who makes that call at the end of the day is you. "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". You have this...just acknowledge the process will be painful, but necessary for your own growth and development (oh and transition into your 30's)! i hope this helps! feel better---and get back to your fabulous self! Edited August 30, 2010 by Deneia13
4givrnt4gtr Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Hm this sounds familiar. I dated a guy whom I found out was online "flirting" and later sending really explicit texts. He had the nerve to tell me that was not cheating.... In any case, what i have learned through all this crazy relationships ive been in is that, at the end of the day, you only got YOU. No one else. He can't give you security (obviously), and at this point he cant even give you respect. Take care of yourself and detangle yourself from someone who is causing you so much pain that is changing your basic personality structure. Much much easier said than done, I know...but think about it. I hope somehow you find the strenght to love yourself again and realize that your bubbly happy person deserves to be with another bubbly happy person and not a cheating, insecured man who needs to bring you down so you can be at his level....
Author SamWest Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Hm this sounds familiar. I dated a guy whom I found out was online "flirting" and later sending really explicit texts. He had the nerve to tell me that was not cheating.... In any case, what i have learned through all this crazy relationships ive been in is that, at the end of the day, you only got YOU. No one else. He can't give you security (obviously), and at this point he cant even give you respect. Take care of yourself and detangle yourself from someone who is causing you so much pain that is changing your basic personality structure. Much much easier said than done, I know...but think about it. I hope somehow you find the strenght to love yourself again and realize that your bubbly happy person deserves to be with another bubbly happy person and not a cheating, insecured man who needs to bring you down so you can be at his level.... did it take you long to walk away from hiM?
CupidsPosionedArrow Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Hi all, I need to get back to old me, he has a way of knocking me though when Im up, he`l say something and it just sets me off. Recently Ive started scraping myself as a sort of release, Im 29 so should be past all thi stuff. Im lost. Honestly, you really need some good talk therapy and perhaps some depression medication. To me, it seems like there are some deep seeded issues, because one doesn't have those kinds of feelings or desires to cut normally. You've given WAY too little information here to be useful, sure the guy's a creep but what drives you to stay with him? Why on some level do you feel like you need to stay with him and so forth?
Author SamWest Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 Honestly, you really need some good talk therapy and perhaps some depression medication. To me, it seems like there are some deep seeded issues, because one doesn't have those kinds of feelings or desires to cut normally. You've given WAY too little information here to be useful, sure the guy's a creep but what drives you to stay with him? Why on some level do you feel like you need to stay with him and so forth? I dont want to be on my own.
FitChick Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I dont want to be on my own. It's better to be alone than to wish you were. You can eliminate one negative self-esteem belief for free online. It will feel like you have a great weight lifted off of you. You will need privacy because you have to speak out loud. You should have working speakers on your computer. http://www.recreateyourlife.com/free/
Rashad Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I dont want to be on my own. Imo, from this statement its either you hate yourself or you aint confident enough to believe that you will be able to find another guy and this sort of makes you feel like he is doing you a favor by being with you and if you feel that then thats what an unhealthy relationship feels like. I would ask you to break up with him but that would be difficult after 5 years, you can't "go out" of this relationship you need to "grow out" of it and what I mean is do it gradually... find yourself a hobby, or engage yourself in some activities anything you are good at. For example if you are good at singing try to join a band and in that way you will highlight the thing you are good at and te people around you will appreciate it and after you build the self esteem you need I think it will be really easy to end this. You don't even love the guy imo. good luck
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