yankees13 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 have been in a relationship with a man I love very much for a year now. The only thing is he has lied to me and cheated before. He asked for forgiveness and I moved away from him, because I really wanted to get away and start a new life and prove he couldn't keep treating my like that. I still do love him and I have visited him and he has visited me. I even planned on moving back in with him, but he had a change of heart and told me it wasn't the right time. He has several kids with different mothers and if they start trying to get child support he dumps me. He does sound like a horrible man from what I'm telling, but he also has a very sweet side he wants to marry me now and says he realizes he has messed up. He wants me to leave where I'm at and move in with him across the country. I very much like where I'm living, but I'm kind of lonely without him. I just don't think he has changed, because everytime he is trying to get me to come back he lays it on thick and once I get there he treats me totally different. I think it is time to let go, but it's hard. I don't know what to do. Can people change? He has bounced back from me and his ex and I just don't think he will stop. I live in Miami and he lives in Las Vegas. I absolutley hated it there as well. The only reason I would go back is for this man. Any suggestions? He can be very mentally abusive and that is why I think I need him so much. I really don't wanna make a huge mistake, but there is nothing more lonely than being in a new city and not really having anyone I can count on. I do love him, but I have never hurt him like he has hurt me and everytime he asks me to leave a few weeks later after I get back here he lays it on thick telling me he messed up and he misses me sooo much. I just think if he cared so much he would treat me nice all of the time. I have heard it all from oh just dump him and the like. I plan to let go it's just very hard. when you are in a mentally abusive relationship your esteem really goes down south and I feel like I'm nothing now. Any words of encouragement or advice? If you are going to say just "dump him" just spare the comment. I know I need to let go, I just need to get my life back
k35 Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 You sound very smart and you do know what you need to do. NOONE should be Mentally abused. But, before you make up your mind and maybe go back to him, please listen to me.................... Make sure you have money saved before you leave to go to him. So if he changes his heart again you have something to fall back on. Also tell him he needs to learn how to talk to you if he needs help make him get it or don't bother going abuse is abuse and it will ruin you. Women should always have a way out if things get bad. Follow your mind not your heart and please be safe. There are more fish in the sea
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I know how hard it is. I think if you establish a very firm "no contact" rule upon yourself, ultimately you will be able to free yourself from this. It's really fortunate that you live far apart. Please put yourself first! You deserve a relationship with a man who treats you well and which will enhance and elevate your life rather than drag it down. Maybe you could benefit from a support group of women or counseling. Could that be an option?
finding_serenity Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 ur a smart woman,youve seen the red flag early.dont be dumb,if you marry him,you think it will end all the abuse?no,it will get worse.believe me,been there and struggling to get out...
Green Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 you should follow your heart and go be with him!
freestyle Posted September 3, 2010 Posted September 3, 2010 I'd recommend doing some reading on the dynamics of emotionally/mentally abusive relationships...........it may help you to recognize some of what happening w/YOU ....mentally. Read up on Stockholm Syndrome and traumatic bonding in particular......... Do you really want to have your self-esteem further eroded? The more that happens, the weaker you become, and the harder it will be to break free, if the abuse escalates. A very common tactic of abusers, both female and male, is to isolate their partner from friends and family, so their partner becomes more dependent on them.....it's a control thing. Do you have a support network in real life, friends, family---to turn to for emotional support? Because you won't get it from an abusive aprtner........... "Can people change"---you asked. It's possible, but not without an awful lot of self-examination, introspection---it can take years of work and therapy---do you really want to wait around for a "maybe"? You said he's cheated on you , and lied. Has this happened more than once? Ask yourself this---If someone has already written you a couple of bad checks, should you take a check from them again---remember , if the check bounces again, who ends up paying.............? And it's a lot harder to replace "emotional currency"--be very careful where you invest it.Are the returns worth the investment? Please, please, read up some more---a simple google search of emotional abuse will lead you to a lot of helpful websites. The more you learn and start to understand the dynamics of relationships like that, the more empowered you'll become. Best wishes~~~FS
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