hollygolightly Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I'm having a lot of trouble coping with some jealousy/insecurity issues with my bf and would appreciate any feedback. I know this is probably an issue that's been addressed here before, but his sexual/relationship past is haunting me. He's been with A LOT more people than I over the years (we're both mid-20s)...I guess the exact number doesn't matter, just that it feels enormous to me. I can't stop comparing myself to the women in his past, feeling inadequate. I accidentally found some photos and correspondence a while back, which led me to snoop further (I know, not cool). What bothers me most is that he still talks/e-mails with some of these women, some of whom have expressed interest in continuing a sexual relationship since the time we started dating, and he's never said anything back to them about being in a relationship and not being interested. Maybe that's just a sidenote... I guess my ultimate question is, in your experience, is extreme insecurity about a partner's past something that can be successfully dealt with (HOW?!), or is it an indicator that he's not the one for me and I should look for someone with a past more similar to my own that I can be more comfortable with?
northstar1 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 This is a problem that you need to address with him before it destroys the relationship. He is likely getting an ego boost from these women still offering him sex, even if he would not do it. If you are in a committed relationship, he should be telling these girls and telling them he's not interested in any relations with them. The fact he's secretly conversing with them is a bit disturbing if he is keeping them on the backburner. I would talk with him soon, or you'll drive yourself crazy with jealousy and mistrust, about what you accidentally found (not the fact you snooped) and ask him if he still keeps in touch with his ex's
stargirlxo Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I agree with northstar1 that he probably isn't considering being with these women from his past again, but he gets an ego boost from hearing that they still want him. Why do you know so much about them though? Did you ask or did he tell you? If he keeps telling you information about his ex's of course you are going to feel jealous. Either tell him to stop mentioning them, or stop asking questions and try to forget. He's with you now. Oh and btw I don't think you need to find someone who has been with a similar number of people as you. Thats not the issue here. The issue is either him trying to make you feel the way you do by bringing them up all the time, due to HIS insecurity, or your own insecurity, which leads you to ask, and feel hurt. If its him maybe you should dump him, or he should get help, if its you, maybe you should get help and if its a mix, maybe you BOTH should get help to start liking yourselves more.
jenifer1972 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 There have been some really good discussions on LS about this very issue, and the term "retroactive jealousy" is one you might want to google, as this is part of the issue. You can also follow some of the posts I have been on, as a number of us have discussed this very topic at length. The other problem however, is his ongoing contact with these women. I know exactly what you are going through. It can make the most secure woman feel unsure of herself. I totally agree with the others that he is ENJOYING the attention. If he WANTED them to go away, they would be GONE.
meerkat stew Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 You aren't being insecure, and have a right to your exclusive SO's full attention, completely devoid of contact with exes. If he isn't giving it, tell him to shape up or you are gone.
Recommended Posts