epiclove Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I have been reading this forum for quite some time. Tonight I wanted to make my first post because there is something that I would really like advice on. So my ex and I broke up 5 months ago. For the longest time I did not really understand the reasoning behind it. However, last Thursday we hung and talked. During our time of NC I saw her once after about three months, and we hung out for about 5 hours. I told her that I wanted more and told her to not contact me again until she was ready to start fresh. 2 months later she texts me to say hey and ask how I was. I responded of course just to find out that later it was only on a friendly note. After some more time passes I call her up and talk to her about the relationship and how I realize my issues with things. She was very relieved and was happy that I came to these realizations. So now on to this past Thursday. We talked and I asked her a question that had been lingering in my head for awhile. I asked her how come we could not try things again. She told me that she has ALWAYS thought that I was a great guy to be with. . .but that at the time of the breakup she believed that we were not compatible. I asked her how she felt now, and she simply responded that it is too late because she is happy being alone and that I came to the realizations too late. She said she would give it a try, but there are no feelings on her side anymore so it wouldn't fair to her or me. The last time we hung out though, which was a few months ago, she said that she started gaining feelings again but suppressed them because she didn't want to feel what she felt in the old relationship. She sees my changes and knows that I have changed for the better, she has admitted to this twice now. I really love this girl and I know we can connect so easily. I feel like she is still holding on to the negatives of the old relationship. I really want to win her back. . .she felt neglected from the relationship so strictly going NC is not going to work for me. And to be honest I am healed to the point where it wouldn't hurt me to just be friends with her. I want her back, please give me some advise.
K'aycie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Everything you mentioned seems pretty good. The reasons why two people did not work out initially are a big part of it. I think if a person can recognize the cornerstones of the issue in itself, then that's good. You mentioned neglect, which can be detrimental to a relationship, depending on the severity of it because it leaves a trail of emotional scars. Was that the main reason, or were there other factors involved?
Author epiclove Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Everything you mentioned seems pretty good. The reasons why two people did not work out initially are a big part of it. I think if a person can recognize the cornerstones of the issue in itself, then that's good. You mentioned neglect, which can be detrimental to a relationship, depending on the severity of it because it leaves a trail of emotional scars. Was that the main reason, or were there other factors involved? Yes that was the main issue. I know she was emotionally drained from a lot of things that happened in the relationship, but she said that she DEFINITELY sees a change in me. How should I go about pursuing this?
EthanH Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 first of all, you need to start being honest, to yourself. You say: "to be honest I am healed to the point where it wouldn't hurt me to just be friends with her" but if you look at everything you say around that, in fact, the whole post, and the very fact you are even posting it, it shows that this simply isn't true. So start by not uttering such stuff, unless of course, it is what you want to feel in the future, in which case, you already know your answer and don't need advice on getting her back as it isn't your agenda. I have to say, I'm in exactly the same situation. I became the shadow of myself in the months before we broke up. She noticed it, friends noticed it, and I did, but the situation I was in meant it was difficult to take seriously and act upon. I basically felt sorry for myself. We broke up, 5 months later, after me begging her, backing off, her shouting at me, us both hooking up with other people, her telling everyone it was over... she flipped 180 and we were back together for 2 months. And the main reason was that i had changed after the break-up, i had realised a few massive things. Mainly that I relied on her too much for my happiness, and that I needed to get up and be proactive in more things in life. Her feelings changed for me as soon as she began to see me as unambitious. I changed that after we broke up, and she admitted to everyone, including me, that she found that very attractive, that she began to see the confident, ambitious, almost dauntingly powerful guy who she originally fell for. And while this continued, there were a few blips when things went against me, I am fine now, but I think once she got it into her head that she didn't need me, things changed for her forever. I think part of the problem was that she liked me too much, and it scared her, and so the idea of getting back with me would have to be something which she was really sure about, and she isn't the best of people for making decisions at the best of times, so she just put it off, until it built up so much that she gave up from exhaustion. I think the thing is, and the thing which you need to be aware of. She isn't going to see this 'change' attractive enough to want you back if she sees that it was only instigated to get you back. She needs to see that you are doing it for yourself. If she sees you being different, and those feelings come back, you won't have to do anything. Trying to do anything is just going to make her feel like you are pushing her. If she likes the 'new you' ... she will come to you, and then it is YOU who has to decide if you want her back. Be confident about yourself.
Author epiclove Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 first of all, you need to start being honest, to yourself. You say: "to be honest I am healed to the point where it wouldn't hurt me to just be friends with her" but if you look at everything you say around that, in fact, the whole post, and the very fact you are even posting it, it shows that this simply isn't true. So start by not uttering such stuff, unless of course, it is what you want to feel in the future, in which case, you already know your answer and don't need advice on getting her back as it isn't your agenda. I have to say, I'm in exactly the same situation. I became the shadow of myself in the months before we broke up. She noticed it, friends noticed it, and I did, but the situation I was in meant it was difficult to take seriously and act upon. I basically felt sorry for myself. We broke up, 5 months later, after me begging her, backing off, her shouting at me, us both hooking up with other people, her telling everyone it was over... she flipped 180 and we were back together for 2 months. And the main reason was that i had changed after the break-up, i had realised a few massive things. Mainly that I relied on her too much for my happiness, and that I needed to get up and be proactive in more things in life. Her feelings changed for me as soon as she began to see me as unambitious. I changed that after we broke up, and she admitted to everyone, including me, that she found that very attractive, that she began to see the confident, ambitious, almost dauntingly powerful guy who she originally fell for. And while this continued, there were a few blips when things went against me, I am fine now, but I think once she got it into her head that she didn't need me, things changed for her forever. I think part of the problem was that she liked me too much, and it scared her, and so the idea of getting back with me would have to be something which she was really sure about, and she isn't the best of people for making decisions at the best of times, so she just put it off, until it built up so much that she gave up from exhaustion. I think the thing is, and the thing which you need to be aware of. She isn't going to see this 'change' attractive enough to want you back if she sees that it was only instigated to get you back. She needs to see that you are doing it for yourself. If she sees you being different, and those feelings come back, you won't have to do anything. Trying to do anything is just going to make her feel like you are pushing her. If she likes the 'new you' ... she will come to you, and then it is YOU who has to decide if you want her back. Be confident about yourself. First off, thank you very much for the taking the time to write out this message. I guess what I meant when saying I wouldn't mind being friends is that I am friends and I do not mind taking it EXTREMELY slow. I will not however, deny anything you just said because you are spot on about my feelings (sounds contradicting but eh lol) Secondly, you described my situation to a tee. We are in very similar situations. She told me that she sees that I change. I think that she depended far too much on me for her happiness, and when she didn't receive that happiness it totally turned her off. I know that she loved me A LOT! I want to show her my changes, and show her that I am a new and improved person. What do you suggest I do then? What did you do? (I understand that we are two different people with different exes, but I am just curious)
K'aycie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Yes that was the main issue. I know she was emotionally drained from a lot of things that happened in the relationship, but she said that she DEFINITELY sees a change in me. How should I go about pursuing this? That's great! I am happy for you. How you pursue it, believe me when I say, I haven't gotten the slightest clue mainly because each person is different and each person responds differently to different things. What I will say, is that regardless of what happens - try not to ever lose yourself in the process (meaning always try to remain true to yourself throughout everything). Relationship dynamics, have cornerstones, that support the underlying level of two individual's commitment to each other. And like anything, those have to be nurtured by both individuals.
Author epiclove Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 I really hope your right K'aycie! I really love this girl with all of my heart! I feel like it was a mistake that has been addressed and taken care of. I just want everything to work out now... Any other advise?
K'aycie Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I really hope your right K'aycie! I really love this girl with all of my heart! I feel like it was a mistake that has been addressed and taken care of. I just want everything to work out now... Any other advise? I do too, I really hope it works out for you. I think the main thing, is to focus on solidifying those cornerstones. She has to be able to trust you, she has to be able to respect you, understand and accept that the neglect wasn't directly about her.
Don Ho Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Sorry bro, I don't think it's going to work. It's called a "break up" because it is "broken". When something is broken, you can try to repair it, but it never the same. She has already told you she has LOST those feelings for you. Ok, she's a "little" more interested or intrigued by your changes. But I don't think that she's going to get to the point where she wants to get back together. If you did, it might be good for a few months and then, I hate to say, it would again not work out. I think by being friends you're only fooling yourself in to the idea that you guys will work it out and she will want you back. I would not be friends with her regardless of my motivations. When a woman loses "that feeling" for you, it's over, done, finished. It's not coming back. Move on bro. You've spent too much time on this one and you need to find a woman that WANTS to be with YOU. There's no point on you banging your head on this wall anymore.
boosh Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Unlike some, if not most on LS, I am a big believer in second chances if the situation is acceptable. However, I am a bit wary of your reasoning for wanting to try things with this girl again. I know you think you've changed for the better, and if you truly have, then that's great! It'll only help YOU moving forward. But that's the key. Did you change these traits because you realized you needed to, and WANTED TO FOR YOURSELF?, Or did you change them because she mentioned them, and you did it for her? It's a simple question, but it's a big, if not the biggest one. Reason being, if you honestly took to heart what she said, and changed yourself for the betterment of yourself, then perhaps, and I do stress the perhaps, things might work out again. But if it's a charade and you did it only to appease her, nothing will change with you two in the long run, and in a few months you'd be back on here asking the same questions again.
Author epiclove Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Unlike some, if not most on LS, I am a big believer in second chances if the situation is acceptable. However, I am a bit wary of your reasoning for wanting to try things with this girl again. I know you think you've changed for the better, and if you truly have, then that's great! It'll only help YOU moving forward. But that's the key. Did you change these traits because you realized you needed to, and WANTED TO FOR YOURSELF?, Or did you change them because she mentioned them, and you did it for her? It's a simple question, but it's a big, if not the biggest one. Reason being, if you honestly took to heart what she said, and changed yourself for the betterment of yourself, then perhaps, and I do stress the perhaps, things might work out again. But if it's a charade and you did it only to appease her, nothing will change with you two in the long run, and in a few months you'd be back on here asking the same questions again. Thanks Boosh for taking the time.... I can answer this question with ease....yes! I have spent nothing but the last few months trying to realize my errors in the way that I did things. Because of that, that is the ONLY reason why she acknowledged that I did change. She can see it....My friends and family have all seen that I have been working extensively to improve myself as a person. I have gone through counseling and researched like crazy to understand why my ex felt the way she felt. To answer the question of whether or not I did it for ME or to also get her back. The honest answer is, I did it to improve myself to be better for her. IF I can't get her back that doesn't mean that I wouldn't take what I have learned from this relationship and apply it to my next one. Me changing for the better is probably the best thing that has happened to me after the breakup.
boosh Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Thanks Boosh for taking the time.... I can answer this question with ease....yes! I have spent nothing but the last few months trying to realize my errors in the way that I did things. Because of that, that is the ONLY reason why she acknowledged that I did change. She can see it....My friends and family have all seen that I have been working extensively to improve myself as a person. I have gone through counseling and researched like crazy to understand why my ex felt the way she felt. To answer the question of whether or not I did it for ME or to also get her back. The honest answer is, I did it to improve myself to be better for her. IF I can't get her back that doesn't mean that I wouldn't take what I have learned from this relationship and apply it to my next one. Me changing for the better is probably the best thing that has happened to me after the breakup. If you can honestly sit there and say that you changed for her, but for yourself as well because you realized the person you were becoming and didn't like that, then I applaud you. You need to realize though, that no matter what you do from here on out though, the proverbial ball is in her court now. She broke up with you, so you need to realize that she's going to be extremely cautious about starting things up again, even if she sees the person you've become since the breakup occurred. There's really not much else you can do to prove to her who you are, than just be you. If she spurns your advances, or decides she can't do it again, don't take it personally and fall into a funk again. Instead take it in stride, realize that while it sucks, it's for the best, and take away your new found personality as a blessing. It's a process no matter how it ends up. It's not easy by any means, but from what you've written, you do seem genuine in your feelings towards her and what you've done for yourself. Time will tell.
Sonolumino Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Go for it dude. You've attracted her once, it can be done again. "That feeling" that girls feel is just attraction, and it can be brought about again. But you have to ask yourself if this is what you really want. Get over your insecurities which led you to neglect her. Be completely honest with her, get all those issues out in the open. Communication is the key, especially with a second chance. Don't let resentment build over issues that could be worked out easily, which is what I suspect happened. Overall, just make sure that it's right, and you're not doing this for some other reason. All the best.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Go for it dude. You've attracted her once, it can be done again. "That feeling" that girls feel is just attraction, and it can be brought about again. Sono, you really think that's true? I've been wrestling with that one lately. My opinion now is that once they loose interest and break up with you that there is no way to re-attract them because their interest level has fallen too far. Might be different if you're together and things are shakey or they're saying they don't feel the same, but once they break up with you, they made that decision that they didn't feel the same months before and there's no re-igniting it.
Author epiclove Posted August 31, 2010 Author Posted August 31, 2010 Sono, you really think that's true? I've been wrestling with that one lately. My opinion now is that once they loose interest and break up with you that there is no way to re-attract them because their interest level has fallen too far. Might be different if you're together and things are shakey or they're saying they don't feel the same, but once they break up with you, they made that decision that they didn't feel the same months before and there's no re-igniting it. From what you are saying...if that's the case then there would NEVER be any reconciliations. Think about it, people dump because they lost feelings most of the time. Feelings can come back. . .I honestly feel like she was afraid of gaining feelings for me again. To be honest, when I talk to her I don't even think all of the feelings are gone. It seems more like a guard.
Don Ho Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 From what you are saying...if that's the case then there would NEVER be any reconciliations. Think about it, people dump because they lost feelings most of the time. Feelings can come back. . .I honestly feel like she was afraid of gaining feelings for me again. To be honest, when I talk to her I don't even think all of the feelings are gone. It seems more like a guard. I know that people can reconcile and do it all the time. I think if you're married more that 5 years or so, there's enough commitment for people to try to reconcile, especially if they have kids. However, I would like to see if there are any stats on this. Anyway, I wouldn't rationalize that she is worried about her gaining feelings for you and that she's putting up her guard. Ok, she has feelings for you. But that doesn't mean that she is becoming more interested or will act on them. More like she loves you as a person and an Ex and you're reading too much into the situation. So. I still think the same way as I stated earlier here; that she will not "regain" enough feelings to want to get back together for you. If I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath and I would move on instead of clinging to any little perception that she is gaining significant feelings for you.
Recommended Posts