MsMoxie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I'm a 61 year old grandma, for god's sake! How can I be having these feelings like I was a damn teenager again?! Divorced for 15 years, no dating while raising my kids (who are now grown & out of the home), not even interested in looking for a relationship...then, BAM! There he is, this funny, smart, good looking man with a common interest, we work on a project together, and I'm madly in love. He is also interested in me but will never leave his marriage because his wife has chronic fatigue syndrome and needs constant care & attention. They have no sex life and live more like siblings than husband/wife. We've been on the roller coaster of 'on again-off again' since early summer. Part of me knows at age 61 there aren't very many eligible men out there that I'd be interested in! (I've checked out match.com, eHarmony, etc....NO ONE I'd be interested in!) Part of me says 'Go for it, Baby!! Just enjoy the ride while it lasts!' And the other part says 'But why settle? Aren't you worth being #1 in someone's life?' But realistically, there aren't any other suitors waiting in the wings! I am trying to do 'the right thing' for all of us, but I so want to just be selfish. Like he said, 'At our age, we could have a stroke tomorrow or get hit by a bus...don't we deserve some happiness in our lives?' I worry that I'll be the one hurt because I'll want more than he'll ever be able to give me.
jj33 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Moxie only you know yourself. If you think you will feel like you are settling listen to that feeling and dont do it. Its amazing how quickly the this is wonderful just live in the moment can transform into I love him and I want more if you are not wired to have more casual relationships. It sounds like you are not wired to have a casual thing. And there is nothing wrong with that. Just be careful and honor who you are and your emotional make up. Its easy for him to say we need to live for the moment - hes not risking anything, his life is enhanced and he is doing exactly what he wants to do within his comfort zone. As an aside are you SURE about his situation? CFS can be difficult to manage but it doesnt mean no sex and it doesnt mean constant care. It means she needs to get a lot of rest, and take care of herself properly. I fear he may be feeding you a line there.... Understandable he doesnt want to leave especially when shes not well but hes milking it if hes saying she needs constant care and due to her illness they live like siblings. Its a tough choice but look after your heart. Heartbreak can be worse than lonliness depending on your temprament.
desertIslandCactus Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I was a few yrs older than you when I fell into the trap. Fortuneatly it didn't go any further than an EA. I wouldn't have let it anyway. I was a whole woman before, incomplete woman while in it, and now am back to where I was before - strong and complete and back on track. A SW is used by the MM to enhance his life. Don't go for it.. It will just be a waste of a few precious years. God has Good things for you.. and it isn't this MM. I know where you're coming from when you say you haven't been attracted since your marriage, but you are too complete of a woman to settle.
marlena Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Love knows no age. It can happen to us anytime. I would tell you to "enjoy the ride" if I thought you were sufficiently emotionally detached from this man. However, you are not so I think the situation is potentially harmful to you. At the age of 61, you are not as resilient emotionally as you used to be so a break-up may turn out to be more devastating than you can imagine. I know you think this may be your last chance at love but is it worth the pain you will experience when it is over? He has already told you that he will not leave his wife and you would do well to believe it. You definitely need to give this some deep and serious thought.
Shakz Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 If he won't leave his wife because she's infirm I'm not sure you have any choice but to break it off, because there is likely zero chance you'll ever be number one. Seems to me that if this guy is interested in you others will be too. Keep trying to find someone else. As much as you may like to think otherwise, he's not for you.
cavedweller Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Moxie, There's lots of single men out there..You are just looking in the wrong places..
carhill Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 So, OP, if you were infirm and unable to discharge your obligations as an intimate partner and companion, would you want your spouse to suffer for the rest of his life or would you want him to have happiness? Ask your erstwhile lover this question and encourage him to be honest with his wife about his needs. They can modify their contract of marriage at any time. Thus modified, she could welcome you as a healthy addition to the dynamic. I would, however, having been an OM a number of times over the years, caution you to trust his tales of marital discord only with verification. Of course, his wife would be the highest and best verification, but corroboration amongst his social circle would be supportive of his perspective. Lastly, 61 isn't the end of the world; you can easily date men my age (I'm 51) and find many men in their 50's who are healthy and attentive lovers and, more importantly, single. As you age, finding a man your age is increasingly difficult, simply because they die. I understand that. Got lemons? Make lemonade. The first step is resolving your dynamic with MM to a healthy state, either by full disclosure or by resolving your feelings to a non-romantic state. You obviously don't wish to become a mistress, or you wouldn't have taken the time to sign up for LS and post this. So, work through it, one way or another. Good luck and welcome
LostintheMidwest Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 MsMoxie, Actually there are dating websites for people in their 50's and 60's and beyond. I know because my mom is on one. I think it's called something like BabyBoomers or something... can't remember but you should google it. Just because you are older doesn't mean that life is over for you and that you can't find love anywhere else but in this married man's arms. On the other hand, I do know what you are going through with being in an affair with a married man. I've been in one for over a year and I am trying my hardest to get out. Believe me, it's no picnic ride! Especially once your feelings grow deeper and deeper for this person and it's even more difficult when they feel the same way but they are married. My honeset advice is to leave this situation before you and others get hurt. It will be hard but it will save you alot of heartache in the end. You deserve better, with a man who can spend all his time on you. The longer you stay in this situation the harder it gets. Trust me, I haven't talked to my married man for about a week and I'm dying over here. But from what I read on these forums, it gets easier as time passes. Good Luck!
jennie-jennie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I'm a 61 year old grandma, for god's sake! How can I be having these feelings like I was a damn teenager again?! Divorced for 15 years, no dating while raising my kids (who are now grown & out of the home), not even interested in looking for a relationship...then, BAM! There he is, this funny, smart, good looking man with a common interest, we work on a project together, and I'm madly in love. He is also interested in me but will never leave his marriage because his wife has chronic fatigue syndrome and needs constant care & attention. They have no sex life and live more like siblings than husband/wife. We've been on the roller coaster of 'on again-off again' since early summer. Part of me knows at age 61 there aren't very many eligible men out there that I'd be interested in! (I've checked out match.com, eHarmony, etc....NO ONE I'd be interested in!) Part of me says 'Go for it, Baby!! Just enjoy the ride while it lasts!' And the other part says 'But why settle? Aren't you worth being #1 in someone's life?' But realistically, there aren't any other suitors waiting in the wings! I am trying to do 'the right thing' for all of us, but I so want to just be selfish. Like he said, 'At our age, we could have a stroke tomorrow or get hit by a bus...don't we deserve some happiness in our lives?' I worry that I'll be the one hurt because I'll want more than he'll ever be able to give me. Go for it! Even if you will get hurt, the ride will be so worth it! :bunny:
Author MsMoxie Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 THANK YOU, Everyone, for your responses. I know ultimately only I can decide what to do with my feelings, but like some of you said, I don't do well in casual relationships, and that's basically all I can ever have with this man. I'm free to love & give totally of myself (and would!)...he's not, and I'm the one who'll end up hurt. We don't come to the physical relationship on the same plane. You know, I never felt lonely being alone all these years since my divorce from my kids' father, but now that I've loved again, I feel lonely...
carhill Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Feeling lonely is really good news. There's lots of love and life left in you. You're not really alone, with children and perhaps grandchildren, but feel lonely for love. Imagine the alternative you'll likely never know, being truly alone. I think your alternative is much better. Just tell the nice gentleman you cannot have a casual relationship, since you take relationships seriously and feel deeply. A man with his experience and commitment to his wife will understand this. A selfish man will not. Great way to see truth. Good luck
jj33 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 You know, I never felt lonely being alone all these years since my divorce from my kids' father, but now that I've loved again, I feel lonely... I think you have your answer right there. If you are already feeling lonely then this sort of dynamic is not for you. It doesnt get better once the "I want more" feeling sets in. A relationship should enhance your life, not make you feel like the glass is half empty. Everyone speaks from their own bias. I got out when I realized I wanted more because I was no longer simply enjoying it for what it was. For those who are able to enjoy it for what it is, they will tell you to go for it. Everyone is different and every relationship is different.
carhill Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 A male friend recently found love for what will likely be the last time in his life. He and a long-time female friend (both now widowed and who for decades did things as couples with their spouses) apparently are having the times of their lives. I don't know how long she was married, but he was married for 46 years and cared for his ill (cancer) wife the last 3 years of her life. Was there an 'arrangement'? I have no idea. It sure didn't seem so and she wasn't seen in the first year or so after his wife died so I doubt it. So, both in their late 70's, having lost the loves of their lives to death, they find new love. Also, my mother, now near death, entertained many a suitor after my father passed (similar circumstances, with her caring for him) when she was in her mid-60's. She said she had her life, had her marriage and her man and chose to reject those suitors in favor of living alone her final years. That was her choice. You can choose differently. Food for thought, OP. It ain't over till it's over...
siuys Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 If you do decide to continue, be prepared for more pain than joy. You deserve better.
desertIslandCactus Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 You know, I never felt lonely being alone all these years since my divorce from my kids' father, but now that I've loved again, I feel lonely... That's right, lonliness is a part of this. A feeling of an incomplete life, when it isn't so. When two people are in love, available and on the same level, there is a fulfillment. This type of lonliness is just present in these affairs where the other person isn't available and only able to give you the fraction of his life.
bentnotbroken Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Go for it! Even if you will get hurt, the ride will be so worth it! :bunny: Spoken like someone with no emotional investment in OP's life. Hurt can be very dangerous. For as many who say it is worth, there are as many who say it isn't.
You Go Girl Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 It's dangerous to compromise your values, morality, and dreams to have a little bit of somebody else. It could lead to disliking yourself. The payoff could be much less than the price. That would be very costly for something that on the surface appears to be free....
TinaniT Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 If you are already hurting and wanting more, I would not stay in the relationship before you get any more invested and consider it a blessing later, when you can - a wake up call to the amount of living and loving you still have left to do. Whatever you decide, hope it brings lots of happiness to you!
jennie-jennie Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Spoken like someone with no emotional investment in OP's life. Hurt can be very dangerous. For as many who say it is worth, there are as many who say it isn't. No. Spoken by someone who has the experience of it being well worth it.
Ellin Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Hello, MsMoxie, first of all, lots of hugs to you - you sound like such a lovely person, I wish you were my neighbor coming for a cup of tea sometimes I just would like to ask you - are you not too far gone yet, can you still easily make the decision to stay away from him? Wish you all the best.
marlena Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Hello, MsMoxie, first of all, lots of hugs to you - you sound like such a lovely person, I wish you were my neighbor coming for a cup of tea sometimes Yes, she does, doesn't she?
Author MsMoxie Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Thank You all, again for the support during this difficult time. I have decided for my own sake not to have a physical relationship with this MM, but I can't give up the friendship part yet. We have shared so much emotionally and I feel so close to him. At least if I can keep it at the friendship level I can have a little part of him. I constantly remind myself that I do thank him for making me aware that I can care about someone again, be attracted to them, and feel like a sexual person again. He says he is willing to take whatever I will give him and would feel really sad & like he's lost a soul mate if we stop all contact. I feel the same way, because he has become one of my best friends. I guess time will tell if I can be successful at reining in my feelings & desires, and enjoy the friendship of this special guy. In the mean time, I'm signing up for Zoosk and checking out the senior scene in my town. Now that I'm sending out a different vibe ('Yoo-Hoo! Hello! I'm interested...I'm available...') maybe I will meet an UNmarried amazing guy! Thank y'all for the great advice and moral support! It surely helps to talk to people who've already been thru this experience. Good Luck to all you wonderful people!! (...and me, too!)
BB07 Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I wish you all the best MsMoxie. Please be careful and don't put yourself in the position of where the cost outweighs the benefits of keeping a friendship with mm. If you ever feel like you are settling and it doesn't feel right in the pit of your stomach, then you'll know it's time to walk away. Don't sell yourself short and take care! BB
whichwayisup Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 He is also interested in me but will never leave his marriage because his wife has chronic fatigue syndrome and needs constant care & attention. End it. He isn't going to leave - BELIEVE HIM when he tells you this. Don't hold hope that 'one day he'll leave her and you two will be together' it won't happen, at his age, his wife and her health issues - He'd be a real schmuck to walk out on her now. Remember, they have a long history together and she wasn't always sick. He's being selfish by looking outside of his marriage, being with you. You fill in needs that his wife cannot meet. You let yourself fall inlove and get too attached to someone you knew was married from the get-go. Either end it or accept your role as the OW in his life. (not that I'm promoting you to continue the A..) Keep in mind too, that his wife isn't stupid, she knows him and his moods, so there's always a good chance she may find out. Be prepared for that.
Recommended Posts