Why do some women hate to see men relaxing and enjoying ourselves

[Woggle]

There could be more of a story there that you don't know about. maybe he treats her like a real a**hole at home. You don't know what is really going on. What he tells you is just what he tells you as his "guy" buddy.

 

Maybe but I know what I see and how she treats him in public. Everybody else is having a good time and she starts a fight for no reason.

[that girl]

Really Woggle, I think you're probably not the best judge of what is going on in a relationship. You have a lot of negative feelings towards women. It is really unlikely that every married couple you know save one consists of a shrewish wife and a browbeaten husband. Either you live in a freakish neighborhood or something is off about your perception. And really, lots of people complain when their spouse is not in the room. It doesn't necessarily mean they are unhappy.

 

One thing you haven't mentioned is whether or not this couple has kids. If they have kids who are too young to be left alone, then they both should have 100% veto power when it comes to activities without the kids. Because otherwise that hour long run turned bbq could mean that she is chained to the house for hours (or vice versa). I know Average Joe would never consent to such a horrible set of expectations, but anyone with kids needs to negotiate.

 

And even if they don't have kids, you don't know what the deal is. She could be a shrew or their could be something important that he forgot about. Heck, the guy could dislike you and be using wifey as an excuse (I've seen multiple guys use their wife or girlfriend as an excuse to get out of hanging with a guy).

[carhill]

Here, the OP gives a contrast in his perspective:

 

I get along great with the woman in the new couple that moved in and both of them are welcome anytime in my home but the few times I invited this woman over she tried to start a fight with her husband and I am not about to let a woman use my house to emotionally abuse a man. That is a no no on my property. She was hostile the minute she knocked on the door.

 

It appears he is judging the lady who is the topic of the OP by the way she behaves in his presence on his property. Also, he gives an example of another lady with whom he gets along fine, so his perspective isn't a global one, rather specific, and specific to the lady in the OP. Sounds like a reasonable boundary to me. I wouldn't want that drama on my property either.

 

The title of the thread relates to *some* women, and the OP gives an example of what *some* looks like and what *some* doesn't look like, wrt to unacceptable behaviors.

 

Also, and Wogs can clarify, did this male visitor start up a bitch session about his wife? I didn't read that. However, if so, that's good information. If he regularly stops by just to bitch, then that would be unhealthy too and no basis for a friendship. Good thing it's like 3:30 in the morning in NJ and he's sleeping soundly

[zengirl]

First of all, kudos Woggle for the word "Some" in your title.

 

This weekend my wife is going to Atlantic City with a friend who has a free time which I don't mind because as much as I love her I like having the house all to myself every now and then. I see a neighbor of mine out doing his morning run and I ask him if he wants to stop by later to come chill in the pool and throw a few things on the grill for lunch. After about an hour of him being here I get a knock on the door and it is his wife being angry with him for having a day off on the weekend and wasting it doing nothing.

 

This is a guy who works his butt off at his job and is always out in the yard and the front lawn doing things so why does she have an issue with him taking one single day to relax in a friend's pool? Why is he not allowed to have one day to himself that he wants to have? My ex was the same way. Even though I did everything if I took one day off to have a break I would get chewed out. Why is this?

 

She could be a controlling nag.

 

He could be a lazy jerkoff.

 

It could be a simple matter of bad communication and other things going wrong between them that have created an unhealthy dynamic, despite neither person being fundamentally flawed.

 

What she is responsible for -- no matter what -- is having that conversation in front of you. Did she attempt to speak to him in private? Was he resistant to that idea? I don't believe in having fights in front of others, personally, and I judge most people who do. Communication is about sharing, not attacking, and there's no way for another person not to feel attacked if you bring up issues in front of other parties.

 

Why does she do that? Well . . . she might not know any better. She might just be that frustrated and unhappy in their current situation. She might be an angry shrew. He might be an avoider who won't really talk about these issues and uses other people and places as a shield to "get away" from dealing, and she knows this. I really don't know.

 

Honestly, from what I've seen: There's usually plenty of blame to go around in a dynamic like the one you mention.

 

That is why men should not make promises they don't keep. People get mad at my take me or leave me attitude but it is better than saying I will do something and not doing it. Some men just say it to get a woman to stop nagging.

 

And I'm sure some women start nagging because men don't do what they say they will and they're conditioned to think they need to nag to get it done, that this is some sort of normal dynamic. I find that disturbing, but I understand it. At my last job, my boss actually asked all the employees to nag him when we needed something -- basically telling us it wouldn't get done unless we didn't. I hated that. I don't want to nag anyone. I'm responsible, I can keep my own affairs in order, and nobody needs to nag me. Take some responsibility, man, and don't need a nag!

 

But some men want to be nagged in various ways (whether it's shrewish or subtle) and some women maybe do, too, for all I know. I don't want that dynamic, so I don't let it happen in my relationships. But I think some people really do put things off and actively encourage others to nag them into doing it.

 

I think your attitude takes a very negative spin sometimes, but this is one thing I'll totally agree with -- Don't say you're going to do something unless you're going to do it. If all people just lived by that, the world would be a much more fantastic place! Imagine it.

 

I did not marry a woman in order to get a cook or a maid or whatever. I am perfectly capable of doing those things because I did them during my first marriage and I did them when I was single.

 

This seems healthy to me. Really, the division of household duties doesn't need to be so adversarial so long as the people involved are similar in their household need---i.e. if you're neat and you marry a total slob, irregardless of gender, the neat person is probably going to start to feel abused. Most healthy adults who can keep their own house shouldn't have much of a problem, should they? Especially in this round of generations.

[Woggle]

Really Woggle, I think you're probably not the best judge of what is going on in a relationship. You have a lot of negative feelings towards women. It is really unlikely that every married couple you know save one consists of a shrewish wife and a browbeaten husband. Either you live in a freakish neighborhood or something is off about your perception. And really, lots of people complain when their spouse is not in the room. It doesn't necessarily mean they are unhappy.

 

One thing you haven't mentioned is whether or not this couple has kids. If they have kids who are too young to be left alone, then they both should have 100% veto power when it comes to activities without the kids. Because otherwise that hour long run turned bbq could mean that she is chained to the house for hours (or vice versa). I know Average Joe would never consent to such a horrible set of expectations, but anyone with kids needs to negotiate.

 

And even if they don't have kids, you don't know what the deal is. She could be a shrew or their could be something important that he forgot about. Heck, the guy could dislike you and be using wifey as an excuse (I've seen multiple guys use their wife or girlfriend as an excuse to get out of hanging with a guy).

 

I can count the truly happy couples I know on one hand and in most other cases it consists of a man trying to please a woman that couldn't care less about him or a situation like this.

 

I know this guy likes me and we get along when she is not there. I see the way she treats him and I tell him he shouldn't put up with it and maybe that is why she does not like me. They have no kids and I think he should get out while he can because he is a good guy and can be doing so much better without the albatross wearing him down. When we are hanging out together I see signs of the man she has done her best to wear down.

[phineas]

I can count the truly happy couples I know on one hand and in most other cases it consists of a man trying to please a woman that couldn't care less about him or a situation like this.

 

I know this guy likes me and we get along when she is not there. I see the way she treats him and I tell him he shouldn't put up with it and maybe that is why she does not like me. They have no kids and I think he should get out while he can because he is a good guy and can be doing so much better without the albatross wearing him down. When we are hanging out together I see signs of the man she has done her best to wear down.

 

This has been my experience.

[zengirl]

I can count the truly happy couples I know on one hand and in most other cases it consists of a man trying to please a woman that couldn't care less about him or a situation like this.

 

I know this guy likes me and we get along when she is not there. I see the way she treats him and I tell him he shouldn't put up with it and maybe that is why she does not like me. They have no kids and I think he should get out while he can because he is a good guy and can be doing so much better without the albatross wearing him down. When we are hanging out together I see signs of the man she has done her best to wear down.

 

No offense, and I'm not saying she's great, he should be with her, etc, BUT no wonder she doesn't like you. Also, if he hasn't asked, and there's no actual clear-cut abuse (I'm talking about a real danger to his physical well-being which isn't here), it's none of your damn business, in my opinion. Most people would take offense and not react well to this sort of behavior, from you.

 

I see plenty of my friends with gals and fellows that aren't worthwhile in my opinion, but it isn't my business to go around telling them so unless they're asking. And, even then, I often play it tactful, knowing full well the consequences of an honest opinion (i.e. If I say, "dump the loser," and you marry him, odds are this will come back to haunt me, so I reserve such judgments for clear cases of endless pain). Really, what do I know? I only see the small sliver of it I'm allowed to see.

 

I'm not saying don't speculate on a message board, but you're crossing pretty big lines if you're telling a married neighbor to leave his wife or not put up with her behavior. I'm not surprised she doesn't like you and kind of think she's got every right not to; that's no more appropriate than her berating a fellow in public.

[carhill]

Here's a good compromise. Wog's, if you otherwise enjoy this neighbor's company, continue to invite him over for BBQ and poolside beers. Hold your counsel regarding his wife unless specifically asked, or if he starts a bitch session. If his wife displays unacceptable behaviors in your presence and in your home, identify them, tell her directly that they're unacceptable and that she can either cease or leave; her choice. What goes on in their home is none of your business. What goes on in yours *IS*.

 

Care less about who likes you or not. Life isn't a popularity contest.

[Woggle]

He does complain about her and I tell him what I think. I don't butt in when not invited but if a person asks for my opinion they will get it.

[mem11363]

W,

They got to this point because he has reinforced her bad behavior by "obeying" her when she behaves aggressively and inappropriately. Over time, like most "unanswered" aggression it has increased.

 

Yes you are right - her behavior is bad.

 

My approach is to "steer" the ship as soon as it starts to get off course and not wait until we are heading south to try and turn us back north.

 

Almost identical "proprietary/ownership" feeling exists in my W. But she would never do what you described because when she does little stuff I respond to it.

 

One night I was on a long call with a good friend who she doesn't like. He and I talk frequently. She and I did not have plans and frankly she didn't "need" me for anything. But she gave me some direct, angry and aggressive body language which appeared directly related to the call. This is a very rare thing for her to do and - LOL - I have no idea what prompted this particular "boundary test".

 

I figured "hey why disrupt my call - I am tired of the many comments I hear about how women are so much better at multi-tasking than men". So I multi-tasked. While having a friendly and laugh filled conversation with him I gave her a series of very focused blasts of body language hostility. And she immediately stopped glaring daggers at me.

 

A half hour later I ended the call. About an hour after that she came up to me and said "are you mad at me?" And I just shrugged, smiled and said "not at all". Now we both knew exactly what had happened. Challenge - response - withdrawal. This is her path. I don't take it personally. This is how she is wired. If she wasn't funny and clever and kind and loving and ....., I might feel differently. But I wouldn't give up one of her pluses to subtract this particular behavior.

 

I am confident that if I had cut the call short and gone and asked her if she was upset with me it would have reinforced this behavior. Hell - I think even if I cut it short and then we had a major argument it might have reinforced this behavior. Instead - 6+ months later and I have seen no repetition of it.

 

 

 

 

Just because somebody will take the abuse does not mean you should abuse the person. Women are not children who are incapable of controlling themselves unless a man keeps them in line. A man should not have to put a woman in her place just for her to act like a decent human being.