gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I am a woman and was with a woman who had cheated on her boyfriend with me, split up with him as soon as she could, and then was with me. She said it was perfect and basically was very happy and all she wanted. We then had a stressful patch and i found it impossible to shake of my gut feeling of not being able to trust her and ended up pushing her away. Basically a few months later she has told me she is working things out with her ex boyfriend, as she missed him a lot and they really were best friends, although i wouldnt do this to anyone so dont understand the behaviour, but has no intention of ever telling him she cheated on him with a woman and thats why she left him.(she didnt tell him when they split up as she thinks shed loose too many people and it would break him.) In my opinion this just shows that she has no respect for him and problems with being with one person, and highly selfish so I no longer would have any interest in her romantically. We do however have very close mutual friends so next weekend i have to spend the day with her. Basically I want to know if im wrong to be so angry at her for not giving her ex boyfriend the chance to decide for himself, they could be together for a long time and hed never really know who she is. Also for her sake i think its a million times worse when your not honest, I have said i would never say anything as it is no longer my business. I was wrong to do anything when she was with someone else, although it was stopped the first time she saw him, but this just disgusts me, it should be his choice. I thought she was better than this and dont know how to be with her when i see her, or want to carry this issue when it isnt my problem and i dont want it, i feel guilty for her in a way. To make peace we have said to just be normal friends. Any help?!
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 WTF are you thinking? If you cared about her, you would be kind and keep your mouth shut ... with him, friends, everyone. What you're butthurt about is that it didn't work out and she went back to the other relationship. The fact that she went back to a MAN probably fuels your fire even more, although it shouldn't. It should be his choice? No it is your choice to do the right thing, have some character and leave it alone. What would he gain if he knew? Ok, he would be hurt that she cheated and probably crushed that it was with a woman. It shouldn't matter that you're both women, but for a guy that really hits home. Years ago my very good female friend and I had an affair for a couple of years and she was married. I would NEVER entertain letting him know or find out about what happened. I told her he could put a gun to my head and I would deny it. That is because she is a good friend and while I wanted her to leave her husband and be with me, family issues came about for her so that would never happen. We are still very good friends but never go there anymore. I respect her as a friend and her choice to stay in her marriage and for her husband to not know. So. Be a FRIEND to your friend and say nothing.
Author gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 If you read it properly I have said i have no intention of ever saying anything to him or mutual people, i have wished her well and walked away from it. I was asking for advice on how to not let the situation bother me when I'm around her as I'm bound to still feel something and want to see it as normal friends for the exact reason to let us both move on on our seperate ways and not cause her any problems! Shes a lovely person in a bad situation. If your going to be rude go elsewhere!
Bryanp Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Well you found out about the old saying that if they will cheat with you then they will cheat on you. Actually I disagree with the previous posters. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you always want to know the truth? If I were the boyfriend I would certainly wish to know that the reason she broke up with me was that she was cheating with someone else behind my back and wanted to be with them. She is really playing the boyfriend for a fool. If you feel comfortable then I would applaud you for telling the truth to the boyfriend since he really has a right to know. Good luck.
Author gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 ok this has come across wrong. I want her to be happy I dont care who with. I was asking for personal advice on how to be when i see her and not let this bad situation ruin what was a good friendship before. Like i said it was just a messy situation. Only explained what has happened as thats what stopping me see her as a friend again and i have to see her soon and dont want to be wierd with her. Im a nice person, i no way bothered if shes with a man or woman and I no longer want a relationship with her. I hope it works with her bf, it shouldnt have gone in the first place.
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Gh, I don't see where you said specifically that you had no intention of telling him or anyone. But if so, good. I think we covered this topic in your other thread, right? I'm not being rude at all. I just don't think it's your business, so let it go. How do you deal with it? It comes back to the same issue: you're unhappy that she went back to her other relationship and a man. When you really let that go, then you will feel better. Right or wrong, as a friend, you have to accept her decision and what happens with her and her relationship is her business. Bryan, I understand what you're saying and I kind of agree with you. I would probably want to know (I think). He may already have an idea that she cheated or something went on but chooses to ignore it or move forward with her. I don't think it's up to Gh to let him or anyone else know. I'm sure he's a smart guy and he will figure her out sooner or later. I don't think there's anything to be gained for Gh to say anything.
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 ok this has come across wrong. I want her to be happy I dont care who with. I was asking for personal advice on how to be when i see her and not let this bad situation ruin what was a good friendship before. Like i said it was just a messy situation. Only explained what has happened as thats what stopping me see her as a friend again and i have to see her soon and dont want to be wierd with her. Im a nice person, i no way bothered if shes with a man or woman and I no longer want a relationship with her. I hope it works with her bf, it shouldnt have gone in the first place. Ok. Let's switch gears then. What do you do? You be friendly and cordial. You keep it light. You do your best to not think about the past with her. You do not bring up the subject with her at all. Before seeing her or them you keep going over in your head and heart that you are ok with everything. You act like everything is ok. Does that help?
Author gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 'Years ago my very good female friend and I had an affair for a couple of years and she was married.'... why would i take moral advice from someone that can do this to someone? Sorry but its true And yes i would want to know the truth as thats what i see a relationship based on, with trust, kindness and general compatibilty and as soon as u betray this its no longer a good relationship, but it is never my position to say anything its her choice to have that relationship, just a shame for him. I was never asking whether i should tell him..just how to be when i see her next!
Author gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 It has nothing to do with the fact it isnt with me or shes with a man, i have no issues with this. I want her to be happy and she is so this is perfect...we were friends and i miss that and want to be normal again if it is ever possible..it really doesnt matter just forget the thread
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Why would you take "moral advice" from me? Because I've been there and now I understand I should have been doing that. I was trying to help you by relating my past situation. But if you think the fact the I was a co-participant in an affair that makes my opinion somehow less valuable, then so be it. I'm not sure why you're struggling with the fact that you would want to know, so you think he should know. Sounds like you're unsure of keeping quiet. Regardless of all the above posts, you need to be as friendly and cordial with her and him as possible. You need to do your best to make her feel comfortable around you and that, I think, means that you have to come to terms with the past situation and be comfortable with it.
Author gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) Yes sorry, I was rude. I have never met him and never want to. We are away at university and he is at her home town so its highly unlikely i will be faced with that situation. Id never tell him, Ive been on the other end and id only ever want to hear from the person that has done that or its horrific. I'm worried ill see her and not deal with the situation at all, so want to be neutral in my feeling before i see her. But i am genuinley happy she is and have no issue with the fact its her ex or a man. Maybe i do still really like her but I dont want her and she doesnt want me so I dont even think of ways to get it back, especially not at the expense of an innocent man who would never deserve that hurt. If i didnt have to see her again, id would have walked away but this isnt possible. Edited August 28, 2010 by gh219
TaraMaiden Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I have to admit, looking at this thread, and more importantly, the thread title, I was under the immediate impression that you were of a mind to spill the beans, so I'm glad I read on.... The only bit of advice I can give you is so overly simplistic that you might even dismiss it as being ridiculous, but in any event, the way you prevent the situation from bothering you is exactly that. you merely determine that the situation doesn't bother you. it turns out that the liaison you had with her, turned out to be, in a manner of speaking, an FWB. I'm sure it didn't start out like that, but this is what in the end, it turned out to be. so really, you grab the handle, control what affects you and what doesn't, by mere refusal to give in to emotions which are NOT you, and do not Define Who You ARE. we are all subject to emotional responses. How far down the line we let these emotions hang on, and affect us, is largely down to us. Good Luck.
Author gh219 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Thankyou for your advice. I will try this. I dont agree we were fwb, it was more than that, but whats done is done so it doesnt matter now.
lkjh Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 I think he should know. If I read correctly she cheated on him with you, never told him, and is now getting back together with him. I think he has a right to know. People who say their relationship is none of your business would be right if you were a secluded third party, but in reality you were/are kind of a part of their relationship. What happens if she cheats again in the future and gives him an std? Also, I am sure she has given him hundreds of reasons for their breakup but none of them included her cheating. He has a right to know what was going on so he can decide what he wants. Thats just my take.
Author gh219 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Yes i agree with that in principle, but it isnt my place to say or be involved anymore in anyway. tbh i have lost that much respect for her to do this to him, at first she was of the same opinion that she wouldnt do that but has since allowed herself to live with it and that kind of relationship,that I cant care anymore. I think in time he will either find out or she will do it again, either way, it should be his choice but he also never asked so he may well think it and choose not to know, he did ask her when they were split if she was with a woman so I sure he had his suspicions, and her parents definately did. Either way I hope that they are happy and im glad im not the one being lied to , it isnt how i would behave but it isnt my relationship.
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Ok, at least you're coming to terms with it. I agree, I don't think it's your place to say anything. And, like we talked about, if she's a friend and you care about HER, it's best to not say anything. Even if you disagree with her morally and she was a good friend when you were together but not so much now, out of respect for what you did have and her friendship, I would not tell. I agree with what you said, he has his suspicions and she will probably do it again. He will find out on his own. This is an age old social debate; to tell or not tell. It's like if you were good friends with a woman and her husband and she was cheating with the delivery man. Would you tell him? Is it really your place? Another example: my good friend is cheating on his wife. I know her and she is a friend too. I don't personally agree that he should be cheating, but I'm not going to tell her and jeopardize his marriage. It's not my place, despite my moral convictions. Many would say I should not be his friend anymore. But unless a friend is a child molester, serial killer or something, I think you stand by your friend. I know, I know, this will open a whole can of monkeys that you should tell, that you shouldn't and so on!
Author gh219 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 Thankyou for your help. I genuinely dont care about this anymore. I have to much respect for myself to ever tell somebody that post breakup. I would gain nothing either way and I'm not bitter or nasty in my nature so I wish them all the best and hope, in a way for his sake, they can bury it and move on if they are happy. I have a happy life with a clear conscience knowing i couldnt do that and that is enough for me
Don Ho Posted August 30, 2010 Posted August 30, 2010 Cool. So what's your plan moving forward, met anyone interesting?
Author gh219 Posted August 30, 2010 Author Posted August 30, 2010 haha, I'm writing my thesis atm and I'm going into my final year of an architecture degree soon (very little sleep) and vc of a sports team so just planning on focusing on this and enjoying life and whatever it brings! I love doing my own thing so this suits me perfectly
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