CailinPig Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 My ex is in a foreign country, has a new girlfriend, is going to be moving in with her, YET, tells me he loves me, misses me, is attracted more to me than anyone else in the world BUT we can't be together because I hurt him too badly in the past and he's "trying to move on". By trying to move on, he means being in daily contact with me, telling me nice things about me, and telling me he's not sure about the girl he's with. Now, I'm not stupid or thick, but worse than that, I'm in love, and I know that amounts to complete lack of intelligience, but I just don't know why he would wanna do this. And I wanna know if anyone else is in this situation. We have a long and chequered past, if anyone wants to look at my posts.
teanoranges Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 1. he likes the ego boost he gets from you by telling you stuff like that. He doesn't want to feel guilty or have you going around telling people the truth about the kind of ********* he is. 2. he's not sure about the girl.. he likes her enough to be with her.. but not quite comfortable yet to let go of his back-up plan (you!) try to separate yourself from the situation. make it a point to live your own life! and the rest should follow. but do not let him take anything away from you. you deserve more than that.
Author CailinPig Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Teanoranges, thanks, I know logically what I should do. It's really hard though. I see other people say how hard it is that their ex's don't wanna be in contact with them, and I agree, that's so hurtful and devastating, but this? This is like a longterm illness, it rots your heart away after a while. And yet, OF COURSE, I worry about all the stupid stuff everyone else does - if I do NC, maybe he'll forget about me? How will I ever find anyone like him? Will I ever be loved again? All that stupid crap. The truth is, I'm going NC for a week at the moment. Why? Because I'm stubborn as an ox, and can't take the idea of permanent NC. It's so hard to lose hope, when ur ex is constantly giving it to you.
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 And yet, OF COURSE, I worry about all the stupid stuff everyone else does - if I do NC, maybe he'll forget about me? How will I ever find anyone like him? Will I ever be loved again? All that stupid crap. The truth is, I'm going NC for a week at the moment. Why? Because I'm stubborn as an ox, and can't take the idea of permanent NC. It's so hard to lose hope, when ur ex is constantly giving it to you. Ok Miss Ox, lets see how stubborn you are and if you can really maintain NC. Of course it rots your heart and YOU are letting it continue. BTW, that also means no reply when he contacts you. If you continue NC he will either pull his head out and realize that you're the one for him or that you're not. There is NOTHING you can do about that. For you to let him tell you all those things is just silly. It only hurts you and keeps the pain going. You will probably find someone BETTER than him if you move forward and work on improving yourself. NO!! No one will ever love you again! WTF? You know better than that. Ok. Get out with friends and get busy with your friends.
bonpaw2008 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 The truth is, I'm going NC for a week at the moment. Why? Because I'm stubborn as an ox, and can't take the idea of permanent NC. It's so hard to lose hope, when ur ex is constantly giving it to you. He is giving you hope because he is stringing you along. He wants to keep you hooked but he is moving in with another girl. You know what you need to do, I am very stubborn too and it was really hard for me to let go of the ego boost of hearing from him. But he is not with you, won't try, is trying to move on. Let him
Author CailinPig Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 I've been off all summer, and now I'm back to work Monday and that will help somewhat. But man, no contact is something i don't wanna do. I know i know i know all the stuff you're all saying is right. but i guess i wanna take it in baby steps. so, first of all, a week!
stillafool Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 By trying to move on, he means being in daily contact with me, telling me nice things about me, and telling me he's not sure about the girl he's with. I would tell him the above and then change all my contact info. Let him really move on with his new gf if that's what he wants. I certainly wouldn't be there for him to talk to.
teanoranges Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I think a lot of us fall into a situation similar to this.. its that 'friendship' that has some hope tied to it.. and we grab for it because its familiar.. a little less scary. Its easy to daydream about someone who had once loved us to love us again still. but its painful because we know they don't and we also fear change. but its also painful to completely let go into that unknown, to admit to yourself and in some cases to the world that it didn't work. Especially if you are stubborn about being in control or succeeding. I feel like a relationship that ends sometimes feels like a failure.. a failed relationship, when really it might be better to look at it as fitting a square inside a circle... its just not the right spot. you know? NC should not be scary because any strong friendship will endure it. How many friends do you talk to all the time, and how many friends do you go months without communicating with just to meet up one day for coffee and feel like old times? I fell into a pattern in my past relationship where I really lost track of my own thoughts. NC helps regroup your mind so that you can face things later, if need be, logically. Basically if he respects you, he'll understand NC and one day its possible you two can be friends. If he doesn't treat NC correctly, he's not worth your time or energy. At least, this is what I think I've learned. Good luck!
Author CailinPig Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 stillafool, yeah i know! He's clearly a bit confused about what moving on entails! Problem is, I'm not angry or upset with him, I really care about him, absolutely LOVE being in contact with him, and so, I don't actually wanna do anything to rock the boat! So there is really where my problem lies. I don't wanna get rid of him! Teanoranges, sounds like you know where I'm coming from. It would be scary for me to not have him in my life, I'm only 26, have had him in my life since I was 20. That's more than a fifth of my life, eek! I do depend on him and he does depend on me. It's a bit of a co-dependence issue on both our parts. See, I would gladly go out with him and end the craziness. But that's not happening right now. Honestly, why would I do NC at all? Well, to hopefully give him space to miss me and wanna be with me. But I can't honestly tell you I'm doing it cos I wanna move on. That said, if another guy came along who I had spark with, I'd give him a chance.
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Good Cailin! Yes one week at a time, one day, one hour, one minute if you have to, the same an alcoholic would do about not drinking. Baby steps are fine. So do a week and then tell yourself you're doing another week. I agree I would chance all your contact info and continue NC. Good luck.
Cee Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Honestly, why would I do NC at all? Well, to hopefully give him space to miss me and wanna be with me. But I can't honestly tell you I'm doing it cos I wanna move on. That said, if another guy came along who I had spark with, I'd give him a chance. The point of NC in my opinion is to sever an unhealthy relationship with someone so that you have a chance to grow. I didn't do NC to try to get the guy back. I did it to get me back. I'm concerned that you won't allow yourself to be alone and single. You are in a fantasy relationship with a man living in a foreign country with a girlfriend. And you will only end that relationship if someone else comes along. Why don't you try being alone for awhile? That's what I did. I went NC with my exes (still NC with most of them) and didn't date for 4 years. I didn't mean to be alone for that long, but I enjoyed being on my own so much, I put off dating. I've been dating and it feels great to have a clean slate and be baggage free. There's no man pulling the strings in my head. When I go on a date, I can honestly say that I am my own person.
Author CailinPig Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Cee, Situation is quite complex. We broke up about 2 years ago. Then I kissed someone he didn't approve of (while single) and then we started seeing each other, but he couldn't rid his mind of that guy. So he dumped me, and got with another girl. They went out for almost a year, but in that time, he was doing the same stuff as now, telling me he wasn;t sure etc etc. We eventually went NC, but only cos he chose it. He couldn't just be my friend. So we were NC 3 months, and then we started seeing each other again. But then he had to go to the Russian Army, and we broke up, I got over him and moved on with another guy. I don't even know why any of this is important. But basically, I can assure you I've been out there, I've met other guys since him, I'd dated and all that, and there is no-one who comes close to him. :'(
stillafool Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 The point of NC in my opinion is to sever an unhealthy relationship with someone so that you have a chance to grow. I didn't do NC to try to get the guy back. I did it to get me back. I'm concerned that you won't allow yourself to be alone and single. You are in a fantasy relationship with a man living in a foreign country with a girlfriend. And you will only end that relationship if someone else comes along. Why don't you try being alone for awhile? That's what I did. I went NC with my exes (still NC with most of them) and didn't date for 4 years. I didn't mean to be alone for that long, but I enjoyed being on my own so much, I put off dating. I've been dating and it feels great to have a clean slate and be baggage free. There's no man pulling the strings in my head. When I go on a date, I can honestly say that I am my own person. This is the healthy way to move on. I love that you didn't intend to be alone this long but were enjoying "yourself". I've been where you are and it is a wonderful new slate when you do start to date again. Good luck to you.
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