Kismetly Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I've been having an affair with a man who is in a relationship for about 6 months. We were both living and working in a remote country town. I allowed myself to fall into the affair because I knew I was only going to be there for another few months and figured there was no harm in it. He told me originally that he and his wife were separated, when pushed (not very hard or deliberately) it changed to separated, "but when I go home (about 6 hours drive away where he goes every fortnight or so) I stay there". Now he admits that when he's at home they basically "play happy families". He said early on that he and his wife don't have sex - but I've never pursued that line of questioning and he's never raised it again. So I left the job and community about 2 months ago. I was a Happy OW - whatever that is. I was satisfied with the relationship as it had been, I accepted that it had a used by date and I'd kept myself reasonably emotionally detached. I'd only been left a week, when he asked me to go back and do some work for his organisation. I went back for a couple of days and the affair resumed - but I still wasn't worried, because I was going abroad for a holiday and then starting work overseas. When I was on holidays we texted and e-mailed regularly - every other day or so and he asked if he could come and visit me between getting back from holidays and starting new job. I agreed So this week he came to my home town and we had an amazing 36 hours - where I realised I've fallen for this man. Hook line and sinker. How does that happen? The problem is both of us have been absolutely silent on issues about the "future". I'm into my career and work abroad for just over 2 weeks out of every month. When I'm not working I live 3000km away from where he lives. He talks about his kids - and I've met 2 of them, but doesn't talk about his partner (which I think is quite respectful and I don't really want to talk about her either - I hate that I'm potentially impacting on another woman's life and she doesn't even know it) I don't really know anything about his personal life. We've never talked about it - and to be fair, whenever he's tried to raise the subject, I've changed it. Although that hasn't been very often - maybe twice! We have both always joked that we don't talk about our "relationship" because neither of us has anything to offer. But you know how people always say don't listen to what they say, look at their actions - well the thing is - we both talk about "this is just sex", "this is the hottest sex I've ever had", etc etc - but it's actually very very intimate and connected and neither of us is "acting" as though this is "just sex". We act, in telephone conversations, visits and time we are together like two people developing a relationship - I'm leaving the country tomorrow morning for 2 weeks and I think what I have to do is go no contact. I think I have to let this go. There is a part of me that says "what's the problem? you're busy, you've got this hot piece of ar$e on tap (well as much as it can be 3000km away), you might as well enjoy it while you've got it." there is another part of me that says "this is not going to end well .... get out now." So this is my no contact challenge to myself - really to give myself some space to get my head together - No e-mailing, texting or calling for the 2 weeks and two days I'm away at work. I'll respond politely to his communications - but as far as he's concerned I want to be way to busy to have him in my head. I don't want to contribute to the man's marriage breaking up - he says that they are only staying together for the kids (and the broader family) - but that's his line - I don't know what she thinks and I suspect it's probably not quite so straight forward for her. It's lonely falling in love with someone you can't have. It's lonely and it's sad and I'm cross with myself (and in my delerious moments have ridiculous fantasies of running away with him!!!! yeah I know, it's crap). I wonder though if the "can't have" part is what notches up the attraction? So - here we go - 2 weeks and 2 days to get my head together to start with. Thanks for reading.
Just a stone's throw Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Kismetly, Welcome to LS. You seem to have your thoughts together and a good plan for removing yourself from what I too would agree is a no-win situation. I have been in a quite similar situation. My only question to you would be do you think it's fair to go NC without cluing him in to the what and why of your actions? Do you intend to stop communicating with him and for him to read your mind? And I'm just asking, but perhaps discussing that you don't think you can commit to a relationship with no future with him may be a better first step, clue him in that you're going NC then follow through. The other way to me (and this is just my opinion and b/c I've tried it both ways have seen it not be as successful if they don't know that you're going NC for a good reason) could give them the wrong impression and would not allow them and you to move on fully. Again, this is just my take on it, from my experience only. Good luck in your endeavors. JAST
NancyBotwin Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I don't really know anything about his personal life. We've never talked about it - and to be fair, whenever he's tried to raise the subject, I've changed it. Although that hasn't been very often - maybe twice!How can you fall hook, line and sinker for someone you know so little about? You know where I'm going with this right?
Author Kismetly Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Kismetly, My only question to you would be do you think it's fair to go NC without cluing him in to the what and why of your actions? Do you intend to stop communicating with him and for him to read your mind? And I'm just asking, but perhaps discussing that you don't think you can commit to a relationship with no future with him may be a better first step, clue him in that you're going NC then follow through. The other waycould give them the wrong impression and would not allow them and you to move on fully. JAST Thanks for your reply JAST. Good question. I guess I don't want to talk about it because I don't know what to say. It feels weird to go from being in a quick and dirty fling where it's all fun and games - to this place where I am now - and I think he'd be confused. LIke - what happened? He'd be like "We were going along having a great time and now all of a sudden you've got a girl germ up your bottom and want to talk about the future and commitment?" I also don't want to talk about it because once I have that conversation - it's very final. There's no way back for me from that conversation (and I know that's where I should be heading ultimately - but do I have to do that right away???). I guess, 2 weeks away, where there could be good technology and communication reasons for me not being able to contact him is a kind of escape hatch for me - I can take some time to think about it wihtout him in my ear and then perhaps have the conversation when I get home. Look - I don't really want to stop seeing him - but I know I have to. That's hard and I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually have this conversation with him. There are 2 possible outcomes to the conversation. I'm terrified of both. 1. He might say .... OK, see ya. that would sting 2. He might say - well let's think about what you're worried about and see if we can find a way through it. That would be difficult too because I'm not in a position to make any commmitments (and frankly it's too early in the relationship to do so.) That's the thing about affairs hey? YOu don't have the luxury of dating, taking your time, getting to know each other and then making a decision about a future .... that's why I've got to stop this ... I know, I know, I know ....
Author Kismetly Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Hi Hockeyfan - thanks for your reply. i would like to ask how you met 2 of his kids? He has had them out the community where we both worked to stay with him a few times while I was working there. They are nice kids, although the youngest is only 8, which is very young ... just a stone's throw as a very good point. i think you should be fair and let him know that you do not have plans to contact him (to respond to be courteous is not the same as no contact) and that you know the affair isn't something you want to be concentrated on but if your schedules should match up in the future, you wouldn't be against seeing him. but if you are in more deeply than you want to be, then i would probably just end it so that you don't end up like so many other women who wait months and years for something that may or may not happen. Actually ... your line is good ... that's exactly how I should put it, so I'm clear about my issue without appearing to be some psycho going from 0 to 100 in 36 hours. You are right - I like him and if things were different maybe it could work - but their not different and it is what it is and I don't want to wait for years and possibly really hurt his partner and kids - and MYSELF in the process. Thanks
Author Kismetly Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Hi Nancy How can you fall hook, line and sinker for someone you know so little about? You know where I'm going with this right? Yeah - I kind of know where your going ... but in my defence, I've known this fella for 8 or 9 months. We are both passionately committed to the work we do - we have heaps in common professionally and in our interests. We are good friends. I've been having intimate, amazing sex with this man for 6 months, we saw each other every day for the first 4 months and we've spoken at least every other day for the past 2 months. I don't know much about how he lives when he's at home with his partner and kids, but he's talked alot about his family of origin, his background, we have mutual friends and colleagues, I do know how he lives for the 12 days a fortnight he's not at "home" and I respect it. I think the thing that changed, is for some reason (brain chemistry?) I let down my guard this week and allowed a glimmer of romance into it - and it left me thinking that maybe I DO want a commited relationship (I've been avoiding that since my divorce 4 years ago). Maybe I DO want a life-partner. I haven't thought about those things for a long time .... point is however, that just because my priorities have changed, doesn't mean I can just mould him to make him fit them. Look I think he cares about me, and I think he's just as confused as I am. He's a 44 year old man, in a sex-starved marriage, deliberately living away from his family. He had a heart attack about 2 years ago and I reckon it slipped him into a bit of a mid-life crisis. He's got a lot of work to do on himself and a lot of ***** to get together before he's relationship material for anyone. I know all that with my head - it's my heart (that is usually very sensible) that's put me in a spin this week. Cheers
Author Kismetly Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 My compulsive posting today is perhaps indicative of how difficult it is for me to contemplate cutting contact with this man. So - I got a weird e-mail from him when I arrived at work which indicates he knows somethings up too - and he's obviously as useless at talking about it as I am. He says .....after a paragraph where he raves about some work I did for him, and in the context that I was leaving to go o/seas that day he wrote ... "I only wish the best for you hey...you are a free spirit and I have no desire to curb any part of you (maybe ciggs) you are as you are. I so appreciate your help inlcuding respecting and appreciating your views. I always look forward to hearing/reading from you so please conyimue to do that at every chance and oppoertunity..i've been trying to chse time and meetings with (some national politicians) but strangely i can;t get a connection...hahaha do you think somethings happening??? !@$% politics.... talk more anytime soon hey missing you x" Then this morning he sent a photo of himself "so I won't forget (him)" ?????? So - he's either freaking out and can read that somethings changed for me and he's reminding me that he likes it like it is and I should just stay in contact .... or .... he's worried that he's losing me and can feel that I'm withdrawing and is reminding me that he wants me to keep in touch. I don't really know what it means - and it's not like I'm mature enough (or brave enough, or ready enough) to ask him.
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