Why does this guy have such power over me?

[viennawaits]

Well, it has been months since my last update. Here is the quick version.

 

I am over a year since ending the A. OM left W and moved on (so I thought) and I stayed with H. 6 months later, H finally got sober again, and OM was going through his own alcohol crisis. I was true to a DC, but he works at the same large firm as I do and I heard all the updates.

 

H and I better and honest, but still no spark in our relationship. I have brought it up to him multiple times and the same old same old happens. I love him, he is my best friend, but I don't feel like we have any physical/romantic connection. I made a vow to be faithful and truthful and I have stuck to it.

 

Now, two weeks ago I find out that OM who was sober for 4 months fell off the wagon. He called. I called him back. We talked and talked and I got a lot of things off my chest. Not exactly DC anymore, but nothing has crossed the line AT ALL. I call H and tell him that I had the conversation. He is upset but grateful for the honesty.

 

The problem is, one little phone call and I am a complete wreck again. You know, it is over a year since I had a physical relationship with this guy and I turn to complete mush over a PHONE CALL. What the hell is wrong with me? I close my eyes and I see him. I still think about him! After a YEAR!!!

 

Part of the problem is definitely that my marriage, while open and honest at this point, is still not fulfilling. I told my husband so, and he blames the contact with OM. In one way he is right, but I know that if my marriage was where it should be this call would not have upset me so. What do I do?

[TaraMaiden]

Good grief, on the one side you have a (non)relationship with your husband, who basically is nothing more than a room-mate and confidant, and someone with whom you pass your days.

On the other we have a flake of a man, with no resolve, determination or respect, who crawls in and out of a bottle and basically, phukked your life up.

 

What to do?

 

You have, it seems, but one option in this case;

 

File for divorce, and ditch the OM loser.

 

Stay single for a while, and on your own, because I don't think you even know who the hell you are, let alone know what the deal is with these guys....

[viennawaits]

I know you are because I've come to the same conclusion. What baffles me (and sorta pisses me off) is that it has an effect over me at all. I am a smart and capable woman with a great career and everything else in my life under control. Yet, this guy is something I can't seem to shake. I know there is no future for us. I am not delusional. I haven't done anything stupid, and don't intend to with regard to the OM, but it frustrates me that it bothers me at all.....SIGHS

[TaraMaiden]

I understand this. One of my ex's was a complete low-life. I think part of the attraction might be that we want to make a difference. we want to think that we are such a good catch, and worth so much that yes, we can turn these peoples' lives around, we can change them, we have that power, we have the technology.

 

Well it's crap.

we can't. What ends up happening is that we bend over backwards to make them happy, comfortable and accepted, that they take it for granted, abuse the privilege and end up being dependant on our strong, independent wilful and straight-edged energy.

And they then proceed to suck us dry.

Until we become feeble-minded, weak and compliant.

So you'd better stop asking why, and see how, indeed you can take it back, re-claim it, own it and be strong again, to move on.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Women are indeed attracted to azzholes, guys they think they could fix. He is alluring to them. Also the reason you cannot feel the spark with your husband is that, Your still holding on to this OM in some fashion. If you focus on your H, you can regain it. It takes a long time and dilligent work to overcome an affair.

 

But once you called the OM, you basically reset the clock back to zero. Your husband isnt gonna tolerate anymore of your crap.

 

And soon enough he'll move on to something better, way better.

 

All this talk about your successful and strong, doesnt mean crap if you cannot be faithful. The only person you can control is yourself.

 

If you cannot control yourself file for divorce and go be with the drunk, let your husband move on... simple as that.

 

Sooner or later it'll happen anyways, because your not on board with recovery. Your just going through the motions.

[viennawaits]

@tarawaits --thanks!

@barracuda-- first of all, I don't want to "be with the drunk", I already am. My husband had now been through detox for the 5th time by my side. The reason I am still with him at all is because he saw it through almost 8 years sober. I know the harm alcoholism brings, so you have no need to lecture me on this. If you think he can find someone "much better" than the woman that saw him through all that for all those years, then maybe he should try his luck.

That aside, a relationship wit OM is not an option. I know this. I am not debating that at all. I maintained a DNC following last year's A and worked through many of the issues with my husband that needed to be addressed. This response is a purely emotional one, and one that I am neither proud of nor fully understand.

I was honest with H last night about our current situation, as I have been over the past 11 years of our marriage. But, it always ends up with me as the bad guy for pointing out the failings of our relationship instead of beginning the dialog that might save this marriage. I CAN be faithful. I was for years into our marriage, even through the alcoholism and crap, and am now again through sheer willpower. I am a 36 year old woman whose huband has bothered to have sex with her at an average rate of less than twice a year for EIGHT years. So, if you choose to be sanctimonious an paint me as some sort of tramp, go right ahead, cause I don't care and I know I don't deserve it. Perhaps you had a SO that cheated and didn't care enough about you to make an effort to save it . I am doingy best, and am confused that my heart always seems to tell me something differeent than my perfectly capable mind does.

[TaraMaiden]

it's TaraMaiden.

(The Maiden bit is sooooo important to me. )

 

Sometimes, there is little or no point trying to figure it out, while we're IN it.

 

The only thing you really should be trying to figure, is how to get OUT of it.

 

Look at the practical aspect of extricating yourself from this mess.

 

It means complete NC with your OM, and dropping that dysfunctional dynamic like a hot brick. He is alcohol dependent, but I think he may well be you-dependent too, so he has to stand on his own two feet, and prove - above anything else, to himself - that he can do that.

So cut that one.

 

 

Secondly, you really do owe it to yourself to file for Divorce and cut this tie, as well. Your H is also a drunk. (Why are you drawn to victim mentalities, by the way?) The relationship is toxic, because in a werid way, you are an enabler. These guys believe they can get away with it, around you, because you seem to tolerate it, and cushion it.

You really have to decide what you stand for, and equally, what you WON'T stand for.

 

Find a way to practically, physically get yourself out of that home environment.

Other friends? Family?

Are you adequately self-sufficient to afford rent on your own place?

Can you make it independently?

 

Look at the sheer black-and-white practicalities, unemotionally.

Time for the heart's "I wonder why"s, later.....

[viennawaits]

Tara,

you are right about the enabling. I know that. Could probably use some IC to figure that one out better. As for OM, he works in the same place as I do, so our contact since the call is purely professional. His drinking has put his current job in jeopardy, and I may not have to worry about him by the end of the year. As for H, he is here with me and I am the sole breadwinner. He is capable enough, and can go back to the states and work at any time. Financially speaking, I hold all the cards.

I am not a helpless victim here. I know that I can change it all. The only thing I am not willing to do is leave my job, but OM's stupidity may make that all moot.

Will make appointment with C and get back to you all. Thanks for listening.

[viennawaits]

I still messed up your name, TaraMaiden (Hanging head in shame). Please forgive me.

 

My PC just decided to take a break, and I am doing most everything on an iPhone, or I would be more diligent. Will be better in the future.

[TaraMaiden]

I'll send you some ash-wood branches for self-flagellation.

It's such a good tonic.

Nothing less than 50 lashes will do......