Lost_little_Angel Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 In a previous post I mentioned this one ungoing issue that I've been having within my relationship but it seems to be a dead issue... At least it does for now... But that's not what's bothering me anymore... Now my Bf won't end all contact with his exs!!! When we started dating I expressed to him that I wasn't comfortable with him being friends with these girls... Honestly some of them has no sense of respect... They call... They text... They even try to hang out with him and these calls or messages can be at 3 in the a.m... They simply don't care. Now my bf has an important job that doesn't allow him to change his number so I understand that he can't control what these females do but when they text him he responds which annoys the hell out of me... It's like why even bother answering them... What do u possibly have to talk about? But He says even though I gave up all my guy friends for him and ended any contact with my exs that he didn't ask me to and even though they're his exs He was friends with them b4 we met; and it isn't like he answers every single time they try and contact him ( which is true) but still come on why respond at all. He also says that we've been together for a year and almost 4 months so I should know that I have nothing to worry about. Yes I trust my bf but honestly it's to an extent... What am I suppose to do because I've been saying how I feel which seems to be for our entire relationship and it's not registering. I'm hurting because I did this for him without him even having to ask; so seeing that I'm asking for this one thing shouldn't he do it??
2sunny Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 a person's intent is shown by their actions. he holds a bigger priority in keeping in touch with them than he does your feelings. that would be enough for me to say b'bye! there are many reasons he stays in touch with them. you already know what they are... you know what to do.
northstar1 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 How often is this contact from his ex's? If it's once in a blue moon and it's a simple "how have you been" I wouldn't sweat it much. Some people don't think it's a big deal to stay on a friendly basis with ex's. However, if this is regular contact (ie. weekly etc), then you have a right to be upset and have to ask why he's replying to them, which is ofcourse feeding the cycle. He shoudl, if this is something that clearly bothers you and you've raised it many times, be respectful of your feelings. Ofcourse, you know why the are contacting him, so he should be putting you at ease and telling them he's in a relationship.
carhill Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 You shouldn't have 'given up' all your male friends for him. Did you do this voluntarily? I was unclear on the friends part... Sounds like a lopsided relationship to me. Balance things out by giving him some space. BTW, I don't know exactly what 'important' is, but I know enough business owners and other professionals, like doctors and lawyers, to know they have their 'business phone' (including a secretary/service to screen calls) and their 'private phone'. The business line is public and constant. The private one is whatever they want it to be. If they change it, and I need to know, I know. If not, not. Pretty simple, eh?
jenifer1972 Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 As someone who has been through this problem, with my husband when he was my boyfriend, I can tell you they would stop contacting them IF HE WANTED THEM TO. But it is clear from his prevaricating, that he really doesn't want them to stop contact. He loves the attention. And apparently nothing you say is going to stop him. This kind of guy may need some of his own behavior dished back at him. Usually people like this think it's fine if they do it, but not if their SO turns the tables on them. I noted whenever I had to contact my EX over divorce left overs, he was very attentive to the calls and emails...
stargirlxo Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 I'm having a similar problem at the moment, and I know it can really hurt. But my question is why you "gave up" your guy friends for your boyfriend? That seems kind of excessive, especially as you say he didn't ask you to.
Boundary Respect Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Cutting off contact with ex-girls/boys is a decision that must be weighed. It's definitely not a black or white situation, meaning just because you have a bf doesn't mean you have to cut off contact with all of the male friends in your life. Same goes for him with the female friends in his life. But... When you care about someone and helping a relationship grow, obstacles are sure to get in the way. The persistent ex-girlfriend, overly flirtatious friends, 3am phonecalls (no matter whom their from) create barriers to the success of relationships. We all have boundaries that can be crossed and it's perfectly normal for them to be crossed from time to time in a relationship. The BIG thing is how things are handled once an obstacle or boundary issue has been exposed. If your bf knows his contact with the ex is hurting you and ultimately your relationship, open communication about the issue is necessary and if it is not something you ever see yourself being comfortable with, he should stop (not because you told him to, but because he cares about the happiness of your relationship). That's the respectful thing to do. It sounds like you did this proactively with your male friends to avoid any issues being brought up. Of course, stopping contact can be tricky if the ex has no boundaries or wants your bf for herself. Changing phone numbers, blocking emails, defriending on Facebook are helpful. I'm in a situation similar to this now and all of those things would not stop the contact through the business phone. The most important thing for me, which seems to be impossible for my boyfriend is for him to tell her honestly, "I'm moving on with my life with my girlfriend and I'd appreciate if you didn't contact me." People keep their exes around for a reason and until you figure out the reason and address it, the problem will persist. You definitely can't forbid or make ultimatums - that will make things worse and you'll feel like crap. Our couples therapist said there is a common problem in verbally abusive relationships where after they break up, the abused person can't cut the ties with the ex who continues to try to control them and win them back. This dynamic happens because the controller/abuser is getting satisfaction from knowing they can control this person's life (and new relationship). The abused is told how awful they are or how they will never amount to anything and after a breakup the abused will keep the abuser around to try and prove to them they are happy in their new life and that they were wrong about everything abusive they said. I understand your pain for sure. After you communicated how this crosses your boundaries, if he continues to cross them, you need to choose your happiness over him. Waiting for him to change after he shows you time and again he is not willing to is the definition of crazy. I'm at that point now. Something a friend told me after I blamed myself for being un-accepting of the situation... Expressing your boundaries and what makes you happy (or not) does not mean you are controlling another person or being manipulative. It's not normal for a committed bf to continue a friendly relationship with an ex when he knows how it upsets the person he has chosen to be in a relationship with.
Boundary Respect Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Cutting off contact with ex-girls/boys is a decision that must be weighed. It's definitely not a black or white situation, meaning just because you have a bf doesn't mean you have to cut off contact with all of the male friends in your life. Same goes for him with the female friends in his life. But... When you care about someone and helping a relationship grow, obstacles are sure to get in the way. The persistent ex-girlfriend, overly flirtatious friends, 3am phonecalls (no matter whom their from) create barriers to the success of relationships. We all have boundaries that can be crossed and it's perfectly normal for them to be crossed from time to time in a relationship. The BIG thing is how things are handled once an obstacle or boundary issue has been exposed. If your bf knows his contact with the ex is hurting you and ultimately your relationship, open communication about the issue is necessary and if it is not something you ever see yourself being comfortable with, he should stop (not because you told him to, but because he cares about the happiness of your relationship). That's the respectful thing to do. It sounds like you did this proactively with your male friends to avoid any issues being brought up. Of course, stopping contact can be tricky if the ex has no boundaries or wants your bf for herself. Changing phone numbers, blocking emails, defriending on Facebook are helpful. I'm in a situation similar to this now and all of those things would not stop the contact through the business phone. The most important thing for me, which seems to be impossible for my boyfriend is for him to tell her honestly, "I'm moving on with my life with my girlfriend and I'd appreciate if you didn't contact me." People keep their exes around for a reason and until you figure out the reason and address it, the problem will persist. You definitely can't forbid or make ultimatums - that will make things worse and you'll feel like crap. Our couples therapist said there is a common problem in verbally abusive relationships where after they break up, the abused person can't cut the ties with the ex who continues to try to control them and win them back. This dynamic happens because the controller/abuser is getting satisfaction from knowing they can control this person's life (and new relationship). The abused is told how awful they are or how they will never amount to anything and after a breakup the abused will keep the abuser around to try and prove to them they are happy in their new life and that they were wrong about everything abusive they said. I understand your pain for sure. After you communicated how this crosses your boundaries, if he continues to cross them, you need to choose your happiness over him. Waiting for him to change after he shows you time and again he is not willing to is the definition of crazy. I'm at that point now. Something a friend told me after I blamed myself for being un-accepting of the situation... Expressing your boundaries and what makes you happy (or not) does not mean you are controlling another person or being manipulative. It's not normal for a committed bf to continue a friendly relationship with an ex when he knows how it upsets the person he has chosen to be in a relationship with.
CLC2008 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 In a previous post I mentioned this one ungoing issue that I've been having within my relationship but it seems to be a dead issue... At least it does for now... But that's not what's bothering me anymore... Now my Bf won't end all contact with his exs!!! When we started dating I expressed to him that I wasn't comfortable with him being friends with these girls... Honestly some of them has no sense of respect... They call... They text... They even try to hang out with him and these calls or messages can be at 3 in the a.m... They simply don't care. Now my bf has an important job that doesn't allow him to change his number so I understand that he can't control what these females do but when they text him he responds which annoys the hell out of me... It's like why even bother answering them... What do u possibly have to talk about? But He says even though I gave up all my guy friends for him and ended any contact with my exs that he didn't ask me to and even though they're his exs He was friends with them b4 we met; and it isn't like he answers every single time they try and contact him ( which is true) but still come on why respond at all. He also says that we've been together for a year and almost 4 months so I should know that I have nothing to worry about. Yes I trust my bf but honestly it's to an extent... What am I suppose to do because I've been saying how I feel which seems to be for our entire relationship and it's not registering. I'm hurting because I did this for him without him even having to ask; so seeing that I'm asking for this one thing shouldn't he do it?? Not cool. It's disrespectful + turnoff and I suspect, it may eventually begin to erode trust.
Author Lost_little_Angel Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 First off thank you all for your responses. It's been really helpful. Next, I spoke on the situation again a couple of days ago and it only got worse. I'm not going to get into details but I will say that I was extremely hurt by this one statement::: ( I'm not changing my number and if you don't like it then you can leave). I have never felt so shattered. Like we have our issues but never has he used that tone or choice of words and I feel like it completely broke me inside. I did leave and so did he so I went back home because my friend came over. We hung out until he returned that night and when he did I was still crying. Of course he held me and cuddled with me until I fell asleep but I still haven't received an I'm sorry. He's been really nice like always as if the fight never happened and it's good but I'm feeling depressed. I think about it and start to cry. My friends are worried because I'm the type of person that shuts down. I really don't know anymore
CLC2008 Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 First off thank you all for your responses. It's been really helpful. Next, I spoke on the situation again a couple of days ago and it only got worse. I'm not going to get into details but I will say that I was extremely hurt by this one statement::: ( I'm not changing my number and if you don't like it then you can leave). I have never felt so shattered. Like we have our issues but never has he used that tone or choice of words and I feel like it completely broke me inside. I did leave and so did he so I went back home because my friend came over. We hung out until he returned that night and when he did I was still crying. Of course he held me and cuddled with me until I fell asleep but I still haven't received an I'm sorry. He's been really nice like always as if the fight never happened and it's good but I'm feeling depressed. I think about it and start to cry. My friends are worried because I'm the type of person that shuts down. I really don't know anymore And what does that statement in bold tell you about his level of commitment towards you, after everything you've mentioned, and how hurtful it has been for you?
freestyle Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 First off thank you all for your responses. It's been really helpful. Next, I spoke on the situation again a couple of days ago and it only got worse. I'm not going to get into details but I will say that I was extremely hurt by this one statement::: ( I'm not changing my number and if you don't like it then you can leave). I have never felt so shattered. Like we have our issues but never has he used that tone or choice of words and I feel like it completely broke me inside. I did leave and so did he so I went back home because my friend came over. We hung out until he returned that night and when he did I was still crying. Of course he held me and cuddled with me until I fell asleep but I still haven't received an I'm sorry. He's been really nice like always as if the fight never happened and it's good but I'm feeling depressed. I think about it and start to cry. My friends are worried because I'm the type of person that shuts down. I really don't know anymore Hey LLA. I got really angry when I read this post. Basically, your bf pulled out the nuclear card---"My way or the highway!" If he doesn't apologize profusely, (sincerely!!) and show true remorse for hurting your feelings.....then he's just manipulating you. Also, pretending that he never said it, acting like it never happened, completely invalidates your feelings.(it's also a common tactic used in abusive relationships, both physical and emotional...sweep it under the rug, tra-la-la) If you take him back without an apology, then you're setting up a dynamic in which he gets to do whatever the hell he wants---and if you question him about it , he responds by withholding affection, or threatening to leave you.( giving you an ultimatum) If you allow him to treat you that way, he will respect you less and less and less. He already is disrespecting you, enormously. You can't have a healthy relationship when one partner shows that level of disregard for the other's feelings and point of view.You have the right to feel whatever you feel, and to set whatever boundaries you want in a relationship.Boundaries are not about controlling the other person--it's you drawing your line in the sand about what you and won't tolerate. Your bf crossed that line---it's up to you to enforce your own boundaries. If your bf learns that there are no real consequences for crossing those boundaries, he's going to do it again.And again. And again. If he ever pulls out the nuclear card again,just smile and say, "Okay." And show him the door.Or walk away with your head held high. Call him on his bluff.And don't take him back unless he demonstrates a willingness to respect your point of view as much as his own. I know this saying has been used a lot lately, but it really is true.......we teach people how to treat us.
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