Butilovehim Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 Prob best to read my last thread for this to make total sense. Ok so now talk about rug from under me... So his back. Been back a week and seems to be avoiding spending time with me. First night was tired and jetlagged.. Understandable so I made him dinner, we ate and spoke briefly and he straight to bed. Next night he invited all the boys (both the ones that travelled and ones that didn't) round for a catch up. Ok I'm cool with that, they had a great time he wants to tell his mates all about it. Next night it's his sisters bday and we go out for dinner, several things happen that make me uncomfortable. 1. In the car with his father and sister, his driving, they are talking bout holiday and pictures comes up in convo. I ask his sis to see the pics cause she is friends with his friends on fb (I'm not friends with his friends on fb their choice not mine) his sis responds with she has been told not to show me pics from fb and to ask my man bout it. I ask and he says that 1st friend thinks it's no ones business cause its his fb page. I'm shocked but it's his sis bday so I zip it. Then at the table bf is telling his dad far too much info bout what was going on in Thailand. Made me uncomfortable. I went to loo and asked that the convo be finished bout hookers before I came back. Then on the way out of the restaurant sis wants family pic and doesn't ask me to be in pic. Now since then when i try and talk to him bout anything he says I'm always arguing and he changes the topic to be bout how bad I am??? Then last night is the first night we both have no plans. He doesn't come home till 1am. This morning I ask to talk and he says his tired. We have sold our house and supposed to settle on Monday but found out that the purchaser wants another 2 weeks. I'm happy with this cause I'm not really excited bout living with his dad and sis. I ask what plans are for the weekend and he says we are moving and that his mates are coming over to help cause we only have next weekend left but he has promised to help his mate concrete??? Seriously what the hell??? priorities?? We then get into a massive arguement and he has left and has his phone off. I don't understand what's going on. Either he has done something that he doesn't want me to know about and he is feeling guilty or he has totally lost his mind. I don't know how to deal with this ad what the best action for me is. I just want to be happy but even basic conversation with him somehow turns into him telling how bad I am?? I honestly do everything for him and truly just want to be happy, respected and considered. Advice please???
stargirlxo Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 He was away for three weeks and won't even spend some quality time with you at the weekend? Not acceptable. You shouldn't nag him though, that will just push him further away. I suggest making yourself unavailable and let hime miss you for a change. Make plans with friends, don't be home when he expects you to be etc.
GrayClouds Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I truly just want to be happy, respected and considered. Advice please??? If you really mean that, then end the relationship, focus on healing and moving on. This guy is never going to give you any of those three things, it important that you a will too for yourself. .
9Lives Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 it sounds like its your boyfriends world instead of both of your guys world. the facebook thing is totally wack! it seems like he is picking and choosing what part of his life u can be parts of. plus the coming home at 1am thing is wack!! this don't sound like a good relationship for you. I don't like how you are being treated.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 The most ridiculous thing is I know ur r all so right and he isn't good for me but it's so hard to walk away. We have had issues in the past and he always comes back and I'm always waiting for him to. This time I have left and with my sis at her place. I think he thinks this is a joke cause he came back and we both agreed we aren't happy and I've explained I just want to talk bout basic stuff but he turns it into an agreement so I stop talking. His says his moving out today instead of in 2 weeks and is going to stay at his dads...*I go into bedroom and close the door*He calls out to me and said come here I wanna show u something I said no not interested he then asked a couple more times and I ignored him. He then came to the room an said wanna come for a drive with me?? I asked him if he was serious and what he was trying to do and then I left. His playing mind games. He had invited his mates to help so when i left they were out the front, I asked him to move his car so we both walked outside I put my head down and didn't say anything to any of them. 1 of his mates turned around and said to the others what is going on and none of them answered so I think they knew.*Is it just me or is he looking for a reason to leave?? I agree that he has separate lives it just hurts so much to think that he just doesn't care.... I want so much for us to be ok but I just can't take all of this. How do I not go back and stay away.
2sunny Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 he knows it's a good time to leave. you need to get on with a separate life too. he is completely inappropriate and disrespectful on many levels. his family and friends reinforce it too. you don't demand the respect you deserve. start living life as though you respect yourself... others will respect you too.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 I'm so confused. I agree he is totally taking advantage and now I want to know what the best thing is for me to do. This morning he smsd saying that he hated this and tat it's terrible I didn't reply. He then smsd after lunch wanting to talk but said that he was visiting friends of ours how just brought their baby home so it might be rushed but wanted me to go with him. I replied no. He then smsd that I should be with him (at his fathers cause we settled on a house and bought another that doesn't settle for 3 months) and that he wanted me to be there and to work things out slowly. I'm staying at my sisters house and live him so much and qsnt ti be with him forever but just want this pattern to stop. Advice?
Author Butilovehim Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Sorry that was meant to say I love him so much and want to be with him forever.
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 How's the pattern going to stop if you won't stop it? You keep playing into this it will just keep on happening, and repeating and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and happening, and repeating, and.... Are you getting it yet? The only way to stop the insanity is to stop playing into the behaviour. Go No Contact, mean No Contact, and Stay No Contact, whatever happens. leave it, don't reply, respond or react. I've just completely wasted my "breath" haven't I? Don't make any excuses. A mere 'yes' will be enough.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 TaraMaiden thank you for your reply. You haven't wasted your breath. I just don't want to accept that this relationship can't be saved I love so many things about him but if you see my other posts there are issues every 4 months and when it's good it's great but when it's bad it's terrible.
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Listen very carefully: A relationship takes 2 people. It takes 2 committed people. It takes 2 committed and dedicated people. It takes these 2 people to work on a relationship, keeping it happy, and equal, 100% of the time. It takes effort from 2 people to keep it buoyant, and to prevent it from becoming unbalanced, unequal, dysfunctional, and toxic. What do we have here? We have one person making that commitment, dedication and effort. We do not have 2 people making that commitment, dedication and effort. one person cannot sufficiently ever make enough effort, for 2. The commitment and dedication required from both parties cannot be manufactured or provided by one. You're in it for keeps. He sure as hell isn't. Nowhere near. So? it's really high time you stopped trying so hard, because whatever you do - it will never be enough. Ever. He doesn't want it like you do. He's got the casual laid-back, complacent attitude. He's taking it for granted that you'll just keep swallowing the schyt, because, hey, look, you're playing to form, and you always have. If you want to stop eating schyt, then change your habits. Because otherwise, that's all you are ever going to get.
Author Butilovehim Posted August 29, 2010 Author Posted August 29, 2010 Wow bit speechless... Ur sooo right. First real attempt for NC for me. Wish me luck.
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 More than you will ever know. Please read BOTH links in my signature. Take whatever is relevant, to heart, because Caliguy's link is actually about them breaking it off, not you. But a lot of it will help, because basically, he has "left" the relationship. He's a flake and not in it for the good of you both. So read them, and know that many have survived and lived to tell the tale. Do not succumb to any emotional pressure or temptation to reply or respond to anything he says or does unless it's a business-based matter. And then, reply in business-like, matter-of-fact, black-and-white terms. keep it unemotional. Anything else - he can go figure, because you're gone.
Anela Posted September 13, 2010 Posted September 13, 2010 I've been thinking about you ~ how are you doing?
Author Butilovehim Posted September 20, 2010 Author Posted September 20, 2010 Hi Anela well I'm ok and thank u so much for thinking bout me. I'm trying my best to stay strong. I have moved into my sisters and his at his dads. We have seen each other a couple of times dinner and breakfast and talk every couple of days but never specifically bout us and where we are at or what's happening. He says things like we are in a relationship but I truly believe he just doesn't get it. He talks as though we are ok and everything is normal. Talks bout when we settle on the other house. It's actually a*bit weird. He SMS asking to catch up but is constantly busy and never able to really catch up cause his got somewhere to be. I love so many things bout him but can't see this working out. *It's my 30th birthday next week and he called me last night to ask if I had specific likes cause he wanted to take me away but doesn't know what or where or if he can get time off work.. At first I was speechless and told him I didn't know what to say or what he was asking. I said if u don't know what I like after 15 yrs we have major issues and left it at that. I have arranged for us to see a relationship councilor tomorrow night and to be honest I'm surprised cause his never ever been interested in going cause when he was younger his mother passed away and the councillor he saw didn't get him or help him in anyway and told him not to take drugs etc which turned him off but this time he has agreed to go and thinks it will be good. Interestingly though he did say that he thinks they will be able to help you understand and help you And make sure you and so on, everything was about me not understanding. I think his in for a shock. I don't know what to expect or even what to say tomorrow *but I guess now we will wait and see.*Wish me luck...... I'm sure I'm going to need it....
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