I'm a new member. Really need some advice about my boyfriend and his ex :(

[stargirlxo]

Hi.

 

I've been so upset and confused for the past two days and I really need some good advice.

 

My boyfriend Jake and I are nineteen and are in university together. We met through my then roommate Anna at the beginning of last year and started seeing each other in March. He wanted to get serious really early on, and to be "boyfriend and girlfriend" straight away but I was less keen. I wasn't seeing or interested in anyone else but I didn't want to rush things. We kept seeing each other and in May we made things official.

I learned about his ex girlfriend Carrie really early on. She actually came to stay in my house because my old roommate is her best friend. This was soon after I had started seeing my boyfriend. It was totally awkward for me, but I got the feeling that Jack was enjoying the fact that she was meeting me and that we were both jealous. He wanted me to come out with them that night but I felt too uncomfortable. Me and Carrie weren't being very friendly towards each other and eventually I just went to my friends house.

So knew Jack, his friends, Carrie and my roommate were going out together that night. I was lying in bed feeling sick with worry that Jack and Carrie might hook up. I was still awake when I heard Anna come home, alone. I don't know where Carrie slept because I didn't hear her come in that night. I assume she slept at Jacks and in his bed. They may have hooked up, though I never asked him and I don't know for sure. Looking back, it actually makes me really, really angry, but because we had only just began to see each other and hadn't discussed veing exclusive, I just let it go. I didn't want to seem jealous and possessive, though I felt that way.

Things were fine then for a while, though I used to see text messages from her flash up on his phone sometimes, which pissed me off, but again, I said nothing. He told me they were just friends now.

Then Jack and I became exclusive. He started mentioning her all the time in conversation, so I knew they were talking and hanging out. He was obviously doing it to try and make me jealous, which I tried not to show, but it did. Then a mutual friend I have with Carrie told me she had said something mean about me, which really pissed me off. I told Jack and asked him to stop mentioning her all the time. I also mailed Carrie on Facebook to tell her I heard what she said and asked her did she still have feelings for Jack. I suggested she find someone new.

That was three months ago and because he stopped mentioning her to me I forgot all about her. We are on our holidays from college so we are both living at home again. Our houses are an hour away from each other so we don't see each other more than once a week or so. Two nights ago, he was staying over at my house and he got a text message. He was reading it and said "thats weird". I was sitting beside him on the couch and when he said that I glanced at his phone out of curiosity. It was a text from Anna, my old roommate, Carries best friend, and I saw Carries name in the text. He texted back a few times. I was going crazy at this point wondering what was going on but I didn't ask. I couldn't sleep that night wondering about it, so when Jack was asleep I took his phone into the sitting room and looked through his texts.

The text from Anna said "Carrie is back from Spain next week if you want to come party with us. You may not want to, just letting you know. You used to love her once." He had replied saying "I'll have to see about work" and then they made small talk for a while. I looked through the rest of his texts and found one from Carrie, which he had saved from May that said "Great seeing you today xx". Thats the one that hurt the most. If they are just friends, why is he saving messages from her for so long? All the other texts from friends were recent, and the only other ones he had saved were from me.

 

I think he still has feelings for her and its upsetting me so much. I havn't seen him since the morning after that happened, he had to get up early for work so he didn't notice that I was off with him. Then he texted me today and I didn't answer. I'm so confused about what I should do and what I want. I'm thinking about breaking up with him, but I don't know if I'm overreacting. What do you think?

 

Thank you for reading this, I know its long.

[meerkat stew]

Most people don't tolerate any of that sort of contact with exes while in exclusive relationships, I sure don't. You would be within your rights to tell him straight up that remaining in contact with her at all is disrespectful to you and your relationship.

[Lost_little_Angel]

I know how you feel and I think you should tell him exactly how you feel... I don't suggest you mention going through his phone because guys tend to try and make the situation become about you being sneaky instead of addressing the facts. If you do mention the phone be prepared for this an stand your ground... But honestly if he doesn't seem to care do yourself a favor and don't just let it go cause then he'll think he can get away with anything

[Green]

I think the way this guy is treating you is horible. You need to stop worrying about looking jelouse and speak up for yourself. DUMP HIM things have gone to far he can't be trusted.

[Citizen Erased]

I'm with Green, dump him.

 

Anyone that gets kicks out of making their partner jealous is not relationship material in my books.

[NancyBotwin]

I'd say dump your roomie Anna too. She's stabbing you in the back!

[stargirlxo]

I'd say dump your roomie Anna too. She's stabbing you in the back!

 

I dumped Anna long ago, she's just as much of a bitch as her best friend.

[stargirlxo]

I'm with Green, dump him.

 

Anyone that gets kicks out of making their partner jealous is not relationship material in my books.

 

Thanks to everyone who answered, I really appreciate it.

 

Its true that he's insecure, and deliberately tries to make me jealous. Part of me really wants to break up with him, but another part of me still loves him and will miss what he have. So I'm going to try to take small steps towards a break up. First step is to ask to look through his text messages with him and confront him about it. We go back to college next weekend so I won't see him until the week after. I suspect there will be more texts from Carrie by then. I'll let you all know how that goes...

 

This is so hard

[Ellezz]

As someone going through the similar trouble, I know how you feel, it sucks. Why do people contact with their exs if they already have a current SO who loves them...

 

I agree he treated you terribly by making you jealous back then, but now he seems to reply appropriately to anna's text and at least most of his saved texts are from you, he does love you...As you said you still love him, why not give it a little more time to see if he's actually over the ex. How is the confronting thing going?

[Maggotface]

Carrie absolutely needs to be cut out of the picture. She can't be friendly towards you, his new woman, and she can't respect your guys relationship. It sounds like your man and carrie cant get over the past they had together, either let him go or tell him to let her go, cant have it both ways.

[stargirlxo]

Thanks Ellezz, sorry to hear that you are experiencing it too.

I havn't been able to confront him yet because he is busy with work and I won't see him until next weekend. I don't want to do it over the phone. I've been ignoring his calls and texts, mostly because I feel confused about what I should do. His ex aside, all this has made me think about the entire relationship and whether I still want to be in it. Your right, he does love me, but he's so insecure that he needs to make me jealous and have other girls paying him attention too. Since the beginning I've had a funny feeling about him, and I think its time to stop ignoring that instinct.

I just don't know if I will be able to end it right now because I still love him. Before I decide I'm going to ask to see his text messages next time we meet up and if there are any from Carrie after this week that will certainly help with my decision.

[stargirlxo]

Thanks Maggotface, love that name btw, made me smile. Your right, he needs to let her go. But I just don't think I want him to do that because I asked him to. I don't think that would be enough for me. He should choose to do that himself. Especially as he never has anything but bad things to say about her. Of course, in HIS version she was entirely to blame for the break up and he treated her perfectly throughout, which cannot be true. Actually the fact that he still feels angry at her kind of shows that he's not over her.

 

I KNOW I should end it and I would tell someone else in my position to do that, but it is far easier said than done.