Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 (edited) Married 17 years Two boys 11 & 6 Declining relationship resulted in my wife's infidelity. Gave her a chance to stop - she didn't. I have been living in the guest bedroom since she admitted it 7 weeks ago. I asked her to leave. She won't. We both want to stay in the home with the boys, just with the other gone. She doesn't want to talk about what happened or how to proceed. I have filed for divorce. She probably suspects it, as she saw a lawyer yesterday. She will be served next week but I want her and I to tell the kids before. Any suggestions on how to do this? Do s and Don't s ? Any experiences with how horrible this is going to be? What do you say about a situation where the judge will decide? What were some unexpected questions your children asked about? Edited August 27, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys
billswi Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I am still wrestling if it will come to this with my 3 and 5 year old....we are not to that point yet. But I was the 10 year old with an 8 year old sister when the news was broken to us. My parents both sat down at the breakfast table and told us they were getting a divorce. Just smple and straigh forward like that. My sister really had no reaction, just sorta...OK, whatever. Even though I knew it was coming (kids aren't stupid, even though I was below average), it still was like a punch in the face. I hated my sister for not having a reaction and am still not very close to her to this day. We asked why and the answer was simply that they didn't love each other anymore, and they kept re-assuring that it wasn't our fault and that they loved us....funny thing is I never doubted that. Years later the details came out that my mom had cheated. But by then it didn't really matter to me,both parents had moved on and both were just about as big a part of my life as they could be without being married. They stayed curtious to each other in front of us, and with only a few exceptions made everything as smooth as possible for us. We lived with my mom and went by my dad every other weekend. When I turned 12 and could decide for myself I chose to mocve in with my dad and went by my mom every other weekend. To this day they are cordial to each other regarding the grand kids and such. It is very obvious they dont like each other, and now that my sister and I are adults, they badmouth each other in front of us, but they know we don't like it and keep it to a minimum. This was 20 years ago and I still remember the Honey nut cheerios I was eating....the blank look on my sisters face.....the robe my mom was wearing....my dads flannel shirt for work. I don't know if I'm helping or hurting, probably a little of both. I have played this scene and my life since over in my head thousands of times when thinking about my current situation. It's hard no matter what, but I hope that you and your soon to be ex will be good parents to your kids and not use them as pawns, or turn one on the other. Don't teach them to think there mom is a cheater. She is their mom and they should love her with all thier hearts until she deems fit to tell them. Make sure she doesn't paint you as the cold leaving father who doesn't really love his boys and wanted to be free (this will come up more when you meet someone new). Also be very clear (this should be discussed with your ex when all is said and done at some point) that any step parents that come into play, are not mom or dad replacements. There is a lot more stuff I could go into.....maybe as you have more questions. Good luck, and I might be calling on you for some advice when/if my turn comes. Bob
Author Dad_of_2_great_boys Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 But I was the 10 year old with an 8 year old sister when the news was broken to us. This was 20 years ago and I still remember the Honey nut cheerios I was eating....the blank look on my sisters face.....the robe my mom was wearing....my dads flannel shirt for work. I don't know if I'm helping or hurting, probably a little of both. This wasn't the perspective I expected to receive a reply from but WOW! Thanks for sharing. My parents both sat down at the breakfast table and told us they were getting a divorce. Just smple and straigh forward like that. We asked why and the answer was simply that they didn't love each other anymore, and they kept re-assuring that it wasn't our fault and that they loved us....funny thing is I never doubted that. Years later the details came out that my mom had cheated. But by then it didn't really matter to me,both parents had moved on and both were just about as big a part of my life as they could be without being married. I guess I need to think of how to handle the WHY? I wanted it to be known that she cheated. Especially since the custody and residence is up in the air. If I am ordered to go - I don't want them to think I filed to leave. I am fighting to be with them. They need to know this. There is a lot more stuff I could go into.....maybe as you have more questions. Good luck, and I might be calling on you for some advice when/if my turn comes. Thanks again. I hope I can be of help. For now, I will offer my prayers.
billswi Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I guess I need to think of how to handle the WHY? I wanted it to be known that she cheated. Especially since the custody and residence is up in the air. If I am ordered to go - I don't want them to think I filed to leave. I am fighting to be with them. They need to know this. To elaborate on that a bit....my parents put us 100% first. My mom never tried to turn us against dad and vice versa. My dad didn't use any of these facts to help him during custody and my mom didn't try to keep us from him. They did what they had to to make it as perfect for us as it could be in a completely imperfect situation. It sounds like you and your wife might not be up to that sort of thing....honestly I have no idea how my parents did it. If you think she is going to play games, then yes, it needs to be knowm, but don't paint her as a monster. The boys need a mom, it will shape how they treat and love women in the future. Just tread lightly. If you think the tables could turn and you will be barred from seeing your sons, leave a letter with a relative that can and will deliver it to them, offering an explanation and helping them through it. The 6 year old is going to understand a lot less, the 11 year old will understand a lot, but not truely understand all of it. Hell, we are 30-40-50 and we still dont understand it. Mom is supposed to be the sweetest most beautiful wonderful person in the world, and Dad is supposed to be the super strong, super hero protector....this shouldn't change in the eyes of your kids. Both of you should understand that. I really hope you can figure that out between you two.
quankanne Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I wanted it to be known that she cheated. I'm with Bill – you need to put the kids' feelings first no matter HOW pissed off you are with your wife. At some point, they'll start asking questions and will find out what's going on, but for now, keep it short and simple, "Mom and I are getting a divorce. We can't make our marriage work, but know that it has nothing to do with how much we love you, or the fact that we will stand by you." both my sisters divorced within months of each other (husbands cheated on them). First sister handled it badly by bad-mouthing their father in front of them, telling them their father didn't want them, etc, and those kids are now in their 30s with some serious issues about marriage and parenting, even with their relationship with their dad. And he's really not a bad person, just made some stupid decisions while he was married to her. other sister's kids were younger than my niece and nephew (they were 9 & 11, her boys were 5 & 6), and she kept things really simple: "Daddy and I don't love each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. But we love you very, very much." And no matter how upset she got with her ex, she never ever talked bad about him, but rather let the kids figure out for themselves what kind of person he was. And even then, she'd tell them "You might not like how he is, but he's still your dad, and it's okay to love him." And I think her boys have a much different outlook on love and marriage and family, even though my sister and her ex have each remarried ... look, the kids might or might not ask questions or even appear concerned, but if you do your best to reassure them that regardless of what's going on in their/your lives, you and their mom love them, they'll still have a sense of security. Any questions they do have, keep it age appropriate. As in, your preteen son don't really need to know that Mom screwed around, because it's not his place to know. The truth will eventually come out, but you owe it to your boys to treat them with respect, not use your wife's behavior as ammo against her. Because believe you me, the minute you start trashing your wife, your boys are going to lose all respect for both you and her, and that's an awful cruel thing to do when they love the both of you ... just my 2 cents
Ronni_W Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Research it. Do a search at amazon.com, and then head to the library. It's an extremely important task that falls to both of you, and requires a delicate, compassionate touch. No doubt you feel that your kids deserve all the time and effort that you will spend, in order to educate yourselves as much as possible. If your STBX won't do her part, no matter. Your kids still have you
denise_xo Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Hi Dad, my parents divorced when I was seven. It was a complete shock to me, I had noticed some arguing but divorce hadn't been on my radar. I came home from school one day with my father's stuff outside the door and they were telling me he was moving out. Looking back at it and the subsequent years from an adult's point of view, the only times I still remember as painful were when my parents would speak spitefully about each other. My mother did it more than my dad, because he had cheated on her multiple times. My dad only did it on one or two occasions. In short, I second quankanne: DO NOT speak badly of your wife with your children. It creates intense loyalty conflicts. Keep the issues you have with your wife between the two of you. My mother did tell me about my father's infidelity when I was a bit older, but she managed to do that in a way which wasn't as spiteful as some of the other stuff she had said about him. You can tell your sons when you're ready to discuss it with them in a more 'objective' manner, when they are old enough, and when things are a bit more settled.
Darth Vader Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 To elaborate on that a bit....my parents put us 100% first. My mom never tried to turn us against dad and vice versa. My dad didn't use any of these facts to help him during custody and my mom didn't try to keep us from him. They did what they had to to make it as perfect for us as it could be in a completely imperfect situation. It sounds like you and your wife might not be up to that sort of thing....honestly I have no idea how my parents did it. If you think she is going to play games, then yes, it needs to be knowm, but don't paint her as a monster. The boys need a mom, it will shape how they treat and love women in the future. Just tread lightly. If you think the tables could turn and you will be barred from seeing your sons, leave a letter with a relative that can and will deliver it to them, offering an explanation and helping them through it. The 6 year old is going to understand a lot less, the 11 year old will understand a lot, but not truely understand all of it. Hell, we are 30-40-50 and we still dont understand it. Mom is supposed to be the sweetest most beautiful wonderful person in the world, and Dad is supposed to be the super strong, super hero protector....this shouldn't change in the eyes of your kids. Both of you should understand that. I really hope you can figure that out between you two. Your mother didn't put you 100% first, when she cheated on your father, she also cheated on you and your sister. She took time that she could've spent with the children and gave it to another man! She also caused the breakup of your family! I don't know if you saw or heard anything, even seeing the OM, but she destroyed your home and chances are, she still doesn't accept responsibility for her actions. She probably argues with your dad, because she's still blameshifting onto him. Your mother needs to own her destructive ways! This is all true, from my point of view. You're right though, children can sense something wrong in the air!
billswi Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 Your mother didn't put you 100% first, when she cheated on your father, she also cheated on you and your sister. She took time that she could've spent with the children and gave it to another man! She also caused the breakup of your family! I don't know if you saw or heard anything, even seeing the OM, but she destroyed your home and chances are, she still doesn't accept responsibility for her actions. She probably argues with your dad, because she's still blameshifting onto him. Your mother needs to own her destructive ways! This is all true, from my point of view. You're right though, children can sense something wrong in the air! I do get that. We were specifically talking about how to handle the divorce and how to handle telling the kids....not what led to the divorce. There is a lineal sequnce of things that happen, and I see many posters here in many threads, not seeing that. They get fixated on one action, or once sentence. The OP wanted to know how, or get some feedback on what he should do with his sons. People have been putting in what they feel. Explaining things to me, about my life that had no effect on the action of telling us they were getting a divorce, does not help the OP at all. It only confuses things. Sorry for the obvious frustration, but it seems the 2 threads I have participated in, my posts seem to get taken apart and destroyed. I honestly thought I had something to bring to the table to help the OP.....I apparantly was wrong. Thanks. Sorry OP.
spriggig Posted August 29, 2010 Posted August 29, 2010 (edited) We had to tell our 11-year-old son in March. The first thing I did was confront her on a Friday morning before she left for work and told her she had to leave the house that weekend and that we would be telling our son that night. Although she was still in the house, she was sleeping in the spare bedroom and we had been "communicating" via text almost exclusively. That evening I texted her that it was time and that we should meet in the kitchen. We sat down and after a pause, she looked at me and said "Do I have to do this?' What I wanted to say was "You're the one who cheated, you're the one who wants the divorce, YES you have to tell him!" I just said "Yeah, this is your thing." She just said it, telling him the details we had worked out where he would live and go to school, etc. He started to cry, and tried to leave the table but she held him back and asked if he had any questions. He said no and went to his room. I got up and said to her "You did this and none of us deserved it." After a few minutes I went to his room alone and told him I was sorry, it wasn't his fault and that I tried everything I could think of to save the marriage but it didn't work. The most important thing to remember is to NEVER fight in front of your kids. Simply refuse to engage if the kids are there. Edited August 29, 2010 by spriggig
Darth Vader Posted August 31, 2010 Posted August 31, 2010 I do get that. We were specifically talking about how to handle the divorce and how to handle telling the kids....not what led to the divorce. There is a lineal sequnce of things that happen, and I see many posters here in many threads, not seeing that. They get fixated on one action, or once sentence. The OP wanted to know how, or get some feedback on what he should do with his sons. People have been putting in what they feel. Explaining things to me, about my life that had no effect on the action of telling us they were getting a divorce, does not help the OP at all. It only confuses things. Sorry for the obvious frustration, but it seems the 2 threads I have participated in, my posts seem to get taken apart and destroyed. I honestly thought I had something to bring to the table to help the OP.....I apparantly was wrong. Thanks. Sorry OP. No, I wasn't attempting to take apart or destroy your post, just asking you some questions. It's part of the LS forums. Everyone does it out of curiosity. You will too, in time.
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