Just kind of broke up but maybe not ?

[Deerinheadlights]

I have been google searching and found this site. I just wanted some advice. I have been dating for about 5 years. I am 25+ and she is as well. She has been distant for about 6months and we kind of just kept going. However, she did tell me 6 months ago that she had doubt but we kept going and she was trying to let it pass. I have had some family and financial issues recently for about 1 year and I am sure it has affected her perception of me and our future together. However, we were still okay, not great, but still okay. She recently moved to another place (which was planned) but intially said she wanted me to move in and then changed her mind to just hanging out. It later became that I should just stay over a couple of days (like the weekends) and not during the week. This month she took two trips during which she would come back and tell me about her trip. We were hanging out in between these trips. I would ask her about how things were and if she missed me at all. (Her relply was essentially NO, not really) The first trip she called me when she got there. The second she did as well, but didn't even tell me when she got back and when we did hang out she seemed distant and ignored me. I am busy now as well with other things in my life and this relationship is distracting and messing with my head. When I asked her if we should continue, she says she is not sure. She has doubt and says that she just doesn't know. I have told her that I am more than willing to work at our relationship but that if she did not then I would try and move on. She keeps saying that she doesn't know and I keep tellign her to let me know so I can move on or stay. Currently, I cut off all contact and told her that I did not want to do this but that I wanted an answer from her, which she refuses to give. Should I just assume that our relationship is over and move one or should I still try to stay in contact. Should I just give her time? Please understand that I really do care and this is my first real relationship. I know she cares, but she has told me that she has doubt about marrying me. Any advice would help. Thanks for listening.

[Don Ho]

Well bro, I hate to say it, but it was OVER 6 months ago and you failed to recognize it. REGARDLESS of other issues. You should have had some self-respect and ended it then. Her interest level in you is LOW and not getting any better. She is just "going along" with you until she finds another guy. Then she will dump you flat on your ass. Question: are you ready to have some balls or be a big pussy?

 

If you have balls, you will go to her and say exactly the following: "I've noticed over the past six months that you don't seem the same. I don't think your heart is into this. I think it's best that you break up with me". You want HER to break up with you. Take my word for it. If she doesn't have the balls, you do because you are a MAN and do not want to waste anymore time with a dead end situation with a woman that doesn't want you.

 

If she won't answer, then repeat. If she still won't answer or is wishy washy, then you MUST tell her: "I can tell from your lack of response that you do not want this relationship and I will consider that YOU have ended it". THAT'S ALL!!! NO crying, hugging, pining away, begging from you or her. You get your happy ass up, say "take care" and immediately walk out and shut the door. Delete ALL her contact info. That is what a MAN would do. DO NOT contact her or respond to her. Let me know if you're a MAN or a PUSSY.

[Deerinheadlights]

Well Don Ho I did just what you said over the phone because she called me later today. She just remained completely silent after I essentially said what I needed to to end the relationship. I asked her to say something then she said she couldn't or wouldn't. I then essentially said well then what do you think of everything that I have said. She just said she doesn't know how to feel and is not sure one way or another if she wants to be with me. So then I just said well nice knowing you and hung up the phone. Although I was kind of upset with her LACK of a response, I do feel better with what I did. I also told her to not contact me anymore as I wanted nothing to do with her. Any advice on how to proceed at this point? I am a little lost at the moment but I am suprisingly glad I did break it off. I do feel she was using me as emotional support while in transition of looking for somethign better although she has on multiple occasions stated she is not looking for anything. Thanks for the advice and any additional advice would be helpful.

 

Thanks

[Nappeal]

Let me give some personal advice:

 

My ex BF started slowly detatching 3 months before the break up. We would be sorta in & out before hand, and even once or twice breifly 'broke up', only to get back together (for the life of me, I can't remember who always initiated contact...prob me). Anyway, I would ask him over text basically 'what's you're deal? You're no longer acting interested' for all those months. He would NEVER answer, instead he'd reply w some kind of random BS that had nothing to do w what I had asked. He still acted like everything was fine and he was into it for those last 3 months, until the last 2 weeks...he was WAY distant, didn't bother for sex, and the last wkened we slept together in bed, he didn't cuddle - THAT was not normal. Then bam. I don't hear from him for 3 days, and once I ask again what's up, he sent me a 1 line text that it wasn't working. I haven't heard from him since...3 weeks ago.

 

I KNEW something was up w him, and now looking back @ the very last point of the relationship I believe he was seeing someone else based on his behavior. I am angry he didn't fill me the fk in long before he dumped me, but I can't dictate or change someone else's behavior. Now, I'm sorta left to pick up my pieces even tho 1) I already had an inkling something was wrong, and 2) he's very much moved on.

 

What I'm saying is, because of how he was acting, I ignored my gut, and I got hurt. He hadn't been fully in the relationship for months, but instead of attending to the big and obvious, and I paid more attention to the little and miniscule...those things that led me to believe he still loved me and cared. Big mistake.

 

It sounds like your relationship was also over months ago, she just didn't have the damn guts to say it to you, instead she drug you along. Based on how she's acting, I would assume she has NO interest in the relationship, nor does she want to stay. She is just too cowardly to say something to you. I agree fully w DonHo...demand an answer so you're not left guessing in the future. If she cannot give you what you want, then yes, take that as your answer, put the blame on her and move on.

 

ETA: Good job! I just read your reply to DonHo. You're not guessing anymore, and what a selfish and disconnected 'reply' to you. Start no contact, stay no contact, and do what's necessary to move on. IF she feels remorse, she'll let you know...its just important now that you focus on YOU and let this go.

Edited August 28, 2010 by Nappeal

[Don Ho]

Wow!! WTF?? Congrats my friend you do have balls and you're not a pussy! Good fkn job. That is how a MAN handles business. I would have put it more on her; it's always best to have them break up with you so they will have to chase you and contact you if they want you back. But that's good! And you feel better! You know what bro, start moving forward with your life. You knew it was over six months ago so you had to be somewhat prepared. What now? Stick with what you said: NC and do not respond to her. Then go get some dates, go out with friends, go clubbin, hang out at Starbucks, join Match.com or something.

 

I HOPE and PRAY that guys and girls on here will see this post. Nappeal: see? Your intuition was right. You knew something was wrong and he was too much of a pussy to tell you. So for everyone on LS in this situation, as soon as your S.O. starts acting strange and backing off, YOU back way, way off and let them contact you. If it continues drifting along and it's the same as before, then have them break up with you BEFORE they dump you. I have been in this situation recently. I ignored or didn't put 2+2 together with my intuition. My Ex may have dumped me if I had backed way off anyway, but me hanging in the picture definitely got me dumped.

[GrayClouds]

Deer by doing what you did you said to her and more importantly you deserve better. Read the following to get some good advice on how to move on:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?

 

Remember to keep the focus on you stay NC including NCC (No Cyber-Contact). Give yourself some time to feel bad, try to learn what you can from the break-up and make life all about you for while. You have been in a relationship for awhile, spend some times on your own and with friends and family, defining yourself outside a relationship. Do this all and you will be better in time and in the long run.

 

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[Deerinheadlights]

Thanks all for the advice. Although I am confident now, I do feel myself feeling bad now. But I will apply this "NC" rule as best as I can. I do not imagine her calling me but she may as she is clingy when she is alone w/o her friends and lonely and no one is there support her... of course unless she meets someone else. I can honestly say that at the end of our relationship, I have now become a clingy person when it was her that used to call me everyday in the beginning. I really do love her and I do understand some of her reasons for acting the way she has. However, I have completely changed the person that I was to be with her and it tears me up knowing that she has now left me after I have changed so much for her.

 

I also do feel she is cold and she doesn't truly understand what loving someone is. But then, maybe it is just me as I am the one in this position. She has had other long-term relationships while I have had only one real relationship. I appreciate all the support here as I have stopped talking to pretty much all of my friends since she had taken such a primary role in my life and did not approve of all the things (drinking... being stupid and having some real FUN) that I used to do. I find it ironic, that towards the end of our relationship she started hanging out with her old and new friends going out drinking and having a good time while ignoring me, when it was those very things she told me she did not like about me because she essentially wanted me around her ALL THE ******* time.

 

One of the last things I said to her is that she owed it to me to tell me that she did not want to be with me so I could move on. She couldn't even do that and I pretty much ended by saying that she was a horrible person and not to contact me anymore by phone, email, etc... Again, thanks for all your help and support as I now found a place to help rebuild my life.

[Don Ho]

You're welcome bro. Now you might be in for a bit of an emotional roller coaster. That is NORMAL. Stick with the program and what you told her: NC and no response. You DID the right thing for YOU my friend. Stop 2nd guessing yourself. Move forward, you have a bright future with a great woman just around the corner.