Why is this break-up so much more difficult?

[chalkfarm]

Why is an A breakup so much more difficult than other breakups? I have been in NC for nearly 11 weeks and still I can barely breath. I can't eat, sleep, focus..... cry too much.....

 

I'm a grown up for heaven's sake - not a teenager or a student of some sort. I've been through the ends of relationships but this is so enormous, so overwhelming, so all-encompassing that I fear I will never come through and that I will never be "well".

 

Perhaps I am well and truly broken....

[lilbunny]

Even broken things can be fixed.

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.

 

11 weeks is a long time of NC and you have stuck to it and kept going even when times are tough. Every break up from whatever sort of relationship is different. Yes, you are taking this badly, but eventually it will get better. It is easy for someone else to say I know, but I think that is what you need to hear right now.

 

Try to focus on the reasons you chose to go NC and the long term benefits you imagined, they will come it just takes time.

 

Keep busy and try to stay positive. I have been in a bad way at various times in my life, for a number of reasons and I never found ignoring those feelings helpful, so I set aside a fixed amount of time in the day, or week eventually, when I allowed myself to totally immerse myself in it, cry, listen to sad songs, whatever I needed. Once that time was up I had to force myself to get up, straighten up and do something else even if it was just cleaning the house, even reward yourself with something pleasant. I slowly reduced the amount of time and frequency until I didn't need it anymore. I might not be right for you, but it really helped me get through some really hard times.

 

I hope you feel better soon and stay strong.

[White Dove]

Perhaps I am well and truly broken....

 

You are not broken. It is still new and some people take much longer time to heal. Like lilbunny has said, keep doing what you do to stay NC and occupy yourself with things to do.

 

Stay strong and keep well.

[chalkfarm]

 

 

Try to focus on the reasons you chose to go NC and the long term benefits you imagined, they will come it just takes time.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words.

 

I went NC when after 5 months of separation and what appeared to be a straight line toward D, he said he was considering reconciliation. He needed a "couple of weeks to think about things". I sent him a snail mail letter that simply said "don't call me". Hearing him say he was going home would have killed me. So I suppose the NC was to save myself from those words. To save my self respect... whatever that means.

 

Funny, I can't imagine loving someone as much as I loved him and at the same time I realize that the mind plays wicked little tricks - making the thing we can't have appear perfect.

[piscis]

Hi chalk!!

 

Who tells you 11 weeks is a long time or not?

Everyone works on their own rythm

I know this weeks are like years for you but you are so much ahead of a lot of us (at least of me) so please keep having faith in you, I can not promise it is going to be easy but I promise that day by day you will start being better.

 

Keep posting!!!

[chalkfarm]

Hi chalk!!

 

Who tells you 11 weeks is a long time or not?

Everyone works on their own rythm

I know this weeks are like years for you but you are so much ahead of a lot of us (at least of me) so please keep having faith in you, I can not promise it is going to be easy but I promise that day by day you will start being better.

 

Keep posting!!!

 

You are all so kind... it makes me weep...

[silktricks]

Eleven weeks doesn't seem long.

 

Just keep taking it a day at a time. Keep breathing, keep eating, keep yourself interested in life. Do stuff.

 

One day you'll look up and realize you haven't thought about him for a day, then for a week, and then you'll not really remember what he sounded like, or smelled like, or even looked like. One day you may even forget his name.

 

It's just a little thing called "time" that really does heal.

 

Good luck to you.

[ladydesigner]

It took me nearly 2 years to finally feel "well" as you describe. I really got stuck on my own ego trip of being rejected more than anything. That was the hardest to work through. Now I am at a point where it doesn't matter anymore what he thinks or thought.

 

Try to keep yourself occupied doing lots of fun things and of interest to you. The best medicine for me was every time I got a thought of my XAP I would sit with it for a minute or two and then that was it.

 

What started as all day thinking of him has slowly turned into seldom thoughts usually reminders i.e. places or names, songs and whatnot.

 

I am sorry you are in pain. Your words felt just like mine at 11 weeks. It will get easier. Hang in there!

[Thunderbolt]

Chalkfarm...I know exactly how you're feeling right now.

 

I'm mid way through my 8th week of NC and I still feel so broken and still cry a lot. As tough as this is, in my heart I know it's for the best. I did something similar to you. After 4 years of countless break ups and reconciliations, I gave him one final ultimatum. I'm sure he thought I was crying wolf again. Before the time was up for him to make a final decision, I pulled the plug. Like you, I knew I couldn't face his words of telling me that he wouldn't leave. Instead, I wrote him an email and told him to never contact me again unless he was divorced.

 

I think I just read a response from another thread by you which really hit home with me (I think it was you, forgive me if it wasn't). It stated that sometimes it's hard to face the fact that perhaps MM just didn't love us enough to leave their M. This is such a hard pill to swallow but I've finally been able to face my ego and believe that this could be true. I've never had my heart broken in my life until now. I've never felt this kind of hurt and rejection before. I've always been the one to walk away from a relationship feeling relieved and happy it was over. I never looked behind me or regretted my decision. This is the first time I've ever been on the other side. This is why it's so hard to accept what's happened.

 

Just stay strong knowing that you're not alone. I think we're both a lot further into the NC process than a lot of others. Keep looking forward and continue NC. This is the only way our MM will be able to sort out their lives. If they never come back, then it wasn't meant to be.

 

Despite how much I miss him and still love him, as more and more time goes by, I'm questioning whether or not I'd even want him back if he came back to me. Why should I drop everything in my life because he's suddenly ready to be with me on his clock? This just doesn't seem right. I've given him 4 years of my life. That should have been enough time. We're working on repairing our souls. Why should they have the right to come back into our lives when it's convenient for them? It might not be convenient for us if/when that time ever comes. I know this easier said than done, but this feeling is growing stronger every day. I truly believe that if enough time goes by, I won't want him back.

 

Hang in there, you're doing well. I've read somewhere before that it takes half the amount of time you were together to fully get over them. I hope this is not the case for me.

[siuys]

Chalkfarm, i am so sorry to hear your pain. hang in there. thunderbolt, a lot of what you wrote resonates with me. i, too, have started NC, but it's only been 3 days so it's as raw as. i think also that the fact that i was rejected is a hard pill to swallow. he said he needs to sort out his life, and come back whole and normal and can give the relationship 100%. We never discussed D as i just assumed he will (probably really bad idea). in any case, it's hard coz i'm living under false hope that he will come back for me. i don't know what he is going to do or not do. thank goodness i have only been with him for 6 months and although intense, i think the worst case scenario it might take me 3 months to get over him. i simply must move on not thinking or hoping he will come back.

 

11 weeks sounds really long but i guess it really depends on how long your relationship was. hang in there. keep looking forward. day by day. remind yourself that you deserve better, and spend time with close friends and others who really love and value you. keep posting.

[chalkfarm]

It's so hard for a lot of reasons, but I think the most important to realize right now is that it was like a sudden death. Everything was going along and then he drops that bomb on you. You made a choice out of self preservation (the right choice, I might add). You weren't expecting that sudden turn of events that changed your dreams, hopes and expectations in such a major way. Naturally, dealing with that aftermath is very difficult. To echo what someone else said, time really does help.

 

Eleven weeks NC is huge. You're doing great! Eleven weeks in the grand scheme of things is a drop in the bucket. It DOES get better and NC does get easier as you establish new routines for yourself.

 

 

Recently, I have seen the end of the A/R as a death. The NC is so total - a complete black out - that it is as though he never existed.

 

A neighbor of my mother's lost her husband to cancer a couple of years ago and has said the same about her mate of many many years - it is as though he never was. Sadly, this doesn't stop the hurt.

 

I know that 11 weeks sounds like a lifetime compared to NC counted in days but it really isn't. Everything that goes a little wrong during the day is a huge mountain to overcome. My focus is on myself and the focus is so very critical. What a horrible cycle....

[Thunderbolt]

I understand what you mean when you describe the dissolution of the A/R as a death. This really resonates with me. after 8 weeks of NC, I still wonder how we can go from what we had to complete NC. We traveled the world together, laughed all the time, and shared so many things in common. It truly makes me wonder if what we had was simply an illusion. This is all so hard to comprehend. I thought we were best friends. We shared everything with each other. Apparently all of this wasn't enough to sustain a future together.

 

Has 11 weeks felt like an eternity? 8 weeks has really been a long time for me. In the grand scheme of life, this really isn't very long but it feels like forever. Just keep on keeping on. If you continue to write here, it will help me to move on. We are both on the same path here. Let's stay strong and maintain NC. We've come a long way. It would be a shame to break it now.

[Hazyhead]

(((((chalk)))))

 

It sucks. I know. But, 11 weeks... that's great! Think back to how you felt, say, 9 weeks ago. Compare it to how you feel now. Are you a little better thank you were? These tiny steps take time, but forward is forward no matter how long it takes. You will get better and I agree with the others that say you'll not think of him as much, or you might question him in ways you never did. As you keep on going forward, he'll slip further and further into the past.

[chalkfarm]

 

Has 11 weeks felt like an eternity? 8 weeks has really been a long time for me. In the grand scheme of life, this really isn't very long but it feels like forever. Just keep on keeping on. If you continue to write here, it will help me to move on. We are both on the same path here. Let's stay strong and maintain NC. We've come a long way. It would be a shame to break it now.

 

It's funny that you ask if 11 weeks feels like forever. Yes. It absolutely does. I almost put that in an earlier comment but it seemed too self absorbed to say out loud.

 

I have some thoughts about 11 weeks (Monday is the true 11 week mark) - I will post them tomorrow - mostly for myself but perhaps something will resonate for others.

[chalkfarm]

(((((chalk)))))

 

It sucks. I know. But, 11 weeks... that's great! Think back to how you felt, say, 9 weeks ago. Compare it to how you feel now. Are you a little better thank you were? These tiny steps take time, but forward is forward no matter how long it takes. You will get better and I agree with the others that say you'll not think of him as much, or you might question him in ways you never did. As you keep on going forward, he'll slip further and further into the past.

 

I know that no one really wants to hear this but this last week has been worse than the 9 week mark..... A couple of weeks back I could say "I haven't cried for 2 days. Maybe tomorrow will make three." But lately it has been daily. It is as though all my stuffing is gone.

[terrific]

Ohhh Chalkfarm, I am so sorry, that is EXACTLY how I felt last night....

[Hazyhead]

I know that no one really wants to hear this but this last week has been worse than the 9 week mark..... A couple of weeks back I could say "I haven't cried for 2 days. Maybe tomorrow will make three." But lately it has been daily. It is as though all my stuffing is gone.

 

 

I'm so sorry Chalk. These moments so come though and they're not always that fleeting. Keep your head up though; it will get better.

 

Hugs

[BHMM]

I know that no one really wants to hear this but this last week has been worse than the 9 week mark..... A couple of weeks back I could say "I haven't cried for 2 days. Maybe tomorrow will make three." But lately it has been daily. It is as though all my stuffing is gone.

 

Hi,

 

I just registered here to respond. I'm glad you started this thread, and I'm glad you posted this update as well.

 

I'm a MM who ended my A 11 weeks ago (complete NC since), after 3+ years, an A where I tried numerous times to end my M but just couldn't because even though I wanted to leave my W, I couldn't come to terms with leaving my young kids.

 

I'm responding to empathize with you, from the other side. I too thought I was doing okay a few weeks ago, and for some reason, have been progressively getting worse since then. I am so desperate to contact OW. I am depressed, heartbroken, and just sad. I felt like it had to end, and I had to let her go, but I still doubt and regret my decision every day. Like you, I too feel broken. I'm trying my best to not let this affect my life, focus on my family, work, etc, and to move on, like I'm sure she's doing. But I still obsess about her, dream about her, wish like crazy I could see her and be with her. I still pathetically check my email and phone multiple times a day, hoping to hear from her. I wonder if she's missing me as much, if she still loves me, if she wishes I'd reach out to her.

 

Anyway, I really hope things get better for you. I hope they get easier for both of us. And I hope this post helped you understand what your MM might be feeling.

[terrific]

BHMM...I understand completely. And yes, not that it matters, but she probably does, and thank-you, because not that it matters, I wonder the same thing.

[crazycatlady]

Hi,

 

I just registered here to respond. I'm glad you started this thread, and I'm glad you posted this update as well.

 

I'm a MM who ended my A 11 weeks ago (complete NC since), after 3+ years, an A where I tried numerous times to end my M but just couldn't because even though I wanted to leave my W, I couldn't come to terms with leaving my young kids.

 

I'm responding to empathize with you, from the other side. I too thought I was doing okay a few weeks ago, and for some reason, have been progressively getting worse since then. I am so desperate to contact OW. I am depressed, heartbroken, and just sad. I felt like it had to end, and I had to let her go, but I still doubt and regret my decision every day. Like you, I too feel broken. I'm trying my best to not let this affect my life, focus on my family, work, etc, and to move on, like I'm sure she's doing. But I still obsess about her, dream about her, wish like crazy I could see her and be with her. I still pathetically check my email and phone multiple times a day, hoping to hear from her. I wonder if she's missing me as much, if she still loves me, if she wishes I'd reach out to her.

 

Anyway, I really hope things get better for you. I hope they get easier for both of us. And I hope this post helped you understand what your MM might be feeling.

 

As a BS this is my worst nightmare. That my H is staying for the kids. I think it is one of the very few things he could do that would piss me off and actually make me angry at him. I can handle the hurt of him loving both of us, I can handle the hurt of him betraying me, of her betraying me, of the lying and the other things.....But to top it off and stay even though he doesn't love me? That would be the ultimate insult. I don't want him unless he wants me.

 

Now, I know that isn't our case. However before he confessed and we talked about it and started working on things it did cross my mind what if he stays when he truly doesn't want to. Its part of why I wanted him to tell me and not me confront him.

 

WHY stay? Why do this to you, her, and her? The kids can survive if you can make it amiable. Living a lie, pretending to love someone whom you don't....I think its the biggest betrayal of all. Far bigger then just being selfish or a cake eater or simply having the bad mistake of loving two different women.

 

Terribly sorry for the tj but i couldn't resist

[September]

Hi,

 

I just registered here to respond. I'm glad you started this thread, and I'm glad you posted this update as well.

 

I'm a MM who ended my A 11 weeks ago (complete NC since), after 3+ years, an A where I tried numerous times to end my M but just couldn't because even though I wanted to leave my W, I couldn't come to terms with leaving my young kids.

 

I'm responding to empathize with you, from the other side. I too thought I was doing okay a few weeks ago, and for some reason, have been progressively getting worse since then. I am so desperate to contact OW. I am depressed, heartbroken, and just sad. I felt like it had to end, and I had to let her go, but I still doubt and regret my decision every day. Like you, I too feel broken. I'm trying my best to not let this affect my life, focus on my family, work, etc, and to move on, like I'm sure she's doing. But I still obsess about her, dream about her, wish like crazy I could see her and be with her. I still pathetically check my email and phone multiple times a day, hoping to hear from her. I wonder if she's missing me as much, if she still loves me, if she wishes I'd reach out to her.

 

Anyway, I really hope things get better for you. I hope they get easier for both of us. And I hope this post helped you understand what your MM might be feeling.

 

Finally a MM's perspective that has some answers us xOW have been looking for!

 

Sometimes, I just really want to know if it's as easy for him going trying to reconcile. In my heart, I know he still loves me but in reality, he is trying to do the right thing. Call me delusional but I know he couldn't have just walked away unaffected.

 

It would be great if you started a new thread telling us your story/situation more... PLEASE!

[BHMM]

BHMM...I understand completely. And yes, not that it matters, but she probably does, and thank-you, because not that it matters, I wonder the same thing.

Thanks for the reply terrific, that was nice to read. We're all human and have all been deeply affected by someone, so I guess it's not surprising that we have similar wonderings.

 

As a BS this is my worst nightmare. That my H is staying for the kids. I think it is one of the very few things he could do that would piss me off and actually make me angry at him. I can handle the hurt of him loving both of us, I can handle the hurt of him betraying me, of her betraying me, of the lying and the other things.....But to top it off and stay even though he doesn't love me? That would be the ultimate insult. I don't want him unless he wants me.

 

Now, I know that isn't our case. However before he confessed and we talked about it and started working on things it did cross my mind what if he stays when he truly doesn't want to. Its part of why I wanted him to tell me and not me confront him.

 

WHY stay? Why do this to you, her, and her? The kids can survive if you can make it amiable. Living a lie, pretending to love someone whom you don't....I think its the biggest betrayal of all. Far bigger then just being selfish or a cake eater or simply having the bad mistake of loving two different women.

 

Terribly sorry for the tj but i couldn't resist

I completely understand your points here, so I'm not going to try to debate them with you. I'll just say that I don't know if I would've been stable or strong enough to "make it amiable"; one of my biggest fears was not only putting my kids through the emotional turmoil of a separation and D, but how I would (or wouldn't) have been able to handle that guilt. I feared how my leaving would affect them, and how turning their lives upside-down would affect me -- I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I ended it because I love my kids more than anything, and I couldn't leave and break their hearts. I know that's cold comfort to you as a BS, but it was the best I could do in this situation. I don't think I'll ever regret doing what I thought was best for my kids.

 

Finally a MM's perspective that has some answers us xOW have been looking for!

 

Sometimes, I just really want to know if it's as easy for him going trying to reconcile. In my heart, I know he still loves me but in reality, he is trying to do the right thing. Call me delusional but I know he couldn't have just walked away unaffected.

 

It would be great if you started a new thread telling us your story/situation more... PLEASE!

Hi September,

 

I was actually thinking about starting a thread giving my perspective, so thanks for the encouragement.

 

I obviously can't speak for all MMs, but I was (am) deeply in love with OW, and letting her go has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Unaffected is about the last word I'd use to describe how I feel walking away from her. It had to end, for everyone's sake, but it's been hell for me, and somehow it's getting worse after 11 weeks. And honestly the hardest part is knowing she's hurting, that I caused that pain, and that I can't reach out and comfort her.

 

(Apologies to chalkfarm for the digression; I'll try to post my story in a new thread tomorrow.)

Edited August 30, 2010 by BHMM

[crazycatlady]

Thanks for the reply terrific, that was nice to read. We're all human and have all been deeply affected by someone, so I guess it's not surprising that we have similar wonderings.

 

 

I completely understand your points here, so I'm not going to try to debate them with you. I'll just say that I don't know if I would've been stable or strong enough to "make it amiable"; one of my biggest fears was not only putting my kids through the emotional turmoil of a separation and D, but how I would (or wouldn't) have been able to handle that guilt. I feared how my leaving would affect them, and how turning their lives upside-down would affect me -- I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I ended it because I love my kids more than anything, and I couldn't leave and break their hearts. I know that's cold comfort to you as a BS, but it was the best I could do in this situation. I don't think I'll ever regret doing what I thought was best for my kids.

 

 

Hi September,

 

I was actually thinking about starting a thread giving my perspective, so thanks for the encouragement.

 

I obviously can't speak for all MMs, but I was (am) deeply in love with OW, and letting her go has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Unaffected is about the last word I'd use to describe how I feel walking away from her. It had to end, for everyone's sake, but it's been hell for me, and somehow it's getting worse after 11 weeks. And honestly the hardest part is knowing she's hurting, that I caused that pain, and that I can't reach out and comfort her.

 

(Apologies to chalkfarm for the digression; I'll try to post my story in a new thread tomorrow.)

 

I understand not wanting to debate, lord knows I'm sick of defending some things about us. I just am so....baffled by it because it is the absolute worst case senerio to me....

 

I'll stop here, not wanting to tj anymore. I will wait for your story and pounce there .

 

So back on your topic....I think due to the nature of trying to deny the relationship because we instinctively deny things we can't have it is harder to heal from an affair. Most affair partners do not give themselves time or even permission to heal from it. They don't grieve it, its basically a type of death. If the partner is single, its easier to do that then if the partner is married and hiding it. But I truly feel to be able to slowly move on from it, you have to treat it as a death and properly grieve the loss of love.

 

CCL

[siuys]

I have to agree it is finally good to get the perspective from an MM. My MM ended it (in his words a 6-month detox break) only a few days ago. I've been doing ok, very up and down and at times I thought my heart was going to break right there and then. I wanted to call him so many times, and wondered if he misses me, if he thought about me, and if he, too, wanted to see me... if he really meant when he said he needs time to sort out his life, or if it is just an excuse, and he actually is breaking up with me for good.... so many questions, and no answers.

 

I am single, no kids and have been involved with MM for 6 months. Hell of a roller coaster ride and so bad for my health. But truth is i do love him, and see such potential. I think he struggles with the whole kids scenario too but the kids are older (18 and 16) so it's a little easier i suppose. and he has physically moved out. It's only been a few days so it's still very hard.

 

BHMM, did you even think about moving out? I know you love your kids but how on earth do you live for other people? i know i am not a mother so will never understand. but like crazycatlady said, why stay when you don't love your wife? it IS an insult. no one needs pity. are you so afraid that you think you can't handle it?

 

My MM is on his own right now sorting out all his feelings and mess. I am alone and sorting out everything. Tho' i miss him like hell i think this process is important. i think having time out and being alone may help you determine what makes you happy. i am not trying to say yes separation and divorce is good, all i am saying is if you are unhappy in your marriage, you will one day leave. maybe when the kids are older. are you doing yourself any favours? and your wife? she could be out of the marriage and seeking someone who actually loves her.

[BHMM]

I understand not wanting to debate, lord knows I'm sick of defending some things about us. I just am so....baffled by it because it is the absolute worst case senerio to me....

 

I'll stop here, not wanting to tj anymore. I will wait for your story and pounce there .

Posted, have at it.

 

BHMM, did you even think about moving out? I know you love your kids but how on earth do you live for other people? i know i am not a mother so will never understand. but like crazycatlady said, why stay when you don't love your wife? it IS an insult. no one needs pity. are you so afraid that you think you can't handle it?

Yes, I tried leaving several times, and each time couldn't bring myself to do it.

 

I don't want to say "It's different when you're a parent," but... it is. I have no problem sacrificing for my kids. Ending the A was brutally hard (still is), but in the end I know I'll be able to live with my decision to do what was in the best interest of my kids. Yes, honestly I was afraid I wouldn't be able to handle the guilt I'd feel from the pain a D would cause them.

 

Good luck w/your situation, I hope it all works out for you.