lizzydarcy Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 Hi all, I have been with a wonderful man for 4.5 years now, and we've been through our share of rough times, but always fought our way through together. Before we'd started dating, he told me how he didn't have long relationships previously, because if he knew they weren't the right person, why bother. He also said he planned on a family. We moved in together after a few months, and no complaints. After 2 years, we bought our first home - and before doing so, I said (through tears) "You want to get married right", and he said yes. This past summer, at the 4 year mark, someone asked about kids, and he said yes, we hoped to have a couple. So, all along, I've tried not to sweat it, and just wait it out. We have friends who have been together 12 years with no engagement, and I said I wouldn't wait that long - he said he knows. When I asked this past week about plans for this year maybe, he said he hadn't really thought about it, and got a little teary eyed (I think I panicked him). I said that if he wasn't ready right now, I understood, but if that wasn't in his plans, he had to tell me. He said he didn't say "never", just he hadn't been thinking about it in the immediate future. If it matters, I'm 32 this year, he's 31. I have no complaints, other than a fear of losing him.... so why does this whole thing bother me? Am I missing something? Is there something wrong, or is he just cautious?
moimeme Posted February 18, 2004 Posted February 18, 2004 After four and a half years together, he still can't figure out what he wants? I'd bail. My rule on living together is that I do it AFTER being asked to marry the person and not a minute before. I consider it an important phase of the engagement, but I'd never do it pre-engagement for this very reason. Why would he not be 'ready' to seal the deal at this point other than he fears there's a better opportunity out there that he'll miss if he commits now. Flee, girl.
carla Posted February 19, 2004 Posted February 19, 2004 I would bring up the conversation about him wanting a couple of kids. At 32 your clock is ticking. (You get pregnant at 34 have baby #1 at 35, get pregnant again at 37 have baby #2 at 38) Then when he admits that he wants kids talk about a time plan, don't forget the marriage part comes first.
whoknows Posted February 20, 2004 Posted February 20, 2004 Maybe he is a commitment phobe. Is he at all claustraphobic? Sometimes marriage (yes the contract) makes certain people feel VERY nervous, suffocated and panicked. But sad that they feel this way. I am one of those people and am now in counseling to deal with it. It takes readjusting your thoughts about what marriage means to you so that you can accept it. Does that make sense? Just another thought...I may be WAY off base. But you did say he had tears, didn't you?
dlb311 Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 I think you should talk to him. You obviously want to get married. You have been together for 4.5 years that is a long investment. I believe men know within a year or two if they want to marry a woman. Then they leave her or keep her around till they find something better. I think you should figure out what you want first. Then talk to him. Tell him either I am okay with waiting because you are the one and no one else could replace you. Or you say I feel I want something you don't so I have to be on my way. No altemadums or anything just decide what you want. If the thought of being without him is not concivable them maybe its worth waiting out. Then in time when you want a child say I want a baby and take it from there. I am real young 22 and my boyfriend is 24. We have been together for 2.5 years. we broke up for a couple months because we were going to move in together. Which wasn't right. Because neither one of us was ready. We just got caught up in the moment. We are back together and we are still in love but things have changed. He isn't always there. I hear from him maybe once a day. or may depending on the situation at hand. I has not doubt in my mind he is the one for me. But I believe his friends are single and telling him dude don't do it. I know we are young. I am not in a hurry I guess I just want to know if it will ever happen? But it doesn't matter time will tell I am still so young. good luck.. remember marriage is a big step and no matter who you marry or live with you are still an individual with your own needs and wants. So remember thoughs when you make your chioces.
befuddled11 Posted March 5, 2004 Posted March 5, 2004 His reaction to your question about what his plans are, and is marriage one of them....the "teary-eyed" bit.....what's up with that? That doesn't sound like a very normal kind of reaction for a man to have to this kind of question. Is he a super sensitive/emotional kind of guy or something? If not, given the fact that after a whopping 4.5 yrs together he states he hasn't "thought about marriage", I'd seriously be wondering if maybe those tears were a result of him feeling unhappy inside...and maybe unsure of your relationship and your future together? If I were you, I'd just come right out and have a nice calm non-confrontational discussion with him...about where he sees your relationship at present, and where he sees it going. You owe it to yourself to do this. I am one of those people who thinks it's absolutely insane for a woman to "put up with" living with a guy for years, waiting year after year to get married......that's insane. Funny thing..he knew he loved you enough to want to make a substantial financial investment with you (buying a home) after a couple of years..but after 4.5, although you're "living LIKE" husband and wife, he says he hasn't thought about it? Either he's just stringing you along or else he's quite daft. Or else maybe he wants out but doesn't know how to bring it up. You both need to talk. And yes, you're afraid of losing him....but don't stick with someone who's not on the same path as you are (wanting marriage, a family), only to sacrifice what's important to you. The older a gal gets into her 30s, the more difficult it can be to get/maintain a pregnancy....you're still young, but time does pass sometimes very quickly. Don't settle for less.
shopgrl Posted March 8, 2004 Posted March 8, 2004 Lizzydarcy, I feel for you girl. I'm basically going through the same thing, but I actually got out of my 3 year relationship last month for the same reasons. I just posted a thread about my story before I read yours (whoops). Befunddled and moimeme are right, get out now if he doesn't plan on committing. Your still young, you deserve someone who shares the same future plans as you. I felt the same way as you, I was so scared of losing my ex and I'm still scared. I'm scared of starting over but I also have a sense of relief within me since the break up. I feel lost and confused but I know I'll be ok in the end. If your boyfriend doesn't know after 4.5 years, he's never going to know. If marriage and kids are things you really want, don't waste anymore time with this guy. Granted, it'll be tough but it sounds like the right move to me. What is up with these guys not wanting to committ? I will never understand it.
Love13 Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 I totally relate! I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for over 4 years. After we graduated from college, I got a job 1 1/2 away from him. I was always visiting him and he RARELY visited me. I only heard from him a few times a week,and was lucky if I saw him twice a month. Whenever I'd call he'd be with friends and it seemed to not even phase him that I wanted to see him more. He had proposed to me in November, but had no ring. I was suspicious and didn't take it seriously. On Valentine's Day he said he couldn't be with me because he had to go on a trip with his family. I was livid. He came to see me anyway, and left by 4:00 P.M. He didn't call me for 4 days, so I called him and told him I was not satisfied with the realationship. He was sad and said he didn't want to loose me and that we should maybe take a break like I suggested. He said he didn't know if he could see himself with me and didn't know if I was the one. He also added that he doesnt love me as much as I love him and that maybe he doesn't appreciate me enough to committ to me (this all started when I found out he was planning a trip with his buds after he claimed he couldn't take off to see me). It's been months and I haven't heard from him, not even on our birthday, but what can I expect from a man who never introduced me to his mother....I'm only 23 and I've lost 4 1/2 years of dating. How will I ever know if the next man genuinely loves me? I guess that's life...but I read in Cosmo that over 70% of Americans would rather not get married than get married and get divorced...
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