Very Scared

[nicolep1016]

I am new to this site and need advice on my current situation. I have been married for 2 years and have been to my husband for 3 1/2 years. When we first met, everything was great. He made me laugh and was great to my kids from my previous marriage. We moved in together way too soon (only after 6 months) which was totally irresponsible on my part. Shorty after we moved in together, I realized I made a big mistake. He has massive mood swings, criticizes me and my children, is emotionally neglectful (he ignores me for hours), is constantly moving and hiding stuff, lies all the time, even about stupid things and has lost his job about a year ago. About 1 1/2 ago, he was diagnosed with ADHD and he also tells me he is depressed. I have researched countless hours for things to help and he doesn't follow through on any thing. We have talked about our problems a million and one times and nothing is changing. I hate to be negative but I know counseling isn't going to help because he won't follow through. He was prescribed medicine and doesn't take it when he is supposed to. I am not going to be his mother. He hardly ever looks for a job unless I nag at him repeatedly. So I told him that I am giving him a year to get his act together or I'm filing for divorce. The problem is that I am a SAHM and have no education or skills. I've never worked but I want to change that but I am not going to be able to get an education in a year. If I just get any job, I am not going to be able to support myself and my children after the year is up. Does anyone have any suggestions/advice?

[TaraMaiden]

I am new to this site and need advice on my current situation. I have been married for 2 years and have been to my husband for 3 1/2 years. When we first met, everything was great. He made me laugh and was great to my kids from my previous marriage. We moved in together way too soon (only after 6 months) which was totally irresponsible on my part. Shorty after we moved in together, I realized I made a big mistake. He has massive mood swings, criticizes me and my children, is emotionally neglectful (he ignores me for hours), is constantly moving and hiding stuff, lies all the time, even about stupid things and has lost his job about a year ago. About 1 1/2 ago, he was diagnosed with ADHD and he also tells me he is depressed. I have researched countless hours for things to help and he doesn't follow through on any thing. We have talked about our problems a million and one times and nothing is changing. I hate to be negative but I know counseling isn't going to help because he won't follow through. He was prescribed medicine and doesn't take it when he is supposed to. I am not going to be his mother. He hardly ever looks for a job unless I nag at him repeatedly. So I told him that I am giving him a year to get his act together or I'm filing for divorce. The problem is that I am a SAHM and have no education or skills. I've never worked but I want to change that but I am not going to be able to get an education in a year. If I just get any job, I am not going to be able to support myself and my children after the year is up. Does anyone have any suggestions/advice?

 

I don't know where you live, but look up local or web support groups for people married to those with psychological disorders Also, see if there is a local women's group you could turn to for advice.

 

You can't heal him, and you cannot change him. If he has a diagnosed disorder and is not helping himself, he is his own greatest enemy, but he sure as hell ain't doing you any favours either.

 

Do you have any children WITH him? (you say the children are from your previous marriage...is their father supporting you for them financially?)

 

if you have no kids with him, this is a complete bonus and at least separation can be total.

I personally see nothing you can do right now, other than to go for this option. Everything else you have tried, doesn't work./ If your kids are all of school age, there may be some course you can take during their school time which might help you gain qualifications., Many courses are run as correspondence courses now....

 

Touch base again to see what you think.....

[nicolep1016]

Thanks for the advice. I live in NJ so I will check it out. I don't have any children with him (thank god) and my ex does pay some child support. I was going to get my CNA (certified nurse's assistant) but that only pays $10. an hr which isn't going to cut it. I have looked a million hours looking for a short term course that would land me a decent job but haven't had success. I am getting frustrated and scared that I am going to be stuck here forever in this hell

[TaraMaiden]

No, you won't. Look first of all for a women's association or shelter. If necessary, see your doctor, because surely you are registered under a local doctor as your local medic, and he/she (or the clinic they work in) may have advice on a crisis line.

ring relatives back where you used to live, beg a lift, help, anything. Get yourself and your kids out of there, and look after yourself first. Then think in baby steps. One thing at a time, hun, one thing at a time.....

[xpaperxcutx]

Thanks for the advice. I live in NJ so I will check it out. I don't have any children with him (thank god) and my ex does pay some child support. I was going to get my CNA (certified nurse's assistant) but that only pays $10. an hr which isn't going to cut it. I have looked a million hours looking for a short term course that would land me a decent job but haven't had success. I am getting frustrated and scared that I am going to be stuck here forever in this hell

 

Well first you got to make sure you have job to fall back on if you do go for divorce.

[nicolep1016]

Yes, I should definitely get a job first. TaraMaiden, I will try to get in contact with a local women's shelter to make sure I have back up if things get any worse. My kids really don't want to leave their house and get upset every time I mention it and they have already been through a lot so I am just trying to be patient. It's just so hard to live with someone when you hate them. In the meantime, I will work on finding a career path that doesn't take a lot of schooling. I know you are right about taking baby steps.

[You Go Girl]

Nicole, how did you survive with your finances before you married him? I see a missing piece of the puzzle of this story. What happened financially between leaving the kids father and marrying this guy?

As for now, just get ANY job. McDonalds. Whatever. Anything.

You may want to search and put out ads on craigslist, in the paper, online classifieds, in which you ask for another single mother to share an apartment with or who has a home and she would like renters to help pay her mortgage. Two women splitting the bills can really help.

[nicolep1016]

I lived with my mom after I divorced my first husband. I was going to school for Criminal Justice and when I met my husband and moved into our house, I stopped going (which was supposed to be temporary) because I spent every waking moment renovating our house, which I did alone. He was always telling me that he wanted me to stay home and take care of the house/kids and I just settled for things the way that they were. It made sense at the time since he has a Master’s degree in accounting and had a good job. Now I have no education, job and horrible credit to top it all off. I feel like such a loser but it is what it is. My mom and dad refuse to talk to me because of the situation (great parents) so going back there isn’t an option. I want to get a job but I don’t have anything to put on my resume. I just started applying to get volunteer experience at least. Looking for a roommate could be good or bad. Knowing my luck, I would get some whacko

[D-Lish]

I lived with my mom after I divorced my first husband. I was going to school for Criminal Justice and when I met my husband and moved into our house, I stopped going (which was supposed to be temporary) because I spent every waking moment renovating our house, which I did alone. He was always telling me that he wanted me to stay home and take care of the house/kids and I just settled for things the way that they were. It made sense at the time since he has a Master’s degree in accounting and had a good job. Now I have no education, job and horrible credit to top it all off. I feel like such a loser but it is what it is. My mom and dad refuse to talk to me because of the situation (great parents) so going back there isn’t an option. I want to get a job but I don’t have anything to put on my resume. I just started applying to get volunteer experience at least. Looking for a roommate could be good or bad. Knowing my luck, I would get some whacko

 

So. don't choose the wack-job, choose a way out.

[nicolep1016]

I will start looking for a job this week and start working toward improving myself.