Gossiping Mother-in-Law

[BlackLovely]

I've been contributing my opinion a lot lately. Now it's time to pick the brains of my good LS posters.

 

We live in a different province (and time zone) from my in laws. My fiance and I contact his parents up to twice a month. We would love to go and see them, especially since we have a new niece and my father in law has had a heart attack recently. Sadly, we do not have the money or the time off work in order for me to see where my fiance grew up. I feel so guilty when my MIL asks us to come down and we have to say no. I try to fill in the gap with letters, small gifts and sharing as much as I feel comfortable with.

 

Like me, my mother in law loves to talk. The only difference is, I engage people in conversation, whereas she just talks at others-can't get a word in edgewise. I've learned to simply ask questions when she pauses.

 

The real issue I'm having is the harmful and judgmental gossip about her other daughter in law-my fiance's brother's wife. The poor younger woman can't do anything right! My mother in law constantly complains and criticizes her to me. She also makes no bones about giving unsolicited child rearing advice~this would piss me off if I was in my BIL's wife's shoes. My MIL also seems to enjoy being contrary-she agreed to babysit and then demanded that my BIL bring the baby to her-even though she lives close by!

 

All of this makes me feel rather uneasy about my MIL. She's nothing but sweet to me, yet if she's talking this way about her other DIL, what could she be telling others about me? Could she feel more comfortable with me or am I a neutral sounding board? I told my fiance to tell her to stop, but I chickened out at the last minute. I believe that blood talks to blood, hence the reason I asked my man to deal with her.

 

I don't know why I'm so intimidated by my MIL, yet I can easily stand up to my own mother and anyone else who crosses me. I think my voice even gets higher when I talk to my MIL. You have no idea how this confuses me; I am a powerhouse of take-no-crap, yet my MIL can turn me into a mouse. WTF??

 

As usual, polite and honest advice would be appreciate. Please do not jack my thread with immature arguments amongst yourselves. I'm only adding that, because I have noticed too much counterproductive behavior lately.

[TaraMaiden]

Forgive my asking: You are a strong, determined no-nonsense woman.... has it occurred to you that, rather than be concerned about what eventually your MiL may say about you - it might be more constructive to offer some kind of gentle, non-confrontational defence of the poor young lady in question?

 

This is not intended as a criticism, or as an accusation of selfishness. I'm merely saying that you might be better anchored if you illustrate now, what you stand for - and what you will NOT stand for.

The young lady sounds as if she could do with a buddy on her side.

It will also demonstrate to your MiL several things: That you don't hold with talking about flesh and blood behind their backs, and that you are not one to stand idly by and watch someone else being torn to pieces without any form of defence.

The fact is (God, I hate clichés) we teach people how to treat us. If you cannot spine up in front of this woman, then you're already in a "losing" position. I'm not suggesting you make up excuses and invent a defence, but explain to your MiL that people's ideas nowadays are different, and the younger generation handles stuff in other ways, and call it progress. Sympathise with her view but put forward an alternative perception.

 

Does that make any sense? Could that help everyone - including you?

[BlackLovely]

Forgive my asking: You are a strong, determined no-nonsense woman.... has it occurred to you that, rather than be concerned about what eventually your MiL may say about you - it might be more constructive to offer some kind of gentle, non-confrontational defence of the poor young lady in question?

 

This is not intended as a criticism, or as an accusation of selfishness. I'm merely saying that you might be better anchored if you illustrate now, what you stand for - and what you will NOT stand for.

The young lady sounds as if she could do with a buddy on her side.

It will also demonstrate to your MiL several things: That you don't hold with talking about flesh and blood behind their backs, and that you are not one to stand idly by and watch someone else being torn to pieces without any form of defence.

The fact is (God, I hate clichés) we teach people how to treat us. If you cannot spine up in front of this woman, then you're already in a "losing" position. I'm not suggesting you make up excuses and invent a defence, but explain to your MiL that people's ideas nowadays are different, and the younger generation handles stuff in other ways, and call it progress. Sympathise with her view but put forward an alternative perception.

 

Does that make any sense? Could that help everyone - including you?

I didn't take that as a criticism at all. It was delivered in a caring and honest manner. Sometimes we need criticism to grow. It's not like you said "What a stupid person you are-you are so weak!"

 

I also don't think it's fair because I don't even know my BIL's wife, yet I know all about her.

 

I have squeaked out a "Things are different now...", but not in the confident manner that I normally speak. Mostly, I just listen and try to empathize with "That must be hard for you." What I would really like to say is: "You need to mind your own goddamn business. Also, just because you can't let go of your son, it doesn't mean that his wife isn't good enough. YOU'RE the one with the problem!" LOL Think that might cause friction?? Just being silly.

TM, would you have any insight as to why the hell I am so timid around this woman? It doesn't make any sense to me, so maybe someone else might see why...

[TaraMaiden]

I have a theory, but you might just laugh.....

[stillafool]

Take my advice and keep your MIL at "arms length". If she is talking badly about your SIL she will do the same about you. Be happy that you live away from her or your life would be just as miserable as your SILs. I've had 3 MILs and this is the best way to handle them.

[Stung]

If my MIL had a second son, I might suspect you were about to become MY SIL .

 

My MIL is a nice woman in her way, but shes...complicated. She had several children but my husband is her firstborn, the only boy, and her favorite, BIGTIME. Everybody knows he's the favorite, I find it a little appalling on behalf of his sisters. Anyway, his mom's a talker, and she's always telling me how put upon she is by all her daughters, and what mistakes they're making, and blah blah blah. Granted, she IS put upon by them, but that's another story. I accept the fact that if she criticizes her own daughters to me constantly, she is surely criticizing ME to THEM. I know she resents it that my husband moved further away with me (although we still only live 20 miles away). I know she resents that we spend more time with my family than with her (although that's in large part because my parents offer to help us with babysitting etc. while we are in the middle of some huge real estate projects, and my MIL never offers and has complained to me multiple times about how often she babysits for her daughters, so I am uncomfortable asking). Frankly, her daughters are there ALL THE TIME, and two of them still live on her property, so there's no way we wouldn't suffer by the comparison.

 

So, I'm pretty much the dark, dirty stealer of sons (It might not be so funny when my own son gets married, but I digress).

 

Anyway, I just try to listen to her calmly, provide her with positive explanations of her daughters' behavior when I can, offer her advice that's as neutral as possible, remind my husband to call her at least every couple of weeks, I regularly email her pictures of her grandkids and I call or email her to ask if we can bring the kids around to see her/if we can take her out to dinner about every other month. And I just accept the fact that she kind of resents me and probably complains about me behind my back. And I just try to respect her as my husband's mother and the grandmother of my kids and move forward with my marriage and just never even think of her unless I have to. I do my duty by her and accept her as she is and keep her on the back burner the rest of the time.

[Feelin Frisky]

Some people are just TOXIC, Black lovely. You may have to consider your MIL to be a TOXIC person. I consider my own mother to be toxic as she gets defensive for no reason and often pops off with contentious comments that make no sense. It's like a "flypaper" which then maneuvers me into appearing an aggressor if I start taking up her wacky system of values and trade-offs. She gabs too much too and her whole family has developed this opinion that I'm the bad guy in everything. I love her but I only take communication so far otherwise I'll hear some private information echoed back by cousins at the Christmas party. I get like WTF? How do you know that? It's mama's gab.

 

Thinking of some folk a has having a toxicity to your happiness and serenity is a way to insulate yourself and maintain a healthy detachment. Perhaps it might work for you. It seems to reinforce my real freedom from consumption by other people's (extended family especially) systems of blame and shame. They can all kiss Frisky's @ss. (Maybe Black Lovely's @ss too.)

[curiousnycgirl]

I don't understand why you feel this needs to be immediately confronted in a strong way. How about just telling your MIL that you feel very uncomfortable when she is disparaging of your future SIL with you and would prefer that she not do it.

 

It's really as simple as that. It probably won't stop her forever, but it will certainly give her pause.

 

Give that a go - and then we can think of the next level. LOL

[shawnc]

I hate gossip. I think a lot of people who love gossiping have self esteem issues and love to bag others because they can't hack it themselves to be honest.

 

Your MIL is old enough to know better so there is probably no changing her now. If I were you I'd just skirt around the issue and not contribute to it - as for all you know she might be going back to your SIL and telling her what you said.

 

You can keep your distance from the MIL and still have a healthy relationship which won't put your relationship with your man in jeopardy in my opinion.

 

Shawn

[BlackLovely]

I have a theory, but you might just laugh.....

I love laughing. Spill it!

[BlackLovely]

I don't understand why you feel this needs to be immediately confronted in a strong way. How about just telling your MIL that you feel very uncomfortable when she is disparaging of your future SIL with you and would prefer that she not do it.

 

It's really as simple as that. It probably won't stop her forever, but it will certainly give her pause.

 

Give that a go - and then we can think of the next level. LOL

This is great advice. However, it would not be received well.

[BlackLovely]

Some people are just TOXIC, Black lovely. You may have to consider your MIL to be a TOXIC person. I consider my own mother to be toxic as she gets defensive for no reason and often pops off with contentious comments that make no sense. It's like a "flypaper" which then maneuvers me into appearing an aggressor if I start taking up her wacky system of values and trade-offs. She gabs too much too and her whole family has developed this opinion that I'm the bad guy in everything. I love her but I only take communication so far otherwise I'll hear some private information echoed back by cousins at the Christmas party. I get like WTF? How do you know that? It's mama's gab.

 

Thinking of some folk a has having a toxicity to your happiness and serenity is a way to insulate yourself and maintain a healthy detachment. Perhaps it might work for you. It seems to reinforce my real freedom from consumption by other people's (extended family especially) systems of blame and shame. They can all kiss Frisky's @ss. (Maybe Black Lovely's @ss too.)

I'm very impressed with the insight in your response. My mother is the same way. The difference between my MIL and my mother is my MIL is more benign~a watered down version of my mother's full strength poison.

 

I only want Mr.BlackLovely's lips anywhere near my bum. LOL

 

If I was a troublemaker, I would call my SIL and tell her to watch her back. This action will remain a thought; I refuse to participate in my MIL's manipulative games.

[BlackLovely]

If my MIL had a second son, I might suspect you were about to become MY SIL .

 

My MIL is a nice woman in her way, but shes...complicated. She had several children but my husband is her firstborn, the only boy, and her favorite, BIGTIME. Everybody knows he's the favorite, I find it a little appalling on behalf of his sisters. Anyway, his mom's a talker, and she's always telling me how put upon she is by all her daughters, and what mistakes they're making, and blah blah blah. Granted, she IS put upon by them, but that's another story. I accept the fact that if she criticizes her own daughters to me constantly, she is surely criticizing ME to THEM. I know she resents it that my husband moved further away with me (although we still only live 20 miles away). I know she resents that we spend more time with my family than with her (although that's in large part because my parents offer to help us with babysitting etc. while we are in the middle of some huge real estate projects, and my MIL never offers and has complained to me multiple times about how often she babysits for her daughters, so I am uncomfortable asking). Frankly, her daughters are there ALL THE TIME, and two of them still live on her property, so there's no way we wouldn't suffer by the comparison.

 

So, I'm pretty much the dark, dirty stealer of sons (It might not be so funny when my own son gets married, but I digress).

 

Anyway, I just try to listen to her calmly, provide her with positive explanations of her daughters' behavior when I can, offer her advice that's as neutral as possible, remind my husband to call her at least every couple of weeks, I regularly email her pictures of her grandkids and I call or email her to ask if we can bring the kids around to see her/if we can take her out to dinner about every other month. And I just accept the fact that she kind of resents me and probably complains about me behind my back. And I just try to respect her as my husband's mother and the grandmother of my kids and move forward with my marriage and just never even think of her unless I have to. I do my duty by her and accept her as she is and keep her on the back burner the rest of the time.

You are very magnanimous to accept your MIL.

 

My SIL is the evil son stealer because my BIL is my MIL's favorite. He had a live in girlfriend before he met his wife. My MIL loved the past woman and so she even told my hubby that she didn't think my SIL was right for her son. There are constant complains from my MIL, such as my BIL is "losing too much weight and shouldn't have to wake up with the baby because he has to go to work! I never woke my husband!"

 

My hubby is his father's favorite, just like I am a Daddy's girl. I guess my MIL doesn't view me as a threat, because there are no overattachment issues. Quite the opposite I'm afraid.

[BlackLovely]

Take my advice and keep your MIL at "arms length". If she is talking badly about your SIL she will do the same about you. Be happy that you live away from her or your life would be just as miserable as your SILs. I've had 3 MILs and this is the best way to handle them.

Agreed. I am glad we aren't so close geographically.

[Stung]

You are very magnanimous to accept your MIL.

 

My SIL is the evil son stealer because my BIL is my MIL's favorite. He had a live in girlfriend before he met his wife. My MIL loved the past woman and so she even told my hubby that she didn't think my SIL was right for her son. There are constant complains from my MIL, such as my BIL is "losing too much weight and shouldn't have to wake up with the baby because he has to go to work! I never woke my husband!"

 

My hubby is his father's favorite, just like I am a Daddy's girl. I guess my MIL doesn't view me as a threat, because there are no overattachment issues. Quite the opposite I'm afraid.

 

 

Wellllll, by 'accept' I think I mostly mean I just don't let her pull me into her passive-aggressive emotional whirlpool and I try to let her kind of roll off my back like she's water and I'm a duck. I had to learn how to do this, and it wasn't easy at first. I am a direct person and I wish she was too so we could hash things out and become actual friends, but she's not and I can't change her. I know she drives my husband crazy so that kind of helps, if he was letting her sway his opinions about me I would be up in arms, but as it is I pity her and am the one who reminds him to call and check in on her. Kind of ironic, really. We only see her maybe 6-7x a year though and she lives 20 miles away so that does say something...my own parents live further away and we usually see them once a week, because they put so much positive energy into time with their grandkids.

 

Just be glad you're not the evil son stealer in the family. You'll probably find your own 'niche of shame' soon enough, though . Maybe you can embrace it, that'll really drive her crazy.

[BlackLovely]

Wellllll, by 'accept' I think I mostly mean I just don't let her pull me into her passive-aggressive emotional whirlpool and I try to let her kind of roll off my back like she's water and I'm a duck. I had to learn how to do this, and it wasn't easy at first. I am a direct person and I wish she was too so we could hash things out and become actual friends, but she's not and I can't change her. I know she drives my husband crazy so that kind of helps, if he was letting her sway his opinions about me I would be up in arms, but as it is I pity her and am the one who reminds him to call and check in on her. Kind of ironic, really. We only see her maybe 6-7x a year though and she lives 20 miles away so that does say something...my own parents live further away and we usually see them once a week, because they put so much positive energy into time with their grandkids.

 

Just be glad you're not the evil son stealer in the family. You'll probably find your own 'niche of shame' soon enough, though . Maybe you can embrace it, that'll really drive her crazy.

 

Since my MIL is a traditionalist, I'm sure my niche of shame will be childfreedom. She knows her son doesn't want kids, but I know she'll talk to me about this privately. This is because she has asked us to visit by only speaking with me; when I go to my hubs, he'll say that his mom never asked him about coming down. Divide and conquer...

I will not be vocal about not wanting children because no parent wants to listen to that.

[Feelin Frisky]

...My mother is the same way. The difference between my MIL and my mother is my MIL is more benign~a watered down version of my mother's full strength poison...

 

I got a kick out of that. You to, eh? I wonder how many people have toxic mothers who can't stop be agents of emotional disarray. Probably a majority--mothers can be real mothers.

[liveforluck]

**** the bitch....just knock her up

[amerikajin]

There are weird dynamics in marriage. I think mothers are always worried about ceding power and influence in the son's life whenever he finds a woman. Mothers fear being abandoned. They fear that the woman whom the son marries will become a control freak and cut the son away from the family. They fear that they won't take care of their child and that he'll be heartbroken by her at some point. A mother's protective instincts never quite turn off, and it takes a bit of self-awareness and self-restraint on the part of the MIL to check herself. I think it also takes a strong son (husband) to be able to brush her back a bit. It's not easy because sometimes siblings can jump in and start taking sides. Then it gets really complicated.

 

Honestly, I think dealing with a MIL this just takes a bit of time and a mixture of strength and social finesse. You and your husband will have to know when to bow up and when to back away and let your mother just be the person she is. It may take some time, and more importantly, people on all sides have to make the effort to understand each other. The problem with in-laws is that, because they are senior, they have a tendency not to respect their children or anyone younger. They can become self-righteous and that is where the trouble begins in some cases, because they won't listen or acknowledge the concerns of others. But if your in-laws can be flexible, it will work out.