3 months - she wants me back, but..

[archivist]

Hi LS, I come again to ask everyone for their advice.

 

My ex and I are 3 months detached now, she broke NC about 2 weeks ago. I was not in a good place 2 months back but NC had really helped me get to the stage I am at now. During NC I was bitter and angry that she could just cut me out like that. But when she initiated contact she was different and more considerate again, more like the old her. I was able to talk to her like normal, joke around have fun and I realised that it just didn't hurt me anymore. I was sure that things were over between us as she was so angry when she broke it off with me she literally cut me out of her life for 2 months. I felt that I had no choice but to move on.

 

At around the same time she broke NC I had just met someone new, there wasn't instant chemistry but a week later we had arrange to see each other again. I enjoy spending my time with this new person and have been on 2 dates with her. She seems really nice and I want to give us a chance. I'm sure if we continue to see each other we are going to hit it off.

 

Last night my ex wanted to meet up all of a sudden and talk face to face. She wanted to give me concert tickets she had bought for my birthday before the break up. I had a feeling it might have been something to do with asking me if she can still come with me. Turns out she opened up and told me she misses me, but she needed this "break" and that she would like for us to try again. I was shocked to say the least. I tried to be very honest but I couldn't tell her the entire truth because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

 

I always had this hope that she would come back, but realistically I wasn't sure how we could jump back into a relationship. The history is we had been together for 3.5 years and lived together. But twice after living with me for a year she would freak out, need space and move out. Each time it hurt like hell. I admit I was sometimes emotionally closed and that I would neglect her feelings so its not like I was totally innocent. I won't lie, I miss her and I still care about her very much, I told her that and I also told her that for me to come this far with the healing and getting my life back together I don't know if its a good idea to try again. She just walked out of my life, NC for 2 months now comes back and expects that we can still try again is just crazy. I really don't want to go through the same heartache again.

 

tl:dr My ex broke up with me and moved out twice. 3 months later she says she misses me and wants to try again. I've met someone new and I want to give her a chance. At the same time I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings (she didn't think about my feelings when she walked out). How can I handle this and not be an ahole to both people?

Edited August 27, 2010 by archivist

[Don Ho]

My ex broke up with me and moved out twice. 3 months later she says she misses me and wants to try again. I've met someone new and I want to give her a chance. At the same time I don't want to hurt my ex's feelings (she didn't think about my feelings when she walked out). How can I handle this and not be an ahole to both people?

 

I think the first part, bro, is that you have to get over being butt hurt about what happened in the past with your Ex. Ok, she left you twice and it really hurt. It does hurt. However, it sounds like you care about her but just don't want to get hurt again. I don't think your Ex is being disengenuine, I think she does care about you and needed space and does miss you.

 

My take on your Ex is that she has commitment/relationship issues and/or you were smothering her. You probably would have done better with the Ex if you learned or "sensed" that when she was getting nervous and backing off that you backed way off and played it cool. It like getting your feet wet and the beach; when the tide goes out, you wait for the water to come back in, you don't chase after it. Get it? When they "pull" away you either stay or "pull" way back. You do not chase your push.

 

So. To answer your question. You may want to test the waters with your Ex. IF you can let your bitterness about her past actions go. It doesn't sound like the new girl really knocks your socks off. I think maybe you should see both and either be non-committal about where you stand or if you are dating other people (it really should not come up so soon in either case) or tell one or both you are "dating around" right now. I don't think you should lead the new woman on though. If you find yourself getting re-interested in your Ex, you need to be respectful of the new woman and not burn her and let her know what's going on. Good luck.

[teanoranges]

however..

on/off relationships are rarely healthy. please keep in mind that it is quite possible you two will go through the same stages. You two already have it ingrained in your brains how you treat each other and that is something that's hard to change (and somehow I feel it would take more than 3 months to change that).

[Don Ho]

True. Archivist would definitely have to make sure they both make changes and change the way their relationship works. Archivist, I would go read the first page of Nuala's thread and see if that helps: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/

[archivist]

You all raise valid points, thank you. I haven't got time to write a proper reply right now but my ex was frustrated that I sometimes do not show her how much I loved her. I wasn't one to say those words very often, but i'd show it with actions. So it's actually the opposite of smothering. We got complacent and drifted apart.

[Don Ho]

Got it bro. Just trying to give you some advice; it's tough when we don't know all the details. Yep. You both got complacent because neither one of you was a challenge! That's why you have to have a LIFE, your own friends and own hobbies. Maybe not a bad thing that she was complaining you don't tell her enough how you feel. In fact, I think that's what you want. Better to have them begging for attention (to some extent) than being a PUSSY, smothering them and watching them dump you!

[archivist]

Thanks Don Ho for that page, I'm pretty proud to say I pretty much followed most of that advice already as I had been reading various different threads. At first it was to lure her back, but after 2 months of nothing. My mind started shifting to a more to, shes not coming back its time to move on kind of view.

 

I do still care about my ex and her feelings but I share the same thoughts as teanoranges, this pattern or behaviour we both share could come up again and I can't deal with her walking out again. Myabe it is better to keep things the way they are now? I think I'm going to tell her I can't be with her and see if we can be friends later on when we are both ready.

 

I don't really want to date both casually as it doesn't sit right with me, some people can do it but not me. I do actually like the new girl but it's just early days yet so there is not a lot I can say about her. We just get on really well and we have been talking a lot recently. I just don't want to be in a situation where I hurt either one of them so that's why I think I need to just tell me ex and then take things slowly for myself.

[rattled]

I totally agree with teenoranges. I was in a very similar situation (she walked out on me so easily on a 4 and half year relationship) with you back in June when my ex and I had 2 months NC when she broke it and expressed how much she missed me and wanted things to work out (like your ex, she seemed a lot like her old self). If she had tendencies in the past to walk out, in my honest opinion, you should be weary and think logically and selfishly.

 

I took the leap of faith and dove back into the relationship only for her to break my heart again 2 months later when she met someone else. It seems like you've gotten yourself back up on your feet. Something that obviously takes time. But if she begins to act out and walk again, you'll feel regret and you'll have to start all over again.

 

Good luck!

[Don Ho]

Ok, after reading answers on your thread and contemplating a little more I see where you're coming from bro. Knowing what your Ex has done in the past, I too would be very leery of her doing it again. You have been through this with your Ex several times. They say when they come back, they will do it again and you will be heart broken again. In your case you should recognize "once it's broken and can't be fixed".

 

BTW, I respect that you do not want to be a jerk and lead either woman on, especially the new one and that you do not date multiple women. I would go with the new one, she may or may not ever dump you, but I think it's a safe bet that your Ex would dump you again! Good luck. Keep us posted.

[Nappeal]

This is something most 'dumpees' would love to happen.

 

We daydream about what we would say; what we would do if they showed back up. When they come back, IF they come back, tho, we're usually so moved on that we can SEE why the breakup occured to begin w, and we understand and have made peace w it. That's the big difference between dumpers and dumpees - we hurt, mess up, get over it, and move on. Dumpers don't always do that. We can and do eventually rationalize in our minds WHY we need to move on and never look back.

 

Its sounds as if thru all the heartache you suffered, you came to terms about the relationship...forget all that initial fluff that we feel about the relationship or the other person, you can see clearly just wth happened. To be able to say 'thanks, but no thanks' is bittersweet. She has come back; oh, you dreampt of this day!!; but you know better about her and the relationship, and you know its not what's best for you. Plus, you got a little hottie waiting for you.

 

You've made immense progress, and this is a difficult situation. IF I WERE YOU: I'd dig to see how sincere she was, all while staying backed away from her. If you see a whole lot of sincereity, or she just won't leave it alone, hell why not try again? But, look @ all the progress you've made...don't risk heartbreak again. I hope you are able to decide what is best for you.

[Darren Steez]

Why don't you tell her the truth and be honest with your ex, she's using you as an emotional punch bag because she knows you'll always be there in the end, walking out and cutting off all contact should never be seen as a solution, what does she expect you to do? keep your life on hold while she does whatever she does during the break then when she feels she's ready just jump back into your life? And who's to guarantee that if you try again she won't repeat this behaviour again except this time you'll be waiting what? a month, two months a year? Live your life and find someone who will treat you like a partner not a user. Enjoy yourself, love is not a chore.

[bonpaw2008]

Thanks Don Ho for that page, I'm pretty proud to say I pretty much followed most of that advice already as I had been reading various different threads. At first it was to lure her back, but after 2 months of nothing. My mind started shifting to a more to, shes not coming back its time to move on kind of view.

 

I do still care about my ex and her feelings but I share the same thoughts as teanoranges, this pattern or behaviour we both share could come up again and I can't deal with her walking out again. Myabe it is better to keep things the way they are now? I think I'm going to tell her I can't be with her and see if we can be friends later on when we are both ready.

 

I don't really want to date both casually as it doesn't sit right with me, some people can do it but not me. I do actually like the new girl but it's just early days yet so there is not a lot I can say about her. We just get on really well and we have been talking a lot recently. I just don't want to be in a situation where I hurt either one of them so that's why I think I need to just tell me ex and then take things slowly for myself.

 

I think what you are going to tell her is absolutely correct. You know that things aren't ever going to be "casual" with the old GF- there is too much history. Give this new girl a chance or stay single and keep healing, just don't end up back in the same position by going back and not fixing what was broken in the first place.

[archivist]

Hey all,

 

Last night a few things happened. My ex asked me to go over for dinner as I had to drop off a letter from her work. I had my reservations about going but since we are going to the concert next week I didn't want to spoil the mood. In retrospect it was probably a mistake but I also needed to talk to her.

 

I told her that I had been thinking about us. I said that it would probably be better to keeps things how they are now and to stay as friends. I told her I was scared we would repeat past mistakes and that it's so easy for any one of us to just walk out if things got tough because of all our past history. She kept telling me how she wants to be with me and how things would be different - she would communicate more. I could see she was tearing up and we held each other whilst we just talked back and fourth about the same things.

 

When she broke up with with me I kept pushing her away by trying to get us to talk things through and she was going out a lot avoiding me, I told her that she couldn't do that forever and she mentioned it again last night agreeing with me. This is was my dream situation the one every dumpee pictures in their head - it came true and she admits I was right. But this does not make me feel any better at all, there is no victory for anyone we are both the losers here - I do not want to hurt her.

 

Now I am more confused then ever, she asked me to think about us again but I did not answer. She seems sincere and a part of me wants to give it a try. I see many stories of how people get back together but then things just go wrong further on down the line. But then I know of a couple, cousin of my friend who broke up, one even dated someone else, but now they are happily married with two kids. Whatever, I shouldn't be comparing ourselves with others...

 

I think I'm doing the right thing, but sometimes I'm just not sure. I don't know what to do about the new person I met too. Maybe I should slow things down, we are going on our third date next week. But how do I even do that - do I tell her about my ex? She knows that I still talk to her (as friends) and that we're going to the concert next week, and she is fine with that but now that this happened she probably wont want to get too involved? Looks like things getting are complicated and I should probably stay single and get my head straight.

Edited September 3, 2010 by archivist

[dng]

Bro, I don't want to spoil your mood but here's what's very likely going to happen:

 

1. Once your ex figures out you want her, she'll calm down and start remembering why she left you

 

2. Meanwhile, you will have slowed down the new relationship and she will wonder if you have commitment (or other) issues because she doesnt know what's going on

 

3. You will wait around for a few days or weeks on your ex and eventually she'll tell you that it was a mistake and she should have said nothing

 

4. The new relationship may or may not be salvageable but the new girl will have these new thoughts about you

 

I know its hard to wrap your mind around this and it hurts. I'm going thru something very similar at the moment.

 

Courage.

[usagi]

Looks like things getting are complicated and I should probably stay single and get my head straight.

 

I think you have your answer here. Get your head straight and then you can think about a relationship. The result will be a better and stronger relationship whatever you way you decide to go in the end. You're handling everything admirably btw.

[Simon Attwood]

What she did, may have taken a lot of courage, or it might be that she is just avoidantly needy, it's difficult to tell from a post on the internet. Only you know her, only you know if she is the needy type.

 

If this was an act of courage, then what she did took a lot of guts. You go back to her and she may turn again, or she may have honestly realised what a good person she hurt and lost.

 

you don't know whether this new person won't come with her own issues yet.

 

Only you can make this call, and only you can know your ex well enough to say whether she is being genuine and honest, or just avoidantly needy.

 

if you can say that she is being genuine, then you need to match her courage.

[archivist]

Simon what you wrote is incredibly insightful, I know my ex, she is not usually needy and what she did took a lot of courage, that is why I feel so bad for her.

 

BiAxident, how long did it take for your Ex to want you back? She chased you for months only to walk out again, it's hard to believe people can do that! Your situation can finally bring you closure, you just need to concentrate on healing. As much as want for us to both be happy I am so worried about something similar happening to us.

 

I used to have doubts about my Ex, things about her used to annoy me, it's part of why I pulled back and how we drifted apart. If these feelings were to come up again we would just end up in heartache again.

[Simon Attwood]

Simon what you wrote is incredibly insightful, I know my ex, she is not usually needy and what she did took a lot of courage, that is why I feel so bad for her.

 

I'd say that it is yourself that you really need to feel bad for, because, if you believe she is genuine, you cannot match her courage.

[Kic]

Here is what I would do:

 

New girl:

On the third date, probe her a little more deeply than you might have if your ex were not an option. Find out, in the most charming or subtle way possible, whether you have the same points of view on a few of the heavy subjects, such as kids, religion, monetary discipline, hobbies, degree of freedom, etc. Maybe she enjoys sex more often or is more financially responsible - these are things just waiting to be discovered!

 

If you find that you disagree on kids, you tend to save the maximum for retirement while she'd rather gamble and vacation every few months, or another important topic, then you can more confidently choose to return to your ex. If you agree on 100% of these issues then marry the girl!

 

Ex:

You already know where you agree and disagree with your ex, but you still should highlight some of your differences (again, in a tactful manner) and see if your ex is willing to make any changes. You could agree to compromise in some areas as well. That way, instead of picking back up where you left off, you can refer to x areas where you've made compromises so that your relationship is more likely to succeed this time.

 

Is your ex "crawling back" after a failed relationship after yours? Thinking on what Simon said, it's not as courageous if she's just afraid of being single...

[archivist]

Hi everyone,

 

It's been a long time since I have been on here and I always liked it when people updated their old threads so people can how far they have gone.

 

Well I'm pretty much over the Ex, but she still wants me back and I still have a soft spot for her, but I stand firm in that I do not want to get back with her. We still see each other fairly regularly maybe 1-3 times a week (mutual friends so we can't go NC) every 2 weeks. I must admit sometimes I'm not sure if she's just being friendly or trying to win me back but my response is always cordial.

 

Things with the new girl just took a twist yesterday, we finally started to hit it off but something has come up and you can read about it here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3060999#post3060999