Torime89 Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 So Ive been with this guy for about 5 years. 3 years in high school and 2 years out of high school. Thats when we started to live together. It was hard to deal for the past 2 years because a lot has happened. Life just hit us after high school lol like it hits most everyone. Because of the stress we started to have intimacy issues. But still really loved each other and spent time together and everything. But we argued a lot because there was no intimacy and because of a lot of stress with his and my work and me having surgery. He works a graveyard shift so I never really got any personal time with him. We were engaged for about a year and a half too before the break up. About 2 months ago I recently got fed up with everything and ended it between us, even though I still love him. I was stupid and wasn't thinking. About a month later I tried to talk to him about getting back together because I missed him a lot. He said he misses me too but said he doesnt think hes in love with me anymore and that the break up was a good thing. Hes NOT seeing anyone either. He said we should try to be friends and see where that takes us. I got advice from my friends and his mom lol who loves me, and they all said to get him back give him his space and dont text message him or see him much for a while. Which is hard since he has "our" dog at his house still because I dont have a place of my own yet. So I started to see him about once a week and I never text him unless I have serious car issues. He has texted me out of the blue a few times before and asks whats up and ive replied with simple texts or just sometimes ignore him. Anytime I see or talk to him im a positive person. When I see him he looks at me and smiles and is nice back. I dont know if he misses me or anything though because I dont ask. I dont want to be needy or clingy to him. His mom said she recently talked to him and asked about us and he said he doesnt know about us and that he felt very incompatible with me and that he wants to try being friends for a while. She said that we have a strong connection and that we can never really be just friends. He said that he thinks I wouldnt be able to be just friends with him either, its too hard for me. Then he said "I donno I guess we'll see how everything goes between us". So that just kind of seems like he is confused on what to do. But he still has not said anything to me. His mom also said that it seems like he wants to be free for a while because he only is 20. But long time ago after the first 9 months of our relationship he broke up with me because we fought so much and it was not fun anymore and he wanted to be single and "free" for a while. He also said he didnt love me anymore after like a week after the break up. BUT then 4 months later he comes back to me and tells me he misses me and we got back together. Hes pretty much doing the exact same thing he did before. Am I on the right track of getting him back? What do you think hes feeling? Do you think there is a good chance of us getting back together? Give me advice on what to do please!
Don Ho Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I would go NC as much as possible. Don't respond to his texts. Don't let him put it in the friend zone so it's comfortable for him. DO NOT tell him you cannot just be friends! If you talk and he mentions it, just say something like "let's just see how it goes". You don't want to lock in or out. Be non-committal. Now you know you can't and don't want to be just friends, but you need to keep that card close to your chest. I think the bigger issue is that he lost interest because you were not a challenge. He loves you, but doesn't have that "spark" or that "feeling" anymore because you let it get stale. I think you need to do a little reading on the internet on being a challenge, flirty, interesting and so on. Maintain NC. Read the first page of Nuala's thread about ten times (excluding "Light Contact", which I don't agree with): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/
Author Torime89 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Thank you! =) Great advice! Im reading Nuala's thread and it makes sense on what to do. I'll try it!
Don Ho Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Torime! Are you getting it?? Now back the hell off, start reading about how to be interesting, getting a man, being a challenge and so on. Some will call it a game and you know what? They're right! It is the game of love and the best player wins!!
Author Torime89 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Didnt I just tell you I was getting it? lol I just told you I was reading about it all. I want to try it.
Don Ho Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I must not have had my coffee this morning when I wrote! LOL. I meant "do you understand" what I'm talking about after you read Nuala's thread? You do need to find some other stuff on the internet too. Good luck.
Author Torime89 Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Yeah im totally understanding it now. Im online researching right now lol. Hopefully it works...and if now Im sure I'll find someone someday who will want and love me.
Don Ho Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Yeah im totally understanding it now. Im online researching right now lol. Hopefully it works...and if now Im sure I'll find someone someday who will want and love me. No one will want you if you fall at their feet and act like you're no challenge! LOL. Good. Hang in there.
Author Torime89 Posted August 28, 2010 Author Posted August 28, 2010 Well now I talked to his mom today and she said last weekend he asked her what is the proper thing to do with a returned engagement ring (because I gave it back to him) and she said that if there is a chance of us getting back together then to hang onto it for a while. And he said "im only 20" and that he doesnt think he should be in a serious relationship right now, and that hes not looking for anyone either. But in our first break up years ago that only lasted 4 months, he said the same thing! Then we ended up together again. But anyways the point is he desided to keep the ring and he stuffed it in a box and stored it in the garage. I know this because I asked where he placed something and I saw the ring in the box. Now what does this mean??? Does this mean hes thinking someday we'll get back together or what?
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I would not read too much into it. Maybe it has sentimental value or he just doesn't want to deal with it right now. Keep moving forward Sista.
GrayClouds Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I think the bigger issue is that he lost interest because you were not a challenge. He loves you, but doesn't have that "spark" or that "feeling" anymore because you let it get stale. I think you need to do a little reading on the internet on being a challenge, flirty, interesting and so on. Maintain NC. Read the first page of Nuala's thread about ten times (excluding "Light Contact", which I don't agree with): http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190782/ That is bs advice, if you need to play games to win him back then, even if you do succeed, your left with two choices; keep playing games to keep him or lose him again. You can not manipulate people into loving you. Good healthy relationship is about both parties knowing what they want, working to make it better, and communicating effectively. Your quite young and been in this relationship for about quarter of your life. People change a great deal during this period. It would do you a lot of good to spend some time on your own to get to know yourself better. Read the follow for some better advice on to do this: So you want a second chance? If you do as it says you will be better off no matter if you does decide on his own your the one or not. In fact I suspect if you work hard at it you may decide he is not the one for you. First love are hard to let go, they teach a great deal but seldom are then the end of our education about how we love and who we love. Good luck. .
Don Ho Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 That is bs advice, if you need to play games to win him back then, even if you do succeed, your left with two choices; keep playing games to keep him or lose him again. You can not manipulate people into loving you. . Sorry, Gray, but you're dead wrong. If you don't think that the "dating ritual" plays into every relationship and every marriage, then you're just a fool and YOU will be the one that get that gets dumped because you were not a challenge and your spouse lost interest. It's ingrained in us from prehistoric days. Too bad you don't like it, but that's reality. Love is a game and the winner is the best player. So Gray, you go ahead and live your life in denial that people do not need or want an on going challenge in their relationships and you will end up old and alone. Good luck with that. Torime, stick with the program. The BS advice given to you by people like Gray will get you no where just like it has already. Hang in there Sista.
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