Maggotface Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I'm not one to open up about issues going on in my life, I was raised to sweep things under the rug. That's why I turn to the internet because I don't know how to talk to my friends about what's bothering me. I'm sorry if this is not in the right place I wasnt sure where to put it. I've been thinking about my brother a lot lately. He died two years ago when he was 18, we werent very close. He was adopted by another family and I hadnt seen him in a very long time. When he died I felt like a part of me got ripped off and has been missing ever since. I can't seem to get over it and I don't know anyone else who has lost a sibling. I always feel partially empty. I remember this bond, this connection me and him shared when we were little. I feel that part of me can not begin to recover because there is so much that did not get done, he never got to meet his nephew, he never got to see me get married, graduate high school.. His death wasnt unexpected he had been sick his whole life. Why do I still feel like something is missing? Why after two years can I still not let go of the fact that he is not around?
robaday Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Hugs, What you are going through is normal. I lost my sister over two years ago to a sudden death and drove me to severe depression. It was only a year ago that things started to look up. I can't speak for everyone, but I had a full blown existential crisis where I confronted the meaning of life and death over course of two years. I sunk very very low. It makes you realize how powerless we are over life events. In my case, I developed OCD, something I'd never had before, where I repeated thoughts, situations and tried to correct them over and over again-a coping mechanism that kept me stuck for two full years-"If I hadn't done this, If I hadn't done that" and so on until I was close to crazy. That connection is important, siblings to me at least are the most important relationship you can have-they are your link to your past, present and future-when your parents are gone, they are the only people who will remember your childhood. What helped me was talking, talking a lot. It sounds like you have unresolved issues-have you thought of going to counselling? even just talking to someone and getting it out there helps. Unresolved grief can cause problems further down the line. For me, I got sick of feeling sick, realized that the last thing my sister would want would be me descending further and further into a dark place, realized that I was better than a crack den, or fighting, etc. Realized I owed it to her to be happy, anything less would be a betrayal of who she was. Do I miss her now? sure, but its different, it's not with sadness, its an appreciation of a wonderful person. My grief has gone through all the five stages and slowly has come acceptance (although I still shed a tear now and then). It never leaves you, but gives you a greater understanding of who you are. I am even grateful for the experience-it's strengthened me as a person and it has made me realize I have a HUGE skill that no-one can take away-empathy, developed through pain yes, but how else are we to learn about this world we inhabit? A great article I read which made things clear in my head was one by dr. Linda E Jordan, called "How Long Should Grief Last". Im not sure what policy is on links but please google it-it helped me a lot!
daisymae Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 If you ask me, there is no "normal" pattern of grief. The five stages are accurate, but no one goes through them the same way, or in the same order even. The grief process for the next loss you suffer probably won't even look the same as this one. My sister passed away three years ago a the end of next month. She was also 18. I can't help but think often about things she is "missing out on," that she never got to see or do. I feel like I'm missing out on seeing her accomplish her dreams as well... she wanted to be a chef, and was already an amazing cook. Everyday I feel like something is missing, even though life has moved on. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the "acceptance" stage... more that I know I'll just keep living day to day, and that I'll always feel that she is missing. Everyone deals with loss differently. Some form of catharsis helps a lot of people, but it doesn't have to include talking it out with someone. I rarely talk about how I feel about her death anymore. It helped at first, but now that I'm living in a place where no one had the chance to know her, it doesn't really help. But it does help me to tell people about the person she was. It helps me to try some of her recipes, to have fun creating something in the kitchen that she would like (though I'll never be as good as she was). It's my way of honoring her memory. I look for signs of her- dreams, her favorite color, butterflies... I have a cd of her favorite songs that, when I play it, a different song skips everytime.. usually back to the beginning to play the song over again. I see those as signs that she's still around in some way, and that the memory of her won't fade. Some days are ok. Some days I feel more of the weight of it, and end up crying until the weight lifts off. I hope the day never comes that I stop missing her, as painful as it is. I guess what I'm saying is, try not to think of your grief as something that should have passed by now. If there's anything I've learned, we carry it with us throughout our lives in many different forms. For me it changes everyday. With time, you might feel differently, but don't sweat it if you don't. There's nothing wrong with that either.
Goldline Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 First I'm sorry for your loss. Your post caught my eye because I have a brother too and I can understand the kind of love and closeness that you have for your brother, even if as you say you didn't know him as well as you would have wanted to. I think you're mourning more than your brother, you are mourning the life that you would have liked to share with him, past and future, that has to be a lot of a weight to carry. What I would suggest now is this: can you get to know him, through his adoptive family? Can you get pictures and memories? That would help. I hope one day you feel better.
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