I want to get him back, =(

[Yostina]

I'll try to make a long story short.

 

We're colleagues, been having classes together, and he seemed trying to get closer to me each day. We became funny good friends, until he confessed his love to me, while I was into him but still considering him a friend. We discussed our relationship so many times, I told him that I need time to see where my feelings go. Also, I talked to him about the reasons why I felt insecure to go on this relationship, 'cause they would not help this relationship to go any further in the future, I mean marriage and stuff. The reasons are different religion, nationality, and he's a year younger than me. I was afraid of his family more than mine that they would refuse it later, and didn't wanna get stuck on him and get hurt later for having no choice other than breaking it all off. He was doing his best to convince me not to be negative, and that those aren't reasons to stop us from trying. He told me that our relationship is worth the try, and made me feel so relaxed and comfortable about his family. Anyways, with time and trying, I fell so in love with him, and had the strength to stay with him no matter what and just be positive until the end. We were so in love and having good times.

 

After a month or so, we started fighting a lot, almost daily, 'cause he's not committed to his words, a cold person, and you know actions speak louder than sound! I used to ignore it many times, and telling him to at least try to commit to what he says to me, or show care. He always says, I didn't mean to, sorry, but still sometimes happens again.

One day I got really pissed off, stopped contacting him for 1 or 2 days. He felt so bad trying to apologize and stuff. But showed him that I can't go on this way I hate those fights and you're not helping me out.

 

Few days later, he said that we better break it off, he feels guilty for making me feel bad all the time, and that when we were just friends he thought that I was more happy than now. We broke up. After a week, got back together, but unfortunately broke up again after 2 days, and this time it was a stronger reason against him. Few days, and he wanted to breakup again. And since the second breakup, we've been fighting about it, and didn't know how to deal with it. He says let's be friends like we were, we tried but neither me nor him were the same. Sometimes we acted as lovers and like nothing's wrong, other times fight about it again. It was a complete mess.

He also brought up other reasons for wanting the breakup, like he's afraid we won't continue together later, also talked about religion and that our kids what would they be, but told him you have no right 'cause I was the one to tell you about it and YOU convinced me that it's nothing.

 

Last thing was before 5 days, we met and were talking. I showed him that he's been doing me wrong, mistreating me, hurting me, for no reason. It's all about him I never did something wrong to him that makes him not wanting me. I was just trying to get him back maybe not in the right way, maybe seems a lil bit nagging I don't know. I just didn't wanna lose him and willing to save the relationship and try hard to work it out. But I just needed him to help me out, at least not to think of the breakup thingy.

Anyways, after talking with him. He said I don't know how I'm feeling, I feel that I love you, but sometimes I don't! I was deeply hurt. I mean in the same day he said I love you, miss you, I'll treat you right, he admitted that it's his fault, and many situations proved that he still loves me regardless of his bad way with me sometimes. How can it be now he sometimes feels not!

 

Right now it seems each one of us is taking time alone, we haven't talked for 4 days. I'm thinking what to do to keep him! I don't wanna push him away anymore. I did my best to keep him even hurt my pride for him for almost 3 months, I don't wanna do this anymore, but still want him. I thought it's all because of the nearly daily fights made him wants to stay away. But how can I fix it?

Last thing he said that day that we'd still be friends, but don't hang out or talk on the phone, only sms's and MSN. And I just can't, I also see him in college almost daily, but now we're having a 1 month holiday.

 

Please help,, what does it mean I love you but sometimes he feels not?

I don't want him to get over me or lose his feelings even more.

I need to know what to do, how to contact him and when? What if he contacted me how will I react?

I just don't wanna seem nagging anymore or fight.

 

HELP =(

[IfiKnewThen]

you guys are really young..in college and all. and i am NO one to talk, but you guys basically seem like you have a problem with your relationship skills. people think you dont need relationship skills, just "feelings" . but thats NOT true. you need feelings and skills and timing...too.

 

my advise to you, is to buy the book, men are from mars and women are from venus. in this book it explains to you in clear language (easy reading) how men think different from us and how to speak their language and understand their feelings. and it explains the woman's side of things. if you could get a man to read this...and you read this, you'd do a whole lot better. BUT start with yourself first. read this book. No i dont sell or promote books. i wish someone bought this for me when i got married would have saved me so much heartache. anyway.....he sounded like he was REALLY into you in the beginning. and he (having no skills and not knowing how is is making a woman feel) did stuff that got you upset. YOU having no skills didnt REALLY know how to communicate that to him. so you guys fought. it turned him off. he likes making you happy and felt he cant make you happy anymore. most of the time when a guy is not a jerk...he does want to make a woman happy. and if we dont acknowledge his efforts and time, he feels unappreciated. and he doesnt understand, whatever he told you he didnt follow up on and how if he did that would have made you happy. you really need to read this book. thats my opinion. give him his space. try for a while to NOT tell him all the things he did wrong....and tell him you are calmer. we all have pride. sometimes it doesnt feel right to go against out "pride". but sometimes we are being proud for not a good enough reason. if he is not abusive, then pick your battles carefully. if he is..then get rid of him. and being a different nationality and 1 year apart is no big deal. if this is true love. this is a new day and age and i know we worry about outsiders and parents and such and they can put strains on marriages and relationships..but its up to the 2 of you to surpass and overcome that if you love each other and have MUTUAL respect. sometimes you have to learn but men and woman what respect is.

[Yostina]

You're totally right. Actually we both are having space right now, and I'm deeply thinking about how our relationship was, and I'm realizing that we lacked relationship and communication skills. Reactions were random without understanding how each one of us. This is the major problem. I'm not sure if this can be fixed, 'cause he has to help me out. I'm willing to save it if he's willing to give US a chance.

 

He's not abusive actually, but sometimes I feel abused 'cause he mistreats me maybe unintentionally, but it hurts a lot anyways.

 

Can you help me in how to initiate this step with him. Right now I'm adhering to the No Contact Rule. We stopped contacting each other and I'm not willing to initiate it maybe even if he did, just for a while. But later on how can I let him realize that lacking those skills is responsible for this damage, his confused thoughts and feelings, and that if we both worked on it step by step it could possibly work. I want to revive his feelings that were turned off, but could be still there and just need time and fixing. I don't wanna seem forcing myself into him, or forcing him to take this step, but I just want to seize even the tiniest chance if it was still there. So that if things didn't work eventually, I'd be able to lose hope completely and just focus on getting over him which will definitely get me going through a hard time.

 

Thanks a lot and I'd be so much thankful for your help.

I'll need to buy the book as soon as possible.

[Yostina]

Hello Ifiknewthen

 

I started reading the book since yesterday, and I seem to get a lot of mistakes that I've done in my relationship. We both were definitely communicating in a totally wrong way! I can't believe this is the reason behind the breakup while we both didn't realize it! We were lost to the point that he was creating weird reasons of his own, almost rambling and talking about old issues that we have already agreed on and closed them. It was a complete mess! I so regret it and I'm so afraid of losing the chance to fix it all, 'cause it seems that I'm the only one who is trying to understand what went wrong and have a strong will to save it no matter how much time it's going to take.

 

I don't know how is he thinking in his cave, it's been 7 days now for the No Contact Rule, and I just don't know how to deal with it, when is the right time to talk to him, how to initiate the talk to tell him about what I've been thinking and what was the problem that caused the situation, and that it can be fixed if we trust in each other and co-operate in it. I want him to understand that the spark is gone because of us lacking those skills in communicating, and that feelings were turned off because of that, they may be buried and can be saved and turned on just like before and even much better.

 

Thank you so much for suggesting me to read the book. I'd be more than grateful if you help me with this.

 

Looking forward..

[IfiKnewThen]

hi again! so sorry it took me so long to get back to you. i dont think you have to wait indefinitely to talk to him.you can empower yourself in other ways. and maybe by contacting him once. (this is just my opinion) i know you are respecting the no contact thing. and i know you are respecting the cave thing. and thats great. and you gave it a little time so that is cool. but you have more knowledge now and maybe you need to settle it in your head, "what can be done with the knowledge i have now?" first you have to know what you did wrong, where you lacked skills in communicating with him. (again this is just all of my opinion) and you are obviously aware now about things he is not aware of how he could have better communicated with you and where he went wrong. or make he did a jerk thing. i do not know the nature of you fights. this is all i know on this end you said:

 

After a month or so, we started fighting a lot, almost daily, 'cause he's not committed to his words, a cold person, and you know actions speak louder than sound! I used to ignore it many times, and telling him to at least try to commit to what he says to me, or show care. He always says, I didn't mean to, sorry, but still sometimes happens again.

One day I got really pissed off, stopped contacting him for 1 or 2 days. He felt so bad trying to apologize and stuff. But showed him that I can't go on this way I hate those fights and you're not helping me out.

 

Few days later, he said that we better break it off, he feels guilty for making me feel bad all the time, and that when we were just friends he thought that I was more happy than now. We broke up. After a week, got back together, but unfortunately broke up again after 2 days, and this time it was a stronger reason against him. Few days, and he wanted to breakup again. And since the second breakup, we've been fighting about it, and didn't know how to deal with it. He says let's be friends like we were, we tried but neither me nor him were the same. Sometimes we acted as lovers and like nothing's wrong, other times fight about it again. It was a complete mess.

He also brought up other reasons for wanting the breakup, like he's afraid we won't continue together later, also talked about religion and that our kids what would they be, but told him you have no right 'cause I was the one to tell you about it and YOU convinced me that it's nothing.

 

Last thing was before 5 days, we met and were talking. I showed him that he's been doing me wrong, mistreating me, hurting me, for no reason. It's all about him I never did something wrong to him that makes him not wanting me. I was just trying to get him back maybe not in the right way, maybe seems a lil bit nagging I don't know. I just didn't wanna lose him and willing to save the relationship and try hard to work it out. But I just needed him to help me out, at least not to think of the breakup thingy.

Anyways, after talking with him. He said I don't know how I'm feeling, I feel that I love you, but sometimes I don't! I was deeply hurt. I mean in the same day he said I love you, miss you, I'll treat you right, he admitted that it's his fault, and many situations proved that he still loves me regardless of his bad way with me sometimes. How can it be now he sometimes feels not!

 

i don't know what particular wrong thing he did to you. BUT if this is all about relationship skills being bad and things escalating off of that..then maybe this can be fixed. and i think it's BEYOND great that you got the book. you will be so ahead of the game in life by having that knowledge. and there are a million books on the subject where we go wrong as men and woman. knowledge of what women need and the opposite sex needs..and how each of us thinks and communicates. that whatever relationship you have in the future...you can empower yourself with understanding your feelings and knowing how to convey them to a man. believe me i made my mistakes so i know now..and just wish i knew then...(hense the name) first of all, (this is only my opinion) you know he had an attraction for you in the beginning. it got ugly. and he got ugly to you too. most relationships do because poor relationship skills is all. and immaturity etc. (unless there are other stresses, illness, major immaturity..etc)

 

if he is still free and hasn't met someone yet...(and even then) maybe you can still "reach" him. you guys are young.

 

no contact is meant for relationships that are really DONE and for no further torturing yourself with "new" pain and to move on and heal and feel some form of control over things you have no control over, but at least can have contraol over that. and it has its place, but everthing in life also has its time. there is a whole passage about that in the bible. to everything there is a season and it talks about TIMING/TIME. sometimes when we are young we need to explore, etc. sometimes we need to grow and see the light..whatever. sometimes.....we don't quite know when or if something is truly DONE-FINISHED. this sounds like it could be, but we can be second guessing now.

 

after you haven't been talking to him, maybe he's thinking on things more too. who knows. here you are still wanting to be with him and you arent talking to him and he could think there no chance back with you. he did the break up so, he had some idea he wanted to get out now. but when time passes we can think on things and cool off. its likley he would have called you but..maybe not. so i think one contact is good in a sense. i think a contact to enlighten more sometimes is OK. and you cant hate yourself for it or beat yourself up if you initiate it. it has to be about you taking control and saying. this is what i want to do and i am not going to make fear and pride stop me. i want to learn and find out. i want to take a step. if someone hurt my daughter, i wouldn't want her to go contacting him either. but if what was hurting her and someone was poor skills..maybe they could discuss that. he likely wont be a lifetime partner because you guys are young..but who knows that either. i mean it doesn't look like that now....but you can find out more than you know... i like that he was open to not having sterotypes on background interfer with his feelings. but i also like how you were weighing things out...as potential stresses. but it would have been cool if you had a meeting of the minds with your emotions.

 

 

I don't know where he is at and if you REALLY cant prove where he is at mentally and emotionally, but he thought about breaking up and did it. you may have to accept that..but you want to find out if it is still the same on his end..and if hes willing open his mind. all we know is he has a lot to learn because he's 20. and he may feel he wants more dating time.

 

so, if you want to talk to him and take a chance. i personally don't think its such a bad idea. if he's a jerk it will confirm he's not good for you. but again he will be a jerk without skills so dont forget that. if he is receptive...there can be hope. and maybe sometimes in life there are just simply better ways of ending things. so that we can have better beginnings with others in the future. so you can look at it as a win win situation. find out where he is at. maybe make the first move. and you want to LEARN more, so i say take a chance, and contact him. it doesn't make you a weaker person, if you take it all in in the position or thought, that you are STRONGER for taking hold of your destiny and growth and merely decided you are not going to let fear dictate not calling him this ONCE. i wouldn't contact him all the time. that is NOT the message here. BUT if you can do it once....and don't bombard him with too much info all at once, and just ask how he is.....and open the lines of communication (FOR YOU), than that can be a win situation, empowering you to take a step in life to see where you stand at this time. (even though it may look like and can be that he made up his mind) but again you dont know.

 

and then get communication STARTED, then give him a little dose more...(dont GO INTO FIGHTS..that NEVER WORKS) and then let him know what you learned about yourself and ask him if he's interested in learning more about his own feelings.

 

i think this can be done with young or old.

 

you have to set yourself up to be strong. and he might like your new strength and knowledge and confidence . but its not about pleasing him. its about you both trying to understand the others feelings without killing the new friendship with out of control emotions or words that go unheard when we are upset and have no relationship skills. not coming on strong argumentative and blaming. then i would say contact him but you need that mindset. if he has moved on to other things...it can hurt and you can become frustrated. but its also torture in my opinion, to wonder and worry and what if things to death and not know and be in the dark. ONE time. if youre going to kick yourself ..wait it out ... i would say to him, we decided to become friends before and it didnt work. i think we both had the wrong attitude..can we start with being friends just for today. one day at a time. (i hope this doesnt sound corny to you) you have to find your own words. just dont attack..etc. at least you will then know you tired everything. you tried to reach out with more knowledge. i would just say hey, how are you? i have calmed down some. i still have my side of things..i know you do too. this is to see how things are going with you these days...

something like that.

 

you can also wait to hear from him a bit longer. i hope that helped. i am a believer unless a guy was a totally hopeless A$$, to empower yourself and do things on your terms and call him when you want. ONCE to see if you can do it in a BETTER way. and then if he is still an A$$ you can say ok i tried. toodles jerk. you just lost me and i just found out you're NOT for me. byeeeeee