I'm scared my insecurity will ruin us

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm in an LDR and I'm pushing my partner away because I'm over thinking everything, like if he doesn't reply to a text I'm thinking it's cos he's getting bored with me already, he hasn't mentioned going on skype for weeks either=he's bored with me.

I was left last year after 18 years and I am letting the dent in my self esteem make me insecure in my new relationship, I just think if my ex left me when we were so incredibly close and compatible then what hope is there for any other relationship. It's left me feeling my partner will get bored with me and/or leave me for someone else (I think my ex left me for a friend of mine although he denies this, nevertheless they are together now).

I didn't think I would fall in love again, have been in touch with my partner for 7 months and been partners since April, we meet every 6 weeks, he is very special and I feel incredibly lucky, but the last couple of weeks it's like I'm weighing up his every move for evidence he's going off me it was the lack of skype and no response to 2 of my texts the last few days which sparked me off cos it's unusual for him not to reply How ridiculous.

I told him how I felt last night and he was so sweet about it, he understands as he was left after a LTR around the same time I was, but he didn't reply to a lovely text I sent earlier, I don't know why he didn't reply especially he knows I'm feeling sensitive about this stuff right now, and I ended up having a bad dream about us arguing and it woke me up. Then I wrote him an e-mail saying I feel all over the place lately and not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet. I also said to him this week I don't want him to feel pressured to replying to my texts for fear of me being worried if he doesn't.

I feel ashamed, I don't usually do clingy stuff like this, ugh. My ex partner left as I was so independent that he didn't feel important to me, the opposite of clingy.

It's like I'm pushing him away before he pushes me away.

I'm scared to be in love again, scared to be vulnerable. I have fear of rejection/abandonment, this is something I've felt in my life before, usually from friends not partners, I had no insecurity in my 18 year relationship.

I've never been insecure in a relationship before, it's horrible, I don't want to feel this and I don't want to hurt or upset him at all.

Most of the time I enjoy what we have, I need to stop letting my insecurities from last year's break up ruin what I have with this wonderful person.

Any tips other than I should get a grip?

Edited August 27, 2010 by HeavenOrHell

[WolfRouge]

Hi,

 

I have the same problems with insecurity. In the end I decided to get counselling because it's got out of hand. Maybe if you did the same, it would help?

 

The only thing I can suggest is to tell yourself everything is ok and he'll get in touch when he can. He hasn't said anything to make you think otherwise after all? Instead of thinking about negative stuff, enjoy being with him. Something I should've done.

 

Being in love is an amazing feeling. Cherish it and enjoy it instead of being scared of it.

 

I don't know if anyone else has any better suggestions?

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks, yes I did wonder about counselling cos I really don't want to lose him because of my fears and I don't want to feel this.

I'm usually quite busy but the little niggles have been there more and more lately, he's given me no reason to feel insecure, far from it. I don't have fears of cheating on me cos I'm so sure that wouldn't happen, but I do worry he'll get bored with me and move onto someone else, just cos people get bored.

Being in an LDR can lead to insecurity and over thinking things.

Silly really cos generally I think it's probably him who gets in touch with me more. And he says he has his insecurities too.

Yes I just want to cherish it and enjoy it, mostly I do, I hope I don't screw things up.

 

 

 

Hi,

 

I have the same problems with insecurity. In the end I decided to get counselling because it's got out of hand. Maybe if you did the same, it would help?

 

The only thing I can suggest is to tell yourself everything is ok and he'll get in touch when he can. He hasn't said anything to make you think otherwise after all? Instead of thinking about negative stuff, enjoy being with him. Something I should've done.

 

Being in love is an amazing feeling. Cherish it and enjoy it instead of being scared of it.

 

I don't know if anyone else has any better suggestions?

[D-Lish]

Doesn't sound like you had much time to heal if an 18 year relationship ended just last year. How you are feeling about your past relationship now? I know it took me a good 4 years to be ready for a relationship after my divorce- heck, it's 8 years later and I still question if I actually want a relationship ever again after 8 years.

 

Any end in sight to the distance? LDR's are very hard on people. If you need security in a relationship, finding it in a LDR is harder than normal.

 

Do you think you're truly ready to be in this relationship? 18 Years is a long time to be with someone and have it end the way it did.

[GrayClouds]

Doesn't sound like you had much time to heal if an 18 year relationship ended just last year. How you are feeling about your past relationship now? I know it took me a good 4 years to be ready for a relationship after my divorce- heck, it's 8 years later and I still question if I actually want a relationship ever again after 8 years.

 

Any end in sight to the distance? LDR's are very hard on people. If you need security in a relationship, finding it in a LDR is harder than normal.

 

Do you think you're truly ready to be in this relationship? 18 Years is a long time to be with someone and have it end the way it did.

 

^What she said^

[McGrupp]

his phone couldve fell in a ditch, he couldve forgot to pay the bill, maybe he was in the shower, maybe the battery died, maybe he's injured in a hospital, maybe he found jesus.

 

listen a lot of things couldve happened. i had this problem a lot after i got dumped, and thats i would meet someone, and get super clingy, afriad of loss.

 

there's 3 things that are super unattractive to the opposite sex:

 

1) neediness

2) Boringness

3) awkardness

 

find something to do. clear your mind. dont worry. if you lose him? your ok girl, your still ok.

 

lets relax, breathe and slowly know we dont need someone to be happy.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm in an LDR and I'm pushing my partner away because I'm over thinking everything, like if he doesn't reply to a text I'm thinking it's cos he's getting bored with me already, he hasn't mentioned going on skype for weeks either=he's bored with me.

I was left last year after 18 years and I am letting the dent in my self esteem make me insecure in my new relationship, I just think if my ex left me when we were so incredibly close and compatible then what hope is there for any other relationship. It's left me feeling my partner will get bored with me and/or leave me for someone else (I think my ex left me for a friend of mine although he denies this, nevertheless they are together now).

I didn't think I would fall in love again, have been in touch with my partner for 7 months and been partners since April, we meet every 6 weeks, he is very special and I feel incredibly lucky, but the last couple of weeks it's like I'm weighing up his every move for evidence he's going off me it was the lack of skype and no response to 2 of my texts the last few days which sparked me off cos it's unusual for him not to reply How ridiculous.

I told him how I felt last night and he was so sweet about it, he understands as he was left after a LTR around the same time I was, but he didn't reply to a lovely text I sent earlier, I don't know why he didn't reply especially he knows I'm feeling sensitive about this stuff right now, and I ended up having a bad dream about us arguing and it woke me up. Then I wrote him an e-mail saying I feel all over the place lately and not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet. I also said to him this week I don't want him to feel pressured to replying to my texts for fear of me being worried if he doesn't.

I feel ashamed, I don't usually do clingy stuff like this, ugh. My ex partner left as I was so independent that he didn't feel important to me, the opposite of clingy.

It's like I'm pushing him away before he pushes me away.

I'm scared to be in love again, scared to be vulnerable. I have fear of rejection/abandonment, this is NOT* something I've felt in my life before, usually from friends not partners, I had no insecurity in my 18 year relationship.

I've never been insecure in a relationship before, it's horrible, I don't want to feel this and I don't want to hurt or upset him at all.

Most of the time I enjoy what we have, I need to stop letting my insecurities from last year's break up ruin what I have with this wonderful person.

Any tips other than I should get a grip?

 

*Edited to correct the line which said "this is something I've felt in my life before"

[GrayClouds]

Did you ever do the Heartbreak to Connection workbook? Might be worth a read, even at this stage, to help you understand why you are so afraid of abandonment.

 

Take care.

 

x

^what she said^

 

 

*Edited to correct the line which said "this is something I've felt in my life before"

And possibly this is life telling you more then anything else, more then anything about this person, that it is time for you to face these issues head on.

 

It is important to develop the ability to distinguish the different between the feeling of someone pull away from the knowing someone is pulling away. Feelings can be unreliable, specially if they are if they are they are based in part on previous pain.

[HeavenOrHell]

What I meant was I'd NOT been insecure in a relationship before, I'm a little worried about rejection from friends as that has happened and my best pal of over 20 years vanished the same time my ex left.

Me and my ex both had low self esteem but it didn't impede our relationship at all, we were still 100% able to love each other and not be clingy or anything. I had a good chat with my ex the other night and it helped, because I had reached a place lately where I was turning his possible reason/s for leaving into something to beat myself up with, ie I'm boring, I'm not special, blah... it helped to talk to him and get rid of those silly ideas. It's been extremely helpful to talk to my current partner about it too, I've said I am not sure if I'm ready to be with him or anybody yet and he said he would be sad to lose me but even sadder to lose me as a friend, so there is no pressure from him. I've talked to the people closest to me and they think I am ready just cos of the way I am, the things I say, generally, they also think it is normal to have blips like this, especially in an LDR, I do not think I would feel insecure if we lived closer together, not that I want that for a year or two (living closer together).

My ex said I was never insecure or clingy for those 18 years.

All I know is me and my partner have a close bond already, we both think it happened pretty fast but also that it feels natural and it feels right, it's happened fast BECAUSE it feels so right, but he is willing to give me space if need be. I am pretty stunned to have met someone special after my ex. Mickleb; I wouldn't be able to walk away from him easily at all, he's so worth working through any issues with. If we'd met in the first 7 months after our break ups nothing would have happened except friendship as I felt dead emotionally and he wasn't ready.

I am a busy person but I was still worrying about why he hadn't texted, I know now I just have to remember what he has said to me when I've worried about it before, he said anytime I am worried I can get in touch with him anyway, he has been very understanding. So I feel I can work through any problems with him, I don't have to tackle it alone or walk away.

Not sure if it was on this thread but the person who said it's not a good idea to talk about my ex to my current partner; it's totally ok as we are both still close friends with our ex's and we trust each other so it's not an issue, the only issue I did have a few months back was he was still sharing a bed with his ex, not sexually or cuddling, it was because she has nightmares and needs support sometimes, she can be quite childlike in some ways, this bothered me as I was concerned she was too emotionally dependent on him, he wanted to be there for her as he is so caring, I like that he cares about people so much, to the extent if we split I know he will still be there for me, anyway I said the sleeping in the same bed when she stayed over bothered me so he told her she couldn't, doesn't mean he can't still support her if she needs it though

Thanks for the replies

 

 

 

^what she said^

 

 

And possibly this is life telling you more then anything else, more then anything about this person, that it is time for you to face these issues head on.

 

It is important to develop the ability to distinguish the different between the feeling of someone pull away from the knowing someone is pulling away. Feelings can be unreliable, specially if they are if they are they are based in part on previous pain.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hi hun, I did some of the workbook a while back, I'll take another look

I've been in touch with Relate for another, or more sessions, although at the moment it feels like I'm sorting it out by communicating with my partner and ex about it, but we'll see.

In a way we can't really rush into anything as such as we only see each other every 6 weeks, although the way we feel about each other happened fast, I remember in February we were both finally letting go of any hope of getting back with our ex's, we both had the chat with them to see if there was any way back, there wasn't, so I went NC and I could feel myself start to move on literally days after starting NC, my new partner didn't go NC, didn't feel right for him, didn't feel the need so much as I did, he was still able to move on bit by bit, being in touch with me helped him in that respect. We are both being cautious though and not rushing ahead.

I do need to work on being less distracted by thinking about him though I mean happy thoughts and looking forward to seeing him, I'm trying to find a balance of all things in my life, with my ex remember he said he felt neglected, but with this relationship I don't want to go do the opposite thing and think about him too much, make him too important so that it distracts me from other things!

 

 

We can all have moments of insecurity but you need to figure out if yours are something you can easily brush off and deal with or if they require a good deal of work.

 

As he is just out of a significant relationship, also, he may be able to understand more than most. But, alternatively, it could be that the two of you may have more insecurities than your average relationship (whatever that might be! ) and this could spell double trouble.

 

Getting involved in a new relationship quickly after the end of another means you take such risks. I think a person has to be healed 'enough' to, at least, KNOW they're going to be okay, no matter how the next relationship turns out (as McG is saying). It doesn't sound as if you were at this place when you started this relationship and it doesn't sound as though you've reached it, yet.

 

Probably, counselling is your best option. Also, clear communication with the newbie - it's always better than trying to hide an issue - but try to do this as rationally as possible. State what you need for this relationship to work, e.g. both of you finding time to Skype once a week or him replying to your text messages, whatever is important to you but, also, accept responsibility for your needs and reassure him what you will do about your insecurities.

 

This one might not be the right one and that is a shame but, ultimately, that's all it is. Feel happy you have found someone you can relate to so easily (I remember how worried you were that this might not be possible) and be prepared to let him go for someone who is ready when you are, if needs be.

 

Did you ever do the Heartbreak to Connection workbook? Might be worth a read, even at this stage, to help you understand why you are so afraid of abandonment.

 

Take care.

 

x

[GrayClouds]

Originally Posted by HeavenOrHell

the only issue I did have a few months back was he was still sharing a bed with his ex

F*ck my hat! I am the only one freaked out by this??

 

x

 

Why would you be freaked by small like that? :lmao::lmao::lmao: