Insecurity going to ruin things

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm pushing him away because I'm over thinking everything, like if he doesn't reply to a text I'm thinking it's cos he's getting bored with me already, he hasn't mentioned going on skype for weeks either=he's bored with me.

I was left last year after 18 years and I am letting the dent in my self esteem make me insecure in my new relationship, I just think if my ex left me when we were so incredibly close and compatible then what hope is there for any other relationship. It's left me feeling my partner will get bored with me and/or leave me for someone else (I think my ex left me for a friend of mine although he denies this, nevertheless they are together now).

I didn't think I would fall in love again, have been in touch with my partner for 7 months and been partners since April, we meet every 6 weeks, he is very special and I feel incredibly lucky, but the last couple of weeks it's like I'm weighing up his every move for evidence he's going off me it was the lack of skype and no response to 2 of my texts the last few days which sparked me off cos it's unusual for him not to reply How ridiculous.

I told him how I felt last night and he was so sweet about it, he understands as he was left after a LTR around the same time I was, but he didn't reply to a lovely text I sent earlier, I don't know why he didn't reply especially he knows I'm feeling sensitive about this stuff right now, and I ended up having a bad dream about us arguing and it woke me up. Then I wrote him an e-mail saying I feel all over the place lately and not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet. I also said to him this week I don't want him to feel pressured to replying to my texts for fear of me being worried if he doesn't.

I feel ashamed, I don't usually do clingy stuff like this, ugh. My ex partner left as I was so independent that he didn't feel important to me, the opposite of clingy.

It's like I'm pushing him away before he pushes me away.

I'm scared to be in love again, scared to be vulnerable. I'm scared of abandonment/rejection cos of my break up, this isn't something I've worried about in a relationship before.

I've never been insecure in a relationship before, it's horrible, I don't want to feel this and I don't want to hurt or upset him at all.

Most of the time I enjoy what we have, I need to stop letting my insecurities from last year's break up ruin what I have with this wonderful person.

Any tips other than I should get a grip?

Edited August 27, 2010 by HeavenOrHell

[pandagirl]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time! It's the worst!

 

I recently went through a very similar situation. I was feeling incredibly insecure and clingy for all the same reasons you stated. There were other factors playing into this (my depression, his work stress), but your story really resonates with me, as I'm not normally a clingy person either!

 

I don't know if this will work for you, but what I did was just focus on my own life. I got busy and motivated. Filled my time with more productive things other than thinking about the relationship. It's been making a huge difference for me. But it's not about distraction, it's about being happy on your own. I had been depending too much on him to make me happy.

[BlackLovely]

I'm pushing him away because I'm over thinking everything, like if he doesn't reply to a text I'm thinking it's cos he's getting bored with me already, he hasn't mentioned going on skype for weeks either=he's bored with me.

I was left last year after 18 years and I am letting the dent in my self esteem make me insecure in my new relationship, I just think if my ex left me when we were so incredibly close and compatible then what hope is there for any other relationship. It's left me feeling my partner will get bored with me and/or leave me for someone else (I think my ex left me for a friend of mine although he denies this, nevertheless they are together now).

I didn't think I would fall in love again, have been in touch with my partner for 7 months and been partners since April, we meet every 6 weeks, he is very special and I feel incredibly lucky, but the last couple of weeks it's like I'm weighing up his every move for evidence he's going off me it was the lack of skype and no response to 2 of my texts the last few days which sparked me off cos it's unusual for him not to reply How ridiculous.

I told him how I felt last night and he was so sweet about it, he understands as he was left after a LTR around the same time I was, but he didn't reply to a lovely text I sent earlier, I don't know why he didn't reply especially he knows I'm feeling sensitive about this stuff right now, and I ended up having a bad dream about us arguing and it woke me up. Then I wrote him an e-mail saying I feel all over the place lately and not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet. I also said to him this week I don't want him to feel pressured to replying to my texts for fear of me being worried if he doesn't.

I feel ashamed, I don't usually do clingy stuff like this, ugh. My ex partner left as I was so independent that he didn't feel important to me, the opposite of clingy.

It's like I'm pushing him away before he pushes me away.

I'm scared to be in love again, scared to be vulnerable. I'm scared of abandonment/rejection cos of my break up, this isn't something I've worried about in a relationship before.

I've never been insecure in a relationship before, it's horrible, I don't want to feel this and I don't want to hurt or upset him at all.

Most of the time I enjoy what we have, I need to stop letting my insecurities from last year's break up ruin what I have with this wonderful person.

Any tips other than I should get a grip?

You simply aren't ready for a relationship yet. It's very traumatic to be left after 18 years. I would encourage taking time to rebuild your self esteem, so that so much of your happiness doesn't depend on what your current man does.

[ComeUndone]

Ditto what Panda says. I completely understand how you are feeling right now... I am there myself on from time to time. It was really bad early on in my relationship, but now, after 2.5 years, I am finally starting to adjust to the distance and the sometimes sporadic conversation. Panda is right... you need to busy yourself with your own life. That probably doesn't sound remotely appealing right now because you know you'd feel better right away if you just heard from your man, but the truth is you need to find your solitude within yourself. If he truly is being non-communicative then you need to have a conversation with him abut that, and it sounds like you two have been talking about this issue. But... if you are just getting yourself worked up unnecessarily about small things, then try to find a way to distract yourself from that negative thinking. I do that too, and sometimes it's very hard to stop the worrying and the stressing out, but it serves you no purpose.

[tornandmarried]

when u talk to your long distance boyfriend, do u talk about your ex alot? if so stop that immediatly...it might have him feeling like your not over your x and possibly levign him feeling like hes a rebound, not that he is but he might have that impression......heres what to do..work on yourself, u dont have to break up with him, just if he give u silent treatment, back off for a while...i wouldnt even write him about it, just do it...shut your heart down for repairs and talk to him when u can....get your life together put a smile on your face and come back to him with a fresh start