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Patiently waiting for this pain to stop...when does it stop hurting?

DayAfterDay

By DayAfterDay
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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My world has absolutely been turned upside down since the woman who ruined my life left me back in March. it's coming up on six months and I still can't stop crying and hurting.

 

 

I've never felt pain like this in my f*cking life. Still. I keep hearing that it gets better and things will be okay. There is not an end in sight for me. I'd do anything to make this go away.

GrayClouds Established Member

GrayClouds

Posted
Posted
My world has absolutely been turned upside down since the woman who ruined my life left me back in March. it's coming up on six months and I still can't stop crying and hurting.

 

 

I've never felt pain like this in my f*cking life. Still. I keep hearing that it gets better and things will be okay. There is not an end in sight for me. I'd do anything to make this go away.

 

What are you doing to help yourself?

TouchedByViolet Established Member

TouchedByViolet

Posted
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There is no set amount of time... we all heal at different rates. Having said that, make sure to stay busy, participate in activities, and meet new people. Getting new perspectives can be very helpful in the healing process.

Sambo Established Member

Sambo

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Judging by the tone of your message it sounds like your blaming her for your pain and that is very bad thing to do.

 

 

There is a saying:

 

A coin in the pocket can't make noise all by itself.

 

Which means YOU are also responsible for the relationship ending.

 

Be completely honest with yourself and figure out what you did wrong and what she did wrong.

 

When you are honest and truly admit your faults...

 

Forgive her, then forgive yourself only then will you will find peace.

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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What are you doing to help yourself?

 

Everything. I've moved into a new place, gotten a new job and made new friends, I go to therapy for this two to three times a month.

 

 

We were together for three years and she came out of the blue and shattered my hopes and dreams. The worst part about it is that she's wishy-washy about it, i wish she'd just hated me, is in love with sombody else, and said that she never wanted to ever see me again...I feel like that would almost make this easier.

 

 

I went complete NC back in May...July she shows up saying she misses me and only pictures me in her future, of course I'm receptive to this...she then becomes wishy-washy again and is scared that she doesn't want to hurt me and wants to start something casual and be friends and "see where it goes".

 

I refuse and go complete NC again, and that was a month and a half ago.

9Lives Established Member

9Lives

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where exactly is the pain coming from? is it because you are hoping to get back together? is it because its over? what exactly is going thru your head to cause the pain?

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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Of course I'm hoping to get back together, I think that's what most of it is coming from, and I think i've been in a stage of denial about it for a while.

 

 

But its just that she selfishly throughout the breakup said that its possible that we could get together someday and that the relationship isn't right for her right now and that whenever she thinks about us together again she can only picture it in the future (i.e. 4-5+ years down the road).

 

It's still so unreal to me that she even feels this way, she was SO in love with me. I think she's just going through life changes and maturing and things of that sort. I don't think I really did anything wrong, and she says that too.

 

 

She's my best friend and it was such a clean break-up. It just hurts so much though.

Edited by DayAfterDay
9Lives Established Member

9Lives

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Of course I'm hoping to get back together, I think that's what most of it is coming from, and I think i've been in a stage of denial about it for a while.

 

 

But its just that she selfishly throughout the breakup said that its possible that we could get together someday and that the relationship isn't right for her right now and that whenever she thinks about us together again she can only picture it in the future (i.e. 4-5+ years down the road).

 

It's still so unreal to me that she even feels this way, she was SO in love with me. I think she's just going through life changes and maturing and things of that sort. I don't think I really did anything wrong, and she says that too.

 

 

She's my best friend and it was such a clean break-up. It just hurts so much though.

 

okay so its the hope inside of you and the thought of losing her for good right?

 

okay I understand and if you want to stop the pain you have to change your mindset. so...she left you right?

 

you want to get back together. has she SAID to you SHE wants to ge back together? YES or NO. your life is too precious to settle for maybe. so what she say?

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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No, she did not say the words that she wanted to get back together.

 

But she did say other things like, I miss you and I love you and when I picture myself in the future I can't picture it with anybody else.

 

As far as wanting to get back together, she is between a "maybe" and a "not right now". She says she misses me and it took me cutting her off and her trying to date someone else to realize that she really misses me.

 

 

But she says that she "doesn't know what that means", she doesn't know if she just misses the feeling, or me as a person romantically. She "doesn't know"

 

:(

Edited by DayAfterDay
9Lives Established Member

9Lives

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okay. well I was in your shoes over a man I was so fking crazy about. he told me the same thing..not right now and all that. I wished and hoped and prayed and cried and talked and pleaded and begged for 3 years..you hear me??? 3 years. he started dating another girl and I didn't think it was that serious cause we have a connection. we had future plans. this was just a phase in our relationship....guess what? he moved on with the girl.

 

the moral of the story is that you had a incredible connection with this chic but something is keeping her from committing to you 100 percent. find out what the truth is. if she can't tell you why you can't gwt back together...confidently walk away. I'm not saying pressure her or push her. just was her to tell u the real reason we are not together. cause she says she loves u and miss u..then why can't u be together?

BiAxident Established Member

BiAxident

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It is no wonder that you're still feeling the pain that you are. If you cant handle just being friends with her, then you need to go NC and stick to NC. After that, double-up your NC efforts, and remember to go NC!

 

http://tinychat.com/myrelationship

D-Lish Established Member

D-Lish

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Everything. I've moved into a new place, gotten a new job and made new friends, I go to therapy for this two to three times a month.

 

Good, keep up with this. It's a step in the right direction my friend- and as much as you think it's not helping, it is. Keep this up and you'll see the fruits of your labour. It's important to be an active participant in your own healing and you're off to a good start.

 

 

We were together for three years and she came out of the blue and shattered my hopes and dreams. The worst part about it is that she's wishy-washy about it, i wish she'd just hated me, is in love with sombody else, and said that she never wanted to ever see me again...I feel like that would almost make this easier.

 

Keep her cut off from contact- wishy-washy ex's are a recipe for emotional setbacks.

 

 

I went complete NC back in May...July she shows up saying she misses me and only pictures me in her future, of course I'm receptive to this...she then becomes wishy-washy again and is scared that she doesn't want to hurt me and wants to start something casual and be friends and "see where it goes".

 

As long as she is playing the push-pull game with you- you need to stay away. Treat it like a break up, like it's over and proceed that way.

 

I refuse and go complete NC again, and that was a month and a half ago.

 

Of course I'm hoping to get back together, I think that's what most of it is coming from, and I think i've been in a stage of denial about it for a while.

 

Yes, hope is stagnating your healing. As long as you have expectations of her coming back to you, you will remain in limbo.

 

 

But its just that she selfishly throughout the breakup said that its possible that we could get together someday and that the relationship isn't right for her right now and that whenever she thinks about us together again she can only picture it in the future (i.e. 4-5+ years down the road).

 

That's not good enough. You can't put your life on hold waiting for someone that makes you half azzed promises and maybe's 4-5 years down the road.

 

It's still so unreal to me that she even feels this way, she was SO in love with me. I think she's just going through life changes and maturing and things of that sort. I don't think I really did anything wrong, and she says that too.

 

You didn't. You can't take responsibility for her change in feelings.

 

But she did say other things like, I miss you and I love you and when I picture myself in the future I can't picture it with anybody else.

 

As far as wanting to get back together, she is between a "maybe" and a "not right now". She says she misses me and it took me cutting her off and her trying to date someone else to realize that she really misses me.

 

 

But she says that she "doesn't know what that means", she doesn't know if she just misses the feeling, or me as a person romantically. She "doesn't know"

 

:(

 

She's in the driver's seat as long as you hold onto her sporadic emoting. You can't control what she says to you, but you can control whether or not you listen to it and internalize it.

 

As long as you listen to those words and accept the bread crumbs, you can't move forward.

 

Trust me when I tell you that taking the power back can be very liberating. You just have to cut her off, and let go of the hopes you have allowed yourself to hold onto.

 

It starts with you letting go- she can't have power over you once you decide to do that.

 

Sure it hurts like crazy. Once you symbolically let go, you can really begin the journey to heal.

skydiveaddict Established Member

skydiveaddict

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My world has absolutely been turned upside down since the woman who ruined my life left me back in March. it's coming up on six months and I still can't stop crying and hurting.

 

 

I've never felt pain like this in my f*cking life. Still. I keep hearing that it gets better and things will be okay. There is not an end in sight for me. I'd do anything to make this go away.

 

 

It's been a year for me and I feel the same way way as you, I'm thinking that there may never be an end. I don't know what tell you except NEVER give your heart away again. It isnt worth it...

9Lives Established Member

9Lives

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She's in the driver's seat as long as you hold onto her sporadic emoting. You can't control what she says to you, but you can control whether or not you listen to it and internalize it.

 

As long as you listen to those words and accept the bread crumbs, you can't move forward.

 

Trust me when I tell you that taking the power back can be very liberating. You just have to cut her off, and let go of the hopes you have allowed yourself to hold onto.

 

It starts with you letting go- she can't have power over you once you decide to do that.

 

Sure it hurts like crazy. Once you symbolically let go, you can really begin the journey to heal.

 

dlish..this the perfect truth. I hope he listens.

 

hope will kill u. u just have to let go cauae the way she is treating him is unfair and ridicious. I know.

Sambo Established Member

Sambo

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OK I'm confused :confused:

 

You want her back then she comes back and you say NO you want to stay NC ?

 

Dude,

 

Women have no clue what they want in relationships almost 90% of the time. They think they want something then they get it and don't want it.

 

Be a MAN and take charge of this situation and ask her to marry you or to leave you alone forever.

 

 

 

End of story.

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240065/

 

This was not the original, original one. But the thread I posted when she "came back" the first time in July.

 

And Sambo, I wish it was that simple. She did come back, and I took it as her coming back for good and realizing she needs to be with me.

 

But she became wishy-washy about it again because no, she doesn't know what she wants. I feel like if i ask her to marry me right now that'll push her 10,000 miles away.

9Lives Established Member

9Lives

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Posted
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t240065/

 

This was not the original, original one. But the thread I posted when she "came back" the first time in July.

 

And Sambo, I wish it was that simple. She did come back, and I took it as her coming back for good and realizing she needs to be with me.

 

But she became wishy-washy about it again because no, she doesn't know what she wants. I feel like if i ask her to marry me right now that'll push her 10,000 miles away.

 

All I can tell you Day is be so careful not to get your hopes up too high. I went thru this and all the waiting drove me insane waiting for him to decide and in the end..he walked away. I dont want you to experience that devasttion. It is really painful. I wish you the best. i still cry about it. Please weigh this out carefully for your own good. This waiting **** is for the birds. Grey in love is horrible.

straycat99 Member

straycat99

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Honestly...I'm a little shocked that no one's given you what I believe is solid, honest and pro-active advice. Allow me to try and state the bottom line here and I hope you're not offended.

 

First of all, I've been heart broken like this before. I was engaged to a really amazing sexy man for 7 years then one day he went wishy-washy like this, and he's still wishy washy to this day. But unfortunately for him, I moved on years ago when I finally realized he was just a total d**k.

 

But I was like you, I just wanted him back. I thought he was my soulmate. I was like "zomg he's so perfect, I can't..no wait, WON'T live without him...". Well, you will live without them. It's not so much a matter of how much time passes, it's a matter of realizing that you actually don't love them as much as you've convinced yourself you do. First of all, I suggest you just get LAID by someone else. Go to a bar, hook up, use protection, just do it please.

Next thing you need to do is realize that your ex is playing a game with you. A very mean and very selfish mind game that is entirely designed with one goal in mind: to boost her ego. And every time you show her nostalgia, it inflates her ego like a heart sucking vampire. Then time will pass...and she'll need more attention to feed her arrogance and self interest, so she'll contact you again. Right? Sound familiar?

 

I'm sorry, but she doesn't actually care about you the way you think she might, and she has no intention of actually getting back with you. But wait, WAIT! Before you jump off a bridge because you can't stand the thought of her loving someone else...get this: she won't love someone else. She may never love anyone, she's too focused on getting attention, validation and self gratification. It is NOT YOU. She is an *******. And that's just part of her core personality, unfortunately. The world revolves around her. Who's going to put up with this? No one. No one except a really, really insecure guy who has a negative self image and thinks he can;t get anyone else. And that;s why you have to go get laid immediately.

 

I have to go back to work now, but please take my advice seriously. I'm a woman and I've been in enough, and seen enough human relationships to figure this stuff out.

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9Lives Established Member

9Lives

Posted
Posted
Honestly...I'm a little shocked that no one's given you what I believe is solid, honest and pro-active advice. Allow me to try and state the bottom line here and I hope you're not offended.

 

First of all, I've been heart broken like this before. I was engaged to a really amazing sexy man for 7 years then one day he went wishy-washy like this, and he's still wishy washy to this day. But unfortunately for him, I moved on years ago when I finally realized he was just a total d**k.

 

But I was like you, I just wanted him back. I thought he was my soulmate. I was like "zomg he's so perfect, I can't..no wait, WON'T live without him...". Well, you will live without them. It's not so much a matter of how much time passes, it's a matter of realizing that you actually don't love them as much as you've convinced yourself you do. First of all, I suggest you just get LAID by someone else. Go to a bar, hook up, use protection, just do it please.

Next thing you need to do is realize that your ex is playing a game with you. A very mean and very selfish mind game that is entirely designed with one goal in mind: to boost her ego. And every time you show her nostalgia, it inflates her ego like a heart sucking vampire. Then time will pass...and she'll need more attention to feed her arrogance and self interest, so she'll contact you again. Right? Sound familiar?

 

I'm sorry, but she doesn't actually care about you the way you think she might, and she has no intention of actually getting back with you. But wait, WAIT! Before you jump off a bridge because you can't stand the thought of her loving someone else...get this: she won't love someone else. She may never love anyone, she's too focused on getting attention, validation and self gratification. It is NOT YOU. She is an *******. And that's just part of her core personality, unfortunately. The world revolves around her. Who's going to put up with this? No one. No one except a really, really insecure guy who has a negative self image and thinks he can;t get anyone else. And that;s why you have to go get laid immediately.

 

I have to go back to work now, but please take my advice seriously. I'm a woman and I've been in enough, and seen enough human relationships to figure this stuff out.

 

well Stray I tried to tell him the same thing in this very thread. I went thru it for 3 years. IT IS HORRIBLE. I am still fked up right now to a certain extent. I hope he can understand the POSITION it puts him in. I invisible position that is poison to your well being. It is either yes or no. If you want me come to me when you are serious about a life together...damm serious!

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DayAfterDay Member

DayAfterDay

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Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the advice.

 

But I really, truly, honestly do not think that she is just doing this to play mind games with me and boost her ego. To selfishly make sure that I'm still an option, maybe, but I really don't think its to boost her ego. It's just to know that I'm still on stand-by while she's figuring her life out. I seriously think she is legitimately confused as I have seen her go through a lot of changes since i've even met her and I know that sometimes people just change, without ill intentions, it just happens. I can tell by her actions and what her friends are telling me that its probably not anything more than that.

 

But who knows, i could be wrong.

paleblue Established Member

paleblue

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2 years here and the aggravation is still there for me. prob because i work with her and she wont let me forget she is there. cant catch a break.

mine too is also dating this one, or that one. and i am supposed to be cool with being her friend because thats what she wants. but Only when its good for her. sound familiar? not cool. so you are doing the right thing by not settling for less than what you want and going NC. its the right thing to do. so keep it up. you have a tremendous opportunity to move on with your life since you dont have to see her and be reminded of her on a daily basis. i wish i had that. try to start focusing on other things. whatever makes you happy.

all i know is the only relief i get is when i am dating someone. when i am not dating someone - seeing my ex bothers me a lot. it makes me super jealous and i want her all over again. but when i am happy with someone else i dont really think about her. i think that is the key to getting over our exes. meeting someone new you like.

again, you have a major advantage -you dont have to see yours. take advantage of that. the only possibility i have of some relief is in another year or so when they start a work at home program at my job. let me tell you i am counting the days. it is a blessing of biblical proportions to me. and i cant wait. sure i will still get emails but that is much more manageable than physically seeing her. i can ignore an email. and i dont have to feel bad cause i wont have to see her.

 

i think the other posters have given you some great advice. do your best to get yourself together in the head and try to start meeting other chicks. once you find someone you really like you wont care about your ex. seriously.

Sambo Established Member

Sambo

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I feel like if i ask her to marry me right now that'll push her 10,000 miles away.

 

PUSH PUSH PUSH

 

The reason is you don't want a flaky relationship.

 

Force the issue and release yourself from this torture.

 

Either way YOU win.

 

Get it ?

You Go Girl Established Member

You Go Girl

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PUSH PUSH PUSH

 

The reason is you don't want a flaky relationship.

 

Force the issue and release yourself from this torture.

 

Either way YOU win.

 

Get it ?

 

Heck no!

What if she wishy-washily says yes, then in a year says, you pushed me, I want a divorce.

Then the guy has to go through heartbreak all over again.

 

NC is the way to go here.

Think about it OP--do you want a wishy-washy woman, or do you want a woman that grabs you, throws her arms around you, tells you how much she loves you and wants you right NOW! She wants you sexually, can't keep her hands off you, wants to have your babies and can't wait to meet your mother, dreams of spending her life with you and wants to discuss what breed of dog. Has fantasies of cooking your favorite meal. Ok, maybe I'm a little over the top with the cooking...haha, but you get what I'm saying!

And you feel the exact same way about her.

Go find that woman.

Edited by You Go Girl
Sambo Established Member

Sambo

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Posted (edited)
Heck no!

What if she wishy-washily says yes, then in a year says, you pushed me, I want a divorce.

Then the guy has to go through heartbreak all over again.

 

NC is the way to go here.

Think about it OP--do you want a wishy-washy woman, or do you want a woman that grabs you, throws her arms around you, tells you how much she loves you and wants you right NOW! She wants you sexually, can't keep her hands off you, wants to have your babies and can't wait to meet your mother, dreams of spending her life with you and wants to discuss what breed of dog. Has fantasies of cooking your favorite meal. Ok, maybe I'm a little over the top with the cooking...haha, but you get what I'm saying!

And you feel the exact same way about her.

Go find that woman.

 

 

Sorry but that woman doesn't exist lol

 

At least not in North America.

 

It's all about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

 

 

 

OP women are attracted to CONFIDENCE ... no matter what any woman tells you ALWAYS remember that.

Edited by Sambo
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