Author terrific Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 My is cream was great in a bad for the hips sort of way....anyway, TOW, I agree with the magic part....and it is hard, I imagine, to fall in love with someone new when you are still in love with the past....I don't know, I am not there yet and life will be far less complicated if I never am....I look at my girls who are in HS and college and dating and think, wow, they have no idea....it does not get any easier later in life.
TOWinNYC Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 My is cream was great in a bad for the hips sort of way....anyway, TOW, I agree with the magic part....and it is hard, I imagine, to fall in love with someone new when you are still in love with the past....I don't know, I am not there yet and life will be far less complicated if I never am....I look at my girls who are in HS and college and dating and think, wow, they have no idea....it does not get any easier later in life. No it doesn't, does it? But the fact is - magic exists. I know someone who is a SENIOR CITIZEN, who had a very difficult M (to an alcoholic). Her H got cancer and died 10 years ago. A couple of years ago she attended a jazz concert, met someone and has been dating him. They're getting married in December!!!! I am SO happy for her! P.S. Lol on the ice cream thing - just exchange the words ice cream for peanut M&M's and that was me.
seren Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 When H and I were having a real bad time in our marriage, I met my XH at a conference. We had parted amicably 30 years ago, I had things to do with my life, he wanted a SAHW, no big drama, just two young people married at the wrong time. We had a laugh reminiscing, I was flattered that he thought I hadn't changed a bit and that he still found me attractive. A part of me wondered if we had met and I wasn't married, would I? Answer was, a definite yes and it would have been great. I didn't because I was married, even though we were going through a really bad time, to have an A would have been just adding to complications. I saw him a few times after in conferences and he wanted to meet, but I knew if I did that there would be no going back and that it would end my marriage. I chose to put my energies into my marriage and then found out H was having an A! bloody ironic really. I think of my XH with fondness and acknowledge that if there was another one then he would be it. I think I have conviniently swept aside how he could bore me at times, yet on paper we have far more in common as people than me and H - yet H has my heart.
stillafool Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 This isn't the right link, but sort of the same thing.... http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199309/rekindling-old-flames That was a great read. Thank you.
SoMovinOn Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I would imagine it depends on how you genuinely felt about them to begin with. I think if you are truly in love with someone, that feeling will never go away.
chalkfarm Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Terrific- I think it depends on what kind of lovers you were and how the break up happened. I've had relationships where I loved the person but wasn't "in love" with them anymore - so when I ended it, I was DONE. Of course there were tears and it was difficult when he would call....but I had no intention (or desire) to rekindle anything. So the door remained closed. I think the difference is in affair relationships, a lot of times one person decides (or both agree) to end things but are still "in love" with each other. This makes things difficult even while in NC. Years can pass and the underlying love still remains. So when that exAP knocks, you're compelled to answer the door. I think the only thing that can trump that is to find someone else you're even more "in love" with than your exAP. The problem with that is....it's hard to find that kind of magic with just ANYONE. I think you are quite right here. Many xOW (myself included), fear that they have been forgotten by their xMM. That he is "done" as you say, in the same way that we have been "done" with outright Rs in our pasts - no residual feelings of real love. The Coping forum is full to the brim with this sort of break-up. I will say that many in the Coping area are very sad young men..... it really touches my heart that they reach out over there. It says a great deal for them and their gender. On the flip side though, they get a lot of "just get over it man!" "She doesn't deserve you, dude!" "Just you wait, she'll be sorry!" Mucho macho back slapping.
Author terrific Posted August 27, 2010 Author Posted August 27, 2010 Well, I cannot speak for MM, but I can say that as the MW, not a day, almost not a moment, has gone by that I do not think of him. I know he is currently in the early stages of a new relationship, as he should be...he is single, yet I cannot help but wonder if the feelings he had for me will make it difficult for him to be happy in the relationship..... Maybe women just are able to express it to themselves without feeling like "less of a woman" where maybe men feel like they have to bury the feelings....I really don't know, but I asked some friends today and all had someone in their past that they felt they were either not over or felt that they could pick right up with again...and two were both MW/MM situations....
silktricks Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I don't know, I just think the feelings don't ever truly go away. Maybe we get better at controlling them or hiding them, but I am starting to think they will always be there to some degree. It almost terrifies me to think of it, but it has been months and that man is the first thing I wake up thinking about.... I heartily disagree. Ran into my first husband about 3 months ago. Felt nothing other than sheer amazement that I had ever felt anything . I've also run into old lovers in the past and felt nothing other than friendly. (Except for one for whom I felt decidedly UNfriendly - but that's a different story. ) But months - that's nothing.
SoMovinOn Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 I think we all have someone in our past (or I do) that you still have the thought "what if" but few of us ever get a second chance because of obvious circumstances. Similar story here. 30+ years ago, we dated for 7 years as teens. We should have gotten married - but it didn't turn out that way (not because of anything between us). She found me on Facebook earlier this year. Both of us married. We've been spending time together. Things fell back into place right away. It's kind of a mess right now, but having her back, getting a second chance is awesome. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
OWoman Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 This must be a chick thing. I run into former lovers all the time and haven't had the slightest interest in rekindling the romance. There might be a little flirting sometimes, and even a couple of outright invitations, but nah, been there, done that. I guess I'm not a chick then! Phew! The key is supposed to be that the relationship ended not of your own doing, but of circumstances of life. And also I believe the bond and the emotions are stronger if the relationship was in your younger years. This makes more sense. If you are the dumped, or your R was torn asunder due to circumstances beyond your control, there would be unfinished business. But if you're the dumper - why would you want to go back, ever?
jennie-jennie Posted August 28, 2010 Posted August 28, 2010 (edited) I heartily disagree. Ran into my first husband about 3 months ago. Felt nothing other than sheer amazement that I had ever felt anything . I've also run into old lovers in the past and felt nothing other than friendly. (Except for one for whom I felt decidedly UNfriendly - but that's a different story. ) But months - that's nothing. You were obviously done and over your ex husband then. That is the thing with affairs, the participants are usually not done and over with each other even when if the affair ends. And the same goes for relationships in the past which were ended by circumstances of life and not because the participants were done and over with each other. My first exSO could have shown up all he wanted, and I would have felt like you did for your ex husband, Silks. But with my MM who was taken away from me by circumstances out of my control, totally different story there. He was already in my heart, and this love for him blossomed once again when he contacted me all those years later. Edited August 28, 2010 by jennie-jennie
UnifiedFieldTheory Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Today I read this quote.... "When former lovers meet they have to exert themselves consciously to control their feelings and not pursue the relationship. They cannot meet just once and reminisce about the old times, and not ignite former feelings. Simply believing their love for their current partner will stop them is not enough.".....This makes me wonder if an affair ever truly ends. I have read over and over about a longing for the affair partner, be it man or woman, married or single....and how months or years later one partner will contact the other. Even though I am in No Contact with my AP, part of me wonders if he and I will always have a strong draw to each other and if we are both separately going through the motions to function and lead a normal life. I cannot imagine seeing him in passing, even after all this time and not having some of the feelings resurface. I have been lurking here for some time, trying to find answers to issues concerning my marriage of 25 years. It's your post that brought me to register. For me, it's impossible to forget a relationship I had over thirty years ago. I loved her and still love her so. And wish everything in the world for her. What makes it first and foremost in my mind right now is that this person contacted me last Spring. She is going through a difficult time, and it was always easy for me to think of her far away, in a good life, and safe, and happy. She is not, and I now, I just want to hold her and tell her that even rain must end sometime. I went from thinking about her on a weekly basis to thinking about her daily. I have to believe she has feelings that have never gone away. Otherwise, why would she have initiated contact?
Author terrific Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 I have been lurking here for some time, trying to find answers to issues concerning my marriage of 25 years. It's your post that brought me to register. For me, it's impossible to forget a relationship I had over thirty years ago. I loved her and still love her so. And wish everything in the world for her. What makes it first and foremost in my mind right now is that this person contacted me last Spring. She is going through a difficult time, and it was always easy for me to think of her far away, in a good life, and safe, and happy. She is not, and I now, I just want to hold her and tell her that even rain must end sometime. I went from thinking about her on a weekly basis to thinking about her daily. I have to believe she has feelings that have never gone away. Otherwise, why would she have initiated contact? Thirty years ago huh, wow. Well, what I can tell you is that I dated a boy in HS and I still think of him often. I loved him but we were young and the time was not right. I posted a link somewhere in this thread, it is an interesting read. After I posted this, I had a very lengthy discussion with my grandmother and her sister, both in their 80's and both talked about a love that was not forgotten. I don't know what to tell you, but after talking to them, I believe old flames might not die out and may burn hot and strong once rekindled. Just an FYI, the Aunt looked up her lost love after her husband passed and has been able to visit him. Best of luck.
UnifiedFieldTheory Posted September 1, 2010 Posted September 1, 2010 Thirty years ago huh, wow. Well, what I can tell you is that I dated a boy in HS and I still think of him often. I loved him but we were young and the time was not right. I posted a link somewhere in this thread, it is an interesting read. After I posted this, I had a very lengthy discussion with my grandmother and her sister, both in their 80's and both talked about a love that was not forgotten. I don't know what to tell you, but after talking to them, I believe old flames might not die out and may burn hot and strong once rekindled. Just an FYI, the Aunt looked up her lost love after her husband passed and has been able to visit him. Best of luck. As for me, I dated this woman my first year in college. We had a strong relationship for about 3 years. It ended up being distance that took us apart. She said I was her first love. I don't know how to tell her that she has always been the love of my life. I'm afraid it would scare her. And having lost her once, I don't want to lose her again.
Author terrific Posted September 1, 2010 Author Posted September 1, 2010 As for me, I dated this woman my first year in college. We had a strong relationship for about 3 years. It ended up being distance that took us apart. She said I was her first love. I don't know how to tell her that she has always been the love of my life. I'm afraid it would scare her. And having lost her once, I don't want to lose her again. I thought about this for a bit before answering. The correct answer is to NOT CONTACT her at all and think only of your wife. Now, the reality is, you are asking which means you probably have already thought about what you are going to do. So be careful because in the end, it hurts. Best of luck.
Mousenotminnie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 This is my first time posting but I've been reading posts for 3 months now. That's how long I've been separated from my BS since D-Day. I can't completely relate to several of you especially Jennie. Terrific's original post describes my situation. I reconnected with my first love after 22 years of not seeing each other. It was as if no time had passed and it was like we just picked up right where we left off. We are both married but from the first email contact 2 years ago, which was just to say hi, it quickly developed into a full blown A. My story is very long so I won't go into all the details here. I just wanted to say how much I agree that the power of a rekindled romance is beyond anything I could have imagined and has changed my life forever.
U2RockZz Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 (edited) "my husband and I are working very hard." ON WHAT this is load of s*** as you said , your H doesn't seem to have any clue about your A....why is he working so hard..... anyways, why waste your H's time get a D and do what ever you wanted .... you are using your H for your own convenience. why would anybody want to live in the past.... Edited September 2, 2010 by U2RockZz
Stung Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Wow, Shakz, I am in my mid 40's and have not thought of myself as a "chick" in a long time.....I almost feel youngish.....seriously, I don't know, there seem to be an awful lot of men thinking of women other than their wives, and if you read over on the "coping" thread, there are a lot of heartbroken men pining away for the ex-lover. I've 'pined' for a lover but for a limited time only. I'm certainly not hung up on any of my old flames and never, ever dream about going back to them or rekindling the past. I've been propositioned by former lovers whom I once had powerful feelings for, and only once did I dip into the pool twice--that time was a mistake, and I learned an important lesson about moving on.
torranceshipman Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 (edited) Today I read this quote.... "When former lovers meet they have to exert themselves consciously to control their feelings and not pursue the relationship. They cannot meet just once and reminisce about the old times, and not ignite former feelings. Simply believing their love for their current partner will stop them is not enough.".....This makes me wonder if an affair ever truly ends. I have read over and over about a longing for the affair partner, be it man or woman, married or single....and how months or years later one partner will contact the other. Even though I am in No Contact with my AP, part of me wonders if he and I will always have a strong draw to each other and if we are both separately going through the motions to function and lead a normal life. I cannot imagine seeing him in passing, even after all this time and not having some of the feelings resurface. Personally speaking, when a R ends, I move on - there is a life of baggage free, fun, romantic liaisons out there waiting for me and I don't want the baggage of the old one, and I know full well that it ended for a reason. A bit of reciprocal attraction that lasts is nowhere near enough to make me want to be with that person or go down that road again, as....yawn - all that baggage - and compare that to the 5 seconds it takes to feel attracted to a new hot guy you've met, with new stories and new fun to be had...new wins every time. I only have one life and I don't want to waste it....if one R didn't work out, hey, we had our chance, we broke up, and that means it wasn't right. It is thinking like that that led me to my awesome fiance who is my dream guy But you are right, lots of people hold a candle for life for someone and that is why NC is TOTALLY the best choice for a lot of people to stop A's or R's or whatever starting up again. Edited to add: the serendipity or drama attached to meeting someone again for the first time in years, or whatever, often makes an A or R or whatever appear MUCH more attractive in some people's eyes, but I can't say those details make any difference to me. Edited September 2, 2010 by torranceshipman
jennie-jennie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 Personally speaking, when a R ends, I move on - there is a life of baggage free, fun, romantic liaisons out there waiting for me and I don't want the baggage of the old one, and I know full well that it ended for a reason. A bit of reciprocal attraction that lasts is nowhere near enough to make me want to be with that person or go down that road again, as....yawn - all that baggage - and compare that to the 5 seconds it takes to feel attracted to a new hot guy you've met, with new stories and new fun to be had...new wins every time. I only have one life and I don't want to waste it....if one R didn't work out, hey, we had our chance, we broke up, and that means it wasn't right. It is thinking like that that led me to my awesome fiance who is my dream guy Funny, this is exactly how I feel about marriages which have passed their best before date. Why hang on to an old marriage when you are obviously in love with another person? Whether it is a new love or a rekindled love, you have obviously moved on.
UnifiedFieldTheory Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I thought about this for a bit before answering. The correct answer is to NOT CONTACT her at all and think only of your wife. Now, the reality is, you are asking which means you probably have already thought about what you are going to do. So be careful because in the end, it hurts. Best of luck. Well, it's driving me crazy. No big worries about contact - she lives over 400 miles away. But now I'm kind of obsessed. I am having a hard time getting her out of my mind.
Mousenotminnie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I think the important detail that's being overlooked is that it's not just any past relationship that has this kind of effect when a reunion occurs. In my situation as I believe was the point of this thread is that the unique circumstances of the relationship having been my (and my reconnected love's) FIRST LOVE. Also given the fact that we were very young (14 and 15) when we originally fell in love and more importantly we broke up for reasons beyond our control. I for one only had one other relationship following my first love which happened to be the man I married and have been with for the last 23 years during which time I have always thought fondly about my first love.
UnifiedFieldTheory Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 I think the important detail that's being overlooked is that it's not just any past relationship that has this kind of effect when a reunion occurs. In my situation as I believe was the point of this thread is that the unique circumstances of the relationship having been my (and my reconnected love's) FIRST LOVE. Also given the fact that we were very young (14 and 15) when we originally fell in love and more importantly we broke up for reasons beyond our control. I for one only had one other relationship following my first love which happened to be the man I married and have been with for the last 23 years during which time I have always thought fondly about my first love. That's it, really. I had been through many relationships after "the one" - but that one was truly a diamond. Rare and beautiful. It's always haunted me. And it's been 30 years, and I was 19 when we met. I am now married over 20 years. I swear I have always been faithful to my wife, even though I had chances not to be. I'm faithful still, but truly having torn thoughts.
2sure Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 After separating from my H some months ago (and very recently become divorced) I have made a move back to my hometown where I grew up. After getting back in touch with a few friends I remained in contact with...I have been accidentally/on purpose been re-introduced to ...I swear, to every boy (now man) I dated even casually back in the day. Sadly , most of them are , like me - divorced. I'm sure my friends have been well meaning but.... A few of them have indicated that they still feel the same connection we had, have told me they thought of me all these years, still felt the same, etc. etc. etc. By being friendly and polite and genuinely glad to see them, and by being willing to reminisce...I sometimes give them the wrong idea. I am not interested, I have not thought of them. Although my heart may skip a beat or two....thats not enough to make me interested, except in passing. Further, to be honest, it makes me think ....why havent YOU changed? I mean, it just seems odd and unrealistic to think that your feelings for a person do not change when You and They both have.
jennie-jennie Posted September 2, 2010 Posted September 2, 2010 After separating from my H some months ago (and very recently become divorced) I have made a move back to my hometown where I grew up. After getting back in touch with a few friends I remained in contact with...I have been accidentally/on purpose been re-introduced to ...I swear, to every boy (now man) I dated even casually back in the day. Sadly , most of them are , like me - divorced. I'm sure my friends have been well meaning but.... A few of them have indicated that they still feel the same connection we had, have told me they thought of me all these years, still felt the same, etc. etc. etc. By being friendly and polite and genuinely glad to see them, and by being willing to reminisce...I sometimes give them the wrong idea. I am not interested, I have not thought of them. Although my heart may skip a beat or two....that's not enough to make me interested, except in passing. Further, to be honest, it makes me think ....why haven't YOU changed? I mean, it just seems odd and unrealistic to think that your feelings for a person do not change when You and They both have. For me, it made me realize that the core of my being and his, were the same as all those years ago. We had led very different lives, but yet we reconnected just as strongly as once before.
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