shadowplay Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I have two roommates, both girls about my age. Because we get along so well we’ve decided to lease a new place together for the coming year. We’ve already become friends, which is great because this is the first time I’ve had female friends in years. But this has also brought me some anxiety, given how my other friendships ended so suddenly. I get along great with one of the girls. Let’s call her Jen. At first I really liked the other girl, Sarah, who moved in more recently, but something in her behavior is bothering me. She's pretty much fine when it’s just the two of us, but when we hang out as a group she acts very strangely. Sarah almost ignores me, and directs everything she says to Jen. In fact, she’ll be talking and she will hardly even look in my direction. I end up feeling pretty uncomfortable. And it’s not as if Sarah and Jen have more in common, or I’m at all unfriendly to Sarah. I really go out of my way to be friendly to her, and I do like her aside from this behavior. Jen is great about bringing me back into the conversation. I was really pleased about making new friends, but now I’m getting uncomfortable memories of the catty friends I had as a teenager. I remember noticing subtle things like this with girls and thinking it was just my imagination, only to have my suspicions later confirmed that they disliked me. It's unfortuante because I’m trying so, so hard. I’m naturally very shy and a bit stiff. I have no clue what Sarah would have against me. I have to assume that it’s probably that I’m socially awkward and a bit odd. I think I’m also different from a lot of other women. I have a darker sense of humor, I’m a bit more cynical and maybe more sophisticated in my observations. I try to downplay this side of myself around other girls, but I guess it inevitably creeps out. I showed my roommates “Heathers” tonight since it’s one of my favorite movies. They didn’t get it. I think they were turned off by the dark humor. My tastes are more traditionally guy-like, and this is a continual sticking point in my friendships with women. And when I feel like I’m finally making friends, one of the girls in the group inevitably starts disliking me for no apparent reason. I was actually pretty elated a few days ago, because I finally felt like I was making good friends, and then I started noticing Sarah’s odd behavior. Obviously, I want to grow and learn from my mistakes as a teenager. But I have no idea what to do differently. Any advice on how to handle this situation?
Star Gazer Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 You spend time alone with Sarah. Does she not spend time alone with Jen? Maybe she's just trying to catch up on lost time??
Author shadowplay Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 You spend time alone with Sarah. Does she not spend time alone with Jen? Maybe she's just trying to catch up on lost time?? Nah, she spends at least as much time alone with Jen as with me.
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Is there some kind of Jen-Adoration going on with Sarah? See, it's obviously difficult to exactly assess the dynamics here, but taking the analogy you've used, girls at school would have (quite normally) had 'crushes' on other girls. It happens, I was at a girl's boarding school, so I know things like crushes can happen (I'm not talking about anything inappropriate, or any kind of strong lesbian feelings.... just girl-on-girl 'admiration'.....) Is it possible sarah might feel a little...'in awe' of her....?
Author shadowplay Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Is there some kind of Jen-Adoration going on with Sarah? See, it's obviously difficult to exactly assess the dynamics here, but taking the analogy you've used, girls at school would have (quite normally) had 'crushes' on other girls. It happens, I was at a girl's boarding school, so I know things like crushes can happen (I'm not talking about anything inappropriate, or any kind of strong lesbian feelings.... just girl-on-girl 'admiration'.....) Is it possible sarah might feel a little...'in awe' of her....? I suppose it's possible, but this isn't exactly the sense I get. I don't know.
Shakz Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 It seems to me that you've already assessed the situation accurately. You are a bit darker in your sense of humor, more masculine in your tastes, and more sophisticated in your viewpoint. Sarah simply relates better to Jen. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you, or value your friendship, it's just that she feels a bit closer to Jen. I doubt there's anything more to it than that.
Green Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 you just seem to be really awkward around other women... I dunno maybe she hates you... girls are very passive and if often takes other people around to show a glimpse of their feelings.
alphamale Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Sarah is trying to dominate you. You need to start treating her like crap and then she'll become more friendly.
You Go Girl Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Sarah appears to be leaning more on Jen. She's more sure of who Jen is than you, perhaps. She's showing some loyalty to Jen for whatever reason, perhaps that she doesn't 'get' you. I'm in a similar situation, and these women are in their 40's for gawd's sake. It doesn't change with age, some of them stay that immature forever. Having not have been in a woman's friend triangle for many years, I had no idea that this type of thing still goes on, and had forgotten all about it happening during my high school days. The more insecure of the 3 will play head games. You can live with them, and be friendly to them, but really--go out and seek your intellectual equals. You will receive far more rewards with them. I am staying friendly toward these two, but I know that intellectually they have little to offer me, don't 'get' me, and therefore, why limit myself to hanging out with them? Neither should you limit yourself so. Just because you are living with them, there's still plenty of people out there to relate to far better. Keep being friendly, but go seek the type of people who will intellectually stimulate you.
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