misery'scompany Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Hi all. I'll try to make this brief, tho it's worthy of a book. Opinions and advice appreciated. I met my fiance (relationship of almost 2yrs) at church. He was heavily involved with the music production & I sang so, we bagan talking. I was newly seperated at the time, and he was a willing ear. We soon began to spend more time together, and quickly began a relationship. Things were seemingly perfect for the first year, with only the minor issues all relationships have. Our biggest issue was that he travelled frequently for work, and I missed him terribly. I'd never been so in love, or felt SO loved, and when he was away, it was torturous. He expressed the same feelings, and for most of the trips, stayed on the phone every second he wasnt working, sent sweet texts during meetings, etc. In Jan 2010, he had to go away just overnight. He seemed very different on that trip - distant, distracted, and way too eager to get off the phone for the night. I knew something was wrong instantly. When he got back the next day, I asked for his laptop- something I had never done before. He gave it to me, figuring I wouldn't be able to get into it. He forgot that he had told me he uses the same password for everything, so logging in was a click away - and the biggest heartache of my life. I found offline chat messages from an old flame dated the night before. He obviously dropped her convo abruptly, and presumably it was to answer his door- based on the fact that he had exchanged pictures of himself w/ another woman who was local just hours before. Upon digging deeper, I found that he had 5 different messenger accounts with over 500 contacts collectively, and they ranged the cities he normally travelled in. The contacts included women AND MEN! I also found that he was a member of multiple online dating sites and sites to solicit illicit sex, some of which sought men exclusively. I found 1,000's of pictures of pornographic photos, mostly of women and several videos that were male on male. Devastated to say the least, I asked for an explanation. He said he had never cheated on me, it was all talk, and that through the computer, it wasn't real. He said he was curious at one time about men, but was no longer, and was definitely not interested in the lifestyle. He said that he had a pornography addiction and wanted help- and he didn't want me to leave him because I was his one true love, but he was embarrassed to tell me. Over the next few months, I tried to hold on, urging him to get counselling and dying everytime he went out of town. He never kept an appt. and I caught him 3 more times creating chat accounts and viewing pornographic material. He also confessed to having slept with someone very early on in our relationship (I suspected it, and told him that she told me- he gave me all the details himself). At this point, I broke it off, but I was so in love with him, I kept urging him to get help. Finally he said he truly would, and that he wanted to marry me - and would do anything to fix the situation. He proposed in June but hasn't told anyone he's engaged. He refuses to tell his coworkers or his boss, stating that he's private and doesn't share personal information. I think this is simply a way to continue to apppear single. He's hot and cold - all devoted and perfect for a day or two, and then he'll suddenly say that he needs to get away from me so he can't hurt me anymore- that he doesn't deserve me and that he isn't IN LOVE with me anymore because I know his "secret" and I am a reminder. I am having a very hard time letting go - I don't know if he does love me or doesnt? If he's ashamed and feeling guilty and just doesn't want to confront it? Or maybe I was just a pawn in his game that he wanted to cling to for a bit - I served a purpose. Help please - I am in therapy and am struggling with extreme feelings of rejection & inadequacy. All comments/questions/advice welcome and appreciated! Thanks for reading~
2sure Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 (edited) First, he proposed - he said words. That does not make you engaged to be married. The fact that he wont even tell anyone he is committed to you pretty much indicates that...you arent getting married. Edited August 27, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quankanne Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I'm sure he's got sincere feelings for you, but your relationship was based on his lies that hid a secret background. And now that you're on to him, everything's changed, you're no longer "safe" because he can't fool you anymore. Or lie to himself about having a "normal" relationship that cancels out the other stuff. do yourself a favor and move on. This has nothing but potential for great heartache and pain from someone who will never be able to give himself fully to you ...
Jilly Bean Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 Your problem in dealing with this is that you're personalizing something that has nothing to do with you. He's a bisexual sex addict. You didn't make that happen. You had NOTHING to do with this. Let this man go. He is way too unhealthy and toxic. Go complete NC immediately, and keep up with the therapy.
Author misery'scompany Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 First, he proposed - he said words. That does not make you engaged to be married. The fact that he wont even tell anyone he is committed to you pretty much indicates that...you arent getting married. Next, get an STD test. Because you've got one. I did get an STD immediately, and thank God, it was clean. As for the engagement, I agree, words aren't the tie that binds, I just can't understand why someone would go to such great lengths and buy a ring for absolutely nothing ... Thanks for your reply.
quankanne Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I just can't understand why someone would go to such great lengths and buy a ring for absolutely nothing to make the lies appear real, that's why. And to throw you off track ... if your attention on y'all "getting married," then it's much easier to continue his deceptive lifestyle. He's got to make the lie work in order to keep on doing what he's doing, otherwise, he's got to be honest with you. And someone like that isn't going to be honest about that kind of thing now if he wasn't honest about it up front/early in the relationship.
Author misery'scompany Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Your problem in dealing with this is that you're personalizing something that has nothing to do with you. He's a bisexual sex addict. You didn't make that happen. You had NOTHING to do with this. Let this man go. He is way too unhealthy and toxic. Go complete NC immediately, and keep up with the therapy. Intellectually speaking, I know I didn't cause it, nor can I stop it. I truly loved him, LOVE him would be more appropriate if I'm honest, and I find myself plagued by all the pictures and chat partners. There's no pattern- there's every race, shape, size, etc. There's nothing that would distinguish a fetish or a particular taste - and I have spent months trying to figure out what I was supposed to be ... which one would satisfy whatever he was seeking. The other thing that is troubling me so deeply is that he was VERY inhibited in bed - not open to things that I consider normal sexual activity - and was sometimes uncomfortable if I made a sexual innuendo outside of the bedroom ... yet, he is chatting up a storm with strangers and immersed in porn. Why not just LIVE the fantasy with the very open minded girlfriend? I just can't rationalize it ... Thanks for your reply also
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I'm sorry, this isn't "one heck of a story"... it's tragically just another variation on "I love him/her with all my heart, but s/he isn't as invested in this as I hoped". You're in it for keeps, he's in it for the cover of respectability. Well, you really need to back off, withdraw and have no more to do with him. What makes you feel as if you love him all the more, is actually the amount of additional pain, anger and indignation you feel. Those three other emotions are making you think you love him completely, but really, ask yourself - can you honestly love a man who has repeatedly lied to you about his sexuality, fidelity and different partners? Something like this can only hurt and cut you deeply to the core, if you give it the power to do so. After all you have discovered - is it worth it?
2long Posted August 26, 2010 Posted August 26, 2010 I did get an STD immediately' date=' and thank God, it was clean. As for the engagement, I agree, words aren't the tie that binds, I just can't understand why someone would go to such great lengths and buy a ring for absolutely nothing ... Thanks for your reply.[/quote'] Getting tested means nothing if you are still having sex with him and he's still cheating. Consider yourself for2nate - you dodged a bullet. This man is in no way, shape, or form marriage material. Not for a very long time at least. End the relationship, give yourself time 2 heal, and use your therapy sessions 2 help prepare you for a healthy relationship in the fu2re. -ol' 2long
Author misery'scompany Posted August 26, 2010 Author Posted August 26, 2010 Getting tested means nothing if you are still having sex with him and he's still cheating. Consider yourself for2nate - you dodged a bullet. This man is in no way, shape, or form marriage material. Not for a very long time at least. End the relationship, give yourself time 2 heal, and use your therapy sessions 2 help prepare you for a healthy relationship in the fu2re. -ol' 2long I def am no longer having sex with him ... although I want to. And I know sooner or later I'll be glad I found out before we married, but right now, I feel like such a fool! And I also agree with another poster- anger and other emotions are eating me alive. I wanted to get even - tell his employer, considering he does his handiwork on company equipment and in company paid hotel rooms, but I decided high road was better. It wasn't going to un-break my heart, so I left it alone. My therapist says she feels that he is an absolute Narcissist and probably sought me out specifically. I'm known for being compassionate and willing to do for anyone, and she says his "kind" considers that weakness- in other words, I am in love with someone to whom I was PREY? It's quite the blow ... Thanks for taking the time to respond
You Go Girl Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I've been married to a porn addict. He will never come clean, never stop, and never let you into his secret world. Is that how you want to live? Is that how you want to be loved? Is that what you consider intimacy? Time to go. There's no winning this battle, you've already lost before you've even begun. Cut your losses now, not 6 years later like I am.
DitkasMoustache Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 Intellectually speaking... This is a phrase I've used countless times with family and friends when I solicit advice from them about my W's affair. It's sometimes almost crippling to reconcile what your brain knows and what your heart wants. My heart goes out to you and I hope you find some strength in knowing you're not alone.
Jilly Bean Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I have spent months trying to figure out what I was supposed to be ... which one would satisfy whatever he was seeking. I just can't rationalize it ... That's the thing, hon. He's a sex addict, so variety, danger, risk - all of those things need to be present. Do you have any addictions of your own? Like, ever smoke even? If you have, then you understand how it takes over your life. For your ex, he will never be content with one woman in a conventional, monogamous relationship. It doesn't matter how gorgeous, or sexy, or intelligent or perfect you are. He will always need to feed the need of his addiction - risk, danger, etc. Do some research on sex addiction. I think when you understand the pathology better, it will make it easier for you to separate yourself and move on.
BlackLovely Posted August 27, 2010 Posted August 27, 2010 I'm sorry, this isn't "one heck of a story"... it's tragically just another variation on "I love him/her with all my heart, but s/he isn't as invested in this as I hoped". You're in it for keeps, he's in it for the cover of respectability. Well, you really need to back off, withdraw and have no more to do with him. What makes you feel as if you love him all the more, is actually the amount of additional pain, anger and indignation you feel. Those three other emotions are making you think you love him completely, but really, ask yourself - can you honestly love a man who has repeatedly lied to you about his sexuality, fidelity and different partners? Something like this can only hurt and cut you deeply to the core, if you give it the power to do so. After all you have discovered - is it worth it? This is excellent advice. I think you need to move on, sweetie. You deserve to love an honest man, who is proud to be your fiance. Please do not internalize his behavior. You are not inadequate because he is a liar.
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