Has anyone dated a narcassist?

[Veronica K]

I'd advise stepping carefully here.

 

I believe that one of the reasons my ex fought NC (which surprised me) was that he must not have felt he devalued me enough in his eyes. He wanted to finish the job, if that makes any sense.

[gfunknown]

Veronica - finish the job?!! OMG that is scary!!! I am being very careful. He knows that since I will be working with his partner this weekend that I may be asked a few questions about what I have been doing and I am not going to offer any info. I have kept myself pretty busy. Plus the narc will know exactly where I am for the weekend and I am sure that it was driving him crazy not knowing what I am doing and with whom. I am watching and keeping my mouth shut!

 

He does NOT own me! I am showing him that I am not upset, bruised or even a slight missing him. He is a mere figurine for me. I will play his game too. I will and can be as cruel to him...I will bite twice as hard.

 

Once the long weekend is over, he will be back to being curious about my whereabouts again. Yeah taking a break? Huh? I broke up with him. He cant handle the humiliation or embarrassment and I am thriving on it. How cruel am I? Am I turning into him? I hope not. I do not like being played.

Everyone is laughing at him and he knows it since he told me. So he is covering up by lying to them that we are still chatting and hanging out. (to make himself look better) LIE!!!! Just keep telling that lie over and over you will believe it. I am sure he does. IN HIS OWN TWISTED SICK DARK HOLE OF A WORLD.

[jenifer1972]

He will do what he can to devalue you now if he can. Because when you leave a narcissist, you are ALL BAD and must be punished. I'd be very careful here. Don't up the ante and engage. Just disappear.

[gfunknown]

He called me lastnight and I did not answer. Gosh that was a great feeling! Until this morning at 10:30am he called again and me just had to answer it. He started to talk about cordial things and then he asked me what I am doing for the afternoon if I would be able to watch his house...like be inside while there are people who are installing blinds to a number of windows. WTF! I broke up with you, I do not call you...nothing! Why? He is so afraid people are out to steal from him. He is very paranoid to the extreme. I do have a life and I prefer not to go running to him when he needs something. (like I did before)

 

I drove by his place tonight after I left a friend's place after 1am. I knew that he would be home and when I saw his vehicle I was so crushed. Damn it!!! I ohhh so need to get over him. He is a tough one to expel out of my thoughts. He is constantly on my mind...no matter what I am doing.

 

I am very silly in thinking that he is the man I want but he is a shell. I miss him dearly! This weekend I will be in some sort of contact with him...I hope this weekend goes well and I can get thru it without getting crazy and crying. His best friend and I are working this weekend together and possibly eh will give me some info. Wishful thinking! Plus it is my birthday on Sunday...hmmm...will he do anything? Probably not.

 

I am beside myself and need to break free. I am not ready to date anyone after 3 weeks...am I?

Edited September 3, 2010 by gfunknown

[jenifer1972]

When you are in the orbit around a narcissist there is a very good feeling of being very connected and valued. They are very seductive. However, remember that this only lasts as long as you reflect everything that they want and expect of you.

Funny that he wants you to watch his house. My ex did the same thing, then got very angry at me when I overwatered one of his plants!! Should have known better after all those years.

[gfunknown]

Okay it was my birthday this past Sunday and my ex narcissist boyfriend texted me happy birthday. Great! Then I was bummed out for most of the day. Then the following Tuesday he texted me again since it was hot and he texted to see if I was at the pool. I replied back..."no" pool is being fixed.

 

So then I got to thinking that maybe we should get together for dinner so stupid me texted him Wednesday night to see if we could meet up on Thursday. Well no response before going to bed.

 

Thursday morning he called me while still in bed to ask me what I had in mind as getting together. I said lets have dinner...he was all up for it. We spoke for about 10 minutes. He said he would be home shortly aft 4pm and he would give me a call.

 

So at 10 to 5pm he called and he heard me talking to someone (my niece) who was staying the night. Basically he mentioned that we should not get together and that I should spend time with my niece. The he started on that he wasn't feeling too well since I said that my niece would be fine by herself while we were out for dinner. I had advised her before of her coming over that I had plans for a couple of hours. Oh yeah, he thought I was going to make dinner since he asked me what I had made. I said no we're going out. He said he didn't feel like going out. He is not feeling too well and he will order a pizza. SICK and eat pizza??!! WTF?!!

 

Needless to say he played the sick card...de ja vu....he played that card almost to a tee before. I said that we could do it another time. So we ended our convo pretty quickly because I had another phone call coming in regarding a job.

 

All in all, I was so pissed off that he shunned me to cancel out on me. Last minute in all. Plus I got all ready to go out and was patiently waiting. Plus I was pretty hungry and was looking forward to seeing him and have dinner.

 

I guess I was looking for closure and to see if he was really who he is as a narcissist. I have my doubts but I know for sure that he is. I guess he did the closure for me in by canceling on me. Around 8pm I did a drive by at his house to see if he was hoem and yes his vehicle was there...was he really lying??

 

I AM DEFINITELY NOT CALLING HIM AGAIN. NC NC NC NC NC NC I cannot bring myself down to a level that makes me look like I am needy or desperate. No way!!!

 

What do you all think....am I right on the closure part of his doing?

 

I am so beside myself...but you know I did it to myself. Grrrrrr!!!!

Edited September 10, 2010 by gfunknown

[LoveTruthChaos]

I think when break ups are this messy, the only closure you ever get is from your own head and thoughts, so there's no point pursuing closure elsewhere.

 

NC for life.

[newdawn]

Baby Girl -- you must go NC with these monsters for life!

 

He is trying to suck you in to destroy you!!

 

You can do it - post here instead of calling, texting, driving by his house!

 

NCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNCNC!

[bobo113]

I think my ex-bf may have been a narc. He was contantly accusing me of looking at other men and being unfaithful. Then, he met a woman at a bookshop and went back to her hotel with her! He told me about it the next day & claimed that nothing happened b/c he's totally faithful, blah blah blah. Then he dumped me out of the blue last week because i didn't respond to his text & he thought i was out with other men. What do others think about this one?

[gfunknown]

How do I stop obsessing my thoughts on him??!! I am so sick of this...I need to turn off my thoughts. I sleep a lot since then I know I am not thinking about him.

 

I need to get on....it is so tough. I am the one who broke up with him and then he wants to take a break.,..so I stay here pinning for him and he knows I am waiting for his damn call. I want him to call...why?

 

Is he really trying to destroy me?

[jerrytodd]

I'd refer everyone here to Downtown's wonderful posts about BPD/NPD. If you think you had it bad imagine years and years of trying to help the other person.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233682/

 

His posts and comments in my own thread helped me enormously. My ex- with NPD (very likely at least in my opinion) is becoming more and more distant as I move forward.

 

Its tough for people outside of this experience to understand what a confusing and tough situation the relationship and breakup is like; the highest highs and the lowest lows. And why we allow it?!?!?!

[littlebluejay]

This is my first time on a site but I feel it is very important to let women out there know what its like to be in a relationship with a Histronic/BPD.

I am 48 years old and have never been so emotionally torn and confused.

When I first met S 7 years ago I thought I had met my Knight in Shining Armour... very attractive, extremely well built, gorgeous smile and we just seemed to blend... I felt straight away as though we just "belonged" together and he made it seem like he felt exactly the same way.

Normally.... when you first meet a man that you are attracted to you pretty much know whether he feels the same way.... so you trust the vibes one picks up... you cannot do that with a histrionic bpd male!

We swapped phone numbers... I couldnt help myself.. I had to phone him the next morning... didnt get any answer or response. So I left a text. Finally after a week he phoned... but it was only a two minute call as he was going out and could he phone me when he got home.. I said 12.00am would be the latest... guess what time he called.. 12.00am (years later he told me it was to test how interested I was).

To get to the point of this relationship.... I was constantly tested through the seven years... it never stopped and it was extremely draining.

Women were always around trying to get his attention.. which in hindsite its obvious the women were getting his attention (otherwise... who would bother!) even though he would convincingly explain to me that they wanted him before I came along and they just couldnt get used to the rejection.. Mind you when they did come over and talk to him.. not "us" .. it was like I was invisible..

His brother had a very attractive much younger girlfriend who flirted openly with him (he never made it obvious that he flirted back ) so I told him I felt very uncomfortable with him being around her without me.. so what do you think the next thing was.. He was sleeping over at her house (his brother was there) but his response was he didnt think anything of it because he didnt want her it was her that wanted him...he was only there as long as he was because he was using her computer to find out more information about my health problems (thyroid) and was discussing all this with her.... alot of situations similar to this has shown me problems with boundries.

He kept telling me that I was the love of his life, I am perfect for him blah blah blah and if we didnt have baggage (our children from different marriages) he would marry me tomorrow.

When I was in hospital he brought me flowers... my daughter sent me a big bouquet.. so he went out and bought an even bigger bouquet.

My others daughters boyfriend bought her flowers so he went out and bought me an even bigger bunch of flowers.. everything he did had to bigger and better than everybody else and so it goes.

I had to be careful who he associated with because he would become the person he spoke to... and their beliefs just until the next person came along.

He was suppose to be the man that "worshipped the ground I walked on", the man that said I was his soul mate.. blah blahty blah...yet in seven years we have had (because this is what he wanted) to have seperate lives... did not want the responsibiltiy of working together as a family... I was totally broke before I found myself employment and was crying to him that I dont know how I am going to be able to pay my mortgage.. his response was you know we will always work something out honey... guess what he did .. he went and bought himself a huge wide screen TV for his bedroom (he already had one in the living room) and not a bit of shame. I had to get food from the Salvation Army, what did he do.. he looked through the box to see if there was anything he wanted... .. I have neglected to tell you that he earns $70,000.00 per year and pays minimal child support for his one child because he cries poverty to his ex wife.

These things I have mentioned are only a minute portion of what he has been capable of .. the emotional abuse was horrendous.. very cold.. but then the charm and the I love you so much, I'm nothing but a jerk, I will do anything to keep you.... even tears... finding love notes on my car in the morning and the windscreen totally surrounded by roses.... but you know what NOTHING CHANGES!!!

I HAVE BROKEN UP WITH S MANY MANY MANY MANY TIMES BUT NOTHING CHANGES... they are so convincing that they are totally devoted and totally in love with you that you for some very strange reason... believe them! its uncanny how they can do this.

I have re read this and I havent been able to put across how he actually was... but I hope you get the gist of it... he was emotionally immature to the point that he was jealous of everything that got my attention... he was very nasty to my youngest son when he thought he could get away with it... he would "dob" and cause trouble, he would talk about my youngest son and myself to my oldest sons and cause conflict and stand there enjoying it all .. acting like the innocent even though it was him that instigated it all... he told my mum I had a drinking problem (which I dont, my mum didnt believe him as she knows me better than that but she couldnt for the life of her understand what kind of hold he had on me)... but he was the one supplying all the alcohol and encouraging me to drink with him... I know this all sounds like I am so stupid and gullible but when your dealing with someone like him, they can make you believe anything and they can seem to make you behave in ways that you ordinarily wouldnt....

I didnt understand why I was so confused... it was like I had a "pretend" relationship... how could someone say such beautiful things and look into your eyes and look so convincing.. then act like I am a crazy woman when hes with his mates.... I just couldnt get my head around that.... It didnt make sense.

BUT..... two years ago he informed me that I had borderline personality disorder so I looked it up (since I had no idea what that was).. and guess what ... I finally found my answer... all the boxes were ticked.... I realised it wasnt me after all.... I was reading about him. I have since read many books on BPD/Histrionics and searched sites and it is them that has given me the answers to find the strength in me and to take back my pride and my dignity that he has taken from me (and which I unconsciously gave him) over these seven years... I know I wont be going back... I have made the right decision for both myself and my children. I know what I am and what I was dealing with now "KNOWLEDGE IS POWER" and I wil not put myself or my children through that again.

He will use all his old ways that he has used before and maybe even some new ones... he will stalk like hes done before.. even sneak into my house and stayed in the dark just watching what I was doing without me even being aware of it... and if he does..... I will be taking out a restraining order on him as it doesnt scare me so much as it terrifies my children.

SO YOU LADIES OUT THERE WHO ARE DATING A MAN WHO SOUNDS LIKE THIS.... GET RID OF HIM... HE IS EVIL... AND HE WILL SLOWLY TAKE TAKE AND TAKE UNTIL YOU HAVE NO DIGNITY, NO FAMILY, NO FRIENDS JUST "HIM"... WHICH IS EXACTLY THE WAY HE LIKES IT.

 

Good luck and God Bless all who need the strength to get them out of your life....

[freestyle]

How do I stop obsessing my thoughts on him??!! I am so sick of this...I need to turn off my thoughts. I sleep a lot since then I know I am not thinking about him.

 

I need to get on....it is so tough. I am the one who broke up with him and then he wants to take a break.,..so I stay here pinning for him and he knows I am waiting for his damn call. I want him to call...why?

 

Is he really trying to destroy me?

 

 

 

He can only destroy you.....

 

If you allow him to.

 

"No one can make you feel inferior......without your permission." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

 

I'm not trying to minimize the very real pain you have experienced (BTDT),

 

I really just want to remind you that you can take your power back....

 

Anytime you want to. It's all right there in your little finger...(or, whichever digit you use to press, "Delete".

 

Don't take his calls .........don't even read his texts or emails.

 

Delete. Delete. Delete.

 

 

I also understand that you might be trying to figure him out, why he does what he does, why he thinks like he does, etc.

 

At the end of the day,does it really matter??

 

Every moment you spend dwelling on him, trying to figure him out.......

 

Is a moment you could be spending on your happiness. Your health.Your future...............

 

Please don't let him continue to rob you.

 

 

I'd also like to recommend that you read up on Stockholm Syndrome as it relates to emotional abuse...(google search) You might recognize some of what you're going through.

 

I wish you my best.

[abust1]

I'm a narcissist and I see no way to change.

[lvixen]

Wow, sounds a lot like my ex!

 

Any updates on your progress, OP?

 

In your last post you said you were thinking about him a lot, that is completely normal after a breakup. Unfortunately, it will take some time for the thoughts to fade. After I went NC with my ex I was thinking about him at least 100 times a day, now 6 months later maybe 2-3 times a day if that, and only to laugh at what a jerk he was.

 

You HAVE to stick to NC in order for it to work. Ignore his texts, emails and calls. Or just straight up tell him you want nothing to do with him. If he really has NPD he probably won't care, in that case just tell him you'll call the cops on him for harassment haha. THAT might work. The thing is, NC works because you're no longer creating new memories to think about. "Out of sight, out of mind" as they say. Yep, it's true!

 

Also, just because he didn't leave physical scars on you does NOT make him verbally/emotionally abusing you OK. In fact, verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical abuse if not more so. Plus, verbal abuse often becomes physical abuse down the line anyways. Be grateful that you're not in a relationship with him anymore, you deserve sooooo much better! Next time a guy calls you names, RUN, don't walk! He has major problems!

 

Good luck to you and update us!

[hangingrockdad]

While it does hurt and I am trying to let go, I too feel a sense of relief and actually feel like I can be myself again. He tried so hard to twist me into someone else, but it didn't work....

 

I did however try and give you strength though your depression and the loss of your son. I realize that I am not perfect but i am not a narcissist either. And will soon have documentation to prove that. What I am is some one who built a very thick wall due to the pain that women has inflicted on me through the years and yes I know its not right carrying baggage from one or more old relationships into a new one but lets be honest we have all done it and sometimes we all still do.

 

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7

 

 

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 

Its true I have not lived by these verses but intend on being a better man and will seek counseling for the help I need. I fact I have already started as you know and will be there again tomorrow. I love you my dear flutterbya and want the world to know it...

 

Please everyone pray for us and the troubles we have. God Bless you all and I hope he answers all you prayers and provides you love and understanding we all deserve...

[Sivok]

He wont change.

 

I just broke up with a narcissist. How narcissistic are we talking? To go into detail, she's bi, and she would literally get off to herself in the mirror. Yeah, that bad. I was in a similar stance. I gave her alot of control. However, I knew that this was going to end in disaster due to all the red flags - so I remained vigilant. After the breakup, I proved to her i wasn't some puppy and lashed at her with not insults, not criticisms, but the absolutely disgusting truth of what she was. I wish you had posted this earlier, as getting back with him and contacting him in an almost pleading matter was disastrous.

 

You have to hold your ground. Absolutely do not contact him. If he truly is a narcissist, he'll be thrown way off guard if you don't try to - and that's really the only way to win him back. It might take weeks, it might take months, but if his personality truly is what you describe - he'll be back.

[hangingrockdad]

Okay it was my birthday this past Sunday and my ex narcissist boyfriend texted me happy birthday. Great! Then I was bummed out for most of the day. Then the following Tuesday he texted me again since it was hot and he texted to see if I was at the pool. I replied back..."no" pool is being fixed.

 

So then I got to thinking that maybe we should get together for dinner so stupid me texted him Wednesday night to see if we could meet up on Thursday. Well no response before going to bed.

 

Thursday morning he called me while still in bed to ask me what I had in mind as getting together. I said lets have dinner...he was all up for it. We spoke for about 10 minutes. He said he would be home shortly aft 4pm and he would give me a call.

 

So at 10 to 5pm he called and he heard me talking to someone (my niece) who was staying the night. Basically he mentioned that we should not get together and that I should spend time with my niece. The he started on that he wasn't feeling too well since I said that my niece would be fine by herself while we were out for dinner. I had advised her before of her coming over that I had plans for a couple of hours. Oh yeah, he thought I was going to make dinner since he asked me what I had made. I said no we're going out. He said he didn't feel like going out. He is not feeling too well and he will order a pizza. SICK and eat pizza??!! WTF?!!

 

Needless to say he played the sick card...de ja vu....he played that card almost to a tee before. I said that we could do it another time. So we ended our convo pretty quickly because I had another phone call coming in regarding a job.

 

All in all, I was so pissed off that he shunned me to cancel out on me. Last minute in all. Plus I got all ready to go out and was patiently waiting. Plus I was pretty hungry and was looking forward to seeing him and have dinner.

 

I guess I was looking for closure and to see if he was really who he is as a narcissist. I have my doubts but I know for sure that he is. I guess he did the closure for me in by canceling on me. Around 8pm I did a drive by at his house to see if he was hoem and yes his vehicle was there...was he really lying??

 

I AM DEFINITELY NOT CALLING HIM AGAIN. NC NC NC NC NC NC I cannot bring myself down to a level that makes me look like I am needy or desperate. No way!!!

 

What do you all think....am I right on the closure part of his doing?

 

I am so beside myself...but you know I did it to myself. Grrrrrr!!!!

 

 

But the things you are saying here I would never do. I mean its your birthday. Of all the things I have done I would never do that. Even if he felt bad he should say hey why dont you just come over here and I will order out for you maybe lite a candle or two and snuggle on the couch. Not like that takes allot of effort. Don't know if he is a narcissist but it does sound like he is just playing with your heart and if your birthday isn't special to him he is a loser!!! We all have our moments but its special occasions and when the other person needs you that you put all the bull-crap behind you and do the right thing if you really love them!!

 

Good Luck and God Bless hope you find what you are looking for...

[Sivok]

Another note: Instead of trying to change him, you should have adapted to his personality. Narcissists are insecure by nature - they relish in the limelight and compliments of others. You have to deny him, not continuously slave yourself to satisfy him.