Thrown out

[jasperlynx]

My wife and I have been married 13 yrs with 2 yound children. Its been a very rocky marriage due to her control issues and my nonability to deal with her excessive drinking. This is not the first time I've posted and not the last, but i have to air this out for me. My wife is a wonderful mother ..when she is straight. However I've come home many times late at night from work to find her very intoxicated from drinking throughout the night. I get very resentful and angry (not saying a word) knowing that if I say something she will turn into the OTHERONE. When my wife gets drunk she turns into a nasty, judgmental, fingerpointing, verbaly absusive, irrational, etc. I avoid it most of the time by going down to another room and leaving her alone. If she starts, I ignore her until she huffs and puffs calls me some names, and goes to sleep. I've have delt with this for years and in some instances ....I've opened up to my wife and verbally fought back..calling her a drunk and blah blah blah...which alway ended up in her attacking me with slaps and punches and screaming at me to GET OUT! I've left on several occasions. ALL because I opened my mouth when getting abused. Things go back to nomal ...for a few months with no big blowouts then it happens again. The last one was this week. I came home 3 hours late (which never happens) due to the fact I took some medication at work and while driving home I pulled over and fell asleep for 3 hours to wake up realizing It was 3 hours later. Very freaky situation..also it was the first time I had taken the medication and did not realize its potency. Hoping I could walk in the door and explain..a drunk woman verbally abused me and physically and threw me out after I yelled at her that she was a drunk and lush repeatedly. I have no where to go and have been sleeping in my car for 3 days. what are your thoughts? When I have asked her nicely to stop drinking she alway says "you alway use my drinking for an excuse" " I drink because Im miserable"

She will not ever seek consuling for marriage or drinking...she thinks its all my fault for fighting back.

Edited August 26, 2010 by jasperlynx

[tojaz]

She drinks because shes miserable. So why is she miserable??????

 

TOJAZ

[thrownaway]

I think you should consider temporarily moving out and let her have some time to find herself.

[jasperlynx]

she is miserble for many reasons. She lost her mother 1 yr ago. She was very close to her mother. She has had family problems with siblings for years. She has her ways in the caretaking of the children which is fine and Ive worked 2 jobs since we have been together and now that my part-time night job is slow..she cant stand the fact that im home everynight. Throws off her schedule with the children..and matter of fact I just feel in the way. During the arguement I addressed the children stating that Im sorry for them "your mother has a drinking problem" they know it , but it was wrong for me to address the children during a fight with my spouse. She says that is manipulating and no excuse. I admit it was wrong. I also screamed out outside "Drunk" a few times before I stormed off. I know it was wrong but I was in a rage over her drunken behavior. She wont let me come home now , blamming me for everything. Her drinking has caused every major blowout in this family for years...she will never admit that.

[PegNosePete]

I would say it's definitely time to get child protective services involved. She has a serious drinking problem and is alone with 2 young children. It's just a matter of time before that powder keg blows up. Think of your children, and do the right thing. You need to get custody and get as far away from this woman as possible.

[BetweenHere&There]

she is miserble for many reasons. She lost her mother 1 yr ago. She was very close to her mother. She has had family problems with siblings for years. She has her ways in the caretaking of the children which is fine and Ive worked 2 jobs since we have been together and now that my part-time night job is slow..she cant stand the fact that im home everynight. Throws off her schedule with the children..and matter of fact I just feel in the way. During the arguement I addressed the children stating that Im sorry for them "your mother has a drinking problem" they know it , but it was wrong for me to address the children during a fight with my spouse. She says that is manipulating and no excuse. I admit it was wrong. I also screamed out outside "Drunk" a few times before I stormed off. I know it was wrong but I was in a rage over her drunken behavior. She wont let me come home now , blamming me for everything. Her drinking has caused every major blowout in this family for years...she will never admit that.

 

Hi Jasper - I can relate, I spend 15 years with my ex and he had a drinking problem....he was a blackout drunk which was really bad when the kids were younger and I was working long hours. He was okay unless I did something to provoke him....then he became an angry drunk.

 

Getting angry with them...that's normal because you have feelings and emotions too, but I learned that I had to deal with him differently. I got blamed as well....especially when he was leaving....it was all my fault (he was blackout drunk before I met him), but somehow his continuation of drinking was my fault because I didn't tell him to stop...didn't threaten him that I would leave if he didn't. That's their thought process because they see it as they don't have the problem, we do.

 

First thing you need to do is take care of yourself, your kids need you and if you are going through all of this turmoil and defending yourself you are not going to be "well" for them. Al-Anon is a very good program that helped me in the beginning to try and understand how to deal with an alcoholic...how to separate myself from the situation and take care of me. I hope that is something you can look into.

 

Now that he and I are no longer together, he's finally quit drinking and become a better person....which is good. It took me a while to see that it wasn't a reflection on me, but him wanting to do what he should have done a long time ago.

 

We can't make someone stop drinking, no matter what we say, how much we fight back or how much we defend ourselves. Talking to them, chastizing them or even helping them (enabling) won't make them stop...they have to want to do it for themselves.

[jasperlynx]

Hi Between..

My wife has made me feel like a failure. She does numerous things and says numerous things to make me feel like the lowest piece of ......ever walked the face of the earth. Why do I stay and take this? Because I have no family and 2 friends who have thier own lives to worry about.

I am alone and scared and feel helpless. I will be totally alone if I dont come home. I know I have my children ...but the idea of sleeping in a rented room with strangers is going to hurt very bad. I have a family that does not want me anymore. My wife will not take any responsiblity for the demise of our relationship. She has stated I ruined her life.

[BetweenHere&There]

Hi Between..

My wife has made me feel like a failure. She does numerous things and says numerous things to make me feel like the lowest piece of ......ever walked the face of the earth. Why do I stay and take this? Because I have no family and 2 friends who have thier own lives to worry about.

I am alone and scared and feel helpless. I will be totally alone if I dont come home. I know I have my children ...but the idea of sleeping in a rented room with strangers is going to hurt very bad. I have a family that does not want me anymore. My wife will not take any responsiblity for the demise of our relationship. She has stated I ruined her life.

 

Well, first you have to stop thinking you are a failure (hard to do, I know....been there too). You have to separate her drinking from you...it has nothing to do with you, it's an excuse that they use so the alcohol holds some power for them.

 

Next, if these things that she says to you are unfounded (and they most likely are), then leave them as such. I asked myself the same question for years, why do I stay and take it....why did I stay in a marriage for that long and take the things that hurt me. It was a fight and a struggle everyday just about. I can't even answer that for myself....somewhere inside I felt a responsibility, but you only have to be responsible for yourself...your actions and reactions. You have to get your self-esteem built back up.....dealing with this has undoubtedly damaged that part of you...and the years of blame do not help as well. You are not going to be able to reason with an alcoholic....actions speak louder than words with them. What you have been doing is "reacting" which only gives her more reason to continue down her path. Stop reacting to her when she is on a binge...it's futile. As much as it angers you and hurts you, you really have to become a little cold in that matter. You don't have to say anything to her, just don't react and don't take what she says while drunk to heart.

 

The blame she throws on you, it's her perception....but in a drunken state, and until you get your mind in the right frame-set....it's going to be hard for both of you to talk in a non-threatening manner about the issues right now.

 

Does she have any place that she can go stay? You don't have to be the one to move out. There are other alternatives perhaps?

[mark982]

dont let your wife throw bull at you that she drinks cause she's miserable. she drinks cause she's a drunk. nothing more, nothing less. while i do feel bad for you, i really feel for the kids. her getting drunk like she does with you not there,really puts them in danger. time to get services involved.

[just_some_guy]

Get thee to an Al-Anon meeting, pronto. If at all possible, see if you can find a men's group. But it doesn't matter, just find one

 

For your children's sake, if she is drunk, she is NOT taking care of them. It may be advisable to get child protective services involved for their sake.

 

Honestly, why would you let her throw you out? She's drunk, put her out and call the cops on her. Let her face the consequences of her own actions.

 

It's hard, I've been in a similar place with an addict/wife. I understand. Please do, start going to Al-Anon, whether she chooses to go to AA or not.

[You Go Girl]

Go home.

She has no legal standing on keeping you from your home or your children.

Why go home? Well besides of the obvious reasons like cost, seeing your kids, etc., you have to empower yourself. The first step there is to realize just what powers you do have. Living in your own home is definitely one of them.

There's something that took me years to learn, something so obvious, I wonder why the obvious escaped me--

NEVER talk about anything serious with an alcoholic when they are drinking. If they start to bring up any serious issue, simply say, I refuse to discuss anything serious with you when you have been drinking. Bring it up again when you are sober.

You know what? 9 times out of 10 they won't bring it up sober, because they don't have the audacity to be so manipulative or intimidative when sober, nor skew the facts in some illogical bend to their favor.

So start there. ZERO serious discussions when alcohol is involved. Refuse. Walk away into another room. Whatever it takes, but don't leave your home. Those kids need a parent around who's sober, and someone to make sure nothing is on fire when they are there with a drunk parent.

 

You can't make anybody stop drinking. Don't waste your breath. Simply insist upon AA and IC, and refuse to discuss anything else until that issue starts being addressed. There is no point in discussing anything else. Everything is affected by the drinking, EVERYTHING.

[2.50 a gallon]

Get yourself and attorney and get these kids away from her.

 

DO NOT GET CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES involved, they will see you as an enabler, and just as guilty as your wife. You will then have two problems to fight, and they will be the bigger problem. The end result will be your wife gone, and the state taking your children away from you

[jasperlynx]

Thanks for everyones input....I moved back in last night. I spoke to my wife via telephone and she stated I could come back with the agreement of living in the basement to save money to get an apartment. She does not want to married to me anymore. I went back and its like being in someone elses house. I truley thinking my options.

[You Go Girl]

Thanks for everyones input....I moved back in last night. I spoke to my wife via telephone and she stated I could come back with the agreement of living in the basement to save money to get an apartment. She does not want to married to me anymore. I went back and its like being in someone elses house. I truley thinking my options.

 

You really need to see this clearly, and you're not yet.

She stated you could come back? Oh how generous of her to give you rights that she can't take away from you in the first place.

She doesn't want to be married anymore? Then SHE can move into the basement. Simply plop yourself onto the marital bed and refuse to get out of it.

It's not somebody else's house. It's YOUR house, as much as hers, 50%. Start taking control here of the rights you have. That means moving the darn furniture around in the living room if you want to. It is YOUR house as much as hers.

Get those things through into your head...and we can go from there. But progress starts with those realizations.

[Owl]

If this were a woman, everyone would be screaming for her to get out of this abusive relationship, and remove herself from the danger.

 

You need to do the same thing. Gender has nothing to do with it.

 

Your wife is an alchoholic, and an abusive spouse. She assaults you, attacks you, and then gaslights you to make you feel like you deserve it.

 

You and your kids need to have this toxic person removed from your lives.

 

Now...if she can learn to change...and demonstrate that change over a good period of time....then that toxic person is gone and your WIFE could come back to you.

 

But this all starts with you no longer accepting this behavior, and taking concrete actions to remove it from you and your children's lives.

 

Seriously...you need to start getting this documented. The next time you or your kids are attacked by her when she's drunk...call the police. Tell your wife point blank that you're no longer going to tolerate this.

 

TAKE BACK THE POWER.

 

Why does SHE get to decide where you live, what goes on in your life????

 

She's an addict, and an abusive person.

 

She should not be the one in charge.

 

Take charge. INSIST on changes, or insist that she leave. MAKE things change.

 

This situation is going to continue for as long as you keep accepting it and letting her run the show.